Lovin' Love

My marriage to Eric has taught me many things, like how to be selfless, and trust that your needs will be met by each other. But the biggest thing it has taught me is how to never settle for less than you deserve.

My husband is wonderful. He really is. Everyday, we kiss good morning and good night, hello and good bye, he is constantly telling me how beautiful he thinks I am, even right after returning from a run or rolling out of bed. He is always willing to help when I need it, and is supportive in everything that I do. The thing I admire him most for is his ability to back down in an argument or disagreement in order to meet eye to eye and work it out faster. We can both be extremely stubborn and set in our ways, so our ability to be vulnerable with each other to work through something is a great feeling. I think our first year of marriage has set a strong foundation for the years to come.

In pervious relationships, if there was something I didn't like or that made me unhappy, I just kind of thought "well, no one's perfect. This is the way it's going to be and I have to deal with it" - so not true. Sure, no one's perfect, but there is such a thing as a perfect match. I wasn't perfect for my ex's and Eric wasn't perfect for his, but for each other? We just fit. We just work. I am grateful everyday that I didn't settle for anything less than the happiness I have now.

My yoga teacher once said that if you are being grateful, there is no room in your mind for stress. Anytime I feel overwhelmed or stressed out, I focus on my two beautiful, healthy daughters and my amazing marriage, and everything stills. Everything is okay.

There's no doubt we'll face hard times, but I welcome the challenge, knowing that we'll make it through and come out even stronger. I'm so glad I didn't settle. I'm so glad I married for the right reasons. If something doesn't feel right, it's probably not. If you wish someone would change, they probably won't. I love my marriage for what it is; imperfections and all. From bedtime pillow fights to working through difficult situations, I'm glad it's with him.

Easier Said Than Done

Recent events have put my newfound mindfulness to the test, and it's definitely been a struggle. Who knew that getting yourself to a calm, clear-headed state of mind could be so difficult, when it sounds so soothing and natural? 

Last night and all throughout today, my anxiety has been a roller coaster ride. Between Lyla's first day of school and her father suddenly wanting to re-involve himself in her life, I've had lots on my mind within a very short time frame. Each time I begin to feel my heart race or tears well up, I try to become "Momma Zen" by acknowledging how I am feeling, and then taking steps to calm myself down through gentle breathing and little "pep-talks". I remind myself that I cannot control certain situations, and that I shouldn't clog my mind with thoughts of possible scenarios which I cannot change, or prevent. 

Easier said than done.

I may find a minute or two of relief from these thoughts, fears, and anxiety, just to slowly slip back into my own thoughts of the inevitable. I have pits, where I focus on the negative: no, this isn't what I want and peaks, where I find some peace: I can do this, it will be okay. 

So I lit some candles, put on a little DMB, and got out of my own head.

Don't focus on what you cannot change

Everything happens for a reason

You are the one controlling your emotions 

Chanting inside my head, over and over again until my heart is beating at a normal rate. 

Breathe

I'm realizing that I create my own anxiety by remembering the past, and focusing on the "what ifs" 

I have to stop doing this.

Again, easier said than done.

Somehow, these thoughts continue to creep back in and plague my mind.

Inhale belly rise, exhale belly fall

I can't change the past. I can't predict the future. All I can do is focus on today, and appreciate the breaks I can find from my own mind - even minimally. 

It's a process. And a difficult one. But I'll always continue to work towards mindfulness to better myself. No one wants a stressed out mother, wife, daughter, or friend. I can be the best me I can be by continuing to practice an empty mind. I'll struggle today for an easier tomorrow. 

Ben Wants Back In

And now for the post about what's really causing most of my anxiety this morning...

Last night as I was preparing Lyla's things for her first day of preschool, "Ben McPherson" pops up on my phone. A text message, asking to talk about Lyla.

Great.

After nearly a year and a half of not seeing her, talking to her, and barely asking about her, he's now choosing to reconnect with his daughter.

It's bittersweet. Of course I want Lyla to have a relationship with her biological father, because it will (hopefully) save her a world of hurt, anger, and questions in the future as she grows older. But I couldn't help feeling selfish about it. She's just starting school; I have to give her up for 9 hours a week, and now potentially even more time if he chooses to re-establish visitation? I don't want to have any less time with her than I do now. It's not fair. But, putting my own feelings aside, I need to think of what's best for my daughter, and I think having some relationship with Ben will, again - hopefully, be a good thing.

As kindly as I could, I explained how he was a complete stranger to her. She knows that he exists, but that's pretty much it. And he has no idea who she is anymore, either. He's missed out on half of her life, literally, and a child changes a lot from 18months to 3 years old. I told him that if he is serious about coming back into her life, that it's all or nothing. He needs to do it right. He needs to re-establish a relationship with her gradually, and he needs to respect me and Eric when the "where did you go? why haven't you seen me?" questions come out of my toddler's curious mind. As much as I've had my choice words about Ben, never have they been said to or in front of Lyla. Knowing that he could come back into her life, I didn't want her to hate him, or be scared to eventually go with him. Eric and I chose not to talk about him, and if she ever asked, we would tell her he was at work. The last thing I want is for Ben to tell my toddler that it was my fault he didn't see her.

I am worried about the whole thing, though. Lyla is one of the most sensitive little kids I've ever seen, and it would kill me to see someone hurt her. I warned Ben that he better never, ever do this to my little girl again if he walks back in.

He tried explaining why he hadn't seen her for this long, talking about how he had a lot going on and how it was hard when he and I were not getting along - factors I'm sure made it difficult, but quite frankly, I didn't care to hear about them - and told him so. No excuse for 16 months of not seeing your own child.

I learned from our last experience to not do, say, or sign anything without my lawyer's advice, and even though he's upset that we can't settle this on our own, I need to protect Lyla. When I told him this he told me I was treating him like an "axe murderer". Yeah, exactly. Or, I don't want to get screwed like I did the last time we went to court and see my little girl get caught in the middle. So, my lawyer will be leading me through this mess, and hopefully we can civilly work something out with Lyla's best interest in mind.

I'm dreading it. I want her all for myself. I don't want to share. I don't feel like he's done anything to deserve any time with her. I'm angry. I'm sad. But that's all about me. When it comes to Lyla, I have to put all of this aside. Hopefully my new studies of yoga, meditation and exercise can help me through it with a clear head and low anxiety.

But for now, all I can do is wait for my lawyer's signal, and go from there. I can't stress over what I cannot change or what I have no control over, and this, unfortunately, is one of those things.