Half Marathon!

3 miles has always been my comfort zone when it comes to running. Starting with cross country in high school and continuing all the way up to a few months ago, I always felt satisfied with my work out as long as I ran a good 5k; until recently when I ran 4, then 5, then 6, and now 7 miles with the same minute-mile and with minor difficulty. Basically, I realized that yes, I'm a beast.

A half marathon has always been a distant goal for me, and I pretty much just made excuses for myself as to why "right now" wasn't the right time. Some excuses I'd like to think were legit, like knee surgeries and having babies. But otherwise I sort of just basked in the boo-hoo's of my poor mechanics and told myself the 13.1 wasn't possible. Well, now having 7 miles under my belt at a 7:15 minute-mile pace, I'm starting to see just how possible it is. From here on out, all I can do is be smart about my training, adjust it as necessary to my bum knees & hip, and hope for an injury-free course to the race.

Later, 5k.

Missing Each Other

Weekends are generally the only time Eric and I truly get to spend with each other and our girls, since during the week we spend our time juggling dinner bath and bedtime by the time he's home from work. But these past several weekends have been jam-packed with side jobs and family gatherings (all time spent away from my hubby) - and the next few weekends aren't looking any better. 

Eric has his psych evaluation this coming weekend, in Worcester, and I'll be home for a girls-weekend with my nieces for an overnight. The following weekend is my best friend's first dress fitting for her wedding (!!!), and since I am a giant child about driving into the big city with my baby in tow, the easiest option for me is to stay at my moms and hitch a ride to Boston from there. Easy, yes. But it proposes yet another weekend away from Eric. 

Funny how you can live with someone, spend your whole day texting and talking to them, have dinner with them, share child-duties with them, and yet miss them so much. Between his long work day and my day at home with the 2 girls, by the time bedtime rolls around, we're ready for bed, too. 

Once these next couple of weekends are through, I'd like to say we'll catch a break, but then the holiday plans begin. Marriage with both parents divorced is a recipe for 3 or 4 separate celebrations, which can take up the whole month. 

I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed with all we have to do, and also with how little time we're spending together. Especially with Eric starting his corrections officer academy next month which will throw our schedule through hoops, and again when he gets a job and is working 2nd or 3rd shift. 

Just hoping we can find some calm in all the chaos, and settle into all the new schedules and changes the best we can. And finding some time to grab a sushi roll would be fab ;) 

Lovin' Love

My marriage to Eric has taught me many things, like how to be selfless, and trust that your needs will be met by each other. But the biggest thing it has taught me is how to never settle for less than you deserve.

My husband is wonderful. He really is. Everyday, we kiss good morning and good night, hello and good bye, he is constantly telling me how beautiful he thinks I am, even right after returning from a run or rolling out of bed. He is always willing to help when I need it, and is supportive in everything that I do. The thing I admire him most for is his ability to back down in an argument or disagreement in order to meet eye to eye and work it out faster. We can both be extremely stubborn and set in our ways, so our ability to be vulnerable with each other to work through something is a great feeling. I think our first year of marriage has set a strong foundation for the years to come.

In pervious relationships, if there was something I didn't like or that made me unhappy, I just kind of thought "well, no one's perfect. This is the way it's going to be and I have to deal with it" - so not true. Sure, no one's perfect, but there is such a thing as a perfect match. I wasn't perfect for my ex's and Eric wasn't perfect for his, but for each other? We just fit. We just work. I am grateful everyday that I didn't settle for anything less than the happiness I have now.

My yoga teacher once said that if you are being grateful, there is no room in your mind for stress. Anytime I feel overwhelmed or stressed out, I focus on my two beautiful, healthy daughters and my amazing marriage, and everything stills. Everything is okay.

There's no doubt we'll face hard times, but I welcome the challenge, knowing that we'll make it through and come out even stronger. I'm so glad I didn't settle. I'm so glad I married for the right reasons. If something doesn't feel right, it's probably not. If you wish someone would change, they probably won't. I love my marriage for what it is; imperfections and all. From bedtime pillow fights to working through difficult situations, I'm glad it's with him.

Easier Said Than Done

Recent events have put my newfound mindfulness to the test, and it's definitely been a struggle. Who knew that getting yourself to a calm, clear-headed state of mind could be so difficult, when it sounds so soothing and natural? 

Last night and all throughout today, my anxiety has been a roller coaster ride. Between Lyla's first day of school and her father suddenly wanting to re-involve himself in her life, I've had lots on my mind within a very short time frame. Each time I begin to feel my heart race or tears well up, I try to become "Momma Zen" by acknowledging how I am feeling, and then taking steps to calm myself down through gentle breathing and little "pep-talks". I remind myself that I cannot control certain situations, and that I shouldn't clog my mind with thoughts of possible scenarios which I cannot change, or prevent. 

Easier said than done.

I may find a minute or two of relief from these thoughts, fears, and anxiety, just to slowly slip back into my own thoughts of the inevitable. I have pits, where I focus on the negative: no, this isn't what I want and peaks, where I find some peace: I can do this, it will be okay. 

So I lit some candles, put on a little DMB, and got out of my own head.

Don't focus on what you cannot change

Everything happens for a reason

You are the one controlling your emotions 

Chanting inside my head, over and over again until my heart is beating at a normal rate. 

Breathe

I'm realizing that I create my own anxiety by remembering the past, and focusing on the "what ifs" 

I have to stop doing this.

Again, easier said than done.

Somehow, these thoughts continue to creep back in and plague my mind.

Inhale belly rise, exhale belly fall

I can't change the past. I can't predict the future. All I can do is focus on today, and appreciate the breaks I can find from my own mind - even minimally. 

It's a process. And a difficult one. But I'll always continue to work towards mindfulness to better myself. No one wants a stressed out mother, wife, daughter, or friend. I can be the best me I can be by continuing to practice an empty mind. I'll struggle today for an easier tomorrow. 

Ben Wants Back In

And now for the post about what's really causing most of my anxiety this morning...

Last night as I was preparing Lyla's things for her first day of preschool, "Ben McPherson" pops up on my phone. A text message, asking to talk about Lyla.

Great.

After nearly a year and a half of not seeing her, talking to her, and barely asking about her, he's now choosing to reconnect with his daughter.

It's bittersweet. Of course I want Lyla to have a relationship with her biological father, because it will (hopefully) save her a world of hurt, anger, and questions in the future as she grows older. But I couldn't help feeling selfish about it. She's just starting school; I have to give her up for 9 hours a week, and now potentially even more time if he chooses to re-establish visitation? I don't want to have any less time with her than I do now. It's not fair. But, putting my own feelings aside, I need to think of what's best for my daughter, and I think having some relationship with Ben will, again - hopefully, be a good thing.

As kindly as I could, I explained how he was a complete stranger to her. She knows that he exists, but that's pretty much it. And he has no idea who she is anymore, either. He's missed out on half of her life, literally, and a child changes a lot from 18months to 3 years old. I told him that if he is serious about coming back into her life, that it's all or nothing. He needs to do it right. He needs to re-establish a relationship with her gradually, and he needs to respect me and Eric when the "where did you go? why haven't you seen me?" questions come out of my toddler's curious mind. As much as I've had my choice words about Ben, never have they been said to or in front of Lyla. Knowing that he could come back into her life, I didn't want her to hate him, or be scared to eventually go with him. Eric and I chose not to talk about him, and if she ever asked, we would tell her he was at work. The last thing I want is for Ben to tell my toddler that it was my fault he didn't see her.

I am worried about the whole thing, though. Lyla is one of the most sensitive little kids I've ever seen, and it would kill me to see someone hurt her. I warned Ben that he better never, ever do this to my little girl again if he walks back in.

He tried explaining why he hadn't seen her for this long, talking about how he had a lot going on and how it was hard when he and I were not getting along - factors I'm sure made it difficult, but quite frankly, I didn't care to hear about them - and told him so. No excuse for 16 months of not seeing your own child.

I learned from our last experience to not do, say, or sign anything without my lawyer's advice, and even though he's upset that we can't settle this on our own, I need to protect Lyla. When I told him this he told me I was treating him like an "axe murderer". Yeah, exactly. Or, I don't want to get screwed like I did the last time we went to court and see my little girl get caught in the middle. So, my lawyer will be leading me through this mess, and hopefully we can civilly work something out with Lyla's best interest in mind.

I'm dreading it. I want her all for myself. I don't want to share. I don't feel like he's done anything to deserve any time with her. I'm angry. I'm sad. But that's all about me. When it comes to Lyla, I have to put all of this aside. Hopefully my new studies of yoga, meditation and exercise can help me through it with a clear head and low anxiety.

But for now, all I can do is wait for my lawyer's signal, and go from there. I can't stress over what I cannot change or what I have no control over, and this, unfortunately, is one of those things.

Marriage - one year in

This last year has been anything but calm.
We moved - twice. We planned and had a wedding.We dealt with Lyla's terrible 2's. We survived pregnancy. We traveled. And we went from a family of 3 to a family of 4 with little commotion. Despite all the changes and chaos that was thrown our way, somehow, Eric and I made it out alive - and with very few arguments. If they say the first year it the hardest, then bring on the next 50.

I'm actually always surprised at our ability to overcome conflicts, because Eric and I both tend to be very stubborn people. You figure: you get two headstrong individuals in an argument, and neither of them will back down. This had been the case in a few spats prior to our wedding, but somehow marriage changed that. We vowed to spend our lives together, and it's not worth losing each other over such tiny speed bumps - I'm sure hills and mountains will be in store for us sometime in the road ahead. I've previously blogged about our love and our honesty, which definitely help make up the glue that keeps us together. But I think the thing I respect the most in our marriage is our ability to be vulnerable, to back down, and to apologize.

Everyone argues. It's inevitable. The thing that sets us aside from everyone else is our willingness to overcome whatever it is we're arguing about. We recognize quickly that we don't want to be fighting, and take quick steps to work it out. We both express ourselves on the situation, and then proceed to both apologize. I think this is the key. One of us may apologize for upsetting the other, and the other may apologize for reacting the way they did. When we both apologize, we both feel heard and healed, and can move on. I really respect Eric's ability to back down, because for the typical testosterone-driven male, this is difficult. And I'm sure he respects this of me, knowing how set in my ways I can be. It's give and take. It's sacrifice. It's what needs to be done. We have a lifetime together and need to choose our battles wisely. Our vulnerability to each other is, I think, what keeps us strong, happy, and so in love.

When Hannah arrived, I thought we would get in endless fights; between the lack of sleep and the added stress, I figured we'd have a serious rough patch. I'd need help when he got home from work but he'd be tired, too. We'd go back and forth over who worked harder, who was up more during the night, who cooked, who cleaned, and we would be done for. What really happened was a total shock. We got along even better. We became selfless. He helped more with the household chores knowing how tired I was, and I put any extra energy I had into giving my husband a well deserved back or foot rub to show my appreciation. Since our time was split between the girls, any time we did get together we cherished and had a deeper appreciation for. Looking at Hannah and knowing she is ours, "made in Mexico" on our honeymoon, out of love - this just bonded the two of us in a way I didn't know was possible. I'm still waiting for the storm to come, because it feels unreal for things to be going this smoothly being newly weds with a toddler and newborn.

All in all, this last year has been long, but amazing nonetheless. I feel so lucky to have married someone who loves me for who I am, and respects me enough to work through any problem we will face. We've got a good thing going here :)

Money = Good Father?

Something I always find strange when I talk to Lyla's father is how little he asks about her. He'll call for one legal reason or another, and then shoot the shit about his life plans as if we're best friends who need catching up. But not one question about Lyla. At most, I'll get a "tell Lyla I said hi" at the end of our conversation, but nothing more. No interest in what she's doing, how she's growing, or her in general whatsoever. It's one thing to go 15 months without seeing her, but to act like she doesn't exist bothers me more than ever.

As annoying as it may have been when he was constantly texting to ask for pictures or asking to talk to her, to be honest in some way I preferred it, because despite my care-less feelings towards him, at least it showed that he still cared about Lyla. However, now that it has been so long since they've spoken and he is merely a vague memory to Lyla, it's better that he doesn't all of a sudden want to pick up where he left off; I think that would be confusing and traumatic for my 3 year old sensitive girl. Still, the thought lingers that he can choose to come back whenever he wishes, but despite the fact that it's been over a year since he's last seen her, I actually believe he thinks of himself as a good father.

Ben has always been obsessed with money. He worked all hours of the day, and spent all he made instantly. He may love making money but he loved spending it more. Ever since our split in 2010, he's paid weekly child support, and before this, he opened a trust fund for Lyla which he planned to be her college fund. In one of our recent conversations, he explained how her fund has tripled since he started it in 2009, and still plans on putting it towards her future schooling. He talked about money the whole conversation, and even though it was indirectly about Lyla, he still managed not to mention her directly once. Since he's so money-driven, I truly believe that because he pays child support and has this fund in place for her, he thinks this makes him a good father.

Eric and I could care less about this trust fund. Sure, it could be beneficial to us down the road, but this is money from a man who has made zero effort to be in his daughter's life, and she's only 3. Who knows what the next 15 years will bring. To us, this money doesn't exist. But the way Ben talks about it is as if he's some sort of fatherly God. He was so excited to tell me how much he had saved up for her, and yet he doesn't even know her anymore.

Providing financially doesn't make you a father. Everything Eric is doing: playing, teaching, disciplining and loving - those are things that make you a dad - and a good one. We could be broke and homeless and it wouldn't make Eric any less of a father to Lyla. But not seeing her for this length of time, and sending a check every month does not define you as a parent, because you aren't one.

Every now and then Lyla will ask about Ben, but recently she has declared Eric as her daddy. If you ask her who "dad" is, she'll say Eric, though she still chooses to call him Eric, or most recently "Papa" - a Beauty and the Beast influence. At this point, she knows Ben exists, but that's pretty much as far as it goes. I hope that even if he does choose to reenter Lyla's life someday, that she will recognize what it means to be a real parent, and love and respect Eric for all he's done and is doing AS her dad - even if down the road she develops a relationship with her biological father.

Once again, I can't predict the future, and I have no idea whether Ben will come back, flake out completely, or continue to think he's doing alright by providing financially. But whatever happens, Lyla has Eric, and she's so unbelievably luck for that - we both are. You can't put a dollar sign on fatherhood. It's priceless.

Running

I ran my first "race" when I was 6 years old. It was once around a local park, about a half mile, and despite the fact that all the other 6 year olds ran to their mommy's or got distracted by the giant playground, I still like to basque in the glory of coming in 3rd - 1st girl ;)

Even though I didn't do much running on my own until years after my victory race, running was a part of my daily life through my parents. Both marathoners at the time, it was simply part of their routine to run daily. Breakfast, coffee, run. I loved going to their races and watching them run by as I stood among the crowd screaming "go mommy, go daddy!", and not to mention, got to eat all the fresh fruit and power bars I could get my hands on.

9th grade came along and so did the proposal of running cross country. At the time, I was dancing ballet, and had to choose between the two because of the severely different ways my muscles would be trained. I chose to run. Little did I know the injuries I would soon endure, from ligament tears in both knees to a fractured hip; it just so happens that the year I began running would be the only full season I would complete.

After high school I continued to run after recovering from 2 knee surgeries, but mainly to run off a night of drinking and 3am fast food burgers. Eventually, I took running more seriously and eased into a weekly routine while avoiding further injury, which allowed me to actually enjoy running, and the feeling I had afterwards.

Now more than ever I love and appreciate my ability to run. Pregnancy definitely aided these feelings; after a difficult 9 months of morning sickness, back pain, and the typical baby-on-the-bladder-running-prevention, I was eager to get back into the swing of it. Not to mention, the motivation of losing baby weight always got me out the door, even after a sleepless night.

Running is my everything-outlet. If I'm overwhelmed, I'll go for an extra long easy-run, focusing on it being "me time" and return home with a clear head and ready to take on the world. If I'm angry, I'll put on a good rock play list and stomp out a faster, harder run, leaving all my anger in the dust. Even when I'm happy, I'll run along to an upbeat music selection and just appreciate the world around me. I love running in any mood, any weather, anytime.

The feeling I have afterwards is the most rewarding. Ironically it gives me a fabulous energy boost, and I always spend the rest of the day feeling refreshed and level-headed. In my attempt to prevent injury now more than ever, running has forced me to take better care of my body by incorporating more stretching and yoga-esque strengthening techniques. Even if it's only 10 minutes before one of my kids needs me and I'm slapped back to reality, I love the me-time where I can just focus on myself, my body, my flexibility, and my health. I'm a better mom for it, I think, because if I feel good and have a good energy, I'm going to reflect that onto my children. Good vibes! They're contagious.

I feel lucky every day that I was able to overcome all of my injuries, and despite my less-than-perfect running structure, I'm still out there 4-5 times a week. I also feel lucky that Eric is so supportive of my exercise; after a long 8 hour day at work, he comes home to watch the 2 girls while I head out for my daily run, and I know that can't always be easy on him.

I hope my body allows me to run for years to come. Call me crazy, but I love it.

Religion

Quite frankly, I've always had lots of questions regarding religion. I've gone back and forth over the years, from totally unsure to reading the bible word for word. I was raised catholic, but not strictly. My family attended church occasionally, and everything religious felt very forced and unnatural. And now at 23, I'm right where I've always been - confused.

Right after I had Lyla was a time I'd consider my most religious. I thought "wow, there must be a God, this beautiful child is proof". I began to attend church weekly, reading the bible, and asking catholic friends loads of questions. But somehow, each time I spent time with a friend or family member who was less than religious, I always took two steps backwards. I would second guess my beliefs, and have more questions than ever. And I still do.

Take those who are gay, for example. People are born gay, it is not a choice. And supposedly, God creates all people, meaning that he created them, too. So, why would God create a gay man, and then teach people that it is "wrong" or "unnatural"? And on top of that, deny them their equal rights as a human to marry the person they love? Sure, they cannot have biological children together, but there are some man-woman couples who cannot either, and even others who choose not to. It's heartbreaking to hear of families who practically disown their own child because they came out as gay. As a mother, I will love my girls no matter what direction life takes them, and I will support who and what they love.

Our wedding was one of the worst experiences I have had with the church. I felt judged because I had a child out of wedlock from a previous relationship, we were looked down upon because we didn't attend church regularly, and a great deal of pressure was put on us to become confirmed - which neither Eric and I are. Shouldn't God be grateful that I brought a child into this world, and not focus on the fact that she may have not been planned or with a person I was in love with? I love her and do my best to raise her. Isn't that what's important? Isn't being spiritual and believing in God more important than how often you attend church? It's hard to commit yourself to a religion when you're constantly feeling judged or put down for decisions you've made. I find that each time I get re-involved with the catholic religion, I leave feeling poorly about myself, my past, and my beliefs.

Lyla was baptized when she was 3 months old. This was during the time I considered myself "most religious", and felt good about welcoming my daughter into the world of God. This ceremony was her entry way to heaven someday, which was a much better thought than anything else in terms of the after life. And today, we have a meeting at the church for Hannah's baptism. Although Eric and I are currently quite confused and unsure of where religion will take us, we wanted to leave the door open for our girls, and so, we're choosing to have Hannah baptized in a Catholic church - the one where we were married. I'm hoping to have a better experience, since Hannah was a product of love and marriage. I'm hoping to be able to focus on the possibilities for our baby girl, and not be frowned upon by our lack of church attendance.

Our girls can choose whatever path in life they want, and we will be 100% supportive. But as for us, we are just utterly confused on what to believe right now.

Love for Food

Since Hannah was about 2 weeks old, I have had to stop eating all dairy products, and somehow, eating less has made me have a much deeper appreciation for food. Maybe it's all the labels I'm now forced to read, or the added fruits, veggies, whole grains and lean meats I've had to add to my diet in order to consume an adequate amount of nutrition, but I'm more intrigued now than ever.

Over the last 8 weeks, I've tried a few new things: rice milk, coconut milk, soy yogurts, endless seed & nut combos, quinoa...etc. Not only did I learn that I liked these things I had never tried, but that I felt better eating them. I've learned new balances of complex carbs & proteins from sources other than dairy. Most importantly - I've learned to control my energy levels through food: carbs in the morning to jump-start the day, with snacks of fruit & nuts throughout the day for a natural sugar & protein boost. Eric and I have also started to cut out all carbs after dinner, and try to be done snacking by 8pm. I feel fabulous, but I'm sure that also comes from the fact that I can't indulge in my usual frozen yogurt and chocolate desserts.

I've also realized what a food-rut we live in. I now have this vibrant list of snacks that I consume, but meals? Not so much. Marinated chicken one night, turkey burgers the next, then a "breakfast-for-dinner" night, and nights where we'll just have sandwiches or soup & salad. Healthy, yes, but the same thing every week? Also, yes. BORING! The truth is, I'm a cooking-scaredy-cat. Once I do it once, I'll be fine - but it's getting myself to try something new that's tough. And once I do, it gets added to our rut-list, like when I decided to try stir-fries: now I make the same stir-fry with pretty much the same ingredients each time. We even have a croc-pot that Eric won 2 years ago that we have never used - everyone yells at me for this, since it is supposedly the easiest way to cook and try new things. Yup. We're croc-pot virgins.

I'm hoping to turn all this around with my sudden interest in new foods. Gonna break out the croc-pot, put our new juicer to good use, and clear the cob webs off our several cooking books that have never been opened. I absolutely love to eat, and even though I don't do much, I love to cook. It's sort of part of my job expectation as a mother and wife, so I'd better get crackin'. Looking forward to continuing to try new things, and learn to break out of my cooking fear...

...even though chicken is currently marinating for dinner. I'll start tomorrow ;)

The power of food is pretty awesome. Being able to control your mood, your energy, and your health through diet is fabulous.

Social Media Judgement - quick note

Everyone uses Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites differently - from music promotion to sharing how bad your breath was when you woke up that morning - everyone's got something to share, and even more-so, everyone's got something to say about these updates. 

I find it amusing when I see posts like "no one cares what you ate for lunch" - probably true, but these sites are for people's personal use, and they can post whatever the hell they want. I'm sure every time I post a blog about how happy I am, I have a fair-share of people who think "alright, we get it already". Or, when I post my many pictures of my girls, you may think "you're a mom, Lauren, we get the picture". Now, given, I am an open book, and will "check-in" where I go, update what I'm doing, and share my activities with the world, so I may be a bit biased to these judgements. On the other hand, I've definitely been fed up with a few girls' "I think pouty-faces are cute" or "photos-of-myself-in-the-mirror" pictures, but instead of complaining, I deleted them so I wouldn't have to see them anymore. 

You're not forced to read everyones posts, so if you don't like 'em, don't read 'em. 

:);) xo

Living in a Bubble

Ever find yourself in a place where things are so good that you're scared of any sort of change? Well, I'm here now. We've all adjusted to being a family of 4, Lyla's tantrums seem to be calming down, Hannah has settled into a more than manageable routine, and Eric and I continue to thrive as a couple. What could go wrong? Talk of a new job and buying a house sure could. 

Eric has applied to be a correction's officer, and the application, schooling and training portions can take months. I understand his career change, since as an electrician he can be laid off at any given moment, and that's not very reassuring when you have a wife and two children to support. However, it's one of those jobs where you start out low and the totem pole, working 3rd shift and weekends, and work your way up to more reasonable hours. For me, this means sleeping alone at night and tip-toeing around the house during the day while he sleeps - no easy task with little ones romping around. I've also seen way too many scary movies and SVU episodes to feel comfortable sleeping without him; the recent break in of Eric's truck doesn't make me feel any better. And for Eric, this means (more than likely) broken sleep, and a serious time-adjustment on his days off. He's worked nights - even overnights - before, and it was difficult to adjust to. We made it through then and we'll make it through now, but until it happens I'm basking in our little perfect routine where my husband is home for the day at 3:30 and snuggles in with me at night. 

And then the house-talk. Ah, yes. Of course I would love to own a house of our own in the future, especially since paying rent for our apartment is in essence just throwing away money instead of working towards something, like a mortgage, but the thought is still scary. Right now, everything is so easy: something breaks, we call the landlord; not our problem, not our money, not our job. With a house? It's all us - or more than likely, Eric. Maybe the problem here is that I actually like spending time with my husband. And while I have no problem with him going out with friends for a drink, the thought of having to share him with a house with endless work to be done and things to be fixed just makes me realize how much less time we will have to spend together. Back off, house, he's mine. (Is it normal to be jealous of a non-existent house? Hmmm...) 

I want to capture this time we're in right now, put it in a bubble and just stay in it forever. Even though a lot about the future excites me, like watching the girls grow and seeing what new beginnings we'll encounter, it still makes me nervous to rock the boat when things are going so well. 

Ah, this thing called life. Lets see what you have in store for us. 

Comfortable Being Me

I feel like a good amount of my life has been spent comparing myself to others, and basing my decisions on those around me. Especially in high school, I would take note of what others were wearing, watching, and doing, and I would be in a constant game of follow the leader. Even after becoming a mother, I was determined to be "one of those" who would always have my hair & make-up done, be well dressed, and have my husband come home to a wife doing the dishes in 6 inch heels. All this seemed so appealing after seeing it be done in the movies and even with a few friends with kids; but I finally stopped looking around and trying to be someone else, because slowly but surely, I became more comfortable just being me.

Lesson 1: I am not a girly-girl. Day to day, you will see me in yoga pants, sports bra, racer back tank, and either flip flops or sneakers. This is a simple one: they're comfortable. Not to mention, if I'm already dressed to run, I have no excuse not to go for one when hubby gets home from work. I'll take Nike and Puma over Coach and Armani any day. Lucky for me, Eric tells me that he finds me most attractive when I'm run-ready; sure, the tight running capris play a strong roll, but taking good care of myself is a more attractive quality than someone who spends hours getting ready each day only to apply more and more make up and hair, and look less and less like the real you.

Lesson 2: It's not all or nothing. "Dressing up" to me can be anything from adding a pair of chunky earrings to my messy-bun & jeans look, to heels, dresses and curls. Fun? Yes. Daily preference? Absolutely not. I do, however, love a lil' mascara and eyeliner - even with yoga pants. But my hair? Impossible. Not only is it outrageously thick and unmanageable from having a baby 8 weeks ago, but it's too damn hot to blow dry and straighten this mop. I was not blessed with totally straight or beautifully curly hair: I've got the inbetween; waves. Good for a beachy look, perhaps, but not so much for a shower-and-go-natural one. Therefore, I live in messy buns and braids. And hey, as a mother of 2 who plans on exercising later that day, that's just fine with me. I may be no Posh, but I make a great Sporty Spice.

Truly being comfortable with yourself obviously goes a lot deeper than the clothes you wear, and here's where I go back to my over-expressed topic: happiness. Not only am I lucky to have Eric who supports me no matter what, but I am lucky to have the ability to be happy with myself - and this took years. I kissed my past goodbye, looked forward to the future, and focused on the present. I take good care of myself by eating right and exercising. I focus nearly all my energy into mothering my 2 girls to the best of my ability, and I stay truly honest and genuine in everything I do. That alone makes me feel great about myself - nothing to hide (as anyone who reads my blogs will know, I'm an open book); I love giving to others without the expectation of receiving something in return, and I try not to half-ass anything. I feel like right now in my life, I am the best person/wife/mother I can be, and I couldn't be any of those things without self acceptance and happiness.

I no longer feel like I have to compare myself to anyone - I am 100% comfortable being me, yoga pants and all.

The Little Things

Before Eric I had 3 or 4 "serious" relationships, and now having been married for almost a year, the biggest difference I see in my relationship with Eric in comparison to the others comes from the smallest things; things as easy as being nice to each other, and being thoughtful. We definitely have our moments, or days, where we feel tired or stressed and will be a bit more testy, but after being together for 2 years, married for nearly 1, and having two kids to raise, our ability to remain kind to one another truly amazes me at times.

Eric never stops surprising me. Sometimes I'll be dealing with both kids and assume he is on the couch on his phone or laptop, and without even really knowing, I'll get an attitude towards him; only to go into the kitchen to find that the dishes are being put away and the oven pre-heated for dinner. It takes little moments like this for me to step back and scold myself for assuming anything else. It also makes me gush over how appreciative and lucky I feel to have a husband who is such a great help. There are mornings where I want to scream because his breakfast dishes are sitting in the sink, and others where I went to bed with a sink-full of dinner dishes and wake up with them washed and put away. It may be a small gesture, but when I wake up with him gone off to work, and the dishes are done, it's as if he left me a dozen roses; just taking a few moments out of his morning to make my day a little easier, and show me that he was thinking of me. And when he's home from work, if there's ever a time that I'm sitting down with my feet up, he'll grab them and give them a rub. Even just for a few minutes, but it's so thoughtful and feels amazing after rocking a newborn and chasing a toddler all day.

I try and return the favor to the best of my mother & wife abilities; I'll have the baby fed (or bottle made) when he's home from work so she won't scream for him when I go for my daily run, I'll have his work and gym clothes for the following day washed and put away, I'll have a dinner plan waiting, and if I have any ounce of energy left once the girls are asleep - I'll give him a back massage. Each thing small, but they're thoughtful and make his day just a bit easier.

I know I often blog about how happy I am and how lucky I feel - but it's true, and I find that these little gestures towards each other make for a happy foundation in our marriage. I told Eric the other day that it means more for him to help me fold the laundry than it would if he brought home flowers or chocolate from work. Although, you can never go wrong with chocolate, either ;)

Honesty

I attended a wedding with my mom and dad for a family friend when I was younger, and as with most weddings there was a fair share of alcoholic beverages being served throughout the reception. At this age, I began to realize that alcohol wasn't a good thing, and became very concerned with when and how much my parents drank. I asked my mom how many glasses of wines she had, and she gave me her usual "2 glasses" response. But when I asked my dad, I'll never forget that instead of lying or ignoring the question, he put down his beer and held up 6 fingers. I'll never forget how I felt that moment - I felt respected because I knew my father was being honest with me. There wasn't even a hint of anger at the fact that he was more than likely intoxicated after those 6 beers, because at that point all that mattered to me was his honesty. 

I tell this story often when honesty comes up in conversation, and I'll never forget how good it made me feel to have been told the truth - and how terrible it feels to be lied to. Lyla's father lied to me often, from where he was going to smoking cigarettes. It was the worst feeling, and I felt myself often sneaking around checking his phone, facebook, or peeking through the curtain when he took the trash out. I hated it, and often hated what I found even more. What's worse, is that even when he was caught in a lie, he would pile lies on top of it to try and get himself out of it, when all he truly did was dig himself a bigger hole. What he never understood, and what I explained time after time again, was that no matter how upset I would be at the choices he made, I will always be 10x's more upset if he lied about it. I constantly had my guard up, and often felt disrespected. It was not a good way to feel in a relationship. 

I take these feeling into consideration daily in both my marriage and my parenting. Yes, I'll still tell my children that there is a Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny, which yes, is technically lying, but I'll take the blame for that later to give them a magical childhood now. But as far as lying to Eric goes, I can't even use his razor without feeling guilty and the need to tell him - which he never cares about, but I'd feel wrong or like I was sneaking around if I didn't mention it. And that's just with the use of a razor blade. I can't imagine ever seriously lying or hiding something from him. I always want him to have the feeling of respect that I felt from my dad that day at the wedding throughout our entire marriage, and never want him to feel betrayed through my dishonesty. I think our honesty is one of the major factors of our marriage's happiness. We speak our minds truthfully, which can sometimes lead to tiffs and arguments, but they are resolved within minutes with each of us respecting the other. Respect and honesty come hand-in-hand, and I am grateful to have that every day with Eric. 

I believe that our honesty with each other will set good examples for our girls, too. I experienced sneakiness and lying throughout parts of my childhood, and even when I wasn't directly involved, I knew it was wrong and it left me feeling uneasy. I'd rather have my children see Eric and I express our honesty with each other, even if that means directly dealing with a problem rather than taking the easy way out to ignore it. It will only show them the love we have for each other and how important respect and honesty are. I've seen lots of couples choose to not approach a subject or attack a problem because they want to "keep the peace", but it seems to always build up and surface at one point or another - usually in uncontrolled outbursts, which are harder to work through and can be much more damaging - especially to eavesdropping children. If something is bothering me, Eric is the first person I want to go to, even if he is part of the cause. Who wants to keep something in when talking it through will only make you feel better and strengthen your relationship? I feel best about our marriage after we overcome a problem - I feel confident, loved, and stronger afterwards. It reflects on our children, too, to be able to see us work through things as parents so comfortably and efficiently together.  I can only hope that they will find it just as important and apply it to relationships in their lives - both with us as parents, friends, and future relationships (yikes!) 

If you really love someone, show them with honesty; from expressing something that they may have done to upset you, to admitting that you may have looked through their emails. The honest relationships will always come out on top. 

Reassuring

There is no better reassurance than happiness. For every moment in my day that i feel truly happy, I am proud of myself for making the life decisions that I did. I could look back and be embarrassed or ashamed about parts of my past, but like I've blogged before, I don't think I'd be where I am today without the mistakes, lessons learned, or decisions made.

I feel this reassurance most with my husband. Not only is it a great feeling to know that I have a happy, loving marriage, but it's a constant pat on the back for the tough decision of leaving Lyla's father. Then, I wanted nothing more than Lyla's parents to be together: live together, raise her together. Now, I know that a parent is not defined by blood or biology, and that I am not a bad person for "breaking up her family" as I've previously been blamed for. Mind you, the one who did that blaming has not seen my beautiful daughter in over a year - ahem. I occasionally think back to how unhappy I was, and how forced everything felt. It makes me beyond appreciative of what I now have with Eric; how naturally everything comes, even the most simple things, like being nice to each other or helping out. I feel so lucky to go to bed each night and wake up each morning truly happy, and I can't help but be proud of myself for getting myself here.

If you want reassurance of your parenting, in my case, all I have to do is listen in on Lyla playing. I'll often hear her scolding a stuffed animal for screaming, and then explaining how to use an indoor "boice", or placing a doll in time out because "she's not being a good 'wistener'". I absolutely melt when she's polite, though. Sometimes I'll ask her if she'd like a snack, or more or something, and she'll reply "umm...no thank you mommy, but thank you for asking me" ...gush. And then there are the less kind, but awesomely funny times, like when she tells the dog to KNOCK IT OFF when he's barking.

Even when I was little, I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I would always play house, and imagine what it would be like. I knew I wanted to be a young mom, too - I always said I'd have my first at 21 - so when I had Lyla at 20, it wasn't that far off my "plan", minus the whole right-person-husband factor. So now, when Eric comes home from work to his wife and kids, it's surreal. I can't believe after years of wondering that I'm finally here, doing what I always knew I wanted to do, and absolutely in love with it. It took a lot of hard work, tough decisions, and acceptance of my past to get where I am today, but the happiness I now have is the best reassurance I could ask for.

<3

4th of July

2 years ago on the 4th of July, Eric made the 90 minute drive to my (mom's) house in Rutland for the first time. It was 9pm - after Lyla was sure to be asleep - and the first time we had seen each other in 3 years. When he arrived, my mom hung out at home with my sleeping baby girl, while Eric and I walked up to the neighborhood play ground and sat on the swings; it was here that I gave him my "I'm not looking for a boyfriend" speech, along with a detailed dating plan of going on 100 dates with someone before I declared them my boyfriend, and dating several people before making this decision. I was determined that after the mess I had been through with Lyla's father, the next person I dated exclusively would be the person I would marry; good enough not only for me, but for my daughter too. Even though I knew I liked Eric right away, I convinced myself that all I was interested in was a friendship. That is, until later that night after spending hours talking and getting to know each other over beers and mikes hard lemonade. We kissed each other good-bye before he left, and that was it - 2 weeks later we were "exclusively dating" and he shot my plan to shit. 

Fast forward 2 years, and not only are we married, but we have a beautiful baby girl. We spent the 4th this year reflecting on how crazy this all is, but most important, how happy we are. We've already overcome what is said to be 2 out of the 3 hardest things a couple will go through: planning a wedding and having a baby. Next on the list is buying a house, but I think that with our similar taste and ideas, we'll breeze through that obstacle, too. 

Who would have thought that the cute guy I gave my number to in Providence 5 years ago would be the man I married and had children with. All I know is that I'm glad he drove to Rutland that 4th of July. 

Craziness ;) 

Managing

Just shy of 3 weeks into this "mother of 2" thing, and it's definitely had it's ups and downs. Everyone keeps asking me how it's going, and I always tell them it's both easier and harder than I expected. Some things have been fairly easy, like balancing time with the two girls - today I even managed to treat Lyla to a little mani-pedi and a hair cut while Hannah was napping. But then other things, like going places, has been much more difficult than I anticipated. Example: last Tuesday at our library's story time, Lyla was feeling particularly sensitive and had a total melt down, forcing me to carry her out kicking and screaming under one arm while balancing Hannah's car seat and massive diaper bag in the other. It can be especially difficult to get anywhere with a baby who nurses every 2 hours on the dot; by the time she's fed and I get both girls ready, take the dog out, pack the diaper bag, and get out the door, it's practically time to feed her again. What makes it easier, however, is that this is my 2nd round of this.

I keep telling Eric that I feel like I'm on auto-pilate right now, knowing that the newborn phase of constant nursing and night-waking will soon pass, and I'm just muscling through it. It's also allowing me to enjoy her at this age more-so than I felt I could do with Lyla. Having Lyla really makes me realize how fast they grow up, since it seems like just yesterday it was her I was cluster feeding, and now we're planning her 3rd birthday party - and because of this I'm trying to soak in every moment of this tiny-baby phase, because before I know it she'll be talking, crawling, walking, and being defiant and fresh ;)

Lyla still has her sensitive days - as expected, but for the most part she seems well adjusted to her baby sister's arrival. She pays her more attention, and even gets a bit possessive of her when others ask to hold her; saying things like "but she's my baby sister". However, the other day she did ask me and Eric if we could leave baby Hannah home while we all went for ice cream. She's also quick to be fresh or repeat something she was asked not to do in order to receive the extra attention - even if it is negative attention. This behavior has pushed my patience to the limit, and Lyla has experienced a much less tolerant mother than she is used to, and is becoming well acquainted with her time-out chair. She has this way of saying "I'm sorry" that absolutely breaks my heart, though, and is usually let off the hook much quicker with me than she would be with Eric. Plus, I feel some-what responsible for her new less-than-favorable behavior, since I'm the one who brought this little crying bundle into her life. If anything, she probably gets more attention from me now than she did before Hannah was here, but to her, any time I'm with the baby is time taken away from her - even if that time was previously spent doing the dishes or laundry or other things that didn't include her.

So, to say the least, we are managing. The baby's settling into a schedule, Lyla's adjusting to the best of her ability, and Eric and I continue to make an insanely fabulous team. Can't wait to watch the following weeks and months unfold - the good and difficult

I'm Impressed

I have to admit that so far, I'm pretty impressed with myself. I've managed to keep both kids not only alive, but fed, bathed, well dressed, and played with. On top of that, the laundry, dishes and cleaning hasn't gotten entirely out of control, and I've managed to get Petey outside in time for him to do his business. I've even kept Lyla's schedule as normal as possible, having taken her to story time at the library on Tuesday and her gymnastics play group on Friday. I did push my luck, however, by adding a mall trip to our day on Friday, where Lyla was pushing my buttons and the baby was letting the world know she was ready for lunch. I had my first meltdown when I got home from that trip - but after 10 days of nearly nothing to complain about, I guess it was time for a good "holy shit" moment. I even made Eric proud when I tossed one of Lyla's sippy cups onto the kitchen floor out of frustration that it would not fit into our over packed dish washer. He said this little act let him know that I'm indeed human, and not super woman. Not to mention, my first week on my own with both kids happened to be the week that Eric was asked to work 10-hour shifts in order to get a job done by a deadline. All in all, I really can't complain.

Lyla has been the tougher of the two. She's been testing my patience and her luck by purposely doing things she knows she shouldn't be, like throwing water out of the bath, or pulling the dogs tail. But as frustrating as it can be, especially since I am a bit more tired these days, I had prepared myself for these outbursts and cries for attention, so it doesn't always seem so bad. Some days I have more patience for it, and other days she spends quite a bit of time sitting in time out. But keeping her involved with the baby has been a huge help; she loves to get me diapers, help pick out little outfits, and rock her sister in her swing. As long as she feels like she's helping, she does just fine. But when the baby cries and needs to eat (aka steal mommy's attention), that's another story.

The baby has been wonderful. She's only given us one rough night's sleep so far, and otherwise is a totally happy and content little girl - until she gets hungry; then she lets you know just how much noise a person her size is capable of. She stays awake for 1-2 hours at a time between feedings, and then will nap for a couple of hours. It's perfect because it gives me time to color, do puzzles, or paint nails with Lyla, and by the time Hannah wakes up and needs to feed again, Lyla seems content with our time together and is more apt to be independent for a while.

When I had Lyla, I was so afraid to go anywhere. This time is so different, having already left the house on a daily basis and continuing on with our normal lives - but just bringing a baby along, too. On Wednesday we'll be heading to Maine with my mom. I'm mostly excited for Lyla, because she will get loads of extra attention from Grammy, and be able to do her favorite beach activities: finding sea shells and sea glass. We also plan to take her to York Zoo, which I know she'll love. I'll enjoy the break too, whether my mom is holding the baby so I can be more engaged with Lyla, or spending more time with Hannah while my mom takes Ly. Plus, there's always fabulous food involved when you stay with Deb, and when Eric joins us Friday after work, it'll be a nice mini-vacation for us after 2 weeks of 10-hour work shifts for him.

So far so good with this mom-of-two thing.

"She's Here!"

^ This was the text message my friends received on Tuesday, June 12th, without any warning at all of me being in labor. Hell, I barely had any warning of being in labor. All those rumors about exercise during pregnancy making for a shorter labor are definitely true.

At 12:15 my water began to break, so I called Eric to give him the heads up that he may have to leave work early. And it's a good thing he did - he was at work a half hour away, and once he got to the hospital, little Hannah made her grand (and fast) appearance into the world within 45 minutes. From start to finish, my entire labor was less than 3 hours. Certainly beats the 25 hour labor I had with Lyla. However, it went so fast that I didn't have time for my beloved and much wanted epidural, so this little girl was born all natural.

The entire first day she was born, I was in shock. It was almost too fast to fathom what had just happened. I kept asking Eric if i was dreaming, especially because for some reason, I was in very little pain afterwards. I was up and walking within minutes of my delivery. All of our visitors were poking fun at me for being in such disbelief of Hannah actually being here. It didn't feel real. And on top of that, she was an amazing nurser and sleeper. What? Is this newborn for real? I had to wake her during the night for all her feedings otherwise she would have slept right through them. Foreign territory for me since Lyla was up nearly every hour as a newborn - and even still wakes during the night at almost 3 years old.

And as if all of that wasn't enough to make me question if I was dreaming, Eric and I have been getting along better than ever. He's been simply amazing; if he's not holding Hannah, he's playing with Lyla. If he's not with the girls, he's helping with the dishes. Another foreign territory for me. Aren't we supposed to be sleep deprived and arguing over who works harder and who got the most sleep? He even took a week off from work after Hannah was born to stay home and help me adjust to everything. I keep waiting for the storm to roll in since this feels like the calm. It can't be this good, this easy, can it?

Hannah is doing amazing. She nurses so well that I've nearly lost all my pregnancy weight and she's only 9 days old. Unfortunately my belly won't fully shrink until my uterus goes back to its normal size in about 5 weeks. But this little girl loves to eat and sleep - it's made the adjustment from 1 to 2 much easier with her being such a good baby. She only cries when she's hungry, and once she's fed she's either contently awake until her next feeding, or snoozing away. This has made for an easy adjustment for Lyla, too. She pretty much ignores her most of the time, until she's fussy and ready to eat. Then Lyla will pretend to cry and say "no Mommy, I need you" which broke my heart the first time she said it. But I've incorporated her into Hannah's feedings by reading her favorite books to her, which so far as worked out well.

It's hard to believe that Hannah's really here. Just over a week ago we were doing all we could to start my labor, and now she's really here. She's perfect, with 10 fingers and 10 toes, happy, and healthy. Hard to believe Lyla was ever that little, and even harder to believe that Hannah will grow up to be a big girl like her sister. I'm appreciating all these surprisingly easy days, and prepared for the hard days to come. But either way I'm enjoying the ride and loving watching our family grow. So glad you're here, baby girl!

Now vs. Then

I can't tell you how different it is expecting a child with your husband, who you are in love with, in comparison to an unplanned pregnancy with someone you had no real feelings for. I've said it once and I'll say it again - it has all made me realize why people wait until marriage to be intimate with one another. Of course, you can't look back and regret, because then I would never have had Lyla, the little love of my life, and I can't imagine life without her. I am, however, looking forward to having a different experience with the birth of Hannah.

I love thinking back to when Eric and I first started dating - it was so fun and filled with childhood giddiness. All the cliche high school moments from counting the days until we saw each other again, to the "no, you hang up first" phone conversations. I would time Lyla's nap perfectly to give myself enough time to primp myself for my man's arrival, and give us a few moments of "gosh, i missed you so much" hugs and kisses before she woke up. We spent our days at the playground with my baby girl, and our nights sipping wine and getting to know each other. I was always surprised at how well he did with Lyla, and how he never felt he was missing out on going on dates or out with friends all the time. He was the guy I never thought I'd find, and 4 months later when we were engaged, I knew he'd be the guy that never got away.

Now 9 month into our marriage - and 9 months pregnant, I can't help but feel a different form of excitement about the arrival of our baby Hannah. I almost feel guilty talking about this, because I never want Lyla to read this and think that I love her any less than her sister just because circumstances with her father we different. In fact, with all the love I have for Lyla, I'm wondering how I can produce enough for our newest addition to the family. But, as I've been told by all moms with more than one child, there's always enough.

Most of my excitement comes from the thought of Eric seeing and holding his daughter for the first time. This is a moment I never experienced with Lyla, because I was more concerned with my friends love and emotions towards my new daughter than those of her own father. I couldn't wait to show her off to all my other friends and family members, and never really had that "new family" feeling. This time, there will be no one in the delivery room for support except for my husband, and when she finally makes her grand entrance into the world, I cannot wait to basque in that moment - just us 3. We just get to stare at her and know that we made her because we love each other. And then, of course, Lyla will join us to meet her baby sister, and our family of 4 will be complete. I have asked my mom to bring Lyla in before any other visitors so she can be one of the first to hold and bond with her. I can't imagine the mess of emotions I will be that day, watching the two people I love most in this world welcome this little (or not so little if she stays in there much longer!) bundle of joy into our family.

This little girl will have all the love in the world, that's for sure.
We cannot wait! So, what are you waiting for little Hannah!?

Friendships

One thing I absolutely cannot stand is a selfish person. I think I have such a limited group of really good friends because a friendship, much like a relationship, takes effort. And why put in effort for someone who isn't worth your time or doesn't show any interest in you?

I have had the same best friend my whole life - literally; all (nearly) 23 years of it. And my other close friends I have known since our early teen years. What makes our friendships flourish is our effort to stay in each others lives, and also, to show an interest. If a friend has been sick, I want to make sure they are feeling better. If they enter a new relationship or end an old one, I want all the details. And what's better is that I know the questions will be returned. These friends contact me regularly about my daughter, marriage, pregnancy, you name it. And sure, these are all facts they can gather on their own with the wonderful world of the social media, and my tell-all approach to it, so it's comforting that they make the extra phone call or visit to catch up on things I'm sure they've read about.

I've recently noticed how many people had been in my life because I was the only one making the effort. I made the plans, I asked the questions, I held the friendship together. So, after our wedding, I put some serious thought into not only who I care enough about to keep in our new lives, but who cared enough about us to be in them. Needless to say, I've lost contact with several people who I thought I needed, and have felt no change whatsoever. My small group of friends still remains strong, and all I need.

I'm a ridiculously friendly person; always saying hi, always showing an interest in others lives, always smiling - so when I go about my norm, and don't even get an "and how are you?" in return, I just realize how much of my energy I just wasted on pretending I was interested in what this person has been up to. I guess because of how friendly I am, I don't understand how someone can sit there and talk about themselves for quite some time, and never even give the other person the time of day. Who doesn't love to talk about themselves? Most people, especially girls, do. But it takes a back-n-forth conversation to sustain a true friendship.

Breaks My Heart

Lately, out of no where, Lyla has often been asking about her father. She'll say things like "Eric is my step daddy, but where's my daddy?" Although I reply with a very nonchalant "Your daddy is just at work", it makes me more sad than you know.

May 17th will be one year since Lyla has seen her dad, and I can't help but think of how unfortunate that is - mainly for him. Think of all he has missed. Sometimes when I go to the gym for an hour, Eric will have taught her something new while I was gone and I am sad to have missed that, let alone a whole year of learning, development, and love. I also feel sad for Lyla that someone can up and walk out of her life like that. I'm just glad it happened when she was so young. However, because Ben and I still currently have shared legal custody, he has the ability to walk back in at any ol' time. Because of this, I feel that it is my job to not shut out the idea of "daddy" completely.

He's still in her baby books, which for months I debated on whether or not to remove them. We've gone through them in the past few months in preparation for baby Hannah, so I can show Lyla how little she used to be, and how much she's grown. But for now, I left pictures of Ben inside so that if he does decide to come walking back in, she has some idea of what he looks like, who he is, and that he used to be around. It doesn't seem to bother her, though, because when she comes across his picture, she'll just happily state "and that's my daddy" and move on to naming other people and things inside the book. Lyla was shy of 2 when she last saw him, and lucky for that, she has no real understanding of what his absence really means. Even though it doesn't make her sad, it really breaks my heart to hear her ask about him, and just know that he exists and doesn't see her. I feel even more guilty now because he recently lost his job, so now when I tell Lyla he's at work, I'm lying.

It's not my job to take out my anger with him on the subject with Lyla. It's my job as her mother to protect her, and that doesn't involve making negative remarks about her father infront of her. I never carry on a conversation about him, but when he is brought up, I just handle it calmly and change the subject. Everyone asks us if we have her call Eric "daddy", and we don't. I've always said that it is her decision; Eric is not her biological father, but he is her dad in the sense that he lives with us, helps raise her, and loves her as if she were his own blood. Even if Ben never comes back in, Lyla will never be without a father figure. And if she decides to join the band wagon after Hannah arrives and call Eric "daddy", then it's her choice. If she calls him Eric for the rest of her life, than that's okay too.

As any mother would say, I just want what's best for my little girl. I want her to be raised well, knowing right from wrong, protect her from what I can, and give her endless amounts of love. Knowing someone can walk out on someone so precious is a painful thought, but it only makes me thrive to be the best mother I can be, knowing (or feeling like) I have some void in her to fill on my own.

Establishing "us" time before baby

Recently, I've realized how little I feel like I see my husband. He gets home from work, I (sometimes) go to the gym, one of us makes dinner while the other entertains Lyla, we juggle bath, story, and bedtime, and by the time our big girl is asleep, we turn into blobs on the couch. Sure, we'd have a few hours together after Lyla's bed time...if we could stay awake. "What an old married couple we are" we always joke. Although our routine works, and allows us to spend shared time with Lyla, I began to realize just how much more tired we'll be after the arrival of our baby girl, and how much less time we'll have together. I wanted to put an end to this as much as possible so we can get into a better routine of togetherness before these 5 weeks until d-day fly by.

The thing we do daily is catch up with each other's day over dinner. Lyla shares her favorite part of her day with Eric who has been at work, and Eric shares his work out and work day with me. I'll ramble about the crafts Lyla and I did that day, or something funny/frustrating that occurred. It's the one time we're all sitting together, with no distractions, and can connect as a family. I always grew up having family dinners, and it's something I plan to make a staple in our household, too.

Dinner time has always been our time together, but we needed more. With us both being so exhausted at nighttime - with Eric waking at 4am for the gym and me being nearly 9 months pregnant & chasing my toddler around all day - it's difficult for us to not want to snuggle under a fuzzy blanket with the DVR and fall asleep by 9pm. But I miss my husband! So we agreed that at least once a week, we would have a game night (talk about old married couple!) We also agreed that at least once a month we would have a kids-free date night, where we would go out to dinner, go bowling, sit at the bar with a few drinks...something just the two of us. We're lucky to have so many willing friends and family to babysit - hopefully that sticks once we add a newborn to the mix ;)

I love our marriage because we have the ability to talk about & through anything. Now more than ever I am looking forward to the arrival of our baby girl, especially knowing that Eric and I will be making a genuine effort to spend more time together, on top of juggling our busy schedules. It's not going to be easy, but it's a life we signed up for and, most importantly, a life we love.

You Look Foolish

Every chapter that I read in "I do, Now what?" by Giuliana & Bill Rancic has not only been inspiring, but reassuring to my own marriage. One Chapter in particular stuck out yesterday, because it was something I couldn't agree more with, but also something that I see often in relationships, not just marriage: You should never publicly put down or talk poorly about your partner.

The chapter discusses some solid points about what happens when you share negative things about your significant other with friends, family, or the worst, in my opinon - the social networking systems. When you blast your guy or gal for the public to read, not only does it build negative thoughts on this person for your friends and family, but it also makes you look foolish for choosing to be with them. No one wants to see someone they care about get hurt, let down, or be disrespected, so it can be difficult for loved ones to read such posts and sympathize staying in the relationship when you're making it so obvious that you deserve better. Not to mention, most of these social outbursts are posted on impulse, and are likely resolved before your friends and family even have time to react. Then, the next day you're tweeting or posting on their walls about how much you love them. Heart heart, kiss kiss. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a relationship quarrel through the social network, get loads of "back up" from their friends, and then act as if the whole thing never happened with new posts of kissy-face pictures and updates soon after.

In my opinion, it's immature. A phone call to your mother or close friend to help talk through a tough situation is one thing, but putting something so personal on something so public, just says "attention seeking" to me. No couple is perfect, but you'd never see me trashing my husband for the world to see just because we had an argument. Marriage is sacred, for better or worse, and when we took our vows on September 10th, we vowed to work through things together, no matter how big, small, or difficult. I don't need people I talk to once every few months chiming in on my Facebook page to tell their opinions, or that they're on my side. The only person I want to talk to about my marriage is the person I'm married to - it's no one else's business. I think this should apply to those just dating, too. What is working through an argument or problem via the social networking systems really going to solve? Nothing, but making you look foolish, giving your friends and family the wrong impression of the offender, and lots of confused faces when you flip the switch the next day.

Having an Advantage

My previous post about relationship comparison sparked a conversation between Eric and I about different life styles, which lead to discussing parenthood and the advantage we may have over other couples.

Eric came into my life when Lyla was 11 months old, and quite obviously because of this, he has always known me as a mother. He had the advantage of seeing how I parent, and also see my availability (or at times, lack there of) to him on top of caring for my baby. I also had an advantage in this situation: I got to see Eric in action with Lyla. As our relationship grew and we became engaged, Eric's role with Lyla went from playful pal to respectable father figure. This was such an attractive quality because I was a package deal; I could have dated the perfect man for me, but if he wasn't good with my daughter he was getting the boot. Not to mention, the 10 month span where Eric and I were engaged & Eric became more of a disciplinary in Lyla's life, it served as a window into out lives together: could he really handle being thrown into the life of a husband and father figure all at once? From the very beginning of our relationship, we were forced to find time together after putting Lyla first. This may sound like a burden, but I truly do consider it an advantage.

Tonight, we were discussing how different our lives would have been without Lyla: I'd be working full time, we'd be going out more often, on dates more often, and not be shuffling whose turn it is for bath time. This may sound ideal, but I disagree. Having had Lyla, we built our relationship around parenthood - one of the most important aspects to any relationship in want of children. We were able to surpass the "shock factor". We didn't have to make the life style change from going out to staying in, sleeping in to up all night. I didn't have to watch my husband go from energetic and caring to exhausted and short tempered. He didn't have to watch me go from out-all-night to nursing all night. There was no arguing about how things "used to be" before baby. These were all things we were both immediately aware of given our situation, and allowed us to build our relationship and marriage on this knowledge. Eric was made aware of my parenting preferences, and although we don't always agree, he helps me raise Lyla with the same understanding and expectations that I have. This diffuses any arguments couples may have over differnt parenting methods, and paves the way for raising our future child.

Although Eric wasn't around for the newborn stage with Lyla, at least we have the advantage of the fact that one of us has gone through it. I've spent this pregnancy sharing stories of when Lyla was first born, as well as the hardships of her first several months. And even though each child will be different, I'm hoping that the fact that we, together, have been parental figures from the get-go will only help us with the arrival of our baby girl. It'll still be a shock for us both, going from one to two; from an easy going toddler to a needy newborn, but with the experience we have and the support from one another, I'm confident in us.

Relationship Comparisons

Admittedly, one of my newest and most favorite reality TV shows is Guiliana & Bill - a show that follows the life of a famous married couple through hardships of work, infertility, pregnancy loss, breast cancer, and true love. This couple is always leaving me in amazement of their ability to work through things, and treat each other with the love and respect that a marriage deserves. People have called them "the perfect couple" and it's not hard to see why after watching their show. I've even begun reading their book: I do, Now What? - loaded with advice on how to keep things fresh after vows are exchanged. And, being a newly wed, this is all of great interest to me. However, watching their show and reading their book has made me realize some hard facts that I think more couples need to open their eyes to.

You are you, and your spouse is your spouse. Plain and simple. I feel so lucky to be able to watch such a role model couple grow on national television, and know that I share a lot of that same amazement within my own marriage - but at times it can make me wish, too. I find myself thinking things like "I wish I could react that calmly" or "I wish Eric would do that" but these thoughts are not fair. The husband, Bill, on the show seems like the most cool, calm & collected man on this planet - never raising his voice or getting overworked. My husband on the other hand has enough testosterone to make up for the fact that he will soon be out numbered 3 to 1 in this house with the arrival of baby Hannah in June. And because of this, he may overreact to things I wish he didn't, or respond in a way that is not favorable. But that's who he is, and being his wife, it is my job to not only accept him for who HE is, but to talk to him about it. And the wife, Guiliana, is constantly putting herself aside for her hubby, no matter how hard she worked that day or how tired she is, he always comes first. This is something I find myself struggling with being 8 months pregnant and chasing a 2 1/2 year old around all day. When Eric gets home from work, I have to remind myself that he, too, is tired and in need of a break. And yet if I ever find him relaxing, I resent him for it. "How dare he sit down when I've yet to be able to?" When realistically, I got to nap when Lyla did, got to sit down while we read books together, and lay down while Dr. Lyla fixed my "broken weg". These are times I love to reflect on the show and book for support. It's helpful to have such a strong couple to look at for advice when I find myself if a moment of weakness. It gives me the ability to think before reacting, and in turn, allows me to be a better wife.

It's also helped to tell myself that things like the laundry, dishes, cleaning, and caring for (soon to be) 2 children is MY job - just like Eric goes to work everyday, so do I. So, when Eric gets home and empties his lunch box into the sink that I had JUST cleaned, I can resent him a little less, knowing that it's more or less my job to take care of those little things, so he can have some down time after work. It's also a good feeling to know that my husband is coming home to a clean house, with his laundry folded and put away, a meal plan ready to go for dinner, and a wife who cares about him more than anything. A stay at home mom's job is to take care of the family, and being able to to that with a clear head is the best feeling. I'm not Guiliana and Eric is not Bill, but it doesn't hurt to look to them and their healthy marriage for guidance when we are both so exhausted that all we can think of is ourselves, instead of each other. And yes, I know it's a reality tv show and that no couple is perfect, but if it helps me be a more supportive wife then why not have marriage role models in my life? Eric and I both come from divorced families (not only our parents, but siblings, aunts, cousins...you name it) so seeing those who make it work is definitely something I look up to and help build a foundation for a better marriage.

This foundation has to be a marriage for us, however, and not based on the blue print of someone else's life. Like I had previously stated, Eric and I are our own people, with different personalities, different tendencies, and different approached and beliefs than any other couple out there. It would be unfair to live our lives based on someone else's. I'm sure those personal chefs, paid vacations, and abundance of money certainly helps take some of the stress off of a marriage ;) So, we do what's best for us, with a little guidance along the way, and even though we're only 8 months in, our marriage has only grown in those 8 months, and I cannot wait to watch it unfold over the years.

Lyla @ 2 1/2

Lyla is at such a fun age; I couldn't have asked for a better time to be bringing a new baby into this family. She loves her mommy/Eric time but is also very good at entertaining herself. And the things she comes up with lately are hilarious.

Her latest thing is blaming inanimate objects for her getting hurt. For example: she falls, and yells "no floor, don't hurt me!" Or, bumps her head on the sink and stands there trying to push it away so it won't bump into her again. She also tries to scold the dog by threatening things like "Petey, stop barking or you can't watch a movie later!"

The one "bad word" I slip on a lot is saying "Jesus" when I drop things, trip over the dog, etc, and Lyla has picked up on this lovely habit. Eric and I explained to her that it's not a nice thing to say, and that sometimes adults say it by accident when they're upset. So now, Lyla walks around saying "I'm not saying Jesus anymore!" but she'll repeat it over and over to say the "bad word" without really saying it. We tell her it doesn't make her sound like a very nice girl, and then she'll continue to ask "why can't we say Jesus? Mommy, I'm not saying Jesus anymore!"

She has to be the most sensitive child I've ever met; the smallest thing can create tears, especially when you tell her "no". And she always starts these crying fits by saying "No don't make me sad!!" Easy to see how parents can spoil their children; how heart breaking is that?? Sorry, Ly, you still need to eat your dinner BEFORE dessert. She usually then says something like "Mommy, don't say that, it doesn't make you sound like a nice girl"

Her little sense of humor is coming to life and it's hysterical to watch. She'll catch herself calling Eric "mommy" and then stop and say "oh man,  I just called you mommmmmmyyyyy!" and crack herself up. Or, when we tell her to use the potty, she'll go in every room in the house saying "is this the bathroom? nooooo" and giggle her way to the next room until she eventually makes it to the bathroom.

My favorite thing has to be the way she talks about being a big sister. She'll accomplish something new on the playground, and immediately state how Hannah will be too little to do that, but that she's the big sister and will teach Hannah to do it when she's a "big girl like me".

Can't wait to continue to watch my big girl grow :) So in love with being her mommy

Stay At Home Mom

Although at times I am envious of my husband for having the ability to physically GO to work everyday, I can't help but feel fortunate for the opportunity to have been a stay at home mom for nearly 3 years. Now that Lyla is nearing preschool, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I was able to stay home with her, day after day, teaching her and playing with her. I feel proud every time someone tells me how smart she is or how well mannered she can be. I like knowing that she learned so much from staying home with me, and not from a teacher or babysitter. Now, with that said, I understand that some (if not most) moms don't have the opportunity I have to stay home with their children, and need to be the bread winner of the family, leaving no choice but for daycare, early preschool, or babysitters, and by no means do I think this is wrong or lazy. It was just never my preference, and I was lucky enough to have had two men in my life who could support Lyla and myself financially, allowing me to stay home and raise my daughter.

"One down, one to go" I often think, with Lyla entering school and Hannah entering the world. Lyla and I have been brushing up on our baby sign language to teach our new baby girl; something I did with Lyla very early on and found it extremely helpful in order to communicate with my baby before she could say most things. I look forward to giving Hannah the same stay-at-home experience I did with my big girl, and feel even more confident now having gone through it.

It's definitely not always easy; it can get lonely only talking to a baby or toddler all day while everyone around you is hard at work or school with other adults. It's exhausting to have to go from activity to activity to keep Lyla entertained, burning energy, or learning new things. But I wouldn't have it any other way; when I look back at these stay-at-home years, I want to know that I worked my hardest and raised my children properly and with their best interests in mind at all times.

I am so proud of the smart, happy, enthusiastic, loving, polite girl my Lyla has grown to be, and I love every day I get to spend with her. I do, however, look forward to her going to school in the fall so that she can learn to be away from mommy, make friends, and learn things beyond what I can teach her at home. I also look forward to having those school days as alone time with our new baby girl, teaching, playing and reading, just as I've done with Lyla her whole life.

I am a very lucky mother, with a wonderful, hard working husband, and a growing family who I cannot wait to continue to watch grow and learn.

More Motherhood Realizations

While expecting Lyla, I must have read every preparatory book ever. I remember thinking to myself over and over again "I will NEVER be that mother" as I read things like "point to things on the grocery store shelves and tell your baby what they are". Now, having been a mother for nearly 3 years, it's funny how my thought process has changed.

I think partially, it had to do with the fact that I was 19, and still focused on what people thought of me: Oh God, I would die if someone came into the grocery store while I am strolling down the aisles chanting "paaaaasta, greeeen beans, tofuuuuu". But now fully in the swing of this "mother" thing, as I've matured I've realized that you will do anything for your kids, especially if it encourages learning. It may have taken a little getting used to, but I became less embarrassed about talking to my baby in public, while pointing to ridiculous items.

It's funny - what you'll do for your children. I've totally transformed into "that mom" and I'm a-okay with that :)

Forgotten Memories

Ever think that something that you may never forget could be something that other people involved may not even remember? I can't tell you how many times a friend has asked me if I remember a certain thing I had said or to recall an experience, and I either completely forgot about it until just mentioned, or don't remember it at all. For me, something I will never forget is from elementary school, and is one of the saddest thoughts and memories I have. It's something so small, and probably not remembered by the other person involved, but it's something I'll never forget.

My dad always walked me to my bus stop before school every morning. I would always sit on the side of the bus where my dad was visible outside, and we would always wave to each other as the bus lurched and headed down the street. On this one particular day, I was upset with my dad for whatever childish reason. I got on the bus, sat in my usual seat, but as the bus began to drive away and my dad waved from the street corner, I looked the other way and didn't wave back. I don't think the bus hit the bottom of the street before I immediately regretted my decision to be stubborn, and couldn't have felt worse. I was brought to tears with the thought of my dad waving to me that day, and to this day it's something I still feel horrible about. Funny how something so small & subtle can stick to you like this, haha :) Sorry dad! *waves*

2nd baby nerves

A lot about being pregnant for a 2nd time calms me: the fact that I've done this before sets my mind at ease, and raising Lyla has shown me that there is the light at the end of several tunnels - the newborn phase, nursing phase, terrible 2 phase...you get the picture. However, the unfamiliar - doubling my child load - is scaring me a bit more as my due date quickly approaches.

I think I worry most about me and Eric. When I feel this way, I tend to think I'm crazy since I've done it before with someone who I wasn't in love with and who didn't give me nearly as much support as Eric does. However, I see how the two of us can get when we get minimal sleep; it's not pretty. Not much gets done with two grumpy parents and a needy toddler. Now throw a newborn into the mix? No longer will we wonder if Lyla will have a rough night, but be sure of the fact that we'll be woken every couple of hours. On top of that, Eric will have to go to work full time on that same minimal sleep, and come home to 2 kids who crave some one-on-one attention, while I stay at home and try to fit Hannah's needs into Lyla's schedule, and keep us all as sane as possible. The good thing is that Eric and I talk about this fear frequently. All we can do is plan for the worst and hope for the best. We talk about being aware of the other persons exhaustion and not just our own, which is easier said than done when he walks through the door and all I want is his help, when all he wants is a 10 minute break from his long day.
Eric has also recently taken a test to be a corrections officer; after years of being laid off every few months as an electrician, he wants a steadier job. This one offers an amazing pension, pay, and benefits. The hours he'll likely receive on the other hand...not so amazing. It's nearly guaranteed that he will be working nights and weekend shifts. So, he will be around more during the day, but for most of that time he will be sleeping, and when it comes time for me to sleep (or get little of...) he won't be there to coach me through those frustrating nights or help with Lyla - who still loves to wake up at least once for a sip of water. I'm not sure how I'll handle doing it all on my own at night; it's much easier during the day when I can have strong coffee to keep me going, not so easy when you're functioning half asleep and juggling 2 children. Fortunately (for me), it can take up to a year for him to land a job there, and if this is the case I'm sure I'll feel confident in a schedule at that time, and be less nervous to handle the household alone come nighttime. Otherwise, it'll be survival mode for me!

I also worry about Lyla. I worry that my exhaustion will leave me less tolerant of her; my usual tactics of talking her through her temper tantrums and explaining "why" to her a thousand times may turn into ordering more time outs. I also worry about her reaction to the baby. So far, all she talks about is being mommy's helper with the baby, and being able to teach her to walk, talk, and share toys. But when reality sets in that she went from getting all of mommy's attention to half, I worry how things may be. She will act more needy, possibly regress in the potty-training department, who knows. And me, with the little sleep I'll be getting, will probably be stretching my patience level pretty thin. The last thing I want is for her to resent her sister because of how mommy's been acting since her birth.
All I can do is prepare for the worst; a method I used when I was pregnant with Lyla. I told myself she would never sleep (ever), would always cry, would have trouble eating - any negative thought about newborns I burned into my head as the only way it was going to go. This may sound horrible, but I think it made my entrance to parenthood a bit easier. When Lyla did have especially rough nights, or experienced a bit of colic, I was prepared for it. And when she was a sweet little baby, sleeping, cooing, smiling...I appreciated it even more. I turned out pretty lucky with Lyla because she was a fairly easy baby. But, knowing that every child is different, I've decided to stick to my "newborns are the worst" mind set this time, too. All the same thoughts I had with Lyla, with the added "Lyla will start to wake more often during the night" and "Eric will get put on the night shift the day after I have the baby". At least I'll be prepared.

Realistically, I know we'll be okay. It won't be easy and it will be a huge adjustment going from one to two. I also know that no matter how many parents I talk to or how many books I read, nothing can prepare me for the arrival of this baby until she's actually here. So, I'm walking into having two children blind, but with a plan: I plan to keep Lyla's schedule as normal as possible, and make Hannah's adjustments accordingly. After all, Lyla IS the one with the schedule, and Hannah is not. I plan to do all the same things with Lyla that I do now, like trips to the library, cooking dinner, reading books and tubby-time. And when she starts school in the fall, I will have my one-on-one time with little-miss. Hopefully Eric and I will learn to manage 2 children, and each other, on little sleep, and remain strong by talking through everything. We really do have a great marriage and I am lucky for that. Despite these nerves and fears, I look forward to watching our family grow.

Happiness

In the Sex & The City movie, there was always one line that has stuck out to me: the girls are discussing their love lives and how often they feel happy, and one shares that she feels happy everyday; maybe not ALL day everyday, but, everyday. Previously, this stuck out to me because I was envious. I had never been in a relationship where at some point each and everyday, I felt happy. But now, it sticks out to me because I HAVE found this. 

Even on days where we argue, Eric and I are quick to talk things over and work through them. Our ability to do this makes me appreciate him more than ever, and reflect on just how thankful I am to have him as a husband. Before we got married, we made a pact to never go go bed angry; my feeling is that if you go to bed upset, you wake up even more angry that you slept with your backs to each other all night, and the argument continues longer than it needs to. Instead, we problem solve. You have to in a marriage. You have to express your hurt or concern, but also let your guard down and put yourself in the others shoes. You need to come up with a solution and be willing to sacrifice. It's only been just over 6 months for us, and we have managed to do this well so far. I can only hope that this will become a form of habit and that we will be able to make it through whatever life throws our way. It'll sure come in handy in the next several months when sleep deprivation gets in the way of our daily lives. 

It really is nice to feel happy everyday - even if its not ALL day everyday. 

Comparisons

I always found it interesting that we all use other people to compare ourselves to constantly. These comparisons are either to make us feel better or worse about ourselves: "It doesn't matter that I skipped the gym today, so&so hasn't been in a week", "Why can't I look like her?". Why do we do this to ourselves? These people we are comparing to have nothing to do with who we are or the choices we make, so why even make the comparison?
In my opinion, the only important comparison you can make is to yourself; past and present you. Only you can learn from the mistakes that you have made. I am constantly looking back on my teenage life with such regret, but it also makes me hold my head a bit higher for where I am today, and the person I came out of those mixed up years being. But again, there is the perfect slot for comparison - "my party days weren't so bad when you think of how bad so&so's were..." Sure, this thought is comforting for a good 30 seconds, but again, it has nothing to do with me, the decisions I made or the lessons I learned from them.
Comparison comes from a place of insecurity in most cases - there is always going to be someone out there who is making a worse decision, or who is better off than you. If we feel guilty about something we have done, or poorly about something about ourselves, these other people are always going to be there to make us feel better or worse. Perhaps we need these people to keep our sanity.

Food for thought.

Fortunate

As I get older, health and fitness are becoming a bigger part of my life than ever, but I was lucky enough to have an early start on the process.

With both my parents being marathoners, I was raised in a household where exercise was just an ordinary step in their daily routine, as well as incorporated into healthy activities with me -such as hiking, biking, and walking the dog. I was also raised on the "protein, carb, and vegetable" meal plan, which I believe built the foundation for my uber-healthy eating habits today. Now, that's not to say my parents left no wiggle room; I still had my fair share of McDonalds fast food and candy bars throughout my childhood, just more moderated. 

I ran my first "race" when I was about 6 years old; it was a lap around Elm Park, and I came in 3rd overall, and first girl. Mind you, at 6, that didn't mean much since half of my competitors ran to their mommy's when they saw them on the side lines, or ran after a leaf in the wind. But, I still like to think of myself as some sort of young champion. I ran here and there for fitness growing up, but it wasn't until high school that I did it competitively - which was short lived once I needed 2 knee surgeries and suffered a fractured hip. 

Once I became pregnant with Lyla, my real health-nut-self kicked in. I went overboard with my servings of fruit, veggies, whole grains, protein, you name it. If it was good for the development of my baby, I ate it; even seaweed salads. I kept up the health food after having her for several reasons; nursing, losing the baby weight, and to keep me feeling energized to keep up with the demands of this new little life (and that extra-shot expresso helped, too). 

I began running again the summer I met Eric; my joints seemed to have rebounded after having Lyla - they seemed relieved to not be carrying that extra 30lbs any longer, and allowed me to run for exercise comfortably. We even raced my brother and father in the Fairhaven Father's Day 5k last summer. Not to brag, but, I won. 

Now pregnant with my 2nd, my eeating habits are more strict than ever. I add tofu to all my smoothies, wheat germ to all my cereal, and eat plenty of fatty, omega-3 rich foods daily. I've also added yoga and some light pilates to my 3-day-a-week gym routine. And, keeping up the moderate splurging I was brought up with, I have a cookie here or piece of chocolate there throughout the day - all natural, of course ;) 

I've never felt better, and am very fortunate to have been brought up with such good eating and exercise habits. It has paved the way for a healthy life style for both me and my family for life. Lyla loves her veggies, and I can't help but smile when I ask her what she wants to eat, and she responds with things like "lentil soup!" or "crackers with hummus!". 

Thanks, mom & dad :)