Eric and I are almost at the 2 month count down to our wedding, and I cannot wait. Many people have asked me, "why get married?" seeing how I am only 22 and the first of my friends to take the leap, and all I can ever answer with are three simple words; "I feel ready".
Getting pregnant at 19 and being a mother by 20 was a door-slam on the party life style and a giant HELLO to maturity, responsibility, and adulthood. I was ready to say goodbye to the nights spent over a toilet bowl, and hello to a different type of all nighter. I suppose it was the same feeling of readiness for marriage.
Although I do feel that having a baby young prepared me to be wed earlier than the average person, it's certainly not the reason I am marrying. Eric was my 5th relationship lasting over one year. And after being in that many relationships I felt confident in knowing what I needed out of my next relationship and also, what I was able to give. One of the first things I told Eric was that I was a mother first and foremost, and that this may have prevented me from giving as much as I would like, or as much as he was used to receiving in the past. Luckily, I was able to find a healthy balance between Mommy and girlfriend. The more time Eric and I spent together, the more we learned what we were able to bring to the relationship and what we were able to take from it; the mixture was perfect.
People tend to roll their eyes when I tell them that the glue that binds us together is our honesty with each other. The general response is usually "...as far as you know". And I guess it's true to some extent that you can never be 100% sure your significant other is being truly honest with you all the time, but that's where the trust comes in. It's true that honesty and trust go hand-in-hand. I was open and honest with Eric about my past, all closet-hidden skeletons and all, from the very beginning. And so was he. And now, yearly one year later, I can proudly say I have never once lied to him, and that i believe with all my heart that he has never lied to me. It is the most rewarding feeling (other than being a mommy) to wake up and go to bed next to him each day, and feel totally free.
Of course we're not perfect; we argue and disagree like any normal couple, but it's how we deal with things that makes me think we can beat the 50% divorce rate statistic. I always feel crazy when I say this, but I almost enjoy our arguments. Not the arguing per say, but the closeness I feel to Eric once we have worked through something together. With every argument comes opportunity; it allows us to see how the other deals with certain situations, and to respond appropriately. It allows us to be vulnerable when realizing you were proven wrong, and mature for being able to admit that wrong. It allows us to kiss and make up, and bring us even closer than we were before.
Eric is indeed my support, but I also feel like I gain strength from our relationship. I think we have the key ingredients to a solid marriage: we are always wanting to better not only ourselves, but each other. We are bringing each other up in life, share the same aspirations, and just have this unconditional love and acceptance of each other.
I always ask him, "people who end up divorced must have felt the same way we do when they decided to get married. What changed? How do we know that won't happen to us?"...it's a scary thought. The one answer we always have is simply to never give up. We feel that in a divorced couple, one person may have wanted to fight for their marriage, while the other simply no longer had the desire to put up their gloves. Eric and I are constantly talking about never giving up. Marriage is forever, for better or for worse. No matter what comes our way, we leave ourselves no choice but to work through it, together, no matter how hard it may be. And all of this, wrapped into 3 little words, is why I'm getting married: I feel ready.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Mixed Feelings
The shock factor certainly has not worn off yet. I've been a blur of emotions, teeter tottering between confused, sad, angry, and oddly enough - happy. Ben and I have had several previous arguments where he would complain about the hardships of being a parent; paying child support, driving for visitation, how she never stops crying for him. I finally reached a breaking point and said that thing I'm not supposed to say: the low blow; I told him that he is more than welcome to give up his rights if being a parent was "too much" for him, and that all of his parenting hard ships would disappear. I just never in a million years thought he would actually do it. And now that he has firmly stated that this is his ultimate decision, I now have a brain filled with questions and fears, endlessly spinning.
If his motive for doing this is to save a quick buck, I'm not sure if that's exactly how it will go down. From what I understand, the court has to agree to Ben giving up his rights, including child support payments. And, the only way for this to happen is for A) Eric to adopt Lyla, or B) for us to be financially stable without the added income of child support. Ben is aware of the fact that Eric would indeed adopt Lyla, but he is not aware that if he is still forced to pay, we will put the adoption on hold and simply make Eric a legal guardian once married. Now, my fear in all of this is that if and when Ben learns he still has to pay, that he'll think "Oh, well in that case, nevermind. I'll still be Lyla's dad and see her, I might as well if I'm forced to pay" ...this thought fills me with pure hatred. And knowing how Ben puts money first in the past, this is a very good possibility.
The anger in me feels that if at any point in time he was willing to give up his daughter forever, he doesn't deserve to have her in his life. It's even more unfair that the judge could very well rule in his favor; nothing is set in stone until he legally signs her over to me, and without that signiture, she is still his, and he still has rights to see her. This, I hate. My plan? I plan to barter with Ben. Offer to pick up her health insurance and to take less child support, and in return, I want permission to change her last name once Eric and I are married, and I never want him to have the right to visitation ever again. This may sound harsh, but after a year of thinking that Ben being in Lyla's life was the best thing for her, I've finally put my foot down and am admitting that it's not. He doesn't deserve the honor of her having his last name. Eric and I will be married in September, and hope to have children of our own. We plan to raise Lyla and our children together as a family, and I think that all members of this family should share the same last name. This is probably more important to me than the option of Eric adopting Lyla; he is a wonderful father figure and will be the best step dad; a new birth certificate and signed piece of paper will make no difference in how he raises her. But the name? That's very important to me. And as far as Ben not having legal rights to see Lyla again, he deserves that. He was willing to give her up entirely when he thought it would save him a quick buck so if he's going to have to pay, but less, he should feel no different.
As much as his decision was hard to take, as the days go on I find myself more at peace with what the future will hold without Ben in our lives. No more verbal abuse, no shared holidays, no long drives for visitation, no split parenting. It will just be Lyla, Mommy, and "Ekka", as she calls him; we are her family, and we will be the best one for her.
As for Ben, I hope that as this decision sets in, and as time goes on, he will stop putting the blame on me, and truly realize that this is what is best for his child. Parenting isn't for everyone, and it's certainly anything but easy, especially when you're doing it alone. He's decision is only one he can make; not a lawyer, not a family member, not a friend, not even I can force this decision on him. I hope one day he can realize that as hard as it is to admit, that he really just wasn't the best parent, and that although tough, he made the best decision for her.
Eric had asked me the other night, "what gives him the right to even have more kids someday?", and I didn't know how to answer. But I guess, the only thing I can hope is that he learns from all of this. I hope when if he does choose to have more children that he will know what it entials, and be prepared. No child deserves to go through what Lyla has with her biological father. I'm just so lucky that she's still young, and will never remember all the back and forth, all the court visits, all the tears shed. She'll simply know that she has a caring, loving, happy family with Eric and I, and we will never give up on her.
If his motive for doing this is to save a quick buck, I'm not sure if that's exactly how it will go down. From what I understand, the court has to agree to Ben giving up his rights, including child support payments. And, the only way for this to happen is for A) Eric to adopt Lyla, or B) for us to be financially stable without the added income of child support. Ben is aware of the fact that Eric would indeed adopt Lyla, but he is not aware that if he is still forced to pay, we will put the adoption on hold and simply make Eric a legal guardian once married. Now, my fear in all of this is that if and when Ben learns he still has to pay, that he'll think "Oh, well in that case, nevermind. I'll still be Lyla's dad and see her, I might as well if I'm forced to pay" ...this thought fills me with pure hatred. And knowing how Ben puts money first in the past, this is a very good possibility.
The anger in me feels that if at any point in time he was willing to give up his daughter forever, he doesn't deserve to have her in his life. It's even more unfair that the judge could very well rule in his favor; nothing is set in stone until he legally signs her over to me, and without that signiture, she is still his, and he still has rights to see her. This, I hate. My plan? I plan to barter with Ben. Offer to pick up her health insurance and to take less child support, and in return, I want permission to change her last name once Eric and I are married, and I never want him to have the right to visitation ever again. This may sound harsh, but after a year of thinking that Ben being in Lyla's life was the best thing for her, I've finally put my foot down and am admitting that it's not. He doesn't deserve the honor of her having his last name. Eric and I will be married in September, and hope to have children of our own. We plan to raise Lyla and our children together as a family, and I think that all members of this family should share the same last name. This is probably more important to me than the option of Eric adopting Lyla; he is a wonderful father figure and will be the best step dad; a new birth certificate and signed piece of paper will make no difference in how he raises her. But the name? That's very important to me. And as far as Ben not having legal rights to see Lyla again, he deserves that. He was willing to give her up entirely when he thought it would save him a quick buck so if he's going to have to pay, but less, he should feel no different.
As much as his decision was hard to take, as the days go on I find myself more at peace with what the future will hold without Ben in our lives. No more verbal abuse, no shared holidays, no long drives for visitation, no split parenting. It will just be Lyla, Mommy, and "Ekka", as she calls him; we are her family, and we will be the best one for her.
As for Ben, I hope that as this decision sets in, and as time goes on, he will stop putting the blame on me, and truly realize that this is what is best for his child. Parenting isn't for everyone, and it's certainly anything but easy, especially when you're doing it alone. He's decision is only one he can make; not a lawyer, not a family member, not a friend, not even I can force this decision on him. I hope one day he can realize that as hard as it is to admit, that he really just wasn't the best parent, and that although tough, he made the best decision for her.
Eric had asked me the other night, "what gives him the right to even have more kids someday?", and I didn't know how to answer. But I guess, the only thing I can hope is that he learns from all of this. I hope when if he does choose to have more children that he will know what it entials, and be prepared. No child deserves to go through what Lyla has with her biological father. I'm just so lucky that she's still young, and will never remember all the back and forth, all the court visits, all the tears shed. She'll simply know that she has a caring, loving, happy family with Eric and I, and we will never give up on her.
Monday, June 27, 2011
The end of "Baby Daddy Drama"
Yesterday, I received an email from Ben, Lyla's father, stating that he would be signing her over to me. I broke into tears immediately. As much as this decision would make my life so much easier without the hastle of court, visitation, and splitting everything for the rest of our lives, all I could think of was how? Just HOW can you give up on her?
A little background...
Ben and I live over an hour away from each other. And to be fair, we would share driving on visitation days by meeting in a town that was just about mid-way between us. Ben's visitation days were a mess, because he had 2 different days off from work each week, making a stable schedule impossible. So, at our most recent court visit, he was ordered to call or email me his work schedule one week in advance. This would give me significant time to plan ahead for driving, as well as potentially book massage clients or get things done that are much easier without Lyla with me. However, even with constant reminders from me, Ben was not keeping up with his end of the court order, and never once let me know a week in advance. My lawyer said that I did not have to allow the visitation, but I did not want to stand in the way of him seeing her. So, I made the decision to allow the visitation, as long as he was fully responsible for the commute. Ben was not happy about this, and refused to see her on days where he would be making the full drive. And after 8 visitation days went by and no phone call or email was made from Ben with his schedule, my lawyer made the decision to have Ben be 100% responsible for driving from that point on. In his opinion, Ben was not doing me any favors, so why should I accomodate him? Not to mention, Ben had a pretty easy task of simply making a phone call.
3 weeks went by without any contact from him. I even called to let him know Lyla was developing what we thought was chicken pox, and he never showed any concern. At this point, I feared the day where he would call and want to see her, because Lyla rarely did well with him; he saw her so infrequently that he was nearly a stranger to her. But again, I wouldn't stand in the way of his visitation, and would allow it. I think that's what scared me the most. But instead of a call for visitation, I got an "I'm giving up" email.
His explanation was ridiculous; He said that it was me he never wanted to see again, not Lyla, and that this was the only way to do that. He blamed me, yet again, for never letting him see her (when, again, he could have made the drive anytime he pleased). He asked me why I turned his little girl against him. He even went so far to say that I used him for a child and a place to live for a year; this one, I just had to laugh at. My opinion? These are all excuses. And there's not one that justifies you giving up the rights to your child. No matter what I could say or do to him should never prevent him from having a relationship with his own daughter.
Never once have I spoken poorly about Ben to Lyla.
Never once have I prevented him from seeing her.
His head is filled with all these thoughts and accusations that are not true. And his mind ran wild with these ideas, far enough that he would give up seeing her completely to save himself some hastle and money.
On the bright side, Lyla will be better off without a father like this in her life. I do worry, however, about the day she asks about him. How do I explain that her father just didn't want her? That it was too hard for him? That it cost him too much money? How do you explain these things to a child? Hopefully, the wonderful job Eric, my fiance, is doing raising her with me will show her that she doesn't need her biological father in her life.
We used to joke that he was just a sperm donor, but now, he made the choice to be just that.
A little background...
Ben and I live over an hour away from each other. And to be fair, we would share driving on visitation days by meeting in a town that was just about mid-way between us. Ben's visitation days were a mess, because he had 2 different days off from work each week, making a stable schedule impossible. So, at our most recent court visit, he was ordered to call or email me his work schedule one week in advance. This would give me significant time to plan ahead for driving, as well as potentially book massage clients or get things done that are much easier without Lyla with me. However, even with constant reminders from me, Ben was not keeping up with his end of the court order, and never once let me know a week in advance. My lawyer said that I did not have to allow the visitation, but I did not want to stand in the way of him seeing her. So, I made the decision to allow the visitation, as long as he was fully responsible for the commute. Ben was not happy about this, and refused to see her on days where he would be making the full drive. And after 8 visitation days went by and no phone call or email was made from Ben with his schedule, my lawyer made the decision to have Ben be 100% responsible for driving from that point on. In his opinion, Ben was not doing me any favors, so why should I accomodate him? Not to mention, Ben had a pretty easy task of simply making a phone call.
3 weeks went by without any contact from him. I even called to let him know Lyla was developing what we thought was chicken pox, and he never showed any concern. At this point, I feared the day where he would call and want to see her, because Lyla rarely did well with him; he saw her so infrequently that he was nearly a stranger to her. But again, I wouldn't stand in the way of his visitation, and would allow it. I think that's what scared me the most. But instead of a call for visitation, I got an "I'm giving up" email.
His explanation was ridiculous; He said that it was me he never wanted to see again, not Lyla, and that this was the only way to do that. He blamed me, yet again, for never letting him see her (when, again, he could have made the drive anytime he pleased). He asked me why I turned his little girl against him. He even went so far to say that I used him for a child and a place to live for a year; this one, I just had to laugh at. My opinion? These are all excuses. And there's not one that justifies you giving up the rights to your child. No matter what I could say or do to him should never prevent him from having a relationship with his own daughter.
Never once have I spoken poorly about Ben to Lyla.
Never once have I prevented him from seeing her.
His head is filled with all these thoughts and accusations that are not true. And his mind ran wild with these ideas, far enough that he would give up seeing her completely to save himself some hastle and money.
On the bright side, Lyla will be better off without a father like this in her life. I do worry, however, about the day she asks about him. How do I explain that her father just didn't want her? That it was too hard for him? That it cost him too much money? How do you explain these things to a child? Hopefully, the wonderful job Eric, my fiance, is doing raising her with me will show her that she doesn't need her biological father in her life.
We used to joke that he was just a sperm donor, but now, he made the choice to be just that.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Chapter 3
I couldn't believe the feeling that spending time with Eric gave me. I couldn't help but question if my original fear was speaking true; did he just seem perfect compared to Ben? Only time would tell, and all I could do was be cautious and know that this was possible.
But months went by, little drinking was involved, and my feelings for this man were continuously growing. Again, the polar opposite of my experience with Ben. But oh, the way Eric made me laugh. The way he held my hand when we're driving. And especially, the way he treated Lyla. As time went on, I stopped comparing him to Ben, and just enjoyed who he was; someone who cared about me very much, and did a wonderful job showing it.
I began to feel so corny when I was around him, or even thinking of him. I would do this lame little dance anytime my phone showed a text from him. I would smile when I could relate to those lovey-dovey lyrics in songs. I could feel it in my toes when we kissed. All the cliche, totally lame, totally corny feelings you see in movies and hear about it songs, I was experiencing. And there was no better feeling. Until one thing from my experience with Ben repeated itself; I got pregnant.
Now was the time for answers: This time, are the feelings real? This time, do I want to actually be with this man? This time, was it meant to be?
The only thing that settled my mind about this unplanned pregnancy, was that the answer THIS TIME to all of these questions, was yes. This was a pregnancy caused from a broken condom, and the morning after pill. And although I was panicked about not only having children 23 months apart, but having to tell people yet again that I was pregnant in a new relationship, I was at least at peace knowing that I loved the man I was having this baby with. We then had to really evaluate our feelings for each other, and the plans for our future. We talked about getting married, but were not looking to rush into anything just because we were having a baby. We tentatively talked about April of 2012.
We chose to tell our parents, siblings, and few close friends right away, and wait to tell anyone else until we needed to. Good thing, because 5 weeks into the pregnancy, we lost the baby. The morning after pill caused me to have an ectopic pregnancy, where the fertilized egg gets stuck in the fallopian tube. It ruptured, caused my abdomen to fill with blood, and I had to have emergency surgery to remove both my ruptured fallopian tube, and what would have been our baby.
Although unplanned, the loss of our unborn baby was devistating to us both. Eric was wonderful in comforting me during this both physical and emotionally painful time, and I did my best to comfort him as well. As my stitches dissolved and belly deflated, we continued to talk about the plans for our future. We were serious about wanting to get married; this was made even more clear after we lost the baby, because at that point, there was no pressure to stay together...just our own love and free will. Let me tell you, that old saying of "when you know, you know", is definitely a real thing. I had never been so sure of anything in my life. So, when Eric went to my dad's to ask his permission and receive the ring my grandmother had left for me, and when he slipped that same ring on the 4th finger of my left hand, I said yes, and meant it with all my heart.
But months went by, little drinking was involved, and my feelings for this man were continuously growing. Again, the polar opposite of my experience with Ben. But oh, the way Eric made me laugh. The way he held my hand when we're driving. And especially, the way he treated Lyla. As time went on, I stopped comparing him to Ben, and just enjoyed who he was; someone who cared about me very much, and did a wonderful job showing it.
I began to feel so corny when I was around him, or even thinking of him. I would do this lame little dance anytime my phone showed a text from him. I would smile when I could relate to those lovey-dovey lyrics in songs. I could feel it in my toes when we kissed. All the cliche, totally lame, totally corny feelings you see in movies and hear about it songs, I was experiencing. And there was no better feeling. Until one thing from my experience with Ben repeated itself; I got pregnant.
Now was the time for answers: This time, are the feelings real? This time, do I want to actually be with this man? This time, was it meant to be?
The only thing that settled my mind about this unplanned pregnancy, was that the answer THIS TIME to all of these questions, was yes. This was a pregnancy caused from a broken condom, and the morning after pill. And although I was panicked about not only having children 23 months apart, but having to tell people yet again that I was pregnant in a new relationship, I was at least at peace knowing that I loved the man I was having this baby with. We then had to really evaluate our feelings for each other, and the plans for our future. We talked about getting married, but were not looking to rush into anything just because we were having a baby. We tentatively talked about April of 2012.
We chose to tell our parents, siblings, and few close friends right away, and wait to tell anyone else until we needed to. Good thing, because 5 weeks into the pregnancy, we lost the baby. The morning after pill caused me to have an ectopic pregnancy, where the fertilized egg gets stuck in the fallopian tube. It ruptured, caused my abdomen to fill with blood, and I had to have emergency surgery to remove both my ruptured fallopian tube, and what would have been our baby.
Although unplanned, the loss of our unborn baby was devistating to us both. Eric was wonderful in comforting me during this both physical and emotionally painful time, and I did my best to comfort him as well. As my stitches dissolved and belly deflated, we continued to talk about the plans for our future. We were serious about wanting to get married; this was made even more clear after we lost the baby, because at that point, there was no pressure to stay together...just our own love and free will. Let me tell you, that old saying of "when you know, you know", is definitely a real thing. I had never been so sure of anything in my life. So, when Eric went to my dad's to ask his permission and receive the ring my grandmother had left for me, and when he slipped that same ring on the 4th finger of my left hand, I said yes, and meant it with all my heart.
Chapter 2
After leaving Ben, I noticed an immediate change in myself. Despite the new stresses of living under my mother's roof and rules, the never ending accusations coming from Ben, and going from being totally supported financially to making it on my own, I was happy. I felt strong for working up the courage to admit that I was unhappy, and for leaving. The term "weight off your shoulders" never had more significance; I LITERALLY felt lighter. All around, I just felt BETTER. I found an inner peace with this revealed truth, and being honest with my friends, family, and self just felt so good. What made this truely rewarding was the effect I saw it have on my 10 month old daughter.
With my head now clear, I could focus more on Lyla. I found a great deal of patience along with this new inner peace, which I dare say made being a single parents much easier than an unhappy cohabiting one. Lyla smiled more, ate better, and even began sleeping through the night. She had her mommy back, and I was all hers.
I did, however, have a plan for dating. For once, I would not go looking for Mr. Right, or anyone for that matter. I had this long elaborate plan of dating several people over the course of the next few years, going on at least 100 dates with someone before I dare called them my boyfriend, and only then would I even dream of being intimate with that person. I wanted to be sure that the next person I devoted any of my precious time with would be "the one", because when you are a 21 year old single mom who just moved in with your mother, you have a new set of priorities. But, with dating pushed to the back of my head, Lyla was right in front. And then Eric came over.
Eric and I met, at the time, just over 3 years ago at a club in Providence. We had exchanged numbers, but with both of us in and out of relationships, we found it hard to ever have the chance to hang out, and so we kept in touch via instant messenger and facebook. I had talked to Eric about thoughts of leaving Ben when I was still living with him, and Eric actually encouraged me to stay. However, that didn't happen. What did happen was an opportunity for us to finally hang out, since neither of us were in relationships. I told him how my daughter was my first priority, and that although I wasn't opposed to hanging out, I didn't want anything more. So, we had chatted about getting together to run; I figured this would be something healthy we could do together as friends. Well, that didn't go as planned either.
Eric came over for the first time on the 4th of July. I made sure it was after Lyla was in bed, since I hardly found it appropriate to be introducing her to someone even I barely knew. My mother stayed home and listened for the baby monitor, while Eric and I walked up to the neighborhood playground and sat on the swings. I told him my plan to date a few people before I settle on just one. I told him about the 100-date rule. I also told him about my fear; I felt SO unhappy when I was with Ben, that I feared anyone who came along would seem perfect after that. But it turns out, Eric was pretty perfect. And after a few weekend hang outs and a trip to Maine with my mom, Eric shot my 100-date rule to shit when I said yes to being his girlfriend.
With my head now clear, I could focus more on Lyla. I found a great deal of patience along with this new inner peace, which I dare say made being a single parents much easier than an unhappy cohabiting one. Lyla smiled more, ate better, and even began sleeping through the night. She had her mommy back, and I was all hers.
I did, however, have a plan for dating. For once, I would not go looking for Mr. Right, or anyone for that matter. I had this long elaborate plan of dating several people over the course of the next few years, going on at least 100 dates with someone before I dare called them my boyfriend, and only then would I even dream of being intimate with that person. I wanted to be sure that the next person I devoted any of my precious time with would be "the one", because when you are a 21 year old single mom who just moved in with your mother, you have a new set of priorities. But, with dating pushed to the back of my head, Lyla was right in front. And then Eric came over.
Eric and I met, at the time, just over 3 years ago at a club in Providence. We had exchanged numbers, but with both of us in and out of relationships, we found it hard to ever have the chance to hang out, and so we kept in touch via instant messenger and facebook. I had talked to Eric about thoughts of leaving Ben when I was still living with him, and Eric actually encouraged me to stay. However, that didn't happen. What did happen was an opportunity for us to finally hang out, since neither of us were in relationships. I told him how my daughter was my first priority, and that although I wasn't opposed to hanging out, I didn't want anything more. So, we had chatted about getting together to run; I figured this would be something healthy we could do together as friends. Well, that didn't go as planned either.
Eric came over for the first time on the 4th of July. I made sure it was after Lyla was in bed, since I hardly found it appropriate to be introducing her to someone even I barely knew. My mother stayed home and listened for the baby monitor, while Eric and I walked up to the neighborhood playground and sat on the swings. I told him my plan to date a few people before I settle on just one. I told him about the 100-date rule. I also told him about my fear; I felt SO unhappy when I was with Ben, that I feared anyone who came along would seem perfect after that. But it turns out, Eric was pretty perfect. And after a few weekend hang outs and a trip to Maine with my mom, Eric shot my 100-date rule to shit when I said yes to being his girlfriend.
The Story To Begin It All...
About 3 years ago, newly heartbroken Lauren signed up for a dating website sponsored by facebook. The goal was never to actually meet someone, but to make myself aware of the fact that there were other fish in the sea. So, day after day I would log onto this site, and listen to the flood of compliments from guys half way across the country. And even though I didn't know these people, and they certainly didn't know me, it definitely lessened the blow of my recent break up. I started to think to myself, Hey, these guys seem really nice, and I'd have no chance of meeting someone 3,000 miles away, so, I limited my search to MA. And then I met Ben.
I don't think I really cared about anything at that point but creating this image of myself, happy and uneffected by the breakup. I wanted everyone to think I was fine, and the only way I knew how to appear that way was to be in another relationship. What better way to prove you're over someone, right? So after nearly 3 months of ineternet and phone chats, I took a co-worker along and made the trip to meet Ben and his family.
This was a period of time I like to refer to as "party Lauren".
The night was filled with drinking games, shot-taking, cigarette smoking, and unwise decisions. It seemed like such a good time (translation: escape), I decided to make this trip with my co-worker several times. I really started to convince myself that I liked this Ben guy, even though every hang out was anything but sober.
2 weeks later when I missed my period, reality set in.
Then when those 2 pink lines showed up on the test that Thanksgiving, it set in even more.
Now I REALLY had to sell the "Lauren is so happy" show. Tickets anyone? I spent months talking so highly of Ben, and our relationship, and how this must be meant to be, even though inside I was burning with fear because once the alcohol wore off, I slowly realized that there wasn't all that much I liked about the father of my future child. But I had a show to do. I tossed out the "L" word, we moved in together, and we had our beautiful baby girl, Lyla. At this point, it was no longer about the show, since the hurt from my breakup was long gone, and the love for my child was growing by the minute. I wanted my child's parents together so badly, that I too began to believe I was happy. I would look around at all the other couples who had problems, and I would think I was so lucky.
It took me a while to realize that I had to constantly compare my relationship to abusive ones, or dead-beat-dad ones, or the broken ones, just for me to feel happy. I slowly came to terms with the fact that I don't belong with Ben, and that I had been leading everyone, including myself, on. But now came the fear of leaving. I thought of Lyla having to split birthdays and holidays for the rest of her life. I thought of her not seeing her daddy everyday. I thought of me having to move back in with my mom or dad. So many negative thoughts went through my head that for the longest time I just pushed them away, and telling myself it was impossible. I remember actually wishing that Ben would hit me because it would give me a reason to leave. That's when I really knew I had to get out; I wanted him to hurt me? Just to be able to leave? I was stronger than that. So, after 19 months of "dating", I left.
He was confused, as I expected him to be; he was a main role in my play. The difference was that I was the one doing all the acting. He accused me of cheating and giving up, which was expected, but the truth was plain and simple; I was not happy. And although there were many things I did not like about Ben, I could not change who he was and I don't blame who he was, he was just not the one for me.
I don't think I really cared about anything at that point but creating this image of myself, happy and uneffected by the breakup. I wanted everyone to think I was fine, and the only way I knew how to appear that way was to be in another relationship. What better way to prove you're over someone, right? So after nearly 3 months of ineternet and phone chats, I took a co-worker along and made the trip to meet Ben and his family.
This was a period of time I like to refer to as "party Lauren".
The night was filled with drinking games, shot-taking, cigarette smoking, and unwise decisions. It seemed like such a good time (translation: escape), I decided to make this trip with my co-worker several times. I really started to convince myself that I liked this Ben guy, even though every hang out was anything but sober.
2 weeks later when I missed my period, reality set in.
Then when those 2 pink lines showed up on the test that Thanksgiving, it set in even more.
Now I REALLY had to sell the "Lauren is so happy" show. Tickets anyone? I spent months talking so highly of Ben, and our relationship, and how this must be meant to be, even though inside I was burning with fear because once the alcohol wore off, I slowly realized that there wasn't all that much I liked about the father of my future child. But I had a show to do. I tossed out the "L" word, we moved in together, and we had our beautiful baby girl, Lyla. At this point, it was no longer about the show, since the hurt from my breakup was long gone, and the love for my child was growing by the minute. I wanted my child's parents together so badly, that I too began to believe I was happy. I would look around at all the other couples who had problems, and I would think I was so lucky.
It took me a while to realize that I had to constantly compare my relationship to abusive ones, or dead-beat-dad ones, or the broken ones, just for me to feel happy. I slowly came to terms with the fact that I don't belong with Ben, and that I had been leading everyone, including myself, on. But now came the fear of leaving. I thought of Lyla having to split birthdays and holidays for the rest of her life. I thought of her not seeing her daddy everyday. I thought of me having to move back in with my mom or dad. So many negative thoughts went through my head that for the longest time I just pushed them away, and telling myself it was impossible. I remember actually wishing that Ben would hit me because it would give me a reason to leave. That's when I really knew I had to get out; I wanted him to hurt me? Just to be able to leave? I was stronger than that. So, after 19 months of "dating", I left.
He was confused, as I expected him to be; he was a main role in my play. The difference was that I was the one doing all the acting. He accused me of cheating and giving up, which was expected, but the truth was plain and simple; I was not happy. And although there were many things I did not like about Ben, I could not change who he was and I don't blame who he was, he was just not the one for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)