4th of July

2 years ago on the 4th of July, Eric made the 90 minute drive to my (mom's) house in Rutland for the first time. It was 9pm - after Lyla was sure to be asleep - and the first time we had seen each other in 3 years. When he arrived, my mom hung out at home with my sleeping baby girl, while Eric and I walked up to the neighborhood play ground and sat on the swings; it was here that I gave him my "I'm not looking for a boyfriend" speech, along with a detailed dating plan of going on 100 dates with someone before I declared them my boyfriend, and dating several people before making this decision. I was determined that after the mess I had been through with Lyla's father, the next person I dated exclusively would be the person I would marry; good enough not only for me, but for my daughter too. Even though I knew I liked Eric right away, I convinced myself that all I was interested in was a friendship. That is, until later that night after spending hours talking and getting to know each other over beers and mikes hard lemonade. We kissed each other good-bye before he left, and that was it - 2 weeks later we were "exclusively dating" and he shot my plan to shit. 

Fast forward 2 years, and not only are we married, but we have a beautiful baby girl. We spent the 4th this year reflecting on how crazy this all is, but most important, how happy we are. We've already overcome what is said to be 2 out of the 3 hardest things a couple will go through: planning a wedding and having a baby. Next on the list is buying a house, but I think that with our similar taste and ideas, we'll breeze through that obstacle, too. 

Who would have thought that the cute guy I gave my number to in Providence 5 years ago would be the man I married and had children with. All I know is that I'm glad he drove to Rutland that 4th of July. 

Craziness ;) 

Managing

Just shy of 3 weeks into this "mother of 2" thing, and it's definitely had it's ups and downs. Everyone keeps asking me how it's going, and I always tell them it's both easier and harder than I expected. Some things have been fairly easy, like balancing time with the two girls - today I even managed to treat Lyla to a little mani-pedi and a hair cut while Hannah was napping. But then other things, like going places, has been much more difficult than I anticipated. Example: last Tuesday at our library's story time, Lyla was feeling particularly sensitive and had a total melt down, forcing me to carry her out kicking and screaming under one arm while balancing Hannah's car seat and massive diaper bag in the other. It can be especially difficult to get anywhere with a baby who nurses every 2 hours on the dot; by the time she's fed and I get both girls ready, take the dog out, pack the diaper bag, and get out the door, it's practically time to feed her again. What makes it easier, however, is that this is my 2nd round of this.

I keep telling Eric that I feel like I'm on auto-pilate right now, knowing that the newborn phase of constant nursing and night-waking will soon pass, and I'm just muscling through it. It's also allowing me to enjoy her at this age more-so than I felt I could do with Lyla. Having Lyla really makes me realize how fast they grow up, since it seems like just yesterday it was her I was cluster feeding, and now we're planning her 3rd birthday party - and because of this I'm trying to soak in every moment of this tiny-baby phase, because before I know it she'll be talking, crawling, walking, and being defiant and fresh ;)

Lyla still has her sensitive days - as expected, but for the most part she seems well adjusted to her baby sister's arrival. She pays her more attention, and even gets a bit possessive of her when others ask to hold her; saying things like "but she's my baby sister". However, the other day she did ask me and Eric if we could leave baby Hannah home while we all went for ice cream. She's also quick to be fresh or repeat something she was asked not to do in order to receive the extra attention - even if it is negative attention. This behavior has pushed my patience to the limit, and Lyla has experienced a much less tolerant mother than she is used to, and is becoming well acquainted with her time-out chair. She has this way of saying "I'm sorry" that absolutely breaks my heart, though, and is usually let off the hook much quicker with me than she would be with Eric. Plus, I feel some-what responsible for her new less-than-favorable behavior, since I'm the one who brought this little crying bundle into her life. If anything, she probably gets more attention from me now than she did before Hannah was here, but to her, any time I'm with the baby is time taken away from her - even if that time was previously spent doing the dishes or laundry or other things that didn't include her.

So, to say the least, we are managing. The baby's settling into a schedule, Lyla's adjusting to the best of her ability, and Eric and I continue to make an insanely fabulous team. Can't wait to watch the following weeks and months unfold - the good and difficult

I'm Impressed

I have to admit that so far, I'm pretty impressed with myself. I've managed to keep both kids not only alive, but fed, bathed, well dressed, and played with. On top of that, the laundry, dishes and cleaning hasn't gotten entirely out of control, and I've managed to get Petey outside in time for him to do his business. I've even kept Lyla's schedule as normal as possible, having taken her to story time at the library on Tuesday and her gymnastics play group on Friday. I did push my luck, however, by adding a mall trip to our day on Friday, where Lyla was pushing my buttons and the baby was letting the world know she was ready for lunch. I had my first meltdown when I got home from that trip - but after 10 days of nearly nothing to complain about, I guess it was time for a good "holy shit" moment. I even made Eric proud when I tossed one of Lyla's sippy cups onto the kitchen floor out of frustration that it would not fit into our over packed dish washer. He said this little act let him know that I'm indeed human, and not super woman. Not to mention, my first week on my own with both kids happened to be the week that Eric was asked to work 10-hour shifts in order to get a job done by a deadline. All in all, I really can't complain.

Lyla has been the tougher of the two. She's been testing my patience and her luck by purposely doing things she knows she shouldn't be, like throwing water out of the bath, or pulling the dogs tail. But as frustrating as it can be, especially since I am a bit more tired these days, I had prepared myself for these outbursts and cries for attention, so it doesn't always seem so bad. Some days I have more patience for it, and other days she spends quite a bit of time sitting in time out. But keeping her involved with the baby has been a huge help; she loves to get me diapers, help pick out little outfits, and rock her sister in her swing. As long as she feels like she's helping, she does just fine. But when the baby cries and needs to eat (aka steal mommy's attention), that's another story.

The baby has been wonderful. She's only given us one rough night's sleep so far, and otherwise is a totally happy and content little girl - until she gets hungry; then she lets you know just how much noise a person her size is capable of. She stays awake for 1-2 hours at a time between feedings, and then will nap for a couple of hours. It's perfect because it gives me time to color, do puzzles, or paint nails with Lyla, and by the time Hannah wakes up and needs to feed again, Lyla seems content with our time together and is more apt to be independent for a while.

When I had Lyla, I was so afraid to go anywhere. This time is so different, having already left the house on a daily basis and continuing on with our normal lives - but just bringing a baby along, too. On Wednesday we'll be heading to Maine with my mom. I'm mostly excited for Lyla, because she will get loads of extra attention from Grammy, and be able to do her favorite beach activities: finding sea shells and sea glass. We also plan to take her to York Zoo, which I know she'll love. I'll enjoy the break too, whether my mom is holding the baby so I can be more engaged with Lyla, or spending more time with Hannah while my mom takes Ly. Plus, there's always fabulous food involved when you stay with Deb, and when Eric joins us Friday after work, it'll be a nice mini-vacation for us after 2 weeks of 10-hour work shifts for him.

So far so good with this mom-of-two thing.

"She's Here!"

^ This was the text message my friends received on Tuesday, June 12th, without any warning at all of me being in labor. Hell, I barely had any warning of being in labor. All those rumors about exercise during pregnancy making for a shorter labor are definitely true.

At 12:15 my water began to break, so I called Eric to give him the heads up that he may have to leave work early. And it's a good thing he did - he was at work a half hour away, and once he got to the hospital, little Hannah made her grand (and fast) appearance into the world within 45 minutes. From start to finish, my entire labor was less than 3 hours. Certainly beats the 25 hour labor I had with Lyla. However, it went so fast that I didn't have time for my beloved and much wanted epidural, so this little girl was born all natural.

The entire first day she was born, I was in shock. It was almost too fast to fathom what had just happened. I kept asking Eric if i was dreaming, especially because for some reason, I was in very little pain afterwards. I was up and walking within minutes of my delivery. All of our visitors were poking fun at me for being in such disbelief of Hannah actually being here. It didn't feel real. And on top of that, she was an amazing nurser and sleeper. What? Is this newborn for real? I had to wake her during the night for all her feedings otherwise she would have slept right through them. Foreign territory for me since Lyla was up nearly every hour as a newborn - and even still wakes during the night at almost 3 years old.

And as if all of that wasn't enough to make me question if I was dreaming, Eric and I have been getting along better than ever. He's been simply amazing; if he's not holding Hannah, he's playing with Lyla. If he's not with the girls, he's helping with the dishes. Another foreign territory for me. Aren't we supposed to be sleep deprived and arguing over who works harder and who got the most sleep? He even took a week off from work after Hannah was born to stay home and help me adjust to everything. I keep waiting for the storm to roll in since this feels like the calm. It can't be this good, this easy, can it?

Hannah is doing amazing. She nurses so well that I've nearly lost all my pregnancy weight and she's only 9 days old. Unfortunately my belly won't fully shrink until my uterus goes back to its normal size in about 5 weeks. But this little girl loves to eat and sleep - it's made the adjustment from 1 to 2 much easier with her being such a good baby. She only cries when she's hungry, and once she's fed she's either contently awake until her next feeding, or snoozing away. This has made for an easy adjustment for Lyla, too. She pretty much ignores her most of the time, until she's fussy and ready to eat. Then Lyla will pretend to cry and say "no Mommy, I need you" which broke my heart the first time she said it. But I've incorporated her into Hannah's feedings by reading her favorite books to her, which so far as worked out well.

It's hard to believe that Hannah's really here. Just over a week ago we were doing all we could to start my labor, and now she's really here. She's perfect, with 10 fingers and 10 toes, happy, and healthy. Hard to believe Lyla was ever that little, and even harder to believe that Hannah will grow up to be a big girl like her sister. I'm appreciating all these surprisingly easy days, and prepared for the hard days to come. But either way I'm enjoying the ride and loving watching our family grow. So glad you're here, baby girl!

Now vs. Then

I can't tell you how different it is expecting a child with your husband, who you are in love with, in comparison to an unplanned pregnancy with someone you had no real feelings for. I've said it once and I'll say it again - it has all made me realize why people wait until marriage to be intimate with one another. Of course, you can't look back and regret, because then I would never have had Lyla, the little love of my life, and I can't imagine life without her. I am, however, looking forward to having a different experience with the birth of Hannah.

I love thinking back to when Eric and I first started dating - it was so fun and filled with childhood giddiness. All the cliche high school moments from counting the days until we saw each other again, to the "no, you hang up first" phone conversations. I would time Lyla's nap perfectly to give myself enough time to primp myself for my man's arrival, and give us a few moments of "gosh, i missed you so much" hugs and kisses before she woke up. We spent our days at the playground with my baby girl, and our nights sipping wine and getting to know each other. I was always surprised at how well he did with Lyla, and how he never felt he was missing out on going on dates or out with friends all the time. He was the guy I never thought I'd find, and 4 months later when we were engaged, I knew he'd be the guy that never got away.

Now 9 month into our marriage - and 9 months pregnant, I can't help but feel a different form of excitement about the arrival of our baby Hannah. I almost feel guilty talking about this, because I never want Lyla to read this and think that I love her any less than her sister just because circumstances with her father we different. In fact, with all the love I have for Lyla, I'm wondering how I can produce enough for our newest addition to the family. But, as I've been told by all moms with more than one child, there's always enough.

Most of my excitement comes from the thought of Eric seeing and holding his daughter for the first time. This is a moment I never experienced with Lyla, because I was more concerned with my friends love and emotions towards my new daughter than those of her own father. I couldn't wait to show her off to all my other friends and family members, and never really had that "new family" feeling. This time, there will be no one in the delivery room for support except for my husband, and when she finally makes her grand entrance into the world, I cannot wait to basque in that moment - just us 3. We just get to stare at her and know that we made her because we love each other. And then, of course, Lyla will join us to meet her baby sister, and our family of 4 will be complete. I have asked my mom to bring Lyla in before any other visitors so she can be one of the first to hold and bond with her. I can't imagine the mess of emotions I will be that day, watching the two people I love most in this world welcome this little (or not so little if she stays in there much longer!) bundle of joy into our family.

This little girl will have all the love in the world, that's for sure.
We cannot wait! So, what are you waiting for little Hannah!?

Friendships

One thing I absolutely cannot stand is a selfish person. I think I have such a limited group of really good friends because a friendship, much like a relationship, takes effort. And why put in effort for someone who isn't worth your time or doesn't show any interest in you?

I have had the same best friend my whole life - literally; all (nearly) 23 years of it. And my other close friends I have known since our early teen years. What makes our friendships flourish is our effort to stay in each others lives, and also, to show an interest. If a friend has been sick, I want to make sure they are feeling better. If they enter a new relationship or end an old one, I want all the details. And what's better is that I know the questions will be returned. These friends contact me regularly about my daughter, marriage, pregnancy, you name it. And sure, these are all facts they can gather on their own with the wonderful world of the social media, and my tell-all approach to it, so it's comforting that they make the extra phone call or visit to catch up on things I'm sure they've read about.

I've recently noticed how many people had been in my life because I was the only one making the effort. I made the plans, I asked the questions, I held the friendship together. So, after our wedding, I put some serious thought into not only who I care enough about to keep in our new lives, but who cared enough about us to be in them. Needless to say, I've lost contact with several people who I thought I needed, and have felt no change whatsoever. My small group of friends still remains strong, and all I need.

I'm a ridiculously friendly person; always saying hi, always showing an interest in others lives, always smiling - so when I go about my norm, and don't even get an "and how are you?" in return, I just realize how much of my energy I just wasted on pretending I was interested in what this person has been up to. I guess because of how friendly I am, I don't understand how someone can sit there and talk about themselves for quite some time, and never even give the other person the time of day. Who doesn't love to talk about themselves? Most people, especially girls, do. But it takes a back-n-forth conversation to sustain a true friendship.

Breaks My Heart

Lately, out of no where, Lyla has often been asking about her father. She'll say things like "Eric is my step daddy, but where's my daddy?" Although I reply with a very nonchalant "Your daddy is just at work", it makes me more sad than you know.

May 17th will be one year since Lyla has seen her dad, and I can't help but think of how unfortunate that is - mainly for him. Think of all he has missed. Sometimes when I go to the gym for an hour, Eric will have taught her something new while I was gone and I am sad to have missed that, let alone a whole year of learning, development, and love. I also feel sad for Lyla that someone can up and walk out of her life like that. I'm just glad it happened when she was so young. However, because Ben and I still currently have shared legal custody, he has the ability to walk back in at any ol' time. Because of this, I feel that it is my job to not shut out the idea of "daddy" completely.

He's still in her baby books, which for months I debated on whether or not to remove them. We've gone through them in the past few months in preparation for baby Hannah, so I can show Lyla how little she used to be, and how much she's grown. But for now, I left pictures of Ben inside so that if he does decide to come walking back in, she has some idea of what he looks like, who he is, and that he used to be around. It doesn't seem to bother her, though, because when she comes across his picture, she'll just happily state "and that's my daddy" and move on to naming other people and things inside the book. Lyla was shy of 2 when she last saw him, and lucky for that, she has no real understanding of what his absence really means. Even though it doesn't make her sad, it really breaks my heart to hear her ask about him, and just know that he exists and doesn't see her. I feel even more guilty now because he recently lost his job, so now when I tell Lyla he's at work, I'm lying.

It's not my job to take out my anger with him on the subject with Lyla. It's my job as her mother to protect her, and that doesn't involve making negative remarks about her father infront of her. I never carry on a conversation about him, but when he is brought up, I just handle it calmly and change the subject. Everyone asks us if we have her call Eric "daddy", and we don't. I've always said that it is her decision; Eric is not her biological father, but he is her dad in the sense that he lives with us, helps raise her, and loves her as if she were his own blood. Even if Ben never comes back in, Lyla will never be without a father figure. And if she decides to join the band wagon after Hannah arrives and call Eric "daddy", then it's her choice. If she calls him Eric for the rest of her life, than that's okay too.

As any mother would say, I just want what's best for my little girl. I want her to be raised well, knowing right from wrong, protect her from what I can, and give her endless amounts of love. Knowing someone can walk out on someone so precious is a painful thought, but it only makes me thrive to be the best mother I can be, knowing (or feeling like) I have some void in her to fill on my own.