The Little Things

Before Eric I had 3 or 4 "serious" relationships, and now having been married for almost a year, the biggest difference I see in my relationship with Eric in comparison to the others comes from the smallest things; things as easy as being nice to each other, and being thoughtful. We definitely have our moments, or days, where we feel tired or stressed and will be a bit more testy, but after being together for 2 years, married for nearly 1, and having two kids to raise, our ability to remain kind to one another truly amazes me at times.

Eric never stops surprising me. Sometimes I'll be dealing with both kids and assume he is on the couch on his phone or laptop, and without even really knowing, I'll get an attitude towards him; only to go into the kitchen to find that the dishes are being put away and the oven pre-heated for dinner. It takes little moments like this for me to step back and scold myself for assuming anything else. It also makes me gush over how appreciative and lucky I feel to have a husband who is such a great help. There are mornings where I want to scream because his breakfast dishes are sitting in the sink, and others where I went to bed with a sink-full of dinner dishes and wake up with them washed and put away. It may be a small gesture, but when I wake up with him gone off to work, and the dishes are done, it's as if he left me a dozen roses; just taking a few moments out of his morning to make my day a little easier, and show me that he was thinking of me. And when he's home from work, if there's ever a time that I'm sitting down with my feet up, he'll grab them and give them a rub. Even just for a few minutes, but it's so thoughtful and feels amazing after rocking a newborn and chasing a toddler all day.

I try and return the favor to the best of my mother & wife abilities; I'll have the baby fed (or bottle made) when he's home from work so she won't scream for him when I go for my daily run, I'll have his work and gym clothes for the following day washed and put away, I'll have a dinner plan waiting, and if I have any ounce of energy left once the girls are asleep - I'll give him a back massage. Each thing small, but they're thoughtful and make his day just a bit easier.

I know I often blog about how happy I am and how lucky I feel - but it's true, and I find that these little gestures towards each other make for a happy foundation in our marriage. I told Eric the other day that it means more for him to help me fold the laundry than it would if he brought home flowers or chocolate from work. Although, you can never go wrong with chocolate, either ;)

Honesty

I attended a wedding with my mom and dad for a family friend when I was younger, and as with most weddings there was a fair share of alcoholic beverages being served throughout the reception. At this age, I began to realize that alcohol wasn't a good thing, and became very concerned with when and how much my parents drank. I asked my mom how many glasses of wines she had, and she gave me her usual "2 glasses" response. But when I asked my dad, I'll never forget that instead of lying or ignoring the question, he put down his beer and held up 6 fingers. I'll never forget how I felt that moment - I felt respected because I knew my father was being honest with me. There wasn't even a hint of anger at the fact that he was more than likely intoxicated after those 6 beers, because at that point all that mattered to me was his honesty. 

I tell this story often when honesty comes up in conversation, and I'll never forget how good it made me feel to have been told the truth - and how terrible it feels to be lied to. Lyla's father lied to me often, from where he was going to smoking cigarettes. It was the worst feeling, and I felt myself often sneaking around checking his phone, facebook, or peeking through the curtain when he took the trash out. I hated it, and often hated what I found even more. What's worse, is that even when he was caught in a lie, he would pile lies on top of it to try and get himself out of it, when all he truly did was dig himself a bigger hole. What he never understood, and what I explained time after time again, was that no matter how upset I would be at the choices he made, I will always be 10x's more upset if he lied about it. I constantly had my guard up, and often felt disrespected. It was not a good way to feel in a relationship. 

I take these feeling into consideration daily in both my marriage and my parenting. Yes, I'll still tell my children that there is a Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny, which yes, is technically lying, but I'll take the blame for that later to give them a magical childhood now. But as far as lying to Eric goes, I can't even use his razor without feeling guilty and the need to tell him - which he never cares about, but I'd feel wrong or like I was sneaking around if I didn't mention it. And that's just with the use of a razor blade. I can't imagine ever seriously lying or hiding something from him. I always want him to have the feeling of respect that I felt from my dad that day at the wedding throughout our entire marriage, and never want him to feel betrayed through my dishonesty. I think our honesty is one of the major factors of our marriage's happiness. We speak our minds truthfully, which can sometimes lead to tiffs and arguments, but they are resolved within minutes with each of us respecting the other. Respect and honesty come hand-in-hand, and I am grateful to have that every day with Eric. 

I believe that our honesty with each other will set good examples for our girls, too. I experienced sneakiness and lying throughout parts of my childhood, and even when I wasn't directly involved, I knew it was wrong and it left me feeling uneasy. I'd rather have my children see Eric and I express our honesty with each other, even if that means directly dealing with a problem rather than taking the easy way out to ignore it. It will only show them the love we have for each other and how important respect and honesty are. I've seen lots of couples choose to not approach a subject or attack a problem because they want to "keep the peace", but it seems to always build up and surface at one point or another - usually in uncontrolled outbursts, which are harder to work through and can be much more damaging - especially to eavesdropping children. If something is bothering me, Eric is the first person I want to go to, even if he is part of the cause. Who wants to keep something in when talking it through will only make you feel better and strengthen your relationship? I feel best about our marriage after we overcome a problem - I feel confident, loved, and stronger afterwards. It reflects on our children, too, to be able to see us work through things as parents so comfortably and efficiently together.  I can only hope that they will find it just as important and apply it to relationships in their lives - both with us as parents, friends, and future relationships (yikes!) 

If you really love someone, show them with honesty; from expressing something that they may have done to upset you, to admitting that you may have looked through their emails. The honest relationships will always come out on top. 

Reassuring

There is no better reassurance than happiness. For every moment in my day that i feel truly happy, I am proud of myself for making the life decisions that I did. I could look back and be embarrassed or ashamed about parts of my past, but like I've blogged before, I don't think I'd be where I am today without the mistakes, lessons learned, or decisions made.

I feel this reassurance most with my husband. Not only is it a great feeling to know that I have a happy, loving marriage, but it's a constant pat on the back for the tough decision of leaving Lyla's father. Then, I wanted nothing more than Lyla's parents to be together: live together, raise her together. Now, I know that a parent is not defined by blood or biology, and that I am not a bad person for "breaking up her family" as I've previously been blamed for. Mind you, the one who did that blaming has not seen my beautiful daughter in over a year - ahem. I occasionally think back to how unhappy I was, and how forced everything felt. It makes me beyond appreciative of what I now have with Eric; how naturally everything comes, even the most simple things, like being nice to each other or helping out. I feel so lucky to go to bed each night and wake up each morning truly happy, and I can't help but be proud of myself for getting myself here.

If you want reassurance of your parenting, in my case, all I have to do is listen in on Lyla playing. I'll often hear her scolding a stuffed animal for screaming, and then explaining how to use an indoor "boice", or placing a doll in time out because "she's not being a good 'wistener'". I absolutely melt when she's polite, though. Sometimes I'll ask her if she'd like a snack, or more or something, and she'll reply "umm...no thank you mommy, but thank you for asking me" ...gush. And then there are the less kind, but awesomely funny times, like when she tells the dog to KNOCK IT OFF when he's barking.

Even when I was little, I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I would always play house, and imagine what it would be like. I knew I wanted to be a young mom, too - I always said I'd have my first at 21 - so when I had Lyla at 20, it wasn't that far off my "plan", minus the whole right-person-husband factor. So now, when Eric comes home from work to his wife and kids, it's surreal. I can't believe after years of wondering that I'm finally here, doing what I always knew I wanted to do, and absolutely in love with it. It took a lot of hard work, tough decisions, and acceptance of my past to get where I am today, but the happiness I now have is the best reassurance I could ask for.

<3

4th of July

2 years ago on the 4th of July, Eric made the 90 minute drive to my (mom's) house in Rutland for the first time. It was 9pm - after Lyla was sure to be asleep - and the first time we had seen each other in 3 years. When he arrived, my mom hung out at home with my sleeping baby girl, while Eric and I walked up to the neighborhood play ground and sat on the swings; it was here that I gave him my "I'm not looking for a boyfriend" speech, along with a detailed dating plan of going on 100 dates with someone before I declared them my boyfriend, and dating several people before making this decision. I was determined that after the mess I had been through with Lyla's father, the next person I dated exclusively would be the person I would marry; good enough not only for me, but for my daughter too. Even though I knew I liked Eric right away, I convinced myself that all I was interested in was a friendship. That is, until later that night after spending hours talking and getting to know each other over beers and mikes hard lemonade. We kissed each other good-bye before he left, and that was it - 2 weeks later we were "exclusively dating" and he shot my plan to shit. 

Fast forward 2 years, and not only are we married, but we have a beautiful baby girl. We spent the 4th this year reflecting on how crazy this all is, but most important, how happy we are. We've already overcome what is said to be 2 out of the 3 hardest things a couple will go through: planning a wedding and having a baby. Next on the list is buying a house, but I think that with our similar taste and ideas, we'll breeze through that obstacle, too. 

Who would have thought that the cute guy I gave my number to in Providence 5 years ago would be the man I married and had children with. All I know is that I'm glad he drove to Rutland that 4th of July. 

Craziness ;) 

Managing

Just shy of 3 weeks into this "mother of 2" thing, and it's definitely had it's ups and downs. Everyone keeps asking me how it's going, and I always tell them it's both easier and harder than I expected. Some things have been fairly easy, like balancing time with the two girls - today I even managed to treat Lyla to a little mani-pedi and a hair cut while Hannah was napping. But then other things, like going places, has been much more difficult than I anticipated. Example: last Tuesday at our library's story time, Lyla was feeling particularly sensitive and had a total melt down, forcing me to carry her out kicking and screaming under one arm while balancing Hannah's car seat and massive diaper bag in the other. It can be especially difficult to get anywhere with a baby who nurses every 2 hours on the dot; by the time she's fed and I get both girls ready, take the dog out, pack the diaper bag, and get out the door, it's practically time to feed her again. What makes it easier, however, is that this is my 2nd round of this.

I keep telling Eric that I feel like I'm on auto-pilate right now, knowing that the newborn phase of constant nursing and night-waking will soon pass, and I'm just muscling through it. It's also allowing me to enjoy her at this age more-so than I felt I could do with Lyla. Having Lyla really makes me realize how fast they grow up, since it seems like just yesterday it was her I was cluster feeding, and now we're planning her 3rd birthday party - and because of this I'm trying to soak in every moment of this tiny-baby phase, because before I know it she'll be talking, crawling, walking, and being defiant and fresh ;)

Lyla still has her sensitive days - as expected, but for the most part she seems well adjusted to her baby sister's arrival. She pays her more attention, and even gets a bit possessive of her when others ask to hold her; saying things like "but she's my baby sister". However, the other day she did ask me and Eric if we could leave baby Hannah home while we all went for ice cream. She's also quick to be fresh or repeat something she was asked not to do in order to receive the extra attention - even if it is negative attention. This behavior has pushed my patience to the limit, and Lyla has experienced a much less tolerant mother than she is used to, and is becoming well acquainted with her time-out chair. She has this way of saying "I'm sorry" that absolutely breaks my heart, though, and is usually let off the hook much quicker with me than she would be with Eric. Plus, I feel some-what responsible for her new less-than-favorable behavior, since I'm the one who brought this little crying bundle into her life. If anything, she probably gets more attention from me now than she did before Hannah was here, but to her, any time I'm with the baby is time taken away from her - even if that time was previously spent doing the dishes or laundry or other things that didn't include her.

So, to say the least, we are managing. The baby's settling into a schedule, Lyla's adjusting to the best of her ability, and Eric and I continue to make an insanely fabulous team. Can't wait to watch the following weeks and months unfold - the good and difficult