When I first moved to Fairhaven, the only people I knew were my husband's family. I was 21 with an 18 month old, and struggled to make friends of my own. Everyone my age had a very active social life filled with bar hopping and drug dabbling - neither of which I could partake in my situation. My fiancé (at the time) and his mother would talk to friends and pretty much set up "dates" for me - appreciated, but awkward. Before I moved, I had lived in Worcester my entire life. I grew up with the same group of friends, that naturally morphed into more friends as we transitioned through school. Now, in my 20s and in a new town for the first time ever, I realized just how strange the concept of making friends as an adult really is - especially in my case.
Ideally, I wanted to friend people my age, but since their typical day was likely not spent at a playground or watching Mickey Mouse Club House, I would tend to seek out other mothers - and since the majority of them didn't have their first child at age 20, they were generally older than me. I set up play-dates with mothers I would meet at the local gym, library, or playgrounds, and faked my way through small talk while our little ones ran around together. These moms are what my husband and I refer to as "fake friends"; someone you get together with not because you necessarily want to, but because it's better than nothing, and was beneficial to your child. However, as time went on and I became more involved with the community, Eric's friends, and exercising, I developed some real friends - who I liked and hung out with regardless of their age, marital status, or number of children.
As a young(er) adult, I was primarily friends with guys. But making new guy friends as a married, adult women is next to impossible. I had thought about approaching guys at the gym and seeking out running partners or even a married/taken guy to double date with - but how do you even go about that? If some guy came up to me in the gym - married or not - and asked me about going for a run, there's no way I wouldn't think I was being hit on. And then there's another issue: play dates with other kids - and their dads. You think this would be a "safe-zone"; someone who is married, looking for friendship for themselves and playmates for their kids - just like me! But when I asked my husband about his comfort with this potential situation, I was surprised to hear that it's not something he'd be cool with. However, when he asked me to flip-flop the situation and think of him having play dates with some woman and her kids who I didn't know, I had to admit I wasn't comfortable with the idea, either.
So how the hell do you make more friends when most people your age are in a totally different stage in their lives, and you don't want to cross any lines of inappropriateness with your spouse? I suppose this is one of the reasons I was eager to get a part-time job: at least there is hope for co-workers you will like!
Making friends; such a strange concept.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Making It Work
Marriage is all about making it work. Anything that is thrown your way, you're in it for better or for worse, and the only thing you can do is work through it - together. Eric's new job has certainly been a true test for us.
With the 10 week training academy complete, I thought we'd be able to settle into a more manageable schedule once Eric was given his work location and schedule. We were thrilled to find out that he was placed in the county closest to our home, which cut his commute by two-thirds. To add to the excitement, I had decided I was ready to pick up a part time job; I was excited to take the first small step towards a long awaited career in health and fitness, and looked forward to getting out each week. As much as I love my girls and full-time job as a SAHM, I feel I need this time for myself, the interaction with other adults, and the extra money would just be a bonus. As Eric entered his first week of work, we were aware that the first few weeks were considered a "training" period, and that his schedule was likely to change. We struggled to adjust, but managed. After all, it would just be a few short weeks of this all-over-the-place shift change.
Psych.
The day after I sent out applications and resumes to every massage, health, and gym atmosphere Google could find me, Eric let me know that for the next 6 months his schedule would be changing weekly - with only one weeks notice beforehand. This went for his days off as well, leaving my ability to work unrealistic.
I was unbelievably bummed, and for the first time in over a year, extremely homesick. Knowing what an amazing support system I have back home - from family and friends who could help with the girls, to more job opportunities - made me feel totally stuck in the situation we're in; two young kids, in-laws who work full time, friends who work full time, a husband with an endlessly changing schedule...
This sucks.
But it's not just about me. It sucks for my husband too. One week he is on 2nd shift - getting in late and woken up early, and the next on 1st, where he barely sees the girls. Planning anything is next to impossible. And on top of it all, it's only been a few weeks and he's already had several late night calls for over-time.
We're both struggling, and need each other more than ever. We can't afford to turn this into a battle about who this is harder on, who is more tired, who works harder...it wouldn't solve anything, it wouldn't change our situation, and it certainly wouldn't help us get through it. Instead, we simply make it work. We acknowledge how we feel, but support the other. He comes home from work and knows I need help with the girls. I know he needs his down time. We both need our time to exercise. And so, we are supportive - it's a simple as that.
We make it work because we have to, but more importantly, because we want to. And it's the little things that make a huge difference; he spends time with the girls while I exercise and I'll prepare his lunch for the following day while he relaxes. Marriage is give and take; we find time for our own needs and respect those of the other. It may be a hectic time in our lives, but I have to remember that it is temporary. Soon enough, our schedule will settle down, I will be able to work, and we can finally have a reliable routine. Until then, I have no choice but to keep my head up and make the best of what we have.
Not to mention, if we survived a month of Lauren-couldn't-run-off-her-stress, everything else should be cake ;)
With the 10 week training academy complete, I thought we'd be able to settle into a more manageable schedule once Eric was given his work location and schedule. We were thrilled to find out that he was placed in the county closest to our home, which cut his commute by two-thirds. To add to the excitement, I had decided I was ready to pick up a part time job; I was excited to take the first small step towards a long awaited career in health and fitness, and looked forward to getting out each week. As much as I love my girls and full-time job as a SAHM, I feel I need this time for myself, the interaction with other adults, and the extra money would just be a bonus. As Eric entered his first week of work, we were aware that the first few weeks were considered a "training" period, and that his schedule was likely to change. We struggled to adjust, but managed. After all, it would just be a few short weeks of this all-over-the-place shift change.
Psych.
The day after I sent out applications and resumes to every massage, health, and gym atmosphere Google could find me, Eric let me know that for the next 6 months his schedule would be changing weekly - with only one weeks notice beforehand. This went for his days off as well, leaving my ability to work unrealistic.
I was unbelievably bummed, and for the first time in over a year, extremely homesick. Knowing what an amazing support system I have back home - from family and friends who could help with the girls, to more job opportunities - made me feel totally stuck in the situation we're in; two young kids, in-laws who work full time, friends who work full time, a husband with an endlessly changing schedule...
This sucks.
But it's not just about me. It sucks for my husband too. One week he is on 2nd shift - getting in late and woken up early, and the next on 1st, where he barely sees the girls. Planning anything is next to impossible. And on top of it all, it's only been a few weeks and he's already had several late night calls for over-time.
We're both struggling, and need each other more than ever. We can't afford to turn this into a battle about who this is harder on, who is more tired, who works harder...it wouldn't solve anything, it wouldn't change our situation, and it certainly wouldn't help us get through it. Instead, we simply make it work. We acknowledge how we feel, but support the other. He comes home from work and knows I need help with the girls. I know he needs his down time. We both need our time to exercise. And so, we are supportive - it's a simple as that.
We make it work because we have to, but more importantly, because we want to. And it's the little things that make a huge difference; he spends time with the girls while I exercise and I'll prepare his lunch for the following day while he relaxes. Marriage is give and take; we find time for our own needs and respect those of the other. It may be a hectic time in our lives, but I have to remember that it is temporary. Soon enough, our schedule will settle down, I will be able to work, and we can finally have a reliable routine. Until then, I have no choice but to keep my head up and make the best of what we have.
Not to mention, if we survived a month of Lauren-couldn't-run-off-her-stress, everything else should be cake ;)
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