Last night and all throughout today, my anxiety has been a roller coaster ride. Between Lyla's first day of school and her father suddenly wanting to re-involve himself in her life, I've had lots on my mind within a very short time frame. Each time I begin to feel my heart race or tears well up, I try to become "Momma Zen" by acknowledging how I am feeling, and then taking steps to calm myself down through gentle breathing and little "pep-talks". I remind myself that I cannot control certain situations, and that I shouldn't clog my mind with thoughts of possible scenarios which I cannot change, or prevent.
Easier said than done.
I may find a minute or two of relief from these thoughts, fears, and anxiety, just to slowly slip back into my own thoughts of the inevitable. I have pits, where I focus on the negative: no, this isn't what I want and peaks, where I find some peace: I can do this, it will be okay.
So I lit some candles, put on a little DMB, and got out of my own head.
Don't focus on what you cannot change
Everything happens for a reason
You are the one controlling your emotions
Chanting inside my head, over and over again until my heart is beating at a normal rate.
Breathe
I'm realizing that I create my own anxiety by remembering the past, and focusing on the "what ifs"
I have to stop doing this.
Again, easier said than done.
Somehow, these thoughts continue to creep back in and plague my mind.
Inhale belly rise, exhale belly fall
I can't change the past. I can't predict the future. All I can do is focus on today, and appreciate the breaks I can find from my own mind - even minimally.
It's a process. And a difficult one. But I'll always continue to work towards mindfulness to better myself. No one wants a stressed out mother, wife, daughter, or friend. I can be the best me I can be by continuing to practice an empty mind. I'll struggle today for an easier tomorrow.
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