My previous post about relationship comparison sparked a conversation between Eric and I about different life styles, which lead to discussing parenthood and the advantage we may have over other couples.
Eric came into my life when Lyla was 11 months old, and quite obviously because of this, he has always known me as a mother. He had the advantage of seeing how I parent, and also see my availability (or at times, lack there of) to him on top of caring for my baby. I also had an advantage in this situation: I got to see Eric in action with Lyla. As our relationship grew and we became engaged, Eric's role with Lyla went from playful pal to respectable father figure. This was such an attractive quality because I was a package deal; I could have dated the perfect man for me, but if he wasn't good with my daughter he was getting the boot. Not to mention, the 10 month span where Eric and I were engaged & Eric became more of a disciplinary in Lyla's life, it served as a window into out lives together: could he really handle being thrown into the life of a husband and father figure all at once? From the very beginning of our relationship, we were forced to find time together after putting Lyla first. This may sound like a burden, but I truly do consider it an advantage.
Tonight, we were discussing how different our lives would have been without Lyla: I'd be working full time, we'd be going out more often, on dates more often, and not be shuffling whose turn it is for bath time. This may sound ideal, but I disagree. Having had Lyla, we built our relationship around parenthood - one of the most important aspects to any relationship in want of children. We were able to surpass the "shock factor". We didn't have to make the life style change from going out to staying in, sleeping in to up all night. I didn't have to watch my husband go from energetic and caring to exhausted and short tempered. He didn't have to watch me go from out-all-night to nursing all night. There was no arguing about how things "used to be" before baby. These were all things we were both immediately aware of given our situation, and allowed us to build our relationship and marriage on this knowledge. Eric was made aware of my parenting preferences, and although we don't always agree, he helps me raise Lyla with the same understanding and expectations that I have. This diffuses any arguments couples may have over differnt parenting methods, and paves the way for raising our future child.
Although Eric wasn't around for the newborn stage with Lyla, at least we have the advantage of the fact that one of us has gone through it. I've spent this pregnancy sharing stories of when Lyla was first born, as well as the hardships of her first several months. And even though each child will be different, I'm hoping that the fact that we, together, have been parental figures from the get-go will only help us with the arrival of our baby girl. It'll still be a shock for us both, going from one to two; from an easy going toddler to a needy newborn, but with the experience we have and the support from one another, I'm confident in us.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Relationship Comparisons
Admittedly, one of my newest and most favorite reality TV shows is Guiliana & Bill - a show that follows the life of a famous married couple through hardships of work, infertility, pregnancy loss, breast cancer, and true love. This couple is always leaving me in amazement of their ability to work through things, and treat each other with the love and respect that a marriage deserves. People have called them "the perfect couple" and it's not hard to see why after watching their show. I've even begun reading their book: I do, Now What? - loaded with advice on how to keep things fresh after vows are exchanged. And, being a newly wed, this is all of great interest to me. However, watching their show and reading their book has made me realize some hard facts that I think more couples need to open their eyes to.
You are you, and your spouse is your spouse. Plain and simple. I feel so lucky to be able to watch such a role model couple grow on national television, and know that I share a lot of that same amazement within my own marriage - but at times it can make me wish, too. I find myself thinking things like "I wish I could react that calmly" or "I wish Eric would do that" but these thoughts are not fair. The husband, Bill, on the show seems like the most cool, calm & collected man on this planet - never raising his voice or getting overworked. My husband on the other hand has enough testosterone to make up for the fact that he will soon be out numbered 3 to 1 in this house with the arrival of baby Hannah in June. And because of this, he may overreact to things I wish he didn't, or respond in a way that is not favorable. But that's who he is, and being his wife, it is my job to not only accept him for who HE is, but to talk to him about it. And the wife, Guiliana, is constantly putting herself aside for her hubby, no matter how hard she worked that day or how tired she is, he always comes first. This is something I find myself struggling with being 8 months pregnant and chasing a 2 1/2 year old around all day. When Eric gets home from work, I have to remind myself that he, too, is tired and in need of a break. And yet if I ever find him relaxing, I resent him for it. "How dare he sit down when I've yet to be able to?" When realistically, I got to nap when Lyla did, got to sit down while we read books together, and lay down while Dr. Lyla fixed my "broken weg". These are times I love to reflect on the show and book for support. It's helpful to have such a strong couple to look at for advice when I find myself if a moment of weakness. It gives me the ability to think before reacting, and in turn, allows me to be a better wife.
It's also helped to tell myself that things like the laundry, dishes, cleaning, and caring for (soon to be) 2 children is MY job - just like Eric goes to work everyday, so do I. So, when Eric gets home and empties his lunch box into the sink that I had JUST cleaned, I can resent him a little less, knowing that it's more or less my job to take care of those little things, so he can have some down time after work. It's also a good feeling to know that my husband is coming home to a clean house, with his laundry folded and put away, a meal plan ready to go for dinner, and a wife who cares about him more than anything. A stay at home mom's job is to take care of the family, and being able to to that with a clear head is the best feeling. I'm not Guiliana and Eric is not Bill, but it doesn't hurt to look to them and their healthy marriage for guidance when we are both so exhausted that all we can think of is ourselves, instead of each other. And yes, I know it's a reality tv show and that no couple is perfect, but if it helps me be a more supportive wife then why not have marriage role models in my life? Eric and I both come from divorced families (not only our parents, but siblings, aunts, cousins...you name it) so seeing those who make it work is definitely something I look up to and help build a foundation for a better marriage.
This foundation has to be a marriage for us, however, and not based on the blue print of someone else's life. Like I had previously stated, Eric and I are our own people, with different personalities, different tendencies, and different approached and beliefs than any other couple out there. It would be unfair to live our lives based on someone else's. I'm sure those personal chefs, paid vacations, and abundance of money certainly helps take some of the stress off of a marriage ;) So, we do what's best for us, with a little guidance along the way, and even though we're only 8 months in, our marriage has only grown in those 8 months, and I cannot wait to watch it unfold over the years.
You are you, and your spouse is your spouse. Plain and simple. I feel so lucky to be able to watch such a role model couple grow on national television, and know that I share a lot of that same amazement within my own marriage - but at times it can make me wish, too. I find myself thinking things like "I wish I could react that calmly" or "I wish Eric would do that" but these thoughts are not fair. The husband, Bill, on the show seems like the most cool, calm & collected man on this planet - never raising his voice or getting overworked. My husband on the other hand has enough testosterone to make up for the fact that he will soon be out numbered 3 to 1 in this house with the arrival of baby Hannah in June. And because of this, he may overreact to things I wish he didn't, or respond in a way that is not favorable. But that's who he is, and being his wife, it is my job to not only accept him for who HE is, but to talk to him about it. And the wife, Guiliana, is constantly putting herself aside for her hubby, no matter how hard she worked that day or how tired she is, he always comes first. This is something I find myself struggling with being 8 months pregnant and chasing a 2 1/2 year old around all day. When Eric gets home from work, I have to remind myself that he, too, is tired and in need of a break. And yet if I ever find him relaxing, I resent him for it. "How dare he sit down when I've yet to be able to?" When realistically, I got to nap when Lyla did, got to sit down while we read books together, and lay down while Dr. Lyla fixed my "broken weg". These are times I love to reflect on the show and book for support. It's helpful to have such a strong couple to look at for advice when I find myself if a moment of weakness. It gives me the ability to think before reacting, and in turn, allows me to be a better wife.
It's also helped to tell myself that things like the laundry, dishes, cleaning, and caring for (soon to be) 2 children is MY job - just like Eric goes to work everyday, so do I. So, when Eric gets home and empties his lunch box into the sink that I had JUST cleaned, I can resent him a little less, knowing that it's more or less my job to take care of those little things, so he can have some down time after work. It's also a good feeling to know that my husband is coming home to a clean house, with his laundry folded and put away, a meal plan ready to go for dinner, and a wife who cares about him more than anything. A stay at home mom's job is to take care of the family, and being able to to that with a clear head is the best feeling. I'm not Guiliana and Eric is not Bill, but it doesn't hurt to look to them and their healthy marriage for guidance when we are both so exhausted that all we can think of is ourselves, instead of each other. And yes, I know it's a reality tv show and that no couple is perfect, but if it helps me be a more supportive wife then why not have marriage role models in my life? Eric and I both come from divorced families (not only our parents, but siblings, aunts, cousins...you name it) so seeing those who make it work is definitely something I look up to and help build a foundation for a better marriage.
This foundation has to be a marriage for us, however, and not based on the blue print of someone else's life. Like I had previously stated, Eric and I are our own people, with different personalities, different tendencies, and different approached and beliefs than any other couple out there. It would be unfair to live our lives based on someone else's. I'm sure those personal chefs, paid vacations, and abundance of money certainly helps take some of the stress off of a marriage ;) So, we do what's best for us, with a little guidance along the way, and even though we're only 8 months in, our marriage has only grown in those 8 months, and I cannot wait to watch it unfold over the years.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Lyla @ 2 1/2
Lyla is at such a fun age; I couldn't have asked for a better time to be bringing a new baby into this family. She loves her mommy/Eric time but is also very good at entertaining herself. And the things she comes up with lately are hilarious.
Her latest thing is blaming inanimate objects for her getting hurt. For example: she falls, and yells "no floor, don't hurt me!" Or, bumps her head on the sink and stands there trying to push it away so it won't bump into her again. She also tries to scold the dog by threatening things like "Petey, stop barking or you can't watch a movie later!"
The one "bad word" I slip on a lot is saying "Jesus" when I drop things, trip over the dog, etc, and Lyla has picked up on this lovely habit. Eric and I explained to her that it's not a nice thing to say, and that sometimes adults say it by accident when they're upset. So now, Lyla walks around saying "I'm not saying Jesus anymore!" but she'll repeat it over and over to say the "bad word" without really saying it. We tell her it doesn't make her sound like a very nice girl, and then she'll continue to ask "why can't we say Jesus? Mommy, I'm not saying Jesus anymore!"
She has to be the most sensitive child I've ever met; the smallest thing can create tears, especially when you tell her "no". And she always starts these crying fits by saying "No don't make me sad!!" Easy to see how parents can spoil their children; how heart breaking is that?? Sorry, Ly, you still need to eat your dinner BEFORE dessert. She usually then says something like "Mommy, don't say that, it doesn't make you sound like a nice girl"
Her little sense of humor is coming to life and it's hysterical to watch. She'll catch herself calling Eric "mommy" and then stop and say "oh man, I just called you mommmmmmyyyyy!" and crack herself up. Or, when we tell her to use the potty, she'll go in every room in the house saying "is this the bathroom? nooooo" and giggle her way to the next room until she eventually makes it to the bathroom.
My favorite thing has to be the way she talks about being a big sister. She'll accomplish something new on the playground, and immediately state how Hannah will be too little to do that, but that she's the big sister and will teach Hannah to do it when she's a "big girl like me".
Can't wait to continue to watch my big girl grow :) So in love with being her mommy
Her latest thing is blaming inanimate objects for her getting hurt. For example: she falls, and yells "no floor, don't hurt me!" Or, bumps her head on the sink and stands there trying to push it away so it won't bump into her again. She also tries to scold the dog by threatening things like "Petey, stop barking or you can't watch a movie later!"
The one "bad word" I slip on a lot is saying "Jesus" when I drop things, trip over the dog, etc, and Lyla has picked up on this lovely habit. Eric and I explained to her that it's not a nice thing to say, and that sometimes adults say it by accident when they're upset. So now, Lyla walks around saying "I'm not saying Jesus anymore!" but she'll repeat it over and over to say the "bad word" without really saying it. We tell her it doesn't make her sound like a very nice girl, and then she'll continue to ask "why can't we say Jesus? Mommy, I'm not saying Jesus anymore!"
She has to be the most sensitive child I've ever met; the smallest thing can create tears, especially when you tell her "no". And she always starts these crying fits by saying "No don't make me sad!!" Easy to see how parents can spoil their children; how heart breaking is that?? Sorry, Ly, you still need to eat your dinner BEFORE dessert. She usually then says something like "Mommy, don't say that, it doesn't make you sound like a nice girl"
Her little sense of humor is coming to life and it's hysterical to watch. She'll catch herself calling Eric "mommy" and then stop and say "oh man, I just called you mommmmmmyyyyy!" and crack herself up. Or, when we tell her to use the potty, she'll go in every room in the house saying "is this the bathroom? nooooo" and giggle her way to the next room until she eventually makes it to the bathroom.
My favorite thing has to be the way she talks about being a big sister. She'll accomplish something new on the playground, and immediately state how Hannah will be too little to do that, but that she's the big sister and will teach Hannah to do it when she's a "big girl like me".
Can't wait to continue to watch my big girl grow :) So in love with being her mommy
Friday, April 13, 2012
Stay At Home Mom
Although at times I am envious of my husband for having the ability to physically GO to work everyday, I can't help but feel fortunate for the opportunity to have been a stay at home mom for nearly 3 years. Now that Lyla is nearing preschool, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I was able to stay home with her, day after day, teaching her and playing with her. I feel proud every time someone tells me how smart she is or how well mannered she can be. I like knowing that she learned so much from staying home with me, and not from a teacher or babysitter. Now, with that said, I understand that some (if not most) moms don't have the opportunity I have to stay home with their children, and need to be the bread winner of the family, leaving no choice but for daycare, early preschool, or babysitters, and by no means do I think this is wrong or lazy. It was just never my preference, and I was lucky enough to have had two men in my life who could support Lyla and myself financially, allowing me to stay home and raise my daughter.
"One down, one to go" I often think, with Lyla entering school and Hannah entering the world. Lyla and I have been brushing up on our baby sign language to teach our new baby girl; something I did with Lyla very early on and found it extremely helpful in order to communicate with my baby before she could say most things. I look forward to giving Hannah the same stay-at-home experience I did with my big girl, and feel even more confident now having gone through it.
It's definitely not always easy; it can get lonely only talking to a baby or toddler all day while everyone around you is hard at work or school with other adults. It's exhausting to have to go from activity to activity to keep Lyla entertained, burning energy, or learning new things. But I wouldn't have it any other way; when I look back at these stay-at-home years, I want to know that I worked my hardest and raised my children properly and with their best interests in mind at all times.
I am so proud of the smart, happy, enthusiastic, loving, polite girl my Lyla has grown to be, and I love every day I get to spend with her. I do, however, look forward to her going to school in the fall so that she can learn to be away from mommy, make friends, and learn things beyond what I can teach her at home. I also look forward to having those school days as alone time with our new baby girl, teaching, playing and reading, just as I've done with Lyla her whole life.
I am a very lucky mother, with a wonderful, hard working husband, and a growing family who I cannot wait to continue to watch grow and learn.
"One down, one to go" I often think, with Lyla entering school and Hannah entering the world. Lyla and I have been brushing up on our baby sign language to teach our new baby girl; something I did with Lyla very early on and found it extremely helpful in order to communicate with my baby before she could say most things. I look forward to giving Hannah the same stay-at-home experience I did with my big girl, and feel even more confident now having gone through it.
It's definitely not always easy; it can get lonely only talking to a baby or toddler all day while everyone around you is hard at work or school with other adults. It's exhausting to have to go from activity to activity to keep Lyla entertained, burning energy, or learning new things. But I wouldn't have it any other way; when I look back at these stay-at-home years, I want to know that I worked my hardest and raised my children properly and with their best interests in mind at all times.
I am so proud of the smart, happy, enthusiastic, loving, polite girl my Lyla has grown to be, and I love every day I get to spend with her. I do, however, look forward to her going to school in the fall so that she can learn to be away from mommy, make friends, and learn things beyond what I can teach her at home. I also look forward to having those school days as alone time with our new baby girl, teaching, playing and reading, just as I've done with Lyla her whole life.
I am a very lucky mother, with a wonderful, hard working husband, and a growing family who I cannot wait to continue to watch grow and learn.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
More Motherhood Realizations
While expecting Lyla, I must have read every preparatory book ever. I remember thinking to myself over and over again "I will NEVER be that mother" as I read things like "point to things on the grocery store shelves and tell your baby what they are". Now, having been a mother for nearly 3 years, it's funny how my thought process has changed.
I think partially, it had to do with the fact that I was 19, and still focused on what people thought of me: Oh God, I would die if someone came into the grocery store while I am strolling down the aisles chanting "paaaaasta, greeeen beans, tofuuuuu". But now fully in the swing of this "mother" thing, as I've matured I've realized that you will do anything for your kids, especially if it encourages learning. It may have taken a little getting used to, but I became less embarrassed about talking to my baby in public, while pointing to ridiculous items.
It's funny - what you'll do for your children. I've totally transformed into "that mom" and I'm a-okay with that :)
I think partially, it had to do with the fact that I was 19, and still focused on what people thought of me: Oh God, I would die if someone came into the grocery store while I am strolling down the aisles chanting "paaaaasta, greeeen beans, tofuuuuu". But now fully in the swing of this "mother" thing, as I've matured I've realized that you will do anything for your kids, especially if it encourages learning. It may have taken a little getting used to, but I became less embarrassed about talking to my baby in public, while pointing to ridiculous items.
It's funny - what you'll do for your children. I've totally transformed into "that mom" and I'm a-okay with that :)
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