Today marks exactly 6 months since Ben has last seen Lyla. I know this, because due to future court happenings, I have been advised to keep track of absolutely everything; phone records, text messages, visitation...what a mess. He still blames me for not seeing her, even though he had had the option to drive down here any day of the week. But what's new about this time? Lyla actually doesn't remember him anymore.
Up until very recently, if she saw pictures of him, she would say "that's daddy!" or even if someone resembled him in the super market, she would ask "is that my daddy?" But the other day while looking through her baby book together, when the pages with Ben came up, she asked "Mommy, who is that?" ...I wasn't sure how to feel. If I were to look ahead to the day where she didn't remember him, I would have assumed I'd be somewhat happy: Hooray he's finally deleted himself! But I didn't feel this way, I felt more sad, and above all, nervous for the random day he does decide to walk back into her life.
It is the most suffocating feeling to know that he hasn't seen her in half a year, and he would still have rights to come see her if he chose to do so. How scary for Lyla? Eric and I often talk about the day he'll come back, and how he will have to re-introduce himself to his own daughter, and ask if she remembers him. How would you feel as a parent? Failed, in my opinion. Luckily with the help of a new lawyer, the day where he does give a date in which he wishes to see her, we will then file to go back to court on a complaint for visitation, and hopefully be granted with full custody. But until then, it's this nerve wracking waiting game. Will he call today? Will he ask to see her soon? We can't control the future, which is a hard statement to swallow when you're looking our for your toddler's best interest.
Stay tuned...
