Most people associate eating disorders with those who look sickly skinny, or extremely overweight. I am neither of these, but have struggled with food for years.
Starting back in high school, I can remember developing a love for food - especially sweets. I had a rather large sweet tooth that I had no problem satisfying. However, that satisfaction was short lived when the guilt would set in. I would either cause myself to get sick shortly after, or restrict my eating for the rest of the day. Generally, I hate to "psychologize" things, but I feel okay admitting that maybe some of this was attention seeking; my parents were divorcing, I was in my first young-love relationship, and I was an immature teenager who liked attention. Either way, it was something I struggled with for years.
Once I became more athletic, I was able to better control my eating habits. I justified desserts and any other treats I allowed myself by making sure I ate healthy meals, and exercised regularly. It wasn't until after I had Hannah and began calorie counting that a different problem came about: binge eating.
Running while breastfeeding can cause you to lose your milk supply if you are not consuming the calories you burned, and this is what brought about my need for counting calories. Each day I would log all the foods I ate, along with any exercise I took part in. You would think this would keep me on track and feeling good about my eating habits, but it actually caused me to develop a pretty unhealthy mindset. I became obsessive about everything I ate, to the point where I was measuring out the exact amount of olive oil I drizzled on my salad.
On days where I would run double-digit mileage and "had" to eat an extra thousand calories, I was forcing myself to eat when I wasn't hungry. On days that I didn't exercise, I may have been craving a perfectly healthy snack, like almonds, but since they are so calorie dense, I couldn't "afford" to eat them, based on that days meal plan. This would cause me to find an alternative snacks that never satisfied my craving. I believe that your body craves things for a reason, like needing iron if you crave red meat, so when I paid more attention to my calorie intake rather than what my body was telling me, I was failing already. I would eat snack after snack, trying to fill up but stay within my budget, and this just simply never worked. I always ended up going over my calories in the end, sometimes by several hundred, just because I was stubborn and refused to have that one handful of almonds in the first place.
Food became nothing but a number to me. Bananas? 100. Almonds? 160. Chicken breast? 150. I wasn't enjoying food anymore. Even when I made the healthiest, tastiest meals, I knew the exact number I was eating. I also felt very restricted by this number, which I feel is part of my newly developed over-eating habits. If I wanted some chocolate after dinner, but didn't "plan" for it, I would either not have any, and fall right back into the never-satisfied snacking. Or, I would eat it, see that number put me over my budget, and think "well, I'm already over anyway, might as well have an extra glass of wine and maybe more chocolate, and ooh, maybe I'll make some kettle corn, too."
This always resulted in extreme guilt which lead me to be super strict with the following days food, and pushed me into a nice long, hard work out in an attempt to burn off some of what I ate. The cycle never left me feeling good about myself, despite it never affecting my weight.
After my experience with this increased, I decided to put an end to the calorie counting, and really zone into my bodies needs. I needed to develop a new relationship with food. I needed to listen to my body, not my iPhone's calorie app.
Everything I eat is clean, healthy food. It was ridiculous to restrict myself the way that I was, especially when I am not trying to lose or manage my weight. Now, I simply focus on eating. When I'm hungry, I eat. If I want dessert, I have it. If I'm craving a snack, I give in. I didn't realize how crippling the whole calorie counting thing was until I stopped. I don't feel pressured to stick to a certain number, I don't feel the need to spiral out of control if I eat one extra thing, and I can actually enjoy my food.
Sharing these struggles with my husband seemed to surprise him, since he thinks I am possibly the healthiest eater he's met. But it just goes to show you that even athletic, healthy people can still struggle with food. I am the perfect example.
It's a learning process, and I'm hoping that the more I tune into my body, I can only become healthier and happier - and I'm quite okay with both of those outcomes :)
