One thing I absolutely cannot stand is a selfish person. I think I have such a limited group of really good friends because a friendship, much like a relationship, takes effort. And why put in effort for someone who isn't worth your time or doesn't show any interest in you?
I have had the same best friend my whole life - literally; all (nearly) 23 years of it. And my other close friends I have known since our early teen years. What makes our friendships flourish is our effort to stay in each others lives, and also, to show an interest. If a friend has been sick, I want to make sure they are feeling better. If they enter a new relationship or end an old one, I want all the details. And what's better is that I know the questions will be returned. These friends contact me regularly about my daughter, marriage, pregnancy, you name it. And sure, these are all facts they can gather on their own with the wonderful world of the social media, and my tell-all approach to it, so it's comforting that they make the extra phone call or visit to catch up on things I'm sure they've read about.
I've recently noticed how many people had been in my life because I was the only one making the effort. I made the plans, I asked the questions, I held the friendship together. So, after our wedding, I put some serious thought into not only who I care enough about to keep in our new lives, but who cared enough about us to be in them. Needless to say, I've lost contact with several people who I thought I needed, and have felt no change whatsoever. My small group of friends still remains strong, and all I need.
I'm a ridiculously friendly person; always saying hi, always showing an interest in others lives, always smiling - so when I go about my norm, and don't even get an "and how are you?" in return, I just realize how much of my energy I just wasted on pretending I was interested in what this person has been up to. I guess because of how friendly I am, I don't understand how someone can sit there and talk about themselves for quite some time, and never even give the other person the time of day. Who doesn't love to talk about themselves? Most people, especially girls, do. But it takes a back-n-forth conversation to sustain a true friendship.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Breaks My Heart
Lately, out of no where, Lyla has often been asking about her father. She'll say things like "Eric is my step daddy, but where's my daddy?" Although I reply with a very nonchalant "Your daddy is just at work", it makes me more sad than you know.
May 17th will be one year since Lyla has seen her dad, and I can't help but think of how unfortunate that is - mainly for him. Think of all he has missed. Sometimes when I go to the gym for an hour, Eric will have taught her something new while I was gone and I am sad to have missed that, let alone a whole year of learning, development, and love. I also feel sad for Lyla that someone can up and walk out of her life like that. I'm just glad it happened when she was so young. However, because Ben and I still currently have shared legal custody, he has the ability to walk back in at any ol' time. Because of this, I feel that it is my job to not shut out the idea of "daddy" completely.
He's still in her baby books, which for months I debated on whether or not to remove them. We've gone through them in the past few months in preparation for baby Hannah, so I can show Lyla how little she used to be, and how much she's grown. But for now, I left pictures of Ben inside so that if he does decide to come walking back in, she has some idea of what he looks like, who he is, and that he used to be around. It doesn't seem to bother her, though, because when she comes across his picture, she'll just happily state "and that's my daddy" and move on to naming other people and things inside the book. Lyla was shy of 2 when she last saw him, and lucky for that, she has no real understanding of what his absence really means. Even though it doesn't make her sad, it really breaks my heart to hear her ask about him, and just know that he exists and doesn't see her. I feel even more guilty now because he recently lost his job, so now when I tell Lyla he's at work, I'm lying.
It's not my job to take out my anger with him on the subject with Lyla. It's my job as her mother to protect her, and that doesn't involve making negative remarks about her father infront of her. I never carry on a conversation about him, but when he is brought up, I just handle it calmly and change the subject. Everyone asks us if we have her call Eric "daddy", and we don't. I've always said that it is her decision; Eric is not her biological father, but he is her dad in the sense that he lives with us, helps raise her, and loves her as if she were his own blood. Even if Ben never comes back in, Lyla will never be without a father figure. And if she decides to join the band wagon after Hannah arrives and call Eric "daddy", then it's her choice. If she calls him Eric for the rest of her life, than that's okay too.
As any mother would say, I just want what's best for my little girl. I want her to be raised well, knowing right from wrong, protect her from what I can, and give her endless amounts of love. Knowing someone can walk out on someone so precious is a painful thought, but it only makes me thrive to be the best mother I can be, knowing (or feeling like) I have some void in her to fill on my own.
May 17th will be one year since Lyla has seen her dad, and I can't help but think of how unfortunate that is - mainly for him. Think of all he has missed. Sometimes when I go to the gym for an hour, Eric will have taught her something new while I was gone and I am sad to have missed that, let alone a whole year of learning, development, and love. I also feel sad for Lyla that someone can up and walk out of her life like that. I'm just glad it happened when she was so young. However, because Ben and I still currently have shared legal custody, he has the ability to walk back in at any ol' time. Because of this, I feel that it is my job to not shut out the idea of "daddy" completely.
He's still in her baby books, which for months I debated on whether or not to remove them. We've gone through them in the past few months in preparation for baby Hannah, so I can show Lyla how little she used to be, and how much she's grown. But for now, I left pictures of Ben inside so that if he does decide to come walking back in, she has some idea of what he looks like, who he is, and that he used to be around. It doesn't seem to bother her, though, because when she comes across his picture, she'll just happily state "and that's my daddy" and move on to naming other people and things inside the book. Lyla was shy of 2 when she last saw him, and lucky for that, she has no real understanding of what his absence really means. Even though it doesn't make her sad, it really breaks my heart to hear her ask about him, and just know that he exists and doesn't see her. I feel even more guilty now because he recently lost his job, so now when I tell Lyla he's at work, I'm lying.
It's not my job to take out my anger with him on the subject with Lyla. It's my job as her mother to protect her, and that doesn't involve making negative remarks about her father infront of her. I never carry on a conversation about him, but when he is brought up, I just handle it calmly and change the subject. Everyone asks us if we have her call Eric "daddy", and we don't. I've always said that it is her decision; Eric is not her biological father, but he is her dad in the sense that he lives with us, helps raise her, and loves her as if she were his own blood. Even if Ben never comes back in, Lyla will never be without a father figure. And if she decides to join the band wagon after Hannah arrives and call Eric "daddy", then it's her choice. If she calls him Eric for the rest of her life, than that's okay too.
As any mother would say, I just want what's best for my little girl. I want her to be raised well, knowing right from wrong, protect her from what I can, and give her endless amounts of love. Knowing someone can walk out on someone so precious is a painful thought, but it only makes me thrive to be the best mother I can be, knowing (or feeling like) I have some void in her to fill on my own.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Establishing "us" time before baby
Recently, I've realized how little I feel like I see my husband. He gets home from work, I (sometimes) go to the gym, one of us makes dinner while the other entertains Lyla, we juggle bath, story, and bedtime, and by the time our big girl is asleep, we turn into blobs on the couch. Sure, we'd have a few hours together after Lyla's bed time...if we could stay awake. "What an old married couple we are" we always joke. Although our routine works, and allows us to spend shared time with Lyla, I began to realize just how much more tired we'll be after the arrival of our baby girl, and how much less time we'll have together. I wanted to put an end to this as much as possible so we can get into a better routine of togetherness before these 5 weeks until d-day fly by.
The thing we do daily is catch up with each other's day over dinner. Lyla shares her favorite part of her day with Eric who has been at work, and Eric shares his work out and work day with me. I'll ramble about the crafts Lyla and I did that day, or something funny/frustrating that occurred. It's the one time we're all sitting together, with no distractions, and can connect as a family. I always grew up having family dinners, and it's something I plan to make a staple in our household, too.
Dinner time has always been our time together, but we needed more. With us both being so exhausted at nighttime - with Eric waking at 4am for the gym and me being nearly 9 months pregnant & chasing my toddler around all day - it's difficult for us to not want to snuggle under a fuzzy blanket with the DVR and fall asleep by 9pm. But I miss my husband! So we agreed that at least once a week, we would have a game night (talk about old married couple!) We also agreed that at least once a month we would have a kids-free date night, where we would go out to dinner, go bowling, sit at the bar with a few drinks...something just the two of us. We're lucky to have so many willing friends and family to babysit - hopefully that sticks once we add a newborn to the mix ;)
I love our marriage because we have the ability to talk about & through anything. Now more than ever I am looking forward to the arrival of our baby girl, especially knowing that Eric and I will be making a genuine effort to spend more time together, on top of juggling our busy schedules. It's not going to be easy, but it's a life we signed up for and, most importantly, a life we love.
The thing we do daily is catch up with each other's day over dinner. Lyla shares her favorite part of her day with Eric who has been at work, and Eric shares his work out and work day with me. I'll ramble about the crafts Lyla and I did that day, or something funny/frustrating that occurred. It's the one time we're all sitting together, with no distractions, and can connect as a family. I always grew up having family dinners, and it's something I plan to make a staple in our household, too.
Dinner time has always been our time together, but we needed more. With us both being so exhausted at nighttime - with Eric waking at 4am for the gym and me being nearly 9 months pregnant & chasing my toddler around all day - it's difficult for us to not want to snuggle under a fuzzy blanket with the DVR and fall asleep by 9pm. But I miss my husband! So we agreed that at least once a week, we would have a game night (talk about old married couple!) We also agreed that at least once a month we would have a kids-free date night, where we would go out to dinner, go bowling, sit at the bar with a few drinks...something just the two of us. We're lucky to have so many willing friends and family to babysit - hopefully that sticks once we add a newborn to the mix ;)
I love our marriage because we have the ability to talk about & through anything. Now more than ever I am looking forward to the arrival of our baby girl, especially knowing that Eric and I will be making a genuine effort to spend more time together, on top of juggling our busy schedules. It's not going to be easy, but it's a life we signed up for and, most importantly, a life we love.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
You Look Foolish
Every chapter that I read in "I do, Now what?" by Giuliana & Bill Rancic has not only been inspiring, but reassuring to my own marriage. One Chapter in particular stuck out yesterday, because it was something I couldn't agree more with, but also something that I see often in relationships, not just marriage: You should never publicly put down or talk poorly about your partner.
The chapter discusses some solid points about what happens when you share negative things about your significant other with friends, family, or the worst, in my opinon - the social networking systems. When you blast your guy or gal for the public to read, not only does it build negative thoughts on this person for your friends and family, but it also makes you look foolish for choosing to be with them. No one wants to see someone they care about get hurt, let down, or be disrespected, so it can be difficult for loved ones to read such posts and sympathize staying in the relationship when you're making it so obvious that you deserve better. Not to mention, most of these social outbursts are posted on impulse, and are likely resolved before your friends and family even have time to react. Then, the next day you're tweeting or posting on their walls about how much you love them. Heart heart, kiss kiss. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a relationship quarrel through the social network, get loads of "back up" from their friends, and then act as if the whole thing never happened with new posts of kissy-face pictures and updates soon after.
In my opinion, it's immature. A phone call to your mother or close friend to help talk through a tough situation is one thing, but putting something so personal on something so public, just says "attention seeking" to me. No couple is perfect, but you'd never see me trashing my husband for the world to see just because we had an argument. Marriage is sacred, for better or worse, and when we took our vows on September 10th, we vowed to work through things together, no matter how big, small, or difficult. I don't need people I talk to once every few months chiming in on my Facebook page to tell their opinions, or that they're on my side. The only person I want to talk to about my marriage is the person I'm married to - it's no one else's business. I think this should apply to those just dating, too. What is working through an argument or problem via the social networking systems really going to solve? Nothing, but making you look foolish, giving your friends and family the wrong impression of the offender, and lots of confused faces when you flip the switch the next day.
The chapter discusses some solid points about what happens when you share negative things about your significant other with friends, family, or the worst, in my opinon - the social networking systems. When you blast your guy or gal for the public to read, not only does it build negative thoughts on this person for your friends and family, but it also makes you look foolish for choosing to be with them. No one wants to see someone they care about get hurt, let down, or be disrespected, so it can be difficult for loved ones to read such posts and sympathize staying in the relationship when you're making it so obvious that you deserve better. Not to mention, most of these social outbursts are posted on impulse, and are likely resolved before your friends and family even have time to react. Then, the next day you're tweeting or posting on their walls about how much you love them. Heart heart, kiss kiss. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a relationship quarrel through the social network, get loads of "back up" from their friends, and then act as if the whole thing never happened with new posts of kissy-face pictures and updates soon after.
In my opinion, it's immature. A phone call to your mother or close friend to help talk through a tough situation is one thing, but putting something so personal on something so public, just says "attention seeking" to me. No couple is perfect, but you'd never see me trashing my husband for the world to see just because we had an argument. Marriage is sacred, for better or worse, and when we took our vows on September 10th, we vowed to work through things together, no matter how big, small, or difficult. I don't need people I talk to once every few months chiming in on my Facebook page to tell their opinions, or that they're on my side. The only person I want to talk to about my marriage is the person I'm married to - it's no one else's business. I think this should apply to those just dating, too. What is working through an argument or problem via the social networking systems really going to solve? Nothing, but making you look foolish, giving your friends and family the wrong impression of the offender, and lots of confused faces when you flip the switch the next day.
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