Most people associate eating disorders with those who look sickly skinny, or extremely overweight. I am neither of these, but have struggled with food for years.
Starting back in high school, I can remember developing a love for food - especially sweets. I had a rather large sweet tooth that I had no problem satisfying. However, that satisfaction was short lived when the guilt would set in. I would either cause myself to get sick shortly after, or restrict my eating for the rest of the day. Generally, I hate to "psychologize" things, but I feel okay admitting that maybe some of this was attention seeking; my parents were divorcing, I was in my first young-love relationship, and I was an immature teenager who liked attention. Either way, it was something I struggled with for years.
Once I became more athletic, I was able to better control my eating habits. I justified desserts and any other treats I allowed myself by making sure I ate healthy meals, and exercised regularly. It wasn't until after I had Hannah and began calorie counting that a different problem came about: binge eating.
Running while breastfeeding can cause you to lose your milk supply if you are not consuming the calories you burned, and this is what brought about my need for counting calories. Each day I would log all the foods I ate, along with any exercise I took part in. You would think this would keep me on track and feeling good about my eating habits, but it actually caused me to develop a pretty unhealthy mindset. I became obsessive about everything I ate, to the point where I was measuring out the exact amount of olive oil I drizzled on my salad.
On days where I would run double-digit mileage and "had" to eat an extra thousand calories, I was forcing myself to eat when I wasn't hungry. On days that I didn't exercise, I may have been craving a perfectly healthy snack, like almonds, but since they are so calorie dense, I couldn't "afford" to eat them, based on that days meal plan. This would cause me to find an alternative snacks that never satisfied my craving. I believe that your body craves things for a reason, like needing iron if you crave red meat, so when I paid more attention to my calorie intake rather than what my body was telling me, I was failing already. I would eat snack after snack, trying to fill up but stay within my budget, and this just simply never worked. I always ended up going over my calories in the end, sometimes by several hundred, just because I was stubborn and refused to have that one handful of almonds in the first place.
Food became nothing but a number to me. Bananas? 100. Almonds? 160. Chicken breast? 150. I wasn't enjoying food anymore. Even when I made the healthiest, tastiest meals, I knew the exact number I was eating. I also felt very restricted by this number, which I feel is part of my newly developed over-eating habits. If I wanted some chocolate after dinner, but didn't "plan" for it, I would either not have any, and fall right back into the never-satisfied snacking. Or, I would eat it, see that number put me over my budget, and think "well, I'm already over anyway, might as well have an extra glass of wine and maybe more chocolate, and ooh, maybe I'll make some kettle corn, too."
This always resulted in extreme guilt which lead me to be super strict with the following days food, and pushed me into a nice long, hard work out in an attempt to burn off some of what I ate. The cycle never left me feeling good about myself, despite it never affecting my weight.
After my experience with this increased, I decided to put an end to the calorie counting, and really zone into my bodies needs. I needed to develop a new relationship with food. I needed to listen to my body, not my iPhone's calorie app.
Everything I eat is clean, healthy food. It was ridiculous to restrict myself the way that I was, especially when I am not trying to lose or manage my weight. Now, I simply focus on eating. When I'm hungry, I eat. If I want dessert, I have it. If I'm craving a snack, I give in. I didn't realize how crippling the whole calorie counting thing was until I stopped. I don't feel pressured to stick to a certain number, I don't feel the need to spiral out of control if I eat one extra thing, and I can actually enjoy my food.
Sharing these struggles with my husband seemed to surprise him, since he thinks I am possibly the healthiest eater he's met. But it just goes to show you that even athletic, healthy people can still struggle with food. I am the perfect example.
It's a learning process, and I'm hoping that the more I tune into my body, I can only become healthier and happier - and I'm quite okay with both of those outcomes :)
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Monday, July 22, 2013
Divorce
As a happily married woman, it may come as a surprise that I am not necessarily against divorce. My husband and I are surrounded by it within our families, and if anything, it drives us to communicate and grow together even more - however, it has also shown me just what can lead to the demise of a relationship, and has taught me that I may not be a believer of "together forever no matter what".
Lets go back to dating. Different relationships reveal concrete things that you like, love, and hate. We use these things to move from person to person in hopes to find more of the likes and loves, and less of the hate. Once this happens, congratulations! It's your cliché moment of finding "the one". I believe there are lots of different elements that makes this the right person for you; how you are treated, the support you receive, the love they show, common interests, loyalty - to name a few generics.
In the successful marriage, the couple changes and grows together, not apart. But what happens when one or two of the major elements, the ones that sparked your love for this person in the first place, changes for the worse? Or what happens if one spouse's maturity alters appropriately with life's changes, such as the addition of children, and the other does not? And then there are the more serious scenarios, such as becoming unfaithful or abusive. What then?
Of course, the idea of marriage is to work through anything and everything - together. But the one thing in life you get to be selfish about your own happiness. If one person in the marriage has given up, stopped supporting, treated you poorly, and headed in a totally different direction (never mind raising a hand to their spouse) - I can't say I sit here and agree that the willing spouse should stay in that marriage, totally miserable, just because "it's for better or worse". You can only be the best person you can be - for your husband, your kids, and most importantly, yourself - if you are happy. As much as I'd hate (and have hated) to see a marriage fall apart, I've also seen the happiness and growth that can consequently follow a divorce as well.
Fight your ass off for your love and marriage, but when all options have been exhausted, wave your white flag. Get happy.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
This has been written in thanks for those who have had the strength to fight, but even more strength to move on and bring peace and happiness to their families and own lives. And also for anyone struggling <3
Eric and I are in the very beginning of our forever-journey together, and I can only hope that's exactly what it turns out to be. I am thankful for our daily happiness, and for the communication and growth we share together. I am also thankful for past relationships to have guided me to know exactly what I deserved, and for mistakes we have witnessed and hope to learn from. Divorce is a scary word when you are happily married, but it does exist. Our gloves are up.
Lets go back to dating. Different relationships reveal concrete things that you like, love, and hate. We use these things to move from person to person in hopes to find more of the likes and loves, and less of the hate. Once this happens, congratulations! It's your cliché moment of finding "the one". I believe there are lots of different elements that makes this the right person for you; how you are treated, the support you receive, the love they show, common interests, loyalty - to name a few generics.
In the successful marriage, the couple changes and grows together, not apart. But what happens when one or two of the major elements, the ones that sparked your love for this person in the first place, changes for the worse? Or what happens if one spouse's maturity alters appropriately with life's changes, such as the addition of children, and the other does not? And then there are the more serious scenarios, such as becoming unfaithful or abusive. What then?
Of course, the idea of marriage is to work through anything and everything - together. But the one thing in life you get to be selfish about your own happiness. If one person in the marriage has given up, stopped supporting, treated you poorly, and headed in a totally different direction (never mind raising a hand to their spouse) - I can't say I sit here and agree that the willing spouse should stay in that marriage, totally miserable, just because "it's for better or worse". You can only be the best person you can be - for your husband, your kids, and most importantly, yourself - if you are happy. As much as I'd hate (and have hated) to see a marriage fall apart, I've also seen the happiness and growth that can consequently follow a divorce as well.
Fight your ass off for your love and marriage, but when all options have been exhausted, wave your white flag. Get happy.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
This has been written in thanks for those who have had the strength to fight, but even more strength to move on and bring peace and happiness to their families and own lives. And also for anyone struggling <3
Eric and I are in the very beginning of our forever-journey together, and I can only hope that's exactly what it turns out to be. I am thankful for our daily happiness, and for the communication and growth we share together. I am also thankful for past relationships to have guided me to know exactly what I deserved, and for mistakes we have witnessed and hope to learn from. Divorce is a scary word when you are happily married, but it does exist. Our gloves are up.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Making Friends - Awkward!
When I first moved to Fairhaven, the only people I knew were my husband's family. I was 21 with an 18 month old, and struggled to make friends of my own. Everyone my age had a very active social life filled with bar hopping and drug dabbling - neither of which I could partake in my situation. My fiancé (at the time) and his mother would talk to friends and pretty much set up "dates" for me - appreciated, but awkward. Before I moved, I had lived in Worcester my entire life. I grew up with the same group of friends, that naturally morphed into more friends as we transitioned through school. Now, in my 20s and in a new town for the first time ever, I realized just how strange the concept of making friends as an adult really is - especially in my case.
Ideally, I wanted to friend people my age, but since their typical day was likely not spent at a playground or watching Mickey Mouse Club House, I would tend to seek out other mothers - and since the majority of them didn't have their first child at age 20, they were generally older than me. I set up play-dates with mothers I would meet at the local gym, library, or playgrounds, and faked my way through small talk while our little ones ran around together. These moms are what my husband and I refer to as "fake friends"; someone you get together with not because you necessarily want to, but because it's better than nothing, and was beneficial to your child. However, as time went on and I became more involved with the community, Eric's friends, and exercising, I developed some real friends - who I liked and hung out with regardless of their age, marital status, or number of children.
As a young(er) adult, I was primarily friends with guys. But making new guy friends as a married, adult women is next to impossible. I had thought about approaching guys at the gym and seeking out running partners or even a married/taken guy to double date with - but how do you even go about that? If some guy came up to me in the gym - married or not - and asked me about going for a run, there's no way I wouldn't think I was being hit on. And then there's another issue: play dates with other kids - and their dads. You think this would be a "safe-zone"; someone who is married, looking for friendship for themselves and playmates for their kids - just like me! But when I asked my husband about his comfort with this potential situation, I was surprised to hear that it's not something he'd be cool with. However, when he asked me to flip-flop the situation and think of him having play dates with some woman and her kids who I didn't know, I had to admit I wasn't comfortable with the idea, either.
So how the hell do you make more friends when most people your age are in a totally different stage in their lives, and you don't want to cross any lines of inappropriateness with your spouse? I suppose this is one of the reasons I was eager to get a part-time job: at least there is hope for co-workers you will like!
Making friends; such a strange concept.
Ideally, I wanted to friend people my age, but since their typical day was likely not spent at a playground or watching Mickey Mouse Club House, I would tend to seek out other mothers - and since the majority of them didn't have their first child at age 20, they were generally older than me. I set up play-dates with mothers I would meet at the local gym, library, or playgrounds, and faked my way through small talk while our little ones ran around together. These moms are what my husband and I refer to as "fake friends"; someone you get together with not because you necessarily want to, but because it's better than nothing, and was beneficial to your child. However, as time went on and I became more involved with the community, Eric's friends, and exercising, I developed some real friends - who I liked and hung out with regardless of their age, marital status, or number of children.
As a young(er) adult, I was primarily friends with guys. But making new guy friends as a married, adult women is next to impossible. I had thought about approaching guys at the gym and seeking out running partners or even a married/taken guy to double date with - but how do you even go about that? If some guy came up to me in the gym - married or not - and asked me about going for a run, there's no way I wouldn't think I was being hit on. And then there's another issue: play dates with other kids - and their dads. You think this would be a "safe-zone"; someone who is married, looking for friendship for themselves and playmates for their kids - just like me! But when I asked my husband about his comfort with this potential situation, I was surprised to hear that it's not something he'd be cool with. However, when he asked me to flip-flop the situation and think of him having play dates with some woman and her kids who I didn't know, I had to admit I wasn't comfortable with the idea, either.
So how the hell do you make more friends when most people your age are in a totally different stage in their lives, and you don't want to cross any lines of inappropriateness with your spouse? I suppose this is one of the reasons I was eager to get a part-time job: at least there is hope for co-workers you will like!
Making friends; such a strange concept.
Making It Work
Marriage is all about making it work. Anything that is thrown your way, you're in it for better or for worse, and the only thing you can do is work through it - together. Eric's new job has certainly been a true test for us.
With the 10 week training academy complete, I thought we'd be able to settle into a more manageable schedule once Eric was given his work location and schedule. We were thrilled to find out that he was placed in the county closest to our home, which cut his commute by two-thirds. To add to the excitement, I had decided I was ready to pick up a part time job; I was excited to take the first small step towards a long awaited career in health and fitness, and looked forward to getting out each week. As much as I love my girls and full-time job as a SAHM, I feel I need this time for myself, the interaction with other adults, and the extra money would just be a bonus. As Eric entered his first week of work, we were aware that the first few weeks were considered a "training" period, and that his schedule was likely to change. We struggled to adjust, but managed. After all, it would just be a few short weeks of this all-over-the-place shift change.
Psych.
The day after I sent out applications and resumes to every massage, health, and gym atmosphere Google could find me, Eric let me know that for the next 6 months his schedule would be changing weekly - with only one weeks notice beforehand. This went for his days off as well, leaving my ability to work unrealistic.
I was unbelievably bummed, and for the first time in over a year, extremely homesick. Knowing what an amazing support system I have back home - from family and friends who could help with the girls, to more job opportunities - made me feel totally stuck in the situation we're in; two young kids, in-laws who work full time, friends who work full time, a husband with an endlessly changing schedule...
This sucks.
But it's not just about me. It sucks for my husband too. One week he is on 2nd shift - getting in late and woken up early, and the next on 1st, where he barely sees the girls. Planning anything is next to impossible. And on top of it all, it's only been a few weeks and he's already had several late night calls for over-time.
We're both struggling, and need each other more than ever. We can't afford to turn this into a battle about who this is harder on, who is more tired, who works harder...it wouldn't solve anything, it wouldn't change our situation, and it certainly wouldn't help us get through it. Instead, we simply make it work. We acknowledge how we feel, but support the other. He comes home from work and knows I need help with the girls. I know he needs his down time. We both need our time to exercise. And so, we are supportive - it's a simple as that.
We make it work because we have to, but more importantly, because we want to. And it's the little things that make a huge difference; he spends time with the girls while I exercise and I'll prepare his lunch for the following day while he relaxes. Marriage is give and take; we find time for our own needs and respect those of the other. It may be a hectic time in our lives, but I have to remember that it is temporary. Soon enough, our schedule will settle down, I will be able to work, and we can finally have a reliable routine. Until then, I have no choice but to keep my head up and make the best of what we have.
Not to mention, if we survived a month of Lauren-couldn't-run-off-her-stress, everything else should be cake ;)
With the 10 week training academy complete, I thought we'd be able to settle into a more manageable schedule once Eric was given his work location and schedule. We were thrilled to find out that he was placed in the county closest to our home, which cut his commute by two-thirds. To add to the excitement, I had decided I was ready to pick up a part time job; I was excited to take the first small step towards a long awaited career in health and fitness, and looked forward to getting out each week. As much as I love my girls and full-time job as a SAHM, I feel I need this time for myself, the interaction with other adults, and the extra money would just be a bonus. As Eric entered his first week of work, we were aware that the first few weeks were considered a "training" period, and that his schedule was likely to change. We struggled to adjust, but managed. After all, it would just be a few short weeks of this all-over-the-place shift change.
Psych.
The day after I sent out applications and resumes to every massage, health, and gym atmosphere Google could find me, Eric let me know that for the next 6 months his schedule would be changing weekly - with only one weeks notice beforehand. This went for his days off as well, leaving my ability to work unrealistic.
I was unbelievably bummed, and for the first time in over a year, extremely homesick. Knowing what an amazing support system I have back home - from family and friends who could help with the girls, to more job opportunities - made me feel totally stuck in the situation we're in; two young kids, in-laws who work full time, friends who work full time, a husband with an endlessly changing schedule...
This sucks.
But it's not just about me. It sucks for my husband too. One week he is on 2nd shift - getting in late and woken up early, and the next on 1st, where he barely sees the girls. Planning anything is next to impossible. And on top of it all, it's only been a few weeks and he's already had several late night calls for over-time.
We're both struggling, and need each other more than ever. We can't afford to turn this into a battle about who this is harder on, who is more tired, who works harder...it wouldn't solve anything, it wouldn't change our situation, and it certainly wouldn't help us get through it. Instead, we simply make it work. We acknowledge how we feel, but support the other. He comes home from work and knows I need help with the girls. I know he needs his down time. We both need our time to exercise. And so, we are supportive - it's a simple as that.
We make it work because we have to, but more importantly, because we want to. And it's the little things that make a huge difference; he spends time with the girls while I exercise and I'll prepare his lunch for the following day while he relaxes. Marriage is give and take; we find time for our own needs and respect those of the other. It may be a hectic time in our lives, but I have to remember that it is temporary. Soon enough, our schedule will settle down, I will be able to work, and we can finally have a reliable routine. Until then, I have no choice but to keep my head up and make the best of what we have.
Not to mention, if we survived a month of Lauren-couldn't-run-off-her-stress, everything else should be cake ;)
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Stupid Foot
"Oh God" the young doctor (inappropriately?) said to me as he flexed my big toe with one hand and held his palm over my foot with the other. Great. "This is insane", he continued. Finally, he cut to the chase: severe tendinitis. From my big toe all the way up to my ankle and into part of my shin. Apparently, you could "feel" it. After the x-ray confirmed there were no cracks or fractures, I immediately ask about the half. The last 4 months of training is flashing through my head. "But what if I wake up next Sunday morning and feel fabulous?? Can I run??" ...I am begging. He could tell that if there was even the slightest improvement in my foot in the next 8 days, I'd be in that race.
Home with instructions to pump myself full of ibuprofen and rest/ice/elevate whenever possible, I had a decision to make. Up until this morning, I seriously debating running - pain or no pain. What's the worst that could happen? It's not a stress fracture so my foot won't break. It's already spread as far as it could. I'd rather run the half and take whatever time off afterwards to allow my foot to heal. However, the one thing the doctor did say is that he believes the inflammation was so severe that it would become unbearable and prevent me from finishing. Those words, along with the support of Eric and my dad, guided me to bag the half and take this time to allow my foot to fully heal. I've never been more disappointed. It really sucks to have worked so hard for something, taking time away from my husband and kids, and not be able to complete my goal. But on the other hand, it was amazing being able to see how far I could push my body.
Having fractured my hip in high school cross country and being told by my PT that anything over 6 miles would cause a re-fracture, completing over 11 miles in training is an accomplishment in itself. I pushed my body to its limits; giving my all in both my speed/distance work outs and cross training. I carb loaded before and protein-boosted after. I stretched and foam rolled until I swore I was inches taller. All this training won't be put to waste, since I hope to complete a half this spring. But as for this Sunday, I'll have to cheer on my dad and my husband - who took my place in the race.
Stupid, stupid foot!
Home with instructions to pump myself full of ibuprofen and rest/ice/elevate whenever possible, I had a decision to make. Up until this morning, I seriously debating running - pain or no pain. What's the worst that could happen? It's not a stress fracture so my foot won't break. It's already spread as far as it could. I'd rather run the half and take whatever time off afterwards to allow my foot to heal. However, the one thing the doctor did say is that he believes the inflammation was so severe that it would become unbearable and prevent me from finishing. Those words, along with the support of Eric and my dad, guided me to bag the half and take this time to allow my foot to fully heal. I've never been more disappointed. It really sucks to have worked so hard for something, taking time away from my husband and kids, and not be able to complete my goal. But on the other hand, it was amazing being able to see how far I could push my body.
Having fractured my hip in high school cross country and being told by my PT that anything over 6 miles would cause a re-fracture, completing over 11 miles in training is an accomplishment in itself. I pushed my body to its limits; giving my all in both my speed/distance work outs and cross training. I carb loaded before and protein-boosted after. I stretched and foam rolled until I swore I was inches taller. All this training won't be put to waste, since I hope to complete a half this spring. But as for this Sunday, I'll have to cheer on my dad and my husband - who took my place in the race.
Stupid, stupid foot!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
My Food Struggle
Thanks to my share-all approach to social networking, it's no secret that I eat pretty darn healthy. It's also been made known that I breast feed and have an extremely limited diet because of it. My problem is that I absolutely love food. I actually enjoy having to plan out each meal, because thinking of strange but healthy concoctions to make is just fun. Unfortunately, most of the items on my "allowed to eat" list don't leave me very full, and I struggle trying to fill the void appropriately.
Because I have been racking up my running mileage, I've started keeping track of the calories I burn while exercising, and also the calories I eat throughout the day. This is because if I don't eat up to 500 extra calories a day, my milk supply would not only be lacking in nutrition, but also has the possibility of drying up. And as excited as I am about this half marathon I'm training for, nursing my baby is my number one priority right now, and so, every calorie I burn, I have to eat back - and then some.
What I hate is how much research I've done. There is a different opinion on everything, and if I could I would go back to just eating when I'm hungry and not worry about the protein-carb-fat contents. One specialist suggests eating more protein at snacks and meals to help keep you fuller longer, and another claims that the body stores extra protein as fat. Nuts have all sorts of mixed opinions; some say you can eat up to 500 calories in nuts per day before it starts to effect your weight because of their "good" fats and the way your body metabolizes and uses them, and others say to never eat more than a serving size because of their high calorie and fat content. WHAT'S A GIRL ON A LIMITED DIET TO DO? Fruits and veggies simply don't always cut it, if I eat too much protein it will allegedly turn to chub, and my serious addiction to almonds make it impossible to stick to the miniscule serving size of 1/4 cup.
Luckily as a runner, carbs are - and need to be - a huge part of my diet. Unfortunately for me, most of the carbs I love (cereal, bread, english muffins, bagels) contain milk or soy ingredients. Whole wheat pasta is still a-go, and I keep trying to find new recipes involving rolled oats, quinoa, and brown rice.
I'm stuck in such a catch-22. I need to eat enough calories to produce adequate nutrition for Hannah, but I'm so wildly limited in what I can eat. If I eat enough proteins and fats to fill me up and help rack up my calorie count, I'm getting about 3x what my body needs. If I somehow manage to fill my calorie void with fruits, veggies and whole grains, I feel starving. Other days I feel just fine but will have 600 calories to eat before bed, and basically force myself to eat when I'm not even hungry. I try to eat the same things every day, both to make sure I'm eating things that won't upset Hannah, but also to help my body adjust to such an extreme diet; but where my activity changes daily, so does my appetite.
But, with that said, and in an attempt to get back to my usual positive outlook - it's all temporary. She'll only nurse for about 5 more months, and this is all a small price to pay for what's best for my baby. 7 down, 5 to go. It's worth the struggle and effort to be able to run - something I love... and use to keep my sanity ;)
Because I have been racking up my running mileage, I've started keeping track of the calories I burn while exercising, and also the calories I eat throughout the day. This is because if I don't eat up to 500 extra calories a day, my milk supply would not only be lacking in nutrition, but also has the possibility of drying up. And as excited as I am about this half marathon I'm training for, nursing my baby is my number one priority right now, and so, every calorie I burn, I have to eat back - and then some.
What I hate is how much research I've done. There is a different opinion on everything, and if I could I would go back to just eating when I'm hungry and not worry about the protein-carb-fat contents. One specialist suggests eating more protein at snacks and meals to help keep you fuller longer, and another claims that the body stores extra protein as fat. Nuts have all sorts of mixed opinions; some say you can eat up to 500 calories in nuts per day before it starts to effect your weight because of their "good" fats and the way your body metabolizes and uses them, and others say to never eat more than a serving size because of their high calorie and fat content. WHAT'S A GIRL ON A LIMITED DIET TO DO? Fruits and veggies simply don't always cut it, if I eat too much protein it will allegedly turn to chub, and my serious addiction to almonds make it impossible to stick to the miniscule serving size of 1/4 cup.
Luckily as a runner, carbs are - and need to be - a huge part of my diet. Unfortunately for me, most of the carbs I love (cereal, bread, english muffins, bagels) contain milk or soy ingredients. Whole wheat pasta is still a-go, and I keep trying to find new recipes involving rolled oats, quinoa, and brown rice.
I'm stuck in such a catch-22. I need to eat enough calories to produce adequate nutrition for Hannah, but I'm so wildly limited in what I can eat. If I eat enough proteins and fats to fill me up and help rack up my calorie count, I'm getting about 3x what my body needs. If I somehow manage to fill my calorie void with fruits, veggies and whole grains, I feel starving. Other days I feel just fine but will have 600 calories to eat before bed, and basically force myself to eat when I'm not even hungry. I try to eat the same things every day, both to make sure I'm eating things that won't upset Hannah, but also to help my body adjust to such an extreme diet; but where my activity changes daily, so does my appetite.
But, with that said, and in an attempt to get back to my usual positive outlook - it's all temporary. She'll only nurse for about 5 more months, and this is all a small price to pay for what's best for my baby. 7 down, 5 to go. It's worth the struggle and effort to be able to run - something I love... and use to keep my sanity ;)
Monday, January 14, 2013
The "Gotta Do It" Attitude
Attitude is everything - a saying that I've heard countless times from countless sources, but oh how true it is. You truly are in full control of your mind, and it's funny how a change of attitude can completely alter your outlook.
Nearly 3 years ago when I began realizing how unhappy I was with Lyla's father, the thought of leaving plagued my mind with nothing but negative thoughts. "I'll have to move back home" "I'll have to do it all on my own" - these thoughts kept me there longer than I wanted to be. Until one day it just clicked - "I gotta do it" I told myself. From that day forward, that's exactly what I did - moved forward and just did what I had to do. I never sulked in how much more difficult things may have temporarily been, because this was my decision and I simply had to do what I had to do.
Fast forward 3 years when my husband is changing careers, and I'm put back into a similar mindset situation. When Eric began the application process to become a CO, I pretty much put the thought on the back burner, knowing that it took months - even up to a year - for the process to be completed. As paperwork and tests slowly but surely were checked off the list, reality started to come into play. I was totally and utterly negative about the whole thing. Knowing he'd be low on the totem pole, working nights and weekends, and commuting at least 30 minutes each way daily, SUCKED. It was hard to think of having our nightly family dinners and time together after the girls were in bed, come to an end.
An end of the year budget put a temporary freeze on the hiring, and we didn't know how long it would last. But then Eric got the call that he had been accepted into the academy. The excitement in his voice was infectious. I knew right then and there I had to stop thinking of myself, thinking of what would be harder, and simply be a supportive wife, and change my attitude. This change became much easier when we found out his academy would be second shift, allowing time for my exercise in the morning (no more headlamp night runs!), and having Eric home with us for 2 meals instead of 1, even if he would miss dinner. I also focused on the extra time I could have with Lyla after Hannah was in bed - time that was preciously mine and Eric's before, that I could now put to use giving Lyla a little TLC; reading books, chatting in bed, or watching a show. And, for the first time since Hannah has been born, this schedule will buy me back a little "me" time. I can go to bed at 7pm with my kids if I want, and not feel guilty about missing out on time with hubby, I can pick up a book for the first time in months, watch a movie, or simply catch up on stuff around the apartment that I never seem to get to. You don't realize how precious time is until you have kids, and even more so once you have two. It may seem like these are small things to get excited about, but it's enough to fuel a positive mindset to create my own happiness and be there for my husband.
So yes, dinner-bath-bed time are mine to tackle alone, and the endless task of getting Hannah to bed, and back to bed, and back to bed again, are mine as well. But I'm up to the challenge, and that same empowering feeling I had 3 years ago... I just gotta do it.
Nearly 3 years ago when I began realizing how unhappy I was with Lyla's father, the thought of leaving plagued my mind with nothing but negative thoughts. "I'll have to move back home" "I'll have to do it all on my own" - these thoughts kept me there longer than I wanted to be. Until one day it just clicked - "I gotta do it" I told myself. From that day forward, that's exactly what I did - moved forward and just did what I had to do. I never sulked in how much more difficult things may have temporarily been, because this was my decision and I simply had to do what I had to do.
Fast forward 3 years when my husband is changing careers, and I'm put back into a similar mindset situation. When Eric began the application process to become a CO, I pretty much put the thought on the back burner, knowing that it took months - even up to a year - for the process to be completed. As paperwork and tests slowly but surely were checked off the list, reality started to come into play. I was totally and utterly negative about the whole thing. Knowing he'd be low on the totem pole, working nights and weekends, and commuting at least 30 minutes each way daily, SUCKED. It was hard to think of having our nightly family dinners and time together after the girls were in bed, come to an end.
An end of the year budget put a temporary freeze on the hiring, and we didn't know how long it would last. But then Eric got the call that he had been accepted into the academy. The excitement in his voice was infectious. I knew right then and there I had to stop thinking of myself, thinking of what would be harder, and simply be a supportive wife, and change my attitude. This change became much easier when we found out his academy would be second shift, allowing time for my exercise in the morning (no more headlamp night runs!), and having Eric home with us for 2 meals instead of 1, even if he would miss dinner. I also focused on the extra time I could have with Lyla after Hannah was in bed - time that was preciously mine and Eric's before, that I could now put to use giving Lyla a little TLC; reading books, chatting in bed, or watching a show. And, for the first time since Hannah has been born, this schedule will buy me back a little "me" time. I can go to bed at 7pm with my kids if I want, and not feel guilty about missing out on time with hubby, I can pick up a book for the first time in months, watch a movie, or simply catch up on stuff around the apartment that I never seem to get to. You don't realize how precious time is until you have kids, and even more so once you have two. It may seem like these are small things to get excited about, but it's enough to fuel a positive mindset to create my own happiness and be there for my husband.
So yes, dinner-bath-bed time are mine to tackle alone, and the endless task of getting Hannah to bed, and back to bed, and back to bed again, are mine as well. But I'm up to the challenge, and that same empowering feeling I had 3 years ago... I just gotta do it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)