After lots of consideration, we decided to try for a baby right after the wedding. Mrs fertile myrtle over here - it worked first try. The timing couldn't be better; we'll have a late Springtime baby, with Lyla just shy of 3 years old. Those first hell-ish 3 months will be done by the time the cool weather comes back around, and we can spend our time adjusting to being a family of 4 all through the summer. (It'll sure make those sleepless nights a lot easier to handle when we can wake up and go to the beach for the day!)
Now, for the less picture-perfect...this pregnancy has been an absolute nightmare. If a symptom exists, I've had it. I spent months 2&3 on the couch with 24 hour nausea. The medicine they gave me was drowsy and completely wiped me out. I can't eat anything without it setting my esophagus on fire, I get at least two headaches a day, leg cramps, back pain, you name it. And even now into my 4th month, I can go all day feeling fine and start vomiting at 11pm. I've had bleeding that has sent me to the hospital for Rho-Gam shots twice (thank you O Negative blood type) - which they give you in that really sensitive muscle in your behind. Just lovely. The good thing is that most of these symptoms are usually the sign of a very healthy baby, which so far, ours as been; strong heart beats and very active during ultra sounds.
Thank goodness for Eric - that is all I have to say. He has taken over the laundry, the dishes, Lyla care, everything. Tonight, he even told me he'd learn how to give me a good pedicure :)
In a little less than 3 weeks we find out whether this little trouble maker inside me is a little prince or princess. We already have names picked out, but they're top secret :-X Cannot wait to find out, and to hopefully continue to rid of these complications!
Until next time...
Grow belly, grow!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
6 months
Today marks exactly 6 months since Ben has last seen Lyla. I know this, because due to future court happenings, I have been advised to keep track of absolutely everything; phone records, text messages, visitation...what a mess. He still blames me for not seeing her, even though he had had the option to drive down here any day of the week. But what's new about this time? Lyla actually doesn't remember him anymore.
Up until very recently, if she saw pictures of him, she would say "that's daddy!" or even if someone resembled him in the super market, she would ask "is that my daddy?" But the other day while looking through her baby book together, when the pages with Ben came up, she asked "Mommy, who is that?" ...I wasn't sure how to feel. If I were to look ahead to the day where she didn't remember him, I would have assumed I'd be somewhat happy: Hooray he's finally deleted himself! But I didn't feel this way, I felt more sad, and above all, nervous for the random day he does decide to walk back into her life.
It is the most suffocating feeling to know that he hasn't seen her in half a year, and he would still have rights to come see her if he chose to do so. How scary for Lyla? Eric and I often talk about the day he'll come back, and how he will have to re-introduce himself to his own daughter, and ask if she remembers him. How would you feel as a parent? Failed, in my opinion. Luckily with the help of a new lawyer, the day where he does give a date in which he wishes to see her, we will then file to go back to court on a complaint for visitation, and hopefully be granted with full custody. But until then, it's this nerve wracking waiting game. Will he call today? Will he ask to see her soon? We can't control the future, which is a hard statement to swallow when you're looking our for your toddler's best interest.
Stay tuned...
Up until very recently, if she saw pictures of him, she would say "that's daddy!" or even if someone resembled him in the super market, she would ask "is that my daddy?" But the other day while looking through her baby book together, when the pages with Ben came up, she asked "Mommy, who is that?" ...I wasn't sure how to feel. If I were to look ahead to the day where she didn't remember him, I would have assumed I'd be somewhat happy: Hooray he's finally deleted himself! But I didn't feel this way, I felt more sad, and above all, nervous for the random day he does decide to walk back into her life.
It is the most suffocating feeling to know that he hasn't seen her in half a year, and he would still have rights to come see her if he chose to do so. How scary for Lyla? Eric and I often talk about the day he'll come back, and how he will have to re-introduce himself to his own daughter, and ask if she remembers him. How would you feel as a parent? Failed, in my opinion. Luckily with the help of a new lawyer, the day where he does give a date in which he wishes to see her, we will then file to go back to court on a complaint for visitation, and hopefully be granted with full custody. But until then, it's this nerve wracking waiting game. Will he call today? Will he ask to see her soon? We can't control the future, which is a hard statement to swallow when you're looking our for your toddler's best interest.
Stay tuned...
Friday, September 16, 2011
The Story of Us: Everything Happens For A Reason
Four years ago, my friends and I turned 18. We could legally get piercings, tattoos, buy tobacco products, but most importantly (and coolest, clearly) was the fact that we were old enough to go dancing in night clubs.
So at least once a month for a short-lived time, we picked Providence, RI as a hot spot, got all dolled up, and thought we were just fabulous people leaving for our big night out at 10pm. We'd pass around a water bottle of vodka of some sort in the parking lot for a few minutes once we arrived, and attended the "Ladies Free" night at Club Hell, ready to dance.
We mainly stayed with each other, being pretty picky about which guys wanted to dance with us, and had a secret ambush dance to remove a friend from an uggo. On this particular night, I was in a new relationship, and tried to stick to my friends, until this one guy asked me to dance, and for some reason I said yes to him. Years later I'd know him to be Eric Dorschied. He was a respectful dancer, keeping his hands where they should be, and seemed really nice. So, at the end of the night when we all left, and he came racing down the sidewalk to ask for my number, I didn't see any harm. Maybe we could call him next time we came out this way, I thought. (What boyfriend?) He texted me later that night (or morning, at this point) and he was saved in my phone as "Club kid Eric".
The next day, this boyfriend of mine wasn't too happy with this phone number exchange, rightfully so I guess, and decided to take his number from my phone for his own use, and give Eric a few "kind words" later that evening. Needless to say, Eric and I stopped talking. That is until one year later, when this boyfriend of mine and I broke up, and my girls were planning another trip to Providence.
Heartbroken and on the rebound, I was in Maine with friends Michaela and Terri for the weekend while we planned our big night out yet again. Scrolling through my phone, I found "Club kid Eric". They coaxed me into texting him, vaguely remembering that he was good looking. Hey, why not? Probably the most awkward text message anyone has ever received. Something along the lines of: "Hey, this is Lauren. We met last year in Providence, I'm the one who's boyfriend was an asshole. Anyway, I came accross your number and decided to text you because my girls and I are going to Providence this weekend..." Turns out, not only did he have a girlfriend, but she was the one to receive this message, and wasn't too happy. He abruptly explained his relationship status, and that was that. Club kid Eric, deleted from contacts.
Then, a week or two later, I get a text from an unknown number. It was him! And now he, too, was single. Turns out, things with him and his girlfriend weren't as peachy as they seemed, and Eric literally went back and looked at his phone records, just to find my number. We had chatted about hanging out, but I started seeing Lyla's father, and Eric worked things out with his ex-girlfriend. But this time, we stayed in touch via AIM & Facebook.
Turns out we had a lot in common. We would chat about our daily activities, relationship problems, etc. We even talked about double dating at somepoint, but how do you explain that to your significant other? "We're gonna go hang out with some guy I met in a club a few years ago, cool?" ...probably not. So, our online friendship continued.
When I began having a hard time with Lyla's father, Eric actually encouraged me to stay with him. But clearly, that is not what happened, and once our split was final, Eric and I saw opportunity to finally hang out. Him and his girlfriend had broken up a few months before. I was excited to finally hang out, but not looking to date, so we talked about exercising together. I thought this was something healthy to do with a new friend. But as you all know, he swept me right off my feet and just over a year later, we're married.
All of this is crazy!! We talk about it literally everyday. "I can't believe I married club kid!" I say, and Eric follows with "I can't believe I married Greenbean", which was my AIM screen name at the time. Any minor detail of our story could have completely changed the outcome; what if one of us didn't go to the club that night? What if he didn't ask for my number? What if I had given him the wrong one? What if I didn't decide to text him back a year later? What if he never found my number again? Absolutely crazy. It blows my mind to think of all of this, and the fact that we are so happily married today. Everything happens for a reason, our relationship proves this.
So at least once a month for a short-lived time, we picked Providence, RI as a hot spot, got all dolled up, and thought we were just fabulous people leaving for our big night out at 10pm. We'd pass around a water bottle of vodka of some sort in the parking lot for a few minutes once we arrived, and attended the "Ladies Free" night at Club Hell, ready to dance.
We mainly stayed with each other, being pretty picky about which guys wanted to dance with us, and had a secret ambush dance to remove a friend from an uggo. On this particular night, I was in a new relationship, and tried to stick to my friends, until this one guy asked me to dance, and for some reason I said yes to him. Years later I'd know him to be Eric Dorschied. He was a respectful dancer, keeping his hands where they should be, and seemed really nice. So, at the end of the night when we all left, and he came racing down the sidewalk to ask for my number, I didn't see any harm. Maybe we could call him next time we came out this way, I thought. (What boyfriend?) He texted me later that night (or morning, at this point) and he was saved in my phone as "Club kid Eric".
The next day, this boyfriend of mine wasn't too happy with this phone number exchange, rightfully so I guess, and decided to take his number from my phone for his own use, and give Eric a few "kind words" later that evening. Needless to say, Eric and I stopped talking. That is until one year later, when this boyfriend of mine and I broke up, and my girls were planning another trip to Providence.
Heartbroken and on the rebound, I was in Maine with friends Michaela and Terri for the weekend while we planned our big night out yet again. Scrolling through my phone, I found "Club kid Eric". They coaxed me into texting him, vaguely remembering that he was good looking. Hey, why not? Probably the most awkward text message anyone has ever received. Something along the lines of: "Hey, this is Lauren. We met last year in Providence, I'm the one who's boyfriend was an asshole. Anyway, I came accross your number and decided to text you because my girls and I are going to Providence this weekend..." Turns out, not only did he have a girlfriend, but she was the one to receive this message, and wasn't too happy. He abruptly explained his relationship status, and that was that. Club kid Eric, deleted from contacts.
Then, a week or two later, I get a text from an unknown number. It was him! And now he, too, was single. Turns out, things with him and his girlfriend weren't as peachy as they seemed, and Eric literally went back and looked at his phone records, just to find my number. We had chatted about hanging out, but I started seeing Lyla's father, and Eric worked things out with his ex-girlfriend. But this time, we stayed in touch via AIM & Facebook.
Turns out we had a lot in common. We would chat about our daily activities, relationship problems, etc. We even talked about double dating at somepoint, but how do you explain that to your significant other? "We're gonna go hang out with some guy I met in a club a few years ago, cool?" ...probably not. So, our online friendship continued.
When I began having a hard time with Lyla's father, Eric actually encouraged me to stay with him. But clearly, that is not what happened, and once our split was final, Eric and I saw opportunity to finally hang out. Him and his girlfriend had broken up a few months before. I was excited to finally hang out, but not looking to date, so we talked about exercising together. I thought this was something healthy to do with a new friend. But as you all know, he swept me right off my feet and just over a year later, we're married.
All of this is crazy!! We talk about it literally everyday. "I can't believe I married club kid!" I say, and Eric follows with "I can't believe I married Greenbean", which was my AIM screen name at the time. Any minor detail of our story could have completely changed the outcome; what if one of us didn't go to the club that night? What if he didn't ask for my number? What if I had given him the wrong one? What if I didn't decide to text him back a year later? What if he never found my number again? Absolutely crazy. It blows my mind to think of all of this, and the fact that we are so happily married today. Everything happens for a reason, our relationship proves this.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Married!!
Hard to believe it's all finally over. All the planning, all the spending - our vows were made and our rings are on. I used to think that I wouldn't feel any different after being married; that I would feel the same for Eric regardless of a signed piece of paper and a couple of rings. But the truth is that I do feel different. Very different.
I don't think I've gone 5 minutes since the wedding without looking down at my rings. Not only are they beautiful, but it is a physical sign of the love Eric and I share for each other. Our engagement and our marriage, all on display on my left ring finger. And since Eric works full time and I do not have the opportunity to stare at his circle of love every few minutes, I glance at it any chance I get. "He's mine!' I think to myself. Awesome. Just awesome.
I assume this is what has been referred to by many as "the honeymoon phase", and if that's true then so be it. But for now, I'm enjoying the butterfly feeling I get everytime I see my husband return from work, just like I felt when he used to come over when we first started dating. I still feel every kiss in my toes. I choose my arguments more wisely now, knowing that sweating the small stuff just isn't worth it. Marriage is forever, and just as Father Pat made more than clear - this will not always be easy. The honeymoon phase will come to an end, and we will face many struggles throughout the years. But, this marriage is worth fighting for, which is exactly why we both willingly entered it.
I don't think I've gone 5 minutes since the wedding without looking down at my rings. Not only are they beautiful, but it is a physical sign of the love Eric and I share for each other. Our engagement and our marriage, all on display on my left ring finger. And since Eric works full time and I do not have the opportunity to stare at his circle of love every few minutes, I glance at it any chance I get. "He's mine!' I think to myself. Awesome. Just awesome.
I assume this is what has been referred to by many as "the honeymoon phase", and if that's true then so be it. But for now, I'm enjoying the butterfly feeling I get everytime I see my husband return from work, just like I felt when he used to come over when we first started dating. I still feel every kiss in my toes. I choose my arguments more wisely now, knowing that sweating the small stuff just isn't worth it. Marriage is forever, and just as Father Pat made more than clear - this will not always be easy. The honeymoon phase will come to an end, and we will face many struggles throughout the years. But, this marriage is worth fighting for, which is exactly why we both willingly entered it.
Friday, September 9, 2011
It's here!
It's early. The overcast skies are hiding the sunrise, and the cool ocean breeze is dancing to the classical background music flowing from the laptop. My coffee is strong, as it should be, on a day like this where there are endless things to be done. Eric and Lyla are still fast alseep, where my nerves and excitement couldn't keep me under the covers longer than 6am.
It's here! Our last unmarried day. Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of our lives - once we get through the chaos and errands of today, that is. Can't complain though, when my list of "to-do's" for the day consist of exercising, blow drying my hair, and getting a mani-pedi with my bridesmaids. Life's tough, get a helmet, right? Then, it'll be off to the rehearsal and the dinner, followed by a girls night at the hotel, which hopefully consists of some sleep, seeing how we'll need to be up around 4am to begin getting ready.
Tomorrow morning, I'll link arms with my dad (Dadster!), and be lead down the aisle to Eric, eyes locked on his. It's the moment we've talked about for 10 months, and now it's merely hours away. Whether or not we'll cry, or whether or not I trip and fall on my face...we'll know in one short day. I'm ready to jump out of my skin now, I can't imagine how I will be tomorrow morning. Let's hope my hands aren't too shaky and I can manage that ring on Eric's finger.
I wish my grandparents could be there to share it with me, though. I feel blessed to have inherited my grandmother's ring, which I am honored to wear the rest of my life. It's a little piece of my paternal grandparents I will always carry with me. And I will always have the memories of my maternal grandparents, and I know they all will be there tomorrow.
It's here, it's here, it's here! Off to begin the day, see you when I'm a married woman, blogger.
It's here! Our last unmarried day. Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of our lives - once we get through the chaos and errands of today, that is. Can't complain though, when my list of "to-do's" for the day consist of exercising, blow drying my hair, and getting a mani-pedi with my bridesmaids. Life's tough, get a helmet, right? Then, it'll be off to the rehearsal and the dinner, followed by a girls night at the hotel, which hopefully consists of some sleep, seeing how we'll need to be up around 4am to begin getting ready.
Tomorrow morning, I'll link arms with my dad (Dadster!), and be lead down the aisle to Eric, eyes locked on his. It's the moment we've talked about for 10 months, and now it's merely hours away. Whether or not we'll cry, or whether or not I trip and fall on my face...we'll know in one short day. I'm ready to jump out of my skin now, I can't imagine how I will be tomorrow morning. Let's hope my hands aren't too shaky and I can manage that ring on Eric's finger.
I wish my grandparents could be there to share it with me, though. I feel blessed to have inherited my grandmother's ring, which I am honored to wear the rest of my life. It's a little piece of my paternal grandparents I will always carry with me. And I will always have the memories of my maternal grandparents, and I know they all will be there tomorrow.
It's here, it's here, it's here! Off to begin the day, see you when I'm a married woman, blogger.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Why Get Married?
Although most have been overly supportive and excited about this marriage that is now 2 days away, there have been the stray few who have asked the question "why get married?" along with the "don't do it" cards in our words of wisdom box.
Maybe marriage isn't for everyone, or, maybe those in relationships who couldn't see themselves getting married just don't feel the way we do. I recently told a friend who was upset about having to miss our wedding shower due to a romantic getaway weekend with his girlfriend, that if he feels for her even a fraction of what I feel for Eric, that he needs to go, and that I understood. Having been in 4 long-term relationships before Eric, I understand the difference bewteen that cliche line "love but not in love", and the difference is huge. We often talk about how we thought we were in love before each other, and that once we met, it was like there was no such thing as love before us.
I am not afraid to be "in a relationship with a contract" as some have discribed marriage, because to me it is an honor. Someone loves me so much that they are willing to give themself to me; they're signing up to never give up, to work through every problem, to be there for each other in good times and in bad. So no, I'm no scared. I'm excited to see what the future has in store for us. To see what arguments we will get in and how we overcome them, and then, to look back on them and laugh at what probably was so small in the grand scheme of things. It's a comfort to know that I love someone more than I have loved anyone, and that he feels the same. And that there is no easy way out. We are leaving ourselves with no choice but to work through even the hardest of times, and come out stronger and even more deeply in love.
I hope that everyone has the chance to feel this way in their lives, and then maybe they will feel like marriage is for them. They won't be scared that there's no way out, and that it's forever - they'll feel comforted by it. I look forward to spending my life with you, Eric Dorschied, and in 2 days we will vow just this :)
Maybe marriage isn't for everyone, or, maybe those in relationships who couldn't see themselves getting married just don't feel the way we do. I recently told a friend who was upset about having to miss our wedding shower due to a romantic getaway weekend with his girlfriend, that if he feels for her even a fraction of what I feel for Eric, that he needs to go, and that I understood. Having been in 4 long-term relationships before Eric, I understand the difference bewteen that cliche line "love but not in love", and the difference is huge. We often talk about how we thought we were in love before each other, and that once we met, it was like there was no such thing as love before us.
I am not afraid to be "in a relationship with a contract" as some have discribed marriage, because to me it is an honor. Someone loves me so much that they are willing to give themself to me; they're signing up to never give up, to work through every problem, to be there for each other in good times and in bad. So no, I'm no scared. I'm excited to see what the future has in store for us. To see what arguments we will get in and how we overcome them, and then, to look back on them and laugh at what probably was so small in the grand scheme of things. It's a comfort to know that I love someone more than I have loved anyone, and that he feels the same. And that there is no easy way out. We are leaving ourselves with no choice but to work through even the hardest of times, and come out stronger and even more deeply in love.
I hope that everyone has the chance to feel this way in their lives, and then maybe they will feel like marriage is for them. They won't be scared that there's no way out, and that it's forever - they'll feel comforted by it. I look forward to spending my life with you, Eric Dorschied, and in 2 days we will vow just this :)
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Love for my Little
I don't think that you ever stop worrying as a mom. When Lyla first came home, I was worried that she wasn't eating enough, and that she was changed enough, and to make sure she was put to sleep on her back. I remember if she went 2 hours without waking up I would spring out of bed, right to her cribside, to be sure she was still breathing. And now, 2 years later, I still do this.
Go figure, my kiddo can finally sleep through the night, and instead of enjoying the 8 hours I've been craving since pregnancy, I'm awake. During the night I always pause to make sure her monitor is loud enough to hear. I worry that she may finally discover how to climb out of bed, or accidentally get wrapped up in her sheets and blankets. Being a mother is terrifying!!
While preparing for out wedding and honeymoon, I discovered that I'm one of those routine-moms while writing out Lyla's daily foods and activities for our sitters. I think I gave at least 5 food options for every mealtime, noted her favorite books, songs, cuddly things, etc. And mind you, it's her aunt and grandmother who she will be staying with - people who I'm sure know these things. But nevertheless, I wrote them down.
I cannot wait till I hear that small cry come over the monitor every morning so I can go in and give her a big smooch, and listen to her point out different things around her room: "look mommy, those my creams and powders for my bum!" ...that's one of my favorites. I hope I can find some time to relax and enjoy Cancun, because I know I'm going to be anxious to get home and see my squishy <3
Go figure, my kiddo can finally sleep through the night, and instead of enjoying the 8 hours I've been craving since pregnancy, I'm awake. During the night I always pause to make sure her monitor is loud enough to hear. I worry that she may finally discover how to climb out of bed, or accidentally get wrapped up in her sheets and blankets. Being a mother is terrifying!!
While preparing for out wedding and honeymoon, I discovered that I'm one of those routine-moms while writing out Lyla's daily foods and activities for our sitters. I think I gave at least 5 food options for every mealtime, noted her favorite books, songs, cuddly things, etc. And mind you, it's her aunt and grandmother who she will be staying with - people who I'm sure know these things. But nevertheless, I wrote them down.
I cannot wait till I hear that small cry come over the monitor every morning so I can go in and give her a big smooch, and listen to her point out different things around her room: "look mommy, those my creams and powders for my bum!" ...that's one of my favorites. I hope I can find some time to relax and enjoy Cancun, because I know I'm going to be anxious to get home and see my squishy <3
Friday, September 2, 2011
Fear of Flying
It's amazing how becoming a mother has the ability to change your views on nearly everything. For instance, before we booked our honeymoon in Cancun, I had never had a fear of flying; if the plane went down before, it was just me. But now? The plane goes down, or I go missing in Mexico, and my daughter's life will change dramatically. And although these are far-fetched fears, it's hard to do anything that would even have a 1% chance of putting my child's life through such turmoil; mainly because it seems no matter what I write in my will, or how hard my family fights, she will end up with her biological father, Ben. The thought of this nearly caused me to forget the honeymoon all together.
It's so unfair, that although he has wished to give up his rights, and although he hasn't seen her in nearly 4 months, that because she is simply biologically linked to him, he gets rights over anyone else in our family who sees her daily; who knows the things she likes and how she acts. Who knows her favorite songs, books, and games. Who knows HER. And for this, I think our court system is pretty (bleepin) messed up. How is it in my daughter's best interest to be put in day care all day everyday while he works his 60 hour/week shifts? Or to be raised in a household where 24 hour tv and smoking are okay? I'll tell you right now, if anything does happen to me and he gets her, I will be rolling in my grave.
As a mother I feel that no one will ever be good enough for my girl. Hell, even sometimes I don't feel like I'm good enough for her. But I do all I can to make sure she's eating healthy, read to daily, plays outside, watches limited tv, and also has down time. I guess I feel that no one will put in such an effort with her since they will never be her mother, and I know that a life with Ben will mean junk food, no bed time, and the tv-babysitter.
But regardless, we leave for cancun in 17 days, because I know I can't live my life in fear. Though it has definitely taken away from some of the excitement I should be feeling to have quality time with my new husband in a different country. And even if it doesn't do anything in the long run, I do plan to write a will. And I do hope that all my friends and family, if the worst is to happen, will fight to the death for that child. She deserves nothing but the best.
It's so unfair, that although he has wished to give up his rights, and although he hasn't seen her in nearly 4 months, that because she is simply biologically linked to him, he gets rights over anyone else in our family who sees her daily; who knows the things she likes and how she acts. Who knows her favorite songs, books, and games. Who knows HER. And for this, I think our court system is pretty (bleepin) messed up. How is it in my daughter's best interest to be put in day care all day everyday while he works his 60 hour/week shifts? Or to be raised in a household where 24 hour tv and smoking are okay? I'll tell you right now, if anything does happen to me and he gets her, I will be rolling in my grave.
As a mother I feel that no one will ever be good enough for my girl. Hell, even sometimes I don't feel like I'm good enough for her. But I do all I can to make sure she's eating healthy, read to daily, plays outside, watches limited tv, and also has down time. I guess I feel that no one will put in such an effort with her since they will never be her mother, and I know that a life with Ben will mean junk food, no bed time, and the tv-babysitter.
But regardless, we leave for cancun in 17 days, because I know I can't live my life in fear. Though it has definitely taken away from some of the excitement I should be feeling to have quality time with my new husband in a different country. And even if it doesn't do anything in the long run, I do plan to write a will. And I do hope that all my friends and family, if the worst is to happen, will fight to the death for that child. She deserves nothing but the best.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Single Digits Tomorrow!
In 10 days at this time, I'll be getting all dolled up; hair and makeup, lingerie, shoes and the dress. Our flowers will be delivered, photographer will arrive, and I'll make my final drive to the church as Lauren Greenslit.
It's crazy to think how fast it came; way back in November when we became engaged, 10 months seemed like forever-away...and now it's in 10 DAYS.
Over the past few weeks, RSVPs arrived daily, and we were disappointed with how many non-responses there were. Especially when we found out those no-shows were because of work, or games. C'man, really? You've known for 10 months and all of a sudden you can't get work off? Or miss a game? It said a lot to us about certain people, and we had our choice words about it and moved on with our love for one another and focused on the importance of our big day.
That's all it should really be about anyway - love. I actually hate the fact that I have some big expensive dress I'll wear once, and that I have to worry about how my hair and make up will come out, or consider other people's feelings when it comes to the music choices made or the food we've prepared. Aren't we missing the big picture here? People go to weddings because they want to be in the presence of true love, and also, to support those who have been lucky enough to find it. Everything else is icing on the cake.
As the next ten days both drag and fly by, I look forward with anticipation of God's greatest gift. And we feel lucky to have those we love and are close to there to celebrate with us.
"Love is patient, love is kind
It is not jealous, is not pompous,
it is not infalted, it is not rude,
it does not seek its own interests,
it is not quick tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrong doing
but rejoices with truth.
It bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails."
It's crazy to think how fast it came; way back in November when we became engaged, 10 months seemed like forever-away...and now it's in 10 DAYS.
Over the past few weeks, RSVPs arrived daily, and we were disappointed with how many non-responses there were. Especially when we found out those no-shows were because of work, or games. C'man, really? You've known for 10 months and all of a sudden you can't get work off? Or miss a game? It said a lot to us about certain people, and we had our choice words about it and moved on with our love for one another and focused on the importance of our big day.
That's all it should really be about anyway - love. I actually hate the fact that I have some big expensive dress I'll wear once, and that I have to worry about how my hair and make up will come out, or consider other people's feelings when it comes to the music choices made or the food we've prepared. Aren't we missing the big picture here? People go to weddings because they want to be in the presence of true love, and also, to support those who have been lucky enough to find it. Everything else is icing on the cake.
As the next ten days both drag and fly by, I look forward with anticipation of God's greatest gift. And we feel lucky to have those we love and are close to there to celebrate with us.
"Love is patient, love is kind
It is not jealous, is not pompous,
it is not infalted, it is not rude,
it does not seek its own interests,
it is not quick tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrong doing
but rejoices with truth.
It bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails."
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wedding Jitters
Well, the countdown continues: 18 days until Eric and I become husband and wife. RSVP cards are coming in by the day, and I'm sure to be developing a case of arthritis after hand-writing each seating card and thank-you note. Together forever in just over 2 weeks.
...Forever!? This word, along with "life-long" threw me in the cold feet direction the other night as Eric and I read our words of wisdom cards from our wedding shower. My fear didn't come from thinking I couldn't do it, but that our focus is on the near future; the wedding, children, a house, vacations...all the luxuries of marriage and family. Reality check, please?
Eric and I then spent the night discussing our future beyond this dream world. How will we handle the stress of adding to our family? How will we be able to work, be parents, and still find the energy and time to make each other happy? How will we handle 60+ years of ups and downs, arguments, and hard times? Especially when we don't see divorce as an option. There's no way out; the only way to make it work is to do just that - MAKE IT WORK. Forever is a long, long time. Lucky for us, we feel confident that beyond the golden years, we'll still be together, holding hands and looking back on silly things we argued over, and how they made us stronger. That was Eric's advice to me in my worried state of mind the other night - it's not how many arguments we have, it's the fact that we get through them together and come out closer and stronger; another obsticle overcome.
In a very appropriate Lauren-Eric world, allow me to reference Boy Meets World; Topanga was worried to make a life commitment to Corey because her parents were getting a divorce, and she believed all hope for true love was gone. She was worried to ever cause Corey the pain she saw her parents going through - until she talked to her mother. She explained to Topanga that although she was no longer married, and that yes, the divorce was rough, she would have rather been married and divorced, than to never had experienced the love she shared with Topanga's father; that if she knew they would end up divorced, the years they spent together, happy, were well worth it. As the old saying goes: it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. So, Topanga agreed to marry Corey, by saying: "here's to the rest of our lives, or until tomorrow".
Eric and I are not enterting this marriage thinking "Hey! Let's give this a shot and if it doesn't work out, there's always divorce"; we are getting married to make a life long commitment to each other, however, neither of us can predict the future. We can only hope for the best, try our hardest, and know that every moment spent together is worth it. I love him with all my heart, trust him unconditionally, and know he feels the same in return. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us, and to see how we over come each obsticle thrown our way.
So, goodbye wedding jitters; here's to the countdown - to the wedding, to forever.
...Forever!? This word, along with "life-long" threw me in the cold feet direction the other night as Eric and I read our words of wisdom cards from our wedding shower. My fear didn't come from thinking I couldn't do it, but that our focus is on the near future; the wedding, children, a house, vacations...all the luxuries of marriage and family. Reality check, please?
Eric and I then spent the night discussing our future beyond this dream world. How will we handle the stress of adding to our family? How will we be able to work, be parents, and still find the energy and time to make each other happy? How will we handle 60+ years of ups and downs, arguments, and hard times? Especially when we don't see divorce as an option. There's no way out; the only way to make it work is to do just that - MAKE IT WORK. Forever is a long, long time. Lucky for us, we feel confident that beyond the golden years, we'll still be together, holding hands and looking back on silly things we argued over, and how they made us stronger. That was Eric's advice to me in my worried state of mind the other night - it's not how many arguments we have, it's the fact that we get through them together and come out closer and stronger; another obsticle overcome.
In a very appropriate Lauren-Eric world, allow me to reference Boy Meets World; Topanga was worried to make a life commitment to Corey because her parents were getting a divorce, and she believed all hope for true love was gone. She was worried to ever cause Corey the pain she saw her parents going through - until she talked to her mother. She explained to Topanga that although she was no longer married, and that yes, the divorce was rough, she would have rather been married and divorced, than to never had experienced the love she shared with Topanga's father; that if she knew they would end up divorced, the years they spent together, happy, were well worth it. As the old saying goes: it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. So, Topanga agreed to marry Corey, by saying: "here's to the rest of our lives, or until tomorrow".
Eric and I are not enterting this marriage thinking "Hey! Let's give this a shot and if it doesn't work out, there's always divorce"; we are getting married to make a life long commitment to each other, however, neither of us can predict the future. We can only hope for the best, try our hardest, and know that every moment spent together is worth it. I love him with all my heart, trust him unconditionally, and know he feels the same in return. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us, and to see how we over come each obsticle thrown our way.
So, goodbye wedding jitters; here's to the countdown - to the wedding, to forever.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Problems to be worked through
So, as the "who works harder" arguments simmer down, we move on to our next common disagreement; our work out schedules.
Eric has signed up to work with a trainer 3x a week after work, and luckily, 2 of the 3 nights, I am at work while he's at the gym, so we don't miss out on that much time together. The hard part? Trying to squeeze my work out schedule somewhere in there, too. Is it more important to have the extra time together? Or for me to have an equal amount of time to exercise as well?
Wednesday night is my night to hit the gym. I have the option to leave Lyla in the child care center of our YMCA, or also to leave her home with Eric after work. I am grateful for this night "off" as I call it (seeing how it's nearly the only break I get from motherhood), but after previously running 5-6 times a week, one 1-hour trip to the gym per week doesn't really cut it. Not to mention, we have this small thing called a wedding coming up in just over 6 weeks...Crunch time, people!
When I brought this up to Eric, I expected him to be indifferent about it, since he had 3 days to work out and I only had 1; I didn't feel I was asking for much. The day I preferred, he preferred as well. Then there was the argument about this being more time apart from each other during the week, which, yes, was my primary argument when he mentioned working out 3x a week instead of just the 2 nights I was at work. So in his opinion, me adding a work out day is just another wasted hour that could be spent together. True, but I'm in this wedding too. Hot Bride? Yes please. 2nd gym night, added.
When the discussion of a possible weekend work out came up as well, I seemed to have crossed some line. In his opinion, I'm cutting more time away from each other. In my opinion, this one day per weekend will only equal his work out days, and I could even run before he is awake, cutting out no time. Fine, but now he wants to work out on the weekend because I can, too. Fair? To him, yes. To me? I'm not sure. I am glad he is eager to work out because it's a great thing for him, and he's always in a good mood afterwards. But if his argument was about time together, why would he run off to the gym on weekends when he already had his 3 days, just because I may have gone for a quick 30 minute run?
I cannot wait to look back at these blogs, and laugh about what "silly" problems we once had. We always seem to work through things, and I'm sure these will be things to move on from, too. But hey, that's what blogs are for, right?
Eric has signed up to work with a trainer 3x a week after work, and luckily, 2 of the 3 nights, I am at work while he's at the gym, so we don't miss out on that much time together. The hard part? Trying to squeeze my work out schedule somewhere in there, too. Is it more important to have the extra time together? Or for me to have an equal amount of time to exercise as well?
Wednesday night is my night to hit the gym. I have the option to leave Lyla in the child care center of our YMCA, or also to leave her home with Eric after work. I am grateful for this night "off" as I call it (seeing how it's nearly the only break I get from motherhood), but after previously running 5-6 times a week, one 1-hour trip to the gym per week doesn't really cut it. Not to mention, we have this small thing called a wedding coming up in just over 6 weeks...Crunch time, people!
When I brought this up to Eric, I expected him to be indifferent about it, since he had 3 days to work out and I only had 1; I didn't feel I was asking for much. The day I preferred, he preferred as well. Then there was the argument about this being more time apart from each other during the week, which, yes, was my primary argument when he mentioned working out 3x a week instead of just the 2 nights I was at work. So in his opinion, me adding a work out day is just another wasted hour that could be spent together. True, but I'm in this wedding too. Hot Bride? Yes please. 2nd gym night, added.
When the discussion of a possible weekend work out came up as well, I seemed to have crossed some line. In his opinion, I'm cutting more time away from each other. In my opinion, this one day per weekend will only equal his work out days, and I could even run before he is awake, cutting out no time. Fine, but now he wants to work out on the weekend because I can, too. Fair? To him, yes. To me? I'm not sure. I am glad he is eager to work out because it's a great thing for him, and he's always in a good mood afterwards. But if his argument was about time together, why would he run off to the gym on weekends when he already had his 3 days, just because I may have gone for a quick 30 minute run?
I cannot wait to look back at these blogs, and laugh about what "silly" problems we once had. We always seem to work through things, and I'm sure these will be things to move on from, too. But hey, that's what blogs are for, right?
Full Time Mom or Full Time Job?
Is a 40 hour job necessarily harder than being a full time mom? My Fiance tends to think so, and therefore we find ourselves in front of this issue often. Now, let me start by saying that I know how hard he works, and I really truly respect him for it; he's up at 4:10 every morning to be out the door by 5am, and at work by 6:30. He works hard all day as an electrician, on his feet and working with his hands, only to come home and (most often) be willing to help out with dinner, dishes and laundry. He is absolutely wonderful, until I chime in and mention that I may be tired from working all day, too.
One hurtful thing he said to me one day was "how hard is it to go to the playground?" And at first, it made me so angry to hear him say this. But then I began to think about it, and have come up with this conclusion: It's not that my job is necessarily harder than his, but in my opinion, requires a lot more energy, which at the end of the day is totally drained.
I do put a lot of this on myself, because I choose to do each and everything I do with my daughter. No, I don't have to take the 45 minute detour to the playground, but it's the only means of exercise I can fit in. Yes, I could let her watch tv or movies back to back so I can relax, but why do that when we can read books, play tag, or color outside with chalk? Being a good mother requires a constant up-beat, happy attitude, no matter what is going on in your life. If something upsets me, I'm not going to talk to my 2 year old about it, or take it out on her by not playing with her because "I'm not in the mood". On these days, come Lyla's bedtime, I'm pretty much ready for bed myself. Having to be happy and the best you can be, when you're feeling anything but, is hard. Simple as that. Zzz...
Eric often thinks its easier for me than for him, when I remind him of the times he's watched Lyla for longer lengths of time, and how tired he was in the end. And often this is true, since I am the mommy, and I am the one she cries for. A hug and kiss from me is what can make things "all bedduh". But who can I give her to when she's throwing a fit in the grocery store? Or throwing her plate full of food off the high chair? I don't have anyone to hand her off to. While Eric watches her at home and counts down the minutes until I return to relieve him, this is not something I have. No complaints, but again, it just creates more exhaustion.
Physically, there's no doubt he works harder in a day than I do most days. But his 40 hours is nothing compared to my 24-7 in my opinion. I don't get weekends off. I'm not out of work by 3. I wake up 1-5 times during the night with my toddler who still wakes often. So, both in our stubborn minds, we both think that we work harder than the other. I just hope we find some balance in allowing each other to be equally exhausted, and have respect for both hard workings jobs.
One hurtful thing he said to me one day was "how hard is it to go to the playground?" And at first, it made me so angry to hear him say this. But then I began to think about it, and have come up with this conclusion: It's not that my job is necessarily harder than his, but in my opinion, requires a lot more energy, which at the end of the day is totally drained.
I do put a lot of this on myself, because I choose to do each and everything I do with my daughter. No, I don't have to take the 45 minute detour to the playground, but it's the only means of exercise I can fit in. Yes, I could let her watch tv or movies back to back so I can relax, but why do that when we can read books, play tag, or color outside with chalk? Being a good mother requires a constant up-beat, happy attitude, no matter what is going on in your life. If something upsets me, I'm not going to talk to my 2 year old about it, or take it out on her by not playing with her because "I'm not in the mood". On these days, come Lyla's bedtime, I'm pretty much ready for bed myself. Having to be happy and the best you can be, when you're feeling anything but, is hard. Simple as that. Zzz...
Eric often thinks its easier for me than for him, when I remind him of the times he's watched Lyla for longer lengths of time, and how tired he was in the end. And often this is true, since I am the mommy, and I am the one she cries for. A hug and kiss from me is what can make things "all bedduh". But who can I give her to when she's throwing a fit in the grocery store? Or throwing her plate full of food off the high chair? I don't have anyone to hand her off to. While Eric watches her at home and counts down the minutes until I return to relieve him, this is not something I have. No complaints, but again, it just creates more exhaustion.
Physically, there's no doubt he works harder in a day than I do most days. But his 40 hours is nothing compared to my 24-7 in my opinion. I don't get weekends off. I'm not out of work by 3. I wake up 1-5 times during the night with my toddler who still wakes often. So, both in our stubborn minds, we both think that we work harder than the other. I just hope we find some balance in allowing each other to be equally exhausted, and have respect for both hard workings jobs.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Really!?
"Are you going to let me see my daughter or no?" ...This is the text message I received from Lyla's father last night after 3 weeks of no contact; our last conversation being that he wanted to sign Lyla over to me and give up his parenting rights.
Knowing that responding would only lead to the same conversation I've had with him countless times, I stormed around my apartment exclaiming "Really!? Really, is he serious!?" while Eric contacted his aunt who works for a lawfirm for further direction. My blood was boiling, but not responding could lead to him claiming I was actually preventing him from seeing Lyla, and be used against me in court, I decided to sent a nonchalant response of "I never prevented it". As just as I assuned, this lead to the usual accusations of me breaking the court order, turning his daughter against him, "brainwashing her" to hate him, and so on.
"Why do you want to kick me out of Lyla's life so bad?" ...he's the one who wanted to give her up!
"I can't afford the ride there" ...maybe he should have thought of his daughter before he bought that $30,000 car?
"If you're not ganna let me see her I'll sign her over" ...again, I'm not preventing anything, and if he's willing to do this, then he doesn't deserve her anyway.
And just to prove how absolutely frustrating and all over the place these conversations with Ben can be: By the end of our texting-war, Ben said he's never giving up his daughter, and was trying to accuse me of abuse so that he can have full custody.
He tried to scare me, by saying things like "you're no mother of the year, you don't even know what i have on you!" To which I respond that I know he has nothing, and that he doesn't scare me in the least. And the abuse thing? To me, is just funny, because I rarely raise my voice to that little girl.
He then told me he was going to see her tomorrow and demanded I meet him half way. Again, a conversation I've had countless times, that if I were speaking instead of texting, would sound totally monotone: "no ben you broke the court order and so i am no longer required to meet you by orders of my lawyer" ...practially one long word at this point rather than a sentence. And when I told him, again, that he was more than welcome to come get her from her home in Fairhaven, his response was "really? I thought u said I didnt deserve to be in her life?" ...Really, Ben? I am so tired of these games of his.
I have been nothing but consistant with my responses to this ridiculousness, stating facts from our court agreement and sending reminders about what is in Lyla's best interest. He's the one who goes back and forth between saying he wants a paternity test and wants to sign her over, to him taking her away from me for full custody...but I'm the one who he says needs a "psycologest" as he says?
Another back-n-forth example was why he didn't give me is work schedule on time, as the court ordered. He first started by saying that it was a dead season at work, and that there was no way to know his schedule, and then went on to claim he sent it to me the minute he got his hands on it. Neither in which are true. I told him that if he knew he was going to be unaware of his schedule the following week, he could have easily called and told me that, just as if he were to call me WITH his schedule, but he didn't. And as far as him "always" sending me his schedule? I have received only one email from him with it.
I just feel lucky to have saved every email, and every text, so that I will have proof in court when he tried to pull these outrageous accusations. I also felt it necessary to share with people; A) so I can share my frustration, and B) so that people can just see what he is doing to me and our daughter. I have no doubts that I am the best mother I can be, and also, that I have the world to back me up on it. I can do nothing but think of what is in Lyla's best interest, and when I tried explaining this to Ben, is when he chose to end the conversation.
To make matters worse? Lyla got to talk to Ben yesterday. Her face lit up as she said "Hi Daddy!! Daddy wears a hat", and it broke my heart. Even more when I held her and she begged me to see him, and when I said "we can't right now", she shrugged her shoulders asking "maybe later?" and this began the waterworks. Now, I know that if she saw him after 2 months she wouldn't do well with him, seeing how the last time he saw her it was only for a few hours because he couldn't get her to eat or stop crying; and that was only after one week of missed visitation. But the fact that she was just saying she wanted to, made me so sad for her.
Ben needs to make a choice. Be in her life consistantly, or get the fuck out (pardon my french). This upsets me more than anything, to see this little person who I love more than anything in this world, unknowingly effected by something pertaining so greatly to her life. It's not fair, what he's doing; all this back and forth. If he wants in, he needs to make the effort. If not, he needs to let us move on with our lives. I have to admit, that at this point I am pushing for him to just sign her on over, or atleast give up his legal visitation. I was looking forward to not having to share my daughter on holidays, and to have her all to myself. But, selfish reasons aside, I was looking forward to not having to see Lyla's face when Ben had to work on a visitation day, or went weeks without seeing her because he couldn't afford the gas money. I was looking forward to getting such a poison out of her life for good, and now that this may not happen, is the most suffocating feeling. You want to protect your child, but when the harmful one is the biological and legal father, there's nothing I can do. And so, I am stuck.
....Really, Ben, really?
Knowing that responding would only lead to the same conversation I've had with him countless times, I stormed around my apartment exclaiming "Really!? Really, is he serious!?" while Eric contacted his aunt who works for a lawfirm for further direction. My blood was boiling, but not responding could lead to him claiming I was actually preventing him from seeing Lyla, and be used against me in court, I decided to sent a nonchalant response of "I never prevented it". As just as I assuned, this lead to the usual accusations of me breaking the court order, turning his daughter against him, "brainwashing her" to hate him, and so on.
"Why do you want to kick me out of Lyla's life so bad?" ...he's the one who wanted to give her up!
"I can't afford the ride there" ...maybe he should have thought of his daughter before he bought that $30,000 car?
"If you're not ganna let me see her I'll sign her over" ...again, I'm not preventing anything, and if he's willing to do this, then he doesn't deserve her anyway.
And just to prove how absolutely frustrating and all over the place these conversations with Ben can be: By the end of our texting-war, Ben said he's never giving up his daughter, and was trying to accuse me of abuse so that he can have full custody.
He tried to scare me, by saying things like "you're no mother of the year, you don't even know what i have on you!" To which I respond that I know he has nothing, and that he doesn't scare me in the least. And the abuse thing? To me, is just funny, because I rarely raise my voice to that little girl.
He then told me he was going to see her tomorrow and demanded I meet him half way. Again, a conversation I've had countless times, that if I were speaking instead of texting, would sound totally monotone: "no ben you broke the court order and so i am no longer required to meet you by orders of my lawyer" ...practially one long word at this point rather than a sentence. And when I told him, again, that he was more than welcome to come get her from her home in Fairhaven, his response was "really? I thought u said I didnt deserve to be in her life?" ...Really, Ben? I am so tired of these games of his.
I have been nothing but consistant with my responses to this ridiculousness, stating facts from our court agreement and sending reminders about what is in Lyla's best interest. He's the one who goes back and forth between saying he wants a paternity test and wants to sign her over, to him taking her away from me for full custody...but I'm the one who he says needs a "psycologest" as he says?
Another back-n-forth example was why he didn't give me is work schedule on time, as the court ordered. He first started by saying that it was a dead season at work, and that there was no way to know his schedule, and then went on to claim he sent it to me the minute he got his hands on it. Neither in which are true. I told him that if he knew he was going to be unaware of his schedule the following week, he could have easily called and told me that, just as if he were to call me WITH his schedule, but he didn't. And as far as him "always" sending me his schedule? I have received only one email from him with it.
I just feel lucky to have saved every email, and every text, so that I will have proof in court when he tried to pull these outrageous accusations. I also felt it necessary to share with people; A) so I can share my frustration, and B) so that people can just see what he is doing to me and our daughter. I have no doubts that I am the best mother I can be, and also, that I have the world to back me up on it. I can do nothing but think of what is in Lyla's best interest, and when I tried explaining this to Ben, is when he chose to end the conversation.
To make matters worse? Lyla got to talk to Ben yesterday. Her face lit up as she said "Hi Daddy!! Daddy wears a hat", and it broke my heart. Even more when I held her and she begged me to see him, and when I said "we can't right now", she shrugged her shoulders asking "maybe later?" and this began the waterworks. Now, I know that if she saw him after 2 months she wouldn't do well with him, seeing how the last time he saw her it was only for a few hours because he couldn't get her to eat or stop crying; and that was only after one week of missed visitation. But the fact that she was just saying she wanted to, made me so sad for her.
Ben needs to make a choice. Be in her life consistantly, or get the fuck out (pardon my french). This upsets me more than anything, to see this little person who I love more than anything in this world, unknowingly effected by something pertaining so greatly to her life. It's not fair, what he's doing; all this back and forth. If he wants in, he needs to make the effort. If not, he needs to let us move on with our lives. I have to admit, that at this point I am pushing for him to just sign her on over, or atleast give up his legal visitation. I was looking forward to not having to share my daughter on holidays, and to have her all to myself. But, selfish reasons aside, I was looking forward to not having to see Lyla's face when Ben had to work on a visitation day, or went weeks without seeing her because he couldn't afford the gas money. I was looking forward to getting such a poison out of her life for good, and now that this may not happen, is the most suffocating feeling. You want to protect your child, but when the harmful one is the biological and legal father, there's nothing I can do. And so, I am stuck.
....Really, Ben, really?
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Death
I just learned that a high school classmate had passed away this morning. And although this was not someone I was particularly close with, I knew him. And the fact that he was here yesterday and gone today really made me think, and ultimately, turned me into a sobbing mess.
My first reaction was just how fragile life is. And from there, I moved to feel very lucky to have not lost any close friends or family members, and also for my own health & that of my daughter. I don't think I could love anyone as much as I love that little girl, and knowing that sometime next week a mother will have to bury her child just haunts me. My daughter is 2, her son was atleast 23; I can't imagine the memories they have made over the years and the pain she must be suffering, and that is only in comparison with the barely 2 year time frame I have had with my own child. The thought of losing her brings me to instant tears.
Then, my thoughts moved to the last time I saw my grandfather. I was the last person he spoke anything recognizable to: "I love you". I knew he'd hate to see me cry; it was one of the first things he said to my mother when he learned his cancer treatments weren't working: "what about Lauren? what about the grandchildren?" So, I bit my lip and looked up at the ceiling to try and avoid the dam in my eyes from breaking and allowing the waterfall to come crashing down. "I love you, too", I managed. I'd do anything to have Eric meet him, to have him back.
And as my emotional night came to an end, Eric and I got into a small argument leading us to sleep back to back instead of in my usual "nook", and after about 10 minutes of laying there in silence I couldn't take it. I moved his sleeping, heavy arm around my body and lay my head on his chest. I silently listened to his heart beating and as tears began to roll down my cheek, over my nose, and onto him, I got up to write this blog. It was a sign of life. Something that my high school classmate no longer has, and something I am ever so grateful to listen to in the chest of the man I love most in this world.
It's tragedies like this that really put things in perspective sometimes. That argument we just had was nothing compared to the thought of losing him, and so, now that this is off my mind and onto paper (or laptop), I'll crawl back into bed, and take my position in my nook, where I can hear the life of my future husband beating.
My first reaction was just how fragile life is. And from there, I moved to feel very lucky to have not lost any close friends or family members, and also for my own health & that of my daughter. I don't think I could love anyone as much as I love that little girl, and knowing that sometime next week a mother will have to bury her child just haunts me. My daughter is 2, her son was atleast 23; I can't imagine the memories they have made over the years and the pain she must be suffering, and that is only in comparison with the barely 2 year time frame I have had with my own child. The thought of losing her brings me to instant tears.
Then, my thoughts moved to the last time I saw my grandfather. I was the last person he spoke anything recognizable to: "I love you". I knew he'd hate to see me cry; it was one of the first things he said to my mother when he learned his cancer treatments weren't working: "what about Lauren? what about the grandchildren?" So, I bit my lip and looked up at the ceiling to try and avoid the dam in my eyes from breaking and allowing the waterfall to come crashing down. "I love you, too", I managed. I'd do anything to have Eric meet him, to have him back.
And as my emotional night came to an end, Eric and I got into a small argument leading us to sleep back to back instead of in my usual "nook", and after about 10 minutes of laying there in silence I couldn't take it. I moved his sleeping, heavy arm around my body and lay my head on his chest. I silently listened to his heart beating and as tears began to roll down my cheek, over my nose, and onto him, I got up to write this blog. It was a sign of life. Something that my high school classmate no longer has, and something I am ever so grateful to listen to in the chest of the man I love most in this world.
It's tragedies like this that really put things in perspective sometimes. That argument we just had was nothing compared to the thought of losing him, and so, now that this is off my mind and onto paper (or laptop), I'll crawl back into bed, and take my position in my nook, where I can hear the life of my future husband beating.
When Lies Become The Truth
When I was 18, my boyfriend of over 2 years and I had broken up, and I hooked up with his best friend. This was never the intention when he had asked me to hang out that afternoon, but he put me in a high-pressure situation and disguised it with the a childish game of truth or dare. Though I don't remember how, my ex-boyfriend found out about this little hang out, and naturally, was anything but thrilled. When the 3 of us got together to talk about it, I gushed and cried and spilled everything in an outburst apology filled with guilt. And the best friend? He denied the whole thing. He tried telling me I was crazy, and was making things up to destroy their friendship. If I couldn't have him, no one could, right? Wrong. My ex eventually believed me, explaining how his friend had a tendency to change things in his head, and then actually truly believe these changes were real. I though this was absolute bullshit; he knew what he did, and he knew what happened. This is what I thought anyway, until it happened to me, too.
Years ago, I made up this incredible lie, for no reason at all. At first, it was just to myself; thinking of what could be different if this lie were true. And then to test those differences, I told someone this lie actually happened. The way I felt as I heard the untrue words spew from my mouth was empowering. And so, I would tell another person here and there, but never anyone too close to me, I couldn't do that. The more I talked about it, the more I thought about it, and the more elaborate it became in my head; I eventually even created a visual of what I imagined this lie would look like, feel like. And there, in my own head, I too, believed this lie to be true. The more I believed it, the more I felt compelled to talk about it, because just like any other real situation in life, you talk about things with people you are close to. And this eventually lead to me telling close friends and even some family members. If you gave me a lie detector test and asked me if this were true, I would have passed with flying colors. I had talked about it so much, I could actually SEE what I was talking about, I could feel the feelings I was describing. To me, this WAS real.
It wasn't until I had Lyla that I went back and thought about this lie. I was looking at her, brand new to this world; a clean slate. Free of anything bad in life. And all of a sudden, I woke up from this dream world I had been living in, and felt a great deal of guilt. To this day, there are only 4 people who know about this lie, and not one of them is one who I had originally told it to. They were people who had never been lied to, and who were told the tale of this lie, and why I did it, and how I too believed it. When I talk to them about it, they assure and reassure me that it's nothing I need to go back and apologize for, because it didn't hurt anyone. I wasn't hiding a murder or secret family. The only person who was hurt from this situation was me, for all the guilt I am plagued with from it. I'm not sure I'll ever have the strength to go back to each person and admit that this tall tale was indeed just that.
On a lighter note, I can't say I entirely regret this lie either. Because I am filled with such guilt from lying to people so close to me, I can honestly say that nothing more than a little-white-lie has passed through these lips since then. And for that, I feel wonderful. I feel like I never want to lie again, and I feel like a better person for that. Luckily, my fiance is one of those 4 who does know about this lie, and I am thankful that he was there to listen when I talked to him about it, and didn't think any less of me for it. Infact, I believe it was one of the very first things I opened up to him about. I knew I liked him a lot, and I knew I wanted that clean-slate in this new relationship. I was open and honest with him from the start, when he still had the chance to run, and he's still here. So in some ways I am thankful for torturing myself this way, because I know that the one thing that will never plague my marriage is a lie, and all because of this terrible thing I said 4 years ago.
Years ago, I made up this incredible lie, for no reason at all. At first, it was just to myself; thinking of what could be different if this lie were true. And then to test those differences, I told someone this lie actually happened. The way I felt as I heard the untrue words spew from my mouth was empowering. And so, I would tell another person here and there, but never anyone too close to me, I couldn't do that. The more I talked about it, the more I thought about it, and the more elaborate it became in my head; I eventually even created a visual of what I imagined this lie would look like, feel like. And there, in my own head, I too, believed this lie to be true. The more I believed it, the more I felt compelled to talk about it, because just like any other real situation in life, you talk about things with people you are close to. And this eventually lead to me telling close friends and even some family members. If you gave me a lie detector test and asked me if this were true, I would have passed with flying colors. I had talked about it so much, I could actually SEE what I was talking about, I could feel the feelings I was describing. To me, this WAS real.
It wasn't until I had Lyla that I went back and thought about this lie. I was looking at her, brand new to this world; a clean slate. Free of anything bad in life. And all of a sudden, I woke up from this dream world I had been living in, and felt a great deal of guilt. To this day, there are only 4 people who know about this lie, and not one of them is one who I had originally told it to. They were people who had never been lied to, and who were told the tale of this lie, and why I did it, and how I too believed it. When I talk to them about it, they assure and reassure me that it's nothing I need to go back and apologize for, because it didn't hurt anyone. I wasn't hiding a murder or secret family. The only person who was hurt from this situation was me, for all the guilt I am plagued with from it. I'm not sure I'll ever have the strength to go back to each person and admit that this tall tale was indeed just that.
On a lighter note, I can't say I entirely regret this lie either. Because I am filled with such guilt from lying to people so close to me, I can honestly say that nothing more than a little-white-lie has passed through these lips since then. And for that, I feel wonderful. I feel like I never want to lie again, and I feel like a better person for that. Luckily, my fiance is one of those 4 who does know about this lie, and I am thankful that he was there to listen when I talked to him about it, and didn't think any less of me for it. Infact, I believe it was one of the very first things I opened up to him about. I knew I liked him a lot, and I knew I wanted that clean-slate in this new relationship. I was open and honest with him from the start, when he still had the chance to run, and he's still here. So in some ways I am thankful for torturing myself this way, because I know that the one thing that will never plague my marriage is a lie, and all because of this terrible thing I said 4 years ago.
Motherhood; 23 months in
My toddler just fascinates me. Everyday she can do something new, say something new. She's now at an age where she can tell me what she wants for lunch, where she wants to go today, and who'd she'd like to see. For the very first time on her own the other day, she walks up to me and says "I yuv-you mummy", and I turned into a pool on the living room couch. I even miss her when she goes to bed for the night. And now that she wakes up once or twice instead of every hour during the night, I sometimes even enjoy the "mummmmyyy" cry coming from the monitor at 3am, because it had been hours since I'd seen her last, and I know that means I get to go in and hold her for a minute before putting her back down till morning.
Her endless growth really hit me last week while in Maine. She was running barefoot on the beach, and squealing when the cold Maine ocean hit her "piggies". We spent hours on that beach, walking in the water hand-in-hand, picking up sea shells and finding crabs when I stopped and thought: "this is the very moment I had invisioned when I was pregnant". And realizing that 23 months later it had become reailty was one of the greatest feelings I have experienced thus far. It made me reflect on her first few months of life, wishing for the day when the rattle of a toy would distract her enough to make her stop crying, even for a minute. To go from then to now, and watch her run free on that beach, twirling in the ocean breeze with her arms out like an airplane, left me speechless. I just stood there and watched her enjoy life, and felt lucky to have given it to her.
Ever since she was born, I feel like all people have ever told me was "enjoy it, it goes by too fast", and now that she is almost true, I am finding out what a reaility that statement really is. Didn't I just take that pregnancy test? Didn't I just give birth to her? Where the time has gone, I have no idea. Just a couple months ago, she would say "I love you" by saying "I do" and say "Eric" by saying "Ekka". Now that she can not only say these things correctly, but use them in sentences, just flores me. And only in a matter of months!
I often think about the unlimited power you have as a parent. She only knows what I teach her, and naturally, you want to teach your children all the right things. But what if I told her that blue was yellow? Or that dessert comes before dinner? Or that endless time infront of the TV is good and that smoking is a plus? Of course, I would never do these things, but it makes you feel so powerful, not only to have the ABILITY to do such things, but even more so to be teaching her the RIGHT things.
As I write this, I am running back and forth to her room to wind, and re-wind this Pooh Bear snow globe which she loves to fall asleep to at nap time. It's a reminder of 1) why I stay so thin and 2) how parenting is anything but easy. Just when you think she's asleep and that I'd have a minute to finish a blog, take a shower, or get to those dreaded dishes, my little peanut whines "more p-p-poooooh-bayerrrr" over the monitor. It feels like by the time she's finally asleep, and the dishes and laundry are all done, you may FINALLY get a minute to yourself to pick up a book or watch a recorded tv episode, until "mummmyyyy" comes across the monitor, yet again. It's exhausting, but once I open that door and get my post-nap greeting of "Hi mummy! I had good dreams! We eat lunch? Maca-rooooni?"...time to myself? what is that? I simply forget, and move on with the rest of my day doing what I love; being a Mother.
Her endless growth really hit me last week while in Maine. She was running barefoot on the beach, and squealing when the cold Maine ocean hit her "piggies". We spent hours on that beach, walking in the water hand-in-hand, picking up sea shells and finding crabs when I stopped and thought: "this is the very moment I had invisioned when I was pregnant". And realizing that 23 months later it had become reailty was one of the greatest feelings I have experienced thus far. It made me reflect on her first few months of life, wishing for the day when the rattle of a toy would distract her enough to make her stop crying, even for a minute. To go from then to now, and watch her run free on that beach, twirling in the ocean breeze with her arms out like an airplane, left me speechless. I just stood there and watched her enjoy life, and felt lucky to have given it to her.
Ever since she was born, I feel like all people have ever told me was "enjoy it, it goes by too fast", and now that she is almost true, I am finding out what a reaility that statement really is. Didn't I just take that pregnancy test? Didn't I just give birth to her? Where the time has gone, I have no idea. Just a couple months ago, she would say "I love you" by saying "I do" and say "Eric" by saying "Ekka". Now that she can not only say these things correctly, but use them in sentences, just flores me. And only in a matter of months!
I often think about the unlimited power you have as a parent. She only knows what I teach her, and naturally, you want to teach your children all the right things. But what if I told her that blue was yellow? Or that dessert comes before dinner? Or that endless time infront of the TV is good and that smoking is a plus? Of course, I would never do these things, but it makes you feel so powerful, not only to have the ABILITY to do such things, but even more so to be teaching her the RIGHT things.
As I write this, I am running back and forth to her room to wind, and re-wind this Pooh Bear snow globe which she loves to fall asleep to at nap time. It's a reminder of 1) why I stay so thin and 2) how parenting is anything but easy. Just when you think she's asleep and that I'd have a minute to finish a blog, take a shower, or get to those dreaded dishes, my little peanut whines "more p-p-poooooh-bayerrrr" over the monitor. It feels like by the time she's finally asleep, and the dishes and laundry are all done, you may FINALLY get a minute to yourself to pick up a book or watch a recorded tv episode, until "mummmyyyy" comes across the monitor, yet again. It's exhausting, but once I open that door and get my post-nap greeting of "Hi mummy! I had good dreams! We eat lunch? Maca-rooooni?"...time to myself? what is that? I simply forget, and move on with the rest of my day doing what I love; being a Mother.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Amazing What A Year Can Bring
It's the 4th of July, 2010, and Eric has just made the 90 minute trip to Rutland for the very first time. Fast forward one year later, and we're watching the fireworks arm-in-arm from the kitchen window in our own apartment, due to be wed in just over 2 months.
These last 12 months have been remarkably memorable, and we've made it through it all, together. We suffered the loss of a pregnancy, the joy of an engagement. The hardships of family struggles, the excitment of the future. What a feeling it is to be sitting here 12 months later, and still feel the same joy, love, and confidence in Eric. Exciting talks, such as adding to our family, create such a thrill as we pave the way for our adventure through life, and also help prepare us for hardships we will certainly encounter. This past year has seemed like 5, and has shown us the good and the bad, the sick and the healthy, the better and the worse. I feel so lucky to feel the same way today as I did one year ago, only stronger.
It's amazing what a year can bring.
These last 12 months have been remarkably memorable, and we've made it through it all, together. We suffered the loss of a pregnancy, the joy of an engagement. The hardships of family struggles, the excitment of the future. What a feeling it is to be sitting here 12 months later, and still feel the same joy, love, and confidence in Eric. Exciting talks, such as adding to our family, create such a thrill as we pave the way for our adventure through life, and also help prepare us for hardships we will certainly encounter. This past year has seemed like 5, and has shown us the good and the bad, the sick and the healthy, the better and the worse. I feel so lucky to feel the same way today as I did one year ago, only stronger.
It's amazing what a year can bring.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Adventures in Motherhood
I am a daughter. I am an aunt. I am a friend, a cousin, and sister. But nearly 3 years ago when those 2 pink lines showed up on a home pregnancy test, I added yet another role: Mommy. Some stick made out of plastic that I just peed on has determined the rest of my life. And I never looked back.
As my tummy grew larger and the little flutters of baby feet kicked in (literally), I fell in love with this sea-monkey inside of me more and more each day. Being only 19, I certainly had statistics to overcome. I wanted to raise my baby myself, and not with my parents. I wanted to devote every minute of everyday to being a mother, and not look back and wish I was still out partying with my friends. I wanted to be the best mother I could be; not only for my child, but to show everyone I could. And everyday since those little pink lines appeared, I've done just that.
I remember waddling around the track, making terrible tasting healthy meals and snacks, rubbing ridiculous amounts of cocoa butter on my belly, and singing and reading to my unborn baby all throughout the day. I was so in love, and she wasn't even here yet.
Every doctors appointment was a miracle; that little heart beat, the healthy reports, I had never felt so lucky or proud to be doing such a good job. I knew that this was only the beginning of the rewards I would experience throughout motherhood, and could not wait for more. Although pregnant for what is technically 10 months, the fact that 2 cells can create a child never grew old. The fact that I had to do next to nothing but lay back and let my body take control, is astounding. Each day I was in total awe, until the day she was born; then I was speechless.
6lb14oz Lyla Ann was in a hurry when she came out after only 17 minutes of pushing. The doctors put her right on my chest and I got to meet my daughter for the first time. I believe my first words (when I finally found them) were "Hi. Happy Birthday." I didn't know what else to say. I just pushed out a child! A living, breathing, perfectly healthy, beautiful baby girl.
That was nearly 2 years ago, and the fact that she is mine still leaves me in awe. There are still moments everyday where I'll stop and just stare at my now toddler and think "She was inside of me! I created her!" And the rewards over these past 2 years are countless. Knowing that I devote all my time to being the best mother I can be, and seeing what a happy, healthy child she is, is THE most rewarding thing in this world. Children will grow to be like their parents, so I try my hardest to be patient and calm with her, which can be very difficult when she's disobeying or throwing a famous terrible 2's temper tantrum. But I am confident in my discipline when I hear Lyla playing with a doll and saying things like "you say please?" or "one more time then all done" and even "you want a time out?" It puts a smile on my face and is the utmost reassurance I can have.
Every now and then I'll flip through her baby book, which starts with that life changing plastic stick, ultrasounds, big-belly pictures, her birth, and her first year of life; all the milestones dated with a picture to accompany it. And I still cannot believe she's mine. I still cannot believe that those little pink lines lead to a child who is now walking and talking, and is so filled with life. Everytime she calls me "Mommy" my heart melts. I thought I'd get used to this whole Mommy-thing, but I am still in total and utter amazement of this little girl, who is all mine.
As my tummy grew larger and the little flutters of baby feet kicked in (literally), I fell in love with this sea-monkey inside of me more and more each day. Being only 19, I certainly had statistics to overcome. I wanted to raise my baby myself, and not with my parents. I wanted to devote every minute of everyday to being a mother, and not look back and wish I was still out partying with my friends. I wanted to be the best mother I could be; not only for my child, but to show everyone I could. And everyday since those little pink lines appeared, I've done just that.
I remember waddling around the track, making terrible tasting healthy meals and snacks, rubbing ridiculous amounts of cocoa butter on my belly, and singing and reading to my unborn baby all throughout the day. I was so in love, and she wasn't even here yet.
Every doctors appointment was a miracle; that little heart beat, the healthy reports, I had never felt so lucky or proud to be doing such a good job. I knew that this was only the beginning of the rewards I would experience throughout motherhood, and could not wait for more. Although pregnant for what is technically 10 months, the fact that 2 cells can create a child never grew old. The fact that I had to do next to nothing but lay back and let my body take control, is astounding. Each day I was in total awe, until the day she was born; then I was speechless.
6lb14oz Lyla Ann was in a hurry when she came out after only 17 minutes of pushing. The doctors put her right on my chest and I got to meet my daughter for the first time. I believe my first words (when I finally found them) were "Hi. Happy Birthday." I didn't know what else to say. I just pushed out a child! A living, breathing, perfectly healthy, beautiful baby girl.
That was nearly 2 years ago, and the fact that she is mine still leaves me in awe. There are still moments everyday where I'll stop and just stare at my now toddler and think "She was inside of me! I created her!" And the rewards over these past 2 years are countless. Knowing that I devote all my time to being the best mother I can be, and seeing what a happy, healthy child she is, is THE most rewarding thing in this world. Children will grow to be like their parents, so I try my hardest to be patient and calm with her, which can be very difficult when she's disobeying or throwing a famous terrible 2's temper tantrum. But I am confident in my discipline when I hear Lyla playing with a doll and saying things like "you say please?" or "one more time then all done" and even "you want a time out?" It puts a smile on my face and is the utmost reassurance I can have.
Every now and then I'll flip through her baby book, which starts with that life changing plastic stick, ultrasounds, big-belly pictures, her birth, and her first year of life; all the milestones dated with a picture to accompany it. And I still cannot believe she's mine. I still cannot believe that those little pink lines lead to a child who is now walking and talking, and is so filled with life. Everytime she calls me "Mommy" my heart melts. I thought I'd get used to this whole Mommy-thing, but I am still in total and utter amazement of this little girl, who is all mine.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Ready to be the Mrs.
Eric and I are almost at the 2 month count down to our wedding, and I cannot wait. Many people have asked me, "why get married?" seeing how I am only 22 and the first of my friends to take the leap, and all I can ever answer with are three simple words; "I feel ready".
Getting pregnant at 19 and being a mother by 20 was a door-slam on the party life style and a giant HELLO to maturity, responsibility, and adulthood. I was ready to say goodbye to the nights spent over a toilet bowl, and hello to a different type of all nighter. I suppose it was the same feeling of readiness for marriage.
Although I do feel that having a baby young prepared me to be wed earlier than the average person, it's certainly not the reason I am marrying. Eric was my 5th relationship lasting over one year. And after being in that many relationships I felt confident in knowing what I needed out of my next relationship and also, what I was able to give. One of the first things I told Eric was that I was a mother first and foremost, and that this may have prevented me from giving as much as I would like, or as much as he was used to receiving in the past. Luckily, I was able to find a healthy balance between Mommy and girlfriend. The more time Eric and I spent together, the more we learned what we were able to bring to the relationship and what we were able to take from it; the mixture was perfect.
People tend to roll their eyes when I tell them that the glue that binds us together is our honesty with each other. The general response is usually "...as far as you know". And I guess it's true to some extent that you can never be 100% sure your significant other is being truly honest with you all the time, but that's where the trust comes in. It's true that honesty and trust go hand-in-hand. I was open and honest with Eric about my past, all closet-hidden skeletons and all, from the very beginning. And so was he. And now, yearly one year later, I can proudly say I have never once lied to him, and that i believe with all my heart that he has never lied to me. It is the most rewarding feeling (other than being a mommy) to wake up and go to bed next to him each day, and feel totally free.
Of course we're not perfect; we argue and disagree like any normal couple, but it's how we deal with things that makes me think we can beat the 50% divorce rate statistic. I always feel crazy when I say this, but I almost enjoy our arguments. Not the arguing per say, but the closeness I feel to Eric once we have worked through something together. With every argument comes opportunity; it allows us to see how the other deals with certain situations, and to respond appropriately. It allows us to be vulnerable when realizing you were proven wrong, and mature for being able to admit that wrong. It allows us to kiss and make up, and bring us even closer than we were before.
Eric is indeed my support, but I also feel like I gain strength from our relationship. I think we have the key ingredients to a solid marriage: we are always wanting to better not only ourselves, but each other. We are bringing each other up in life, share the same aspirations, and just have this unconditional love and acceptance of each other.
I always ask him, "people who end up divorced must have felt the same way we do when they decided to get married. What changed? How do we know that won't happen to us?"...it's a scary thought. The one answer we always have is simply to never give up. We feel that in a divorced couple, one person may have wanted to fight for their marriage, while the other simply no longer had the desire to put up their gloves. Eric and I are constantly talking about never giving up. Marriage is forever, for better or for worse. No matter what comes our way, we leave ourselves no choice but to work through it, together, no matter how hard it may be. And all of this, wrapped into 3 little words, is why I'm getting married: I feel ready.
Getting pregnant at 19 and being a mother by 20 was a door-slam on the party life style and a giant HELLO to maturity, responsibility, and adulthood. I was ready to say goodbye to the nights spent over a toilet bowl, and hello to a different type of all nighter. I suppose it was the same feeling of readiness for marriage.
Although I do feel that having a baby young prepared me to be wed earlier than the average person, it's certainly not the reason I am marrying. Eric was my 5th relationship lasting over one year. And after being in that many relationships I felt confident in knowing what I needed out of my next relationship and also, what I was able to give. One of the first things I told Eric was that I was a mother first and foremost, and that this may have prevented me from giving as much as I would like, or as much as he was used to receiving in the past. Luckily, I was able to find a healthy balance between Mommy and girlfriend. The more time Eric and I spent together, the more we learned what we were able to bring to the relationship and what we were able to take from it; the mixture was perfect.
People tend to roll their eyes when I tell them that the glue that binds us together is our honesty with each other. The general response is usually "...as far as you know". And I guess it's true to some extent that you can never be 100% sure your significant other is being truly honest with you all the time, but that's where the trust comes in. It's true that honesty and trust go hand-in-hand. I was open and honest with Eric about my past, all closet-hidden skeletons and all, from the very beginning. And so was he. And now, yearly one year later, I can proudly say I have never once lied to him, and that i believe with all my heart that he has never lied to me. It is the most rewarding feeling (other than being a mommy) to wake up and go to bed next to him each day, and feel totally free.
Of course we're not perfect; we argue and disagree like any normal couple, but it's how we deal with things that makes me think we can beat the 50% divorce rate statistic. I always feel crazy when I say this, but I almost enjoy our arguments. Not the arguing per say, but the closeness I feel to Eric once we have worked through something together. With every argument comes opportunity; it allows us to see how the other deals with certain situations, and to respond appropriately. It allows us to be vulnerable when realizing you were proven wrong, and mature for being able to admit that wrong. It allows us to kiss and make up, and bring us even closer than we were before.
Eric is indeed my support, but I also feel like I gain strength from our relationship. I think we have the key ingredients to a solid marriage: we are always wanting to better not only ourselves, but each other. We are bringing each other up in life, share the same aspirations, and just have this unconditional love and acceptance of each other.
I always ask him, "people who end up divorced must have felt the same way we do when they decided to get married. What changed? How do we know that won't happen to us?"...it's a scary thought. The one answer we always have is simply to never give up. We feel that in a divorced couple, one person may have wanted to fight for their marriage, while the other simply no longer had the desire to put up their gloves. Eric and I are constantly talking about never giving up. Marriage is forever, for better or for worse. No matter what comes our way, we leave ourselves no choice but to work through it, together, no matter how hard it may be. And all of this, wrapped into 3 little words, is why I'm getting married: I feel ready.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Mixed Feelings
The shock factor certainly has not worn off yet. I've been a blur of emotions, teeter tottering between confused, sad, angry, and oddly enough - happy. Ben and I have had several previous arguments where he would complain about the hardships of being a parent; paying child support, driving for visitation, how she never stops crying for him. I finally reached a breaking point and said that thing I'm not supposed to say: the low blow; I told him that he is more than welcome to give up his rights if being a parent was "too much" for him, and that all of his parenting hard ships would disappear. I just never in a million years thought he would actually do it. And now that he has firmly stated that this is his ultimate decision, I now have a brain filled with questions and fears, endlessly spinning.
If his motive for doing this is to save a quick buck, I'm not sure if that's exactly how it will go down. From what I understand, the court has to agree to Ben giving up his rights, including child support payments. And, the only way for this to happen is for A) Eric to adopt Lyla, or B) for us to be financially stable without the added income of child support. Ben is aware of the fact that Eric would indeed adopt Lyla, but he is not aware that if he is still forced to pay, we will put the adoption on hold and simply make Eric a legal guardian once married. Now, my fear in all of this is that if and when Ben learns he still has to pay, that he'll think "Oh, well in that case, nevermind. I'll still be Lyla's dad and see her, I might as well if I'm forced to pay" ...this thought fills me with pure hatred. And knowing how Ben puts money first in the past, this is a very good possibility.
The anger in me feels that if at any point in time he was willing to give up his daughter forever, he doesn't deserve to have her in his life. It's even more unfair that the judge could very well rule in his favor; nothing is set in stone until he legally signs her over to me, and without that signiture, she is still his, and he still has rights to see her. This, I hate. My plan? I plan to barter with Ben. Offer to pick up her health insurance and to take less child support, and in return, I want permission to change her last name once Eric and I are married, and I never want him to have the right to visitation ever again. This may sound harsh, but after a year of thinking that Ben being in Lyla's life was the best thing for her, I've finally put my foot down and am admitting that it's not. He doesn't deserve the honor of her having his last name. Eric and I will be married in September, and hope to have children of our own. We plan to raise Lyla and our children together as a family, and I think that all members of this family should share the same last name. This is probably more important to me than the option of Eric adopting Lyla; he is a wonderful father figure and will be the best step dad; a new birth certificate and signed piece of paper will make no difference in how he raises her. But the name? That's very important to me. And as far as Ben not having legal rights to see Lyla again, he deserves that. He was willing to give her up entirely when he thought it would save him a quick buck so if he's going to have to pay, but less, he should feel no different.
As much as his decision was hard to take, as the days go on I find myself more at peace with what the future will hold without Ben in our lives. No more verbal abuse, no shared holidays, no long drives for visitation, no split parenting. It will just be Lyla, Mommy, and "Ekka", as she calls him; we are her family, and we will be the best one for her.
As for Ben, I hope that as this decision sets in, and as time goes on, he will stop putting the blame on me, and truly realize that this is what is best for his child. Parenting isn't for everyone, and it's certainly anything but easy, especially when you're doing it alone. He's decision is only one he can make; not a lawyer, not a family member, not a friend, not even I can force this decision on him. I hope one day he can realize that as hard as it is to admit, that he really just wasn't the best parent, and that although tough, he made the best decision for her.
Eric had asked me the other night, "what gives him the right to even have more kids someday?", and I didn't know how to answer. But I guess, the only thing I can hope is that he learns from all of this. I hope when if he does choose to have more children that he will know what it entials, and be prepared. No child deserves to go through what Lyla has with her biological father. I'm just so lucky that she's still young, and will never remember all the back and forth, all the court visits, all the tears shed. She'll simply know that she has a caring, loving, happy family with Eric and I, and we will never give up on her.
If his motive for doing this is to save a quick buck, I'm not sure if that's exactly how it will go down. From what I understand, the court has to agree to Ben giving up his rights, including child support payments. And, the only way for this to happen is for A) Eric to adopt Lyla, or B) for us to be financially stable without the added income of child support. Ben is aware of the fact that Eric would indeed adopt Lyla, but he is not aware that if he is still forced to pay, we will put the adoption on hold and simply make Eric a legal guardian once married. Now, my fear in all of this is that if and when Ben learns he still has to pay, that he'll think "Oh, well in that case, nevermind. I'll still be Lyla's dad and see her, I might as well if I'm forced to pay" ...this thought fills me with pure hatred. And knowing how Ben puts money first in the past, this is a very good possibility.
The anger in me feels that if at any point in time he was willing to give up his daughter forever, he doesn't deserve to have her in his life. It's even more unfair that the judge could very well rule in his favor; nothing is set in stone until he legally signs her over to me, and without that signiture, she is still his, and he still has rights to see her. This, I hate. My plan? I plan to barter with Ben. Offer to pick up her health insurance and to take less child support, and in return, I want permission to change her last name once Eric and I are married, and I never want him to have the right to visitation ever again. This may sound harsh, but after a year of thinking that Ben being in Lyla's life was the best thing for her, I've finally put my foot down and am admitting that it's not. He doesn't deserve the honor of her having his last name. Eric and I will be married in September, and hope to have children of our own. We plan to raise Lyla and our children together as a family, and I think that all members of this family should share the same last name. This is probably more important to me than the option of Eric adopting Lyla; he is a wonderful father figure and will be the best step dad; a new birth certificate and signed piece of paper will make no difference in how he raises her. But the name? That's very important to me. And as far as Ben not having legal rights to see Lyla again, he deserves that. He was willing to give her up entirely when he thought it would save him a quick buck so if he's going to have to pay, but less, he should feel no different.
As much as his decision was hard to take, as the days go on I find myself more at peace with what the future will hold without Ben in our lives. No more verbal abuse, no shared holidays, no long drives for visitation, no split parenting. It will just be Lyla, Mommy, and "Ekka", as she calls him; we are her family, and we will be the best one for her.
As for Ben, I hope that as this decision sets in, and as time goes on, he will stop putting the blame on me, and truly realize that this is what is best for his child. Parenting isn't for everyone, and it's certainly anything but easy, especially when you're doing it alone. He's decision is only one he can make; not a lawyer, not a family member, not a friend, not even I can force this decision on him. I hope one day he can realize that as hard as it is to admit, that he really just wasn't the best parent, and that although tough, he made the best decision for her.
Eric had asked me the other night, "what gives him the right to even have more kids someday?", and I didn't know how to answer. But I guess, the only thing I can hope is that he learns from all of this. I hope when if he does choose to have more children that he will know what it entials, and be prepared. No child deserves to go through what Lyla has with her biological father. I'm just so lucky that she's still young, and will never remember all the back and forth, all the court visits, all the tears shed. She'll simply know that she has a caring, loving, happy family with Eric and I, and we will never give up on her.
Monday, June 27, 2011
The end of "Baby Daddy Drama"
Yesterday, I received an email from Ben, Lyla's father, stating that he would be signing her over to me. I broke into tears immediately. As much as this decision would make my life so much easier without the hastle of court, visitation, and splitting everything for the rest of our lives, all I could think of was how? Just HOW can you give up on her?
A little background...
Ben and I live over an hour away from each other. And to be fair, we would share driving on visitation days by meeting in a town that was just about mid-way between us. Ben's visitation days were a mess, because he had 2 different days off from work each week, making a stable schedule impossible. So, at our most recent court visit, he was ordered to call or email me his work schedule one week in advance. This would give me significant time to plan ahead for driving, as well as potentially book massage clients or get things done that are much easier without Lyla with me. However, even with constant reminders from me, Ben was not keeping up with his end of the court order, and never once let me know a week in advance. My lawyer said that I did not have to allow the visitation, but I did not want to stand in the way of him seeing her. So, I made the decision to allow the visitation, as long as he was fully responsible for the commute. Ben was not happy about this, and refused to see her on days where he would be making the full drive. And after 8 visitation days went by and no phone call or email was made from Ben with his schedule, my lawyer made the decision to have Ben be 100% responsible for driving from that point on. In his opinion, Ben was not doing me any favors, so why should I accomodate him? Not to mention, Ben had a pretty easy task of simply making a phone call.
3 weeks went by without any contact from him. I even called to let him know Lyla was developing what we thought was chicken pox, and he never showed any concern. At this point, I feared the day where he would call and want to see her, because Lyla rarely did well with him; he saw her so infrequently that he was nearly a stranger to her. But again, I wouldn't stand in the way of his visitation, and would allow it. I think that's what scared me the most. But instead of a call for visitation, I got an "I'm giving up" email.
His explanation was ridiculous; He said that it was me he never wanted to see again, not Lyla, and that this was the only way to do that. He blamed me, yet again, for never letting him see her (when, again, he could have made the drive anytime he pleased). He asked me why I turned his little girl against him. He even went so far to say that I used him for a child and a place to live for a year; this one, I just had to laugh at. My opinion? These are all excuses. And there's not one that justifies you giving up the rights to your child. No matter what I could say or do to him should never prevent him from having a relationship with his own daughter.
Never once have I spoken poorly about Ben to Lyla.
Never once have I prevented him from seeing her.
His head is filled with all these thoughts and accusations that are not true. And his mind ran wild with these ideas, far enough that he would give up seeing her completely to save himself some hastle and money.
On the bright side, Lyla will be better off without a father like this in her life. I do worry, however, about the day she asks about him. How do I explain that her father just didn't want her? That it was too hard for him? That it cost him too much money? How do you explain these things to a child? Hopefully, the wonderful job Eric, my fiance, is doing raising her with me will show her that she doesn't need her biological father in her life.
We used to joke that he was just a sperm donor, but now, he made the choice to be just that.
A little background...
Ben and I live over an hour away from each other. And to be fair, we would share driving on visitation days by meeting in a town that was just about mid-way between us. Ben's visitation days were a mess, because he had 2 different days off from work each week, making a stable schedule impossible. So, at our most recent court visit, he was ordered to call or email me his work schedule one week in advance. This would give me significant time to plan ahead for driving, as well as potentially book massage clients or get things done that are much easier without Lyla with me. However, even with constant reminders from me, Ben was not keeping up with his end of the court order, and never once let me know a week in advance. My lawyer said that I did not have to allow the visitation, but I did not want to stand in the way of him seeing her. So, I made the decision to allow the visitation, as long as he was fully responsible for the commute. Ben was not happy about this, and refused to see her on days where he would be making the full drive. And after 8 visitation days went by and no phone call or email was made from Ben with his schedule, my lawyer made the decision to have Ben be 100% responsible for driving from that point on. In his opinion, Ben was not doing me any favors, so why should I accomodate him? Not to mention, Ben had a pretty easy task of simply making a phone call.
3 weeks went by without any contact from him. I even called to let him know Lyla was developing what we thought was chicken pox, and he never showed any concern. At this point, I feared the day where he would call and want to see her, because Lyla rarely did well with him; he saw her so infrequently that he was nearly a stranger to her. But again, I wouldn't stand in the way of his visitation, and would allow it. I think that's what scared me the most. But instead of a call for visitation, I got an "I'm giving up" email.
His explanation was ridiculous; He said that it was me he never wanted to see again, not Lyla, and that this was the only way to do that. He blamed me, yet again, for never letting him see her (when, again, he could have made the drive anytime he pleased). He asked me why I turned his little girl against him. He even went so far to say that I used him for a child and a place to live for a year; this one, I just had to laugh at. My opinion? These are all excuses. And there's not one that justifies you giving up the rights to your child. No matter what I could say or do to him should never prevent him from having a relationship with his own daughter.
Never once have I spoken poorly about Ben to Lyla.
Never once have I prevented him from seeing her.
His head is filled with all these thoughts and accusations that are not true. And his mind ran wild with these ideas, far enough that he would give up seeing her completely to save himself some hastle and money.
On the bright side, Lyla will be better off without a father like this in her life. I do worry, however, about the day she asks about him. How do I explain that her father just didn't want her? That it was too hard for him? That it cost him too much money? How do you explain these things to a child? Hopefully, the wonderful job Eric, my fiance, is doing raising her with me will show her that she doesn't need her biological father in her life.
We used to joke that he was just a sperm donor, but now, he made the choice to be just that.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Chapter 3
I couldn't believe the feeling that spending time with Eric gave me. I couldn't help but question if my original fear was speaking true; did he just seem perfect compared to Ben? Only time would tell, and all I could do was be cautious and know that this was possible.
But months went by, little drinking was involved, and my feelings for this man were continuously growing. Again, the polar opposite of my experience with Ben. But oh, the way Eric made me laugh. The way he held my hand when we're driving. And especially, the way he treated Lyla. As time went on, I stopped comparing him to Ben, and just enjoyed who he was; someone who cared about me very much, and did a wonderful job showing it.
I began to feel so corny when I was around him, or even thinking of him. I would do this lame little dance anytime my phone showed a text from him. I would smile when I could relate to those lovey-dovey lyrics in songs. I could feel it in my toes when we kissed. All the cliche, totally lame, totally corny feelings you see in movies and hear about it songs, I was experiencing. And there was no better feeling. Until one thing from my experience with Ben repeated itself; I got pregnant.
Now was the time for answers: This time, are the feelings real? This time, do I want to actually be with this man? This time, was it meant to be?
The only thing that settled my mind about this unplanned pregnancy, was that the answer THIS TIME to all of these questions, was yes. This was a pregnancy caused from a broken condom, and the morning after pill. And although I was panicked about not only having children 23 months apart, but having to tell people yet again that I was pregnant in a new relationship, I was at least at peace knowing that I loved the man I was having this baby with. We then had to really evaluate our feelings for each other, and the plans for our future. We talked about getting married, but were not looking to rush into anything just because we were having a baby. We tentatively talked about April of 2012.
We chose to tell our parents, siblings, and few close friends right away, and wait to tell anyone else until we needed to. Good thing, because 5 weeks into the pregnancy, we lost the baby. The morning after pill caused me to have an ectopic pregnancy, where the fertilized egg gets stuck in the fallopian tube. It ruptured, caused my abdomen to fill with blood, and I had to have emergency surgery to remove both my ruptured fallopian tube, and what would have been our baby.
Although unplanned, the loss of our unborn baby was devistating to us both. Eric was wonderful in comforting me during this both physical and emotionally painful time, and I did my best to comfort him as well. As my stitches dissolved and belly deflated, we continued to talk about the plans for our future. We were serious about wanting to get married; this was made even more clear after we lost the baby, because at that point, there was no pressure to stay together...just our own love and free will. Let me tell you, that old saying of "when you know, you know", is definitely a real thing. I had never been so sure of anything in my life. So, when Eric went to my dad's to ask his permission and receive the ring my grandmother had left for me, and when he slipped that same ring on the 4th finger of my left hand, I said yes, and meant it with all my heart.
But months went by, little drinking was involved, and my feelings for this man were continuously growing. Again, the polar opposite of my experience with Ben. But oh, the way Eric made me laugh. The way he held my hand when we're driving. And especially, the way he treated Lyla. As time went on, I stopped comparing him to Ben, and just enjoyed who he was; someone who cared about me very much, and did a wonderful job showing it.
I began to feel so corny when I was around him, or even thinking of him. I would do this lame little dance anytime my phone showed a text from him. I would smile when I could relate to those lovey-dovey lyrics in songs. I could feel it in my toes when we kissed. All the cliche, totally lame, totally corny feelings you see in movies and hear about it songs, I was experiencing. And there was no better feeling. Until one thing from my experience with Ben repeated itself; I got pregnant.
Now was the time for answers: This time, are the feelings real? This time, do I want to actually be with this man? This time, was it meant to be?
The only thing that settled my mind about this unplanned pregnancy, was that the answer THIS TIME to all of these questions, was yes. This was a pregnancy caused from a broken condom, and the morning after pill. And although I was panicked about not only having children 23 months apart, but having to tell people yet again that I was pregnant in a new relationship, I was at least at peace knowing that I loved the man I was having this baby with. We then had to really evaluate our feelings for each other, and the plans for our future. We talked about getting married, but were not looking to rush into anything just because we were having a baby. We tentatively talked about April of 2012.
We chose to tell our parents, siblings, and few close friends right away, and wait to tell anyone else until we needed to. Good thing, because 5 weeks into the pregnancy, we lost the baby. The morning after pill caused me to have an ectopic pregnancy, where the fertilized egg gets stuck in the fallopian tube. It ruptured, caused my abdomen to fill with blood, and I had to have emergency surgery to remove both my ruptured fallopian tube, and what would have been our baby.
Although unplanned, the loss of our unborn baby was devistating to us both. Eric was wonderful in comforting me during this both physical and emotionally painful time, and I did my best to comfort him as well. As my stitches dissolved and belly deflated, we continued to talk about the plans for our future. We were serious about wanting to get married; this was made even more clear after we lost the baby, because at that point, there was no pressure to stay together...just our own love and free will. Let me tell you, that old saying of "when you know, you know", is definitely a real thing. I had never been so sure of anything in my life. So, when Eric went to my dad's to ask his permission and receive the ring my grandmother had left for me, and when he slipped that same ring on the 4th finger of my left hand, I said yes, and meant it with all my heart.
Chapter 2
After leaving Ben, I noticed an immediate change in myself. Despite the new stresses of living under my mother's roof and rules, the never ending accusations coming from Ben, and going from being totally supported financially to making it on my own, I was happy. I felt strong for working up the courage to admit that I was unhappy, and for leaving. The term "weight off your shoulders" never had more significance; I LITERALLY felt lighter. All around, I just felt BETTER. I found an inner peace with this revealed truth, and being honest with my friends, family, and self just felt so good. What made this truely rewarding was the effect I saw it have on my 10 month old daughter.
With my head now clear, I could focus more on Lyla. I found a great deal of patience along with this new inner peace, which I dare say made being a single parents much easier than an unhappy cohabiting one. Lyla smiled more, ate better, and even began sleeping through the night. She had her mommy back, and I was all hers.
I did, however, have a plan for dating. For once, I would not go looking for Mr. Right, or anyone for that matter. I had this long elaborate plan of dating several people over the course of the next few years, going on at least 100 dates with someone before I dare called them my boyfriend, and only then would I even dream of being intimate with that person. I wanted to be sure that the next person I devoted any of my precious time with would be "the one", because when you are a 21 year old single mom who just moved in with your mother, you have a new set of priorities. But, with dating pushed to the back of my head, Lyla was right in front. And then Eric came over.
Eric and I met, at the time, just over 3 years ago at a club in Providence. We had exchanged numbers, but with both of us in and out of relationships, we found it hard to ever have the chance to hang out, and so we kept in touch via instant messenger and facebook. I had talked to Eric about thoughts of leaving Ben when I was still living with him, and Eric actually encouraged me to stay. However, that didn't happen. What did happen was an opportunity for us to finally hang out, since neither of us were in relationships. I told him how my daughter was my first priority, and that although I wasn't opposed to hanging out, I didn't want anything more. So, we had chatted about getting together to run; I figured this would be something healthy we could do together as friends. Well, that didn't go as planned either.
Eric came over for the first time on the 4th of July. I made sure it was after Lyla was in bed, since I hardly found it appropriate to be introducing her to someone even I barely knew. My mother stayed home and listened for the baby monitor, while Eric and I walked up to the neighborhood playground and sat on the swings. I told him my plan to date a few people before I settle on just one. I told him about the 100-date rule. I also told him about my fear; I felt SO unhappy when I was with Ben, that I feared anyone who came along would seem perfect after that. But it turns out, Eric was pretty perfect. And after a few weekend hang outs and a trip to Maine with my mom, Eric shot my 100-date rule to shit when I said yes to being his girlfriend.
With my head now clear, I could focus more on Lyla. I found a great deal of patience along with this new inner peace, which I dare say made being a single parents much easier than an unhappy cohabiting one. Lyla smiled more, ate better, and even began sleeping through the night. She had her mommy back, and I was all hers.
I did, however, have a plan for dating. For once, I would not go looking for Mr. Right, or anyone for that matter. I had this long elaborate plan of dating several people over the course of the next few years, going on at least 100 dates with someone before I dare called them my boyfriend, and only then would I even dream of being intimate with that person. I wanted to be sure that the next person I devoted any of my precious time with would be "the one", because when you are a 21 year old single mom who just moved in with your mother, you have a new set of priorities. But, with dating pushed to the back of my head, Lyla was right in front. And then Eric came over.
Eric and I met, at the time, just over 3 years ago at a club in Providence. We had exchanged numbers, but with both of us in and out of relationships, we found it hard to ever have the chance to hang out, and so we kept in touch via instant messenger and facebook. I had talked to Eric about thoughts of leaving Ben when I was still living with him, and Eric actually encouraged me to stay. However, that didn't happen. What did happen was an opportunity for us to finally hang out, since neither of us were in relationships. I told him how my daughter was my first priority, and that although I wasn't opposed to hanging out, I didn't want anything more. So, we had chatted about getting together to run; I figured this would be something healthy we could do together as friends. Well, that didn't go as planned either.
Eric came over for the first time on the 4th of July. I made sure it was after Lyla was in bed, since I hardly found it appropriate to be introducing her to someone even I barely knew. My mother stayed home and listened for the baby monitor, while Eric and I walked up to the neighborhood playground and sat on the swings. I told him my plan to date a few people before I settle on just one. I told him about the 100-date rule. I also told him about my fear; I felt SO unhappy when I was with Ben, that I feared anyone who came along would seem perfect after that. But it turns out, Eric was pretty perfect. And after a few weekend hang outs and a trip to Maine with my mom, Eric shot my 100-date rule to shit when I said yes to being his girlfriend.
The Story To Begin It All...
About 3 years ago, newly heartbroken Lauren signed up for a dating website sponsored by facebook. The goal was never to actually meet someone, but to make myself aware of the fact that there were other fish in the sea. So, day after day I would log onto this site, and listen to the flood of compliments from guys half way across the country. And even though I didn't know these people, and they certainly didn't know me, it definitely lessened the blow of my recent break up. I started to think to myself, Hey, these guys seem really nice, and I'd have no chance of meeting someone 3,000 miles away, so, I limited my search to MA. And then I met Ben.
I don't think I really cared about anything at that point but creating this image of myself, happy and uneffected by the breakup. I wanted everyone to think I was fine, and the only way I knew how to appear that way was to be in another relationship. What better way to prove you're over someone, right? So after nearly 3 months of ineternet and phone chats, I took a co-worker along and made the trip to meet Ben and his family.
This was a period of time I like to refer to as "party Lauren".
The night was filled with drinking games, shot-taking, cigarette smoking, and unwise decisions. It seemed like such a good time (translation: escape), I decided to make this trip with my co-worker several times. I really started to convince myself that I liked this Ben guy, even though every hang out was anything but sober.
2 weeks later when I missed my period, reality set in.
Then when those 2 pink lines showed up on the test that Thanksgiving, it set in even more.
Now I REALLY had to sell the "Lauren is so happy" show. Tickets anyone? I spent months talking so highly of Ben, and our relationship, and how this must be meant to be, even though inside I was burning with fear because once the alcohol wore off, I slowly realized that there wasn't all that much I liked about the father of my future child. But I had a show to do. I tossed out the "L" word, we moved in together, and we had our beautiful baby girl, Lyla. At this point, it was no longer about the show, since the hurt from my breakup was long gone, and the love for my child was growing by the minute. I wanted my child's parents together so badly, that I too began to believe I was happy. I would look around at all the other couples who had problems, and I would think I was so lucky.
It took me a while to realize that I had to constantly compare my relationship to abusive ones, or dead-beat-dad ones, or the broken ones, just for me to feel happy. I slowly came to terms with the fact that I don't belong with Ben, and that I had been leading everyone, including myself, on. But now came the fear of leaving. I thought of Lyla having to split birthdays and holidays for the rest of her life. I thought of her not seeing her daddy everyday. I thought of me having to move back in with my mom or dad. So many negative thoughts went through my head that for the longest time I just pushed them away, and telling myself it was impossible. I remember actually wishing that Ben would hit me because it would give me a reason to leave. That's when I really knew I had to get out; I wanted him to hurt me? Just to be able to leave? I was stronger than that. So, after 19 months of "dating", I left.
He was confused, as I expected him to be; he was a main role in my play. The difference was that I was the one doing all the acting. He accused me of cheating and giving up, which was expected, but the truth was plain and simple; I was not happy. And although there were many things I did not like about Ben, I could not change who he was and I don't blame who he was, he was just not the one for me.
I don't think I really cared about anything at that point but creating this image of myself, happy and uneffected by the breakup. I wanted everyone to think I was fine, and the only way I knew how to appear that way was to be in another relationship. What better way to prove you're over someone, right? So after nearly 3 months of ineternet and phone chats, I took a co-worker along and made the trip to meet Ben and his family.
This was a period of time I like to refer to as "party Lauren".
The night was filled with drinking games, shot-taking, cigarette smoking, and unwise decisions. It seemed like such a good time (translation: escape), I decided to make this trip with my co-worker several times. I really started to convince myself that I liked this Ben guy, even though every hang out was anything but sober.
2 weeks later when I missed my period, reality set in.
Then when those 2 pink lines showed up on the test that Thanksgiving, it set in even more.
Now I REALLY had to sell the "Lauren is so happy" show. Tickets anyone? I spent months talking so highly of Ben, and our relationship, and how this must be meant to be, even though inside I was burning with fear because once the alcohol wore off, I slowly realized that there wasn't all that much I liked about the father of my future child. But I had a show to do. I tossed out the "L" word, we moved in together, and we had our beautiful baby girl, Lyla. At this point, it was no longer about the show, since the hurt from my breakup was long gone, and the love for my child was growing by the minute. I wanted my child's parents together so badly, that I too began to believe I was happy. I would look around at all the other couples who had problems, and I would think I was so lucky.
It took me a while to realize that I had to constantly compare my relationship to abusive ones, or dead-beat-dad ones, or the broken ones, just for me to feel happy. I slowly came to terms with the fact that I don't belong with Ben, and that I had been leading everyone, including myself, on. But now came the fear of leaving. I thought of Lyla having to split birthdays and holidays for the rest of her life. I thought of her not seeing her daddy everyday. I thought of me having to move back in with my mom or dad. So many negative thoughts went through my head that for the longest time I just pushed them away, and telling myself it was impossible. I remember actually wishing that Ben would hit me because it would give me a reason to leave. That's when I really knew I had to get out; I wanted him to hurt me? Just to be able to leave? I was stronger than that. So, after 19 months of "dating", I left.
He was confused, as I expected him to be; he was a main role in my play. The difference was that I was the one doing all the acting. He accused me of cheating and giving up, which was expected, but the truth was plain and simple; I was not happy. And although there were many things I did not like about Ben, I could not change who he was and I don't blame who he was, he was just not the one for me.
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