Making Memories

Growing up, I have the fondest memories of times with my father and grandfather. My dad and I would go bowling or ice skating together, and as I got older we shared common interests like running and hiking, which we loved to do together. My grandfather and I would always take a trip to the candy store, go fishing, ride bikes (well, I would ride up and down this one hill, while he watched). Having such great memories myself, I can only hope to create new ones for Lyla and soon to be Hannah.

Last year, I began to celebrate Lyla's half-birthday (February 5th, 6 months before her actual birthday). The idea I had with this was to always bake a cake, and decorate it into 2 halves - why not have an excuse to eat cake one more time a year, eh? And as she grows older, I can be "corny mom" who cuts everything in her lunch box that day in half, and just acknowledge the day.

I really hope that both Lyla and Hannah continue to develop a strong, special relationship, with not only me, but with Eric. With the baby due less than 4 months from now, we've talked about what our schedules will be like. Since Hannah will be born at the tail end of Spring, there have been lots of talk about taking the girls to the park once Eric gets home from work; he and Lyla can toss a ball around the field while I sit on the swing and look on at our little growing family (aww, how cliche). But I truly hope this happens; these can be the great things Lyla remembers about having a newborn sister, and also her one-on-one time with Eric, since it may be a bit neglected after learning to share Mommy.

I also hope Lyla continues to stay close with her grandparents. She has such a special bond with not only my parents, but Eric's parents too. Eric's mom, especially, took to her quickly since her 3 children had none of their own, and she has always wanted to be a grandmother. Lyla would never know that her "Gramma-Dre" isn't her biological grandmother. I am so grateful for the relationship they have established. She will go from having no grandchildren to having 3 in a matter of a year, with both myself and Eric's sister now expecting. I know that even with the addition of these two little ones, and the needs of Amy's baby who will be born at least 6 weeks premature, that Lyla will always have the best memories and special bond with Eric's family.

Lyla and my mother have an especially close bond; they talk on the phone daily, they spend time together every few weeks, and she is without a doubt one of Lyla's favorite people. Eric and I are always joking that it's because she is the cliche grandmother; doesn't let her cry, gives in to anything she wants, and is always stocked with goodies. Lyla loves to visit her home in Maine and spend time on the beach finding seashells and sea glass. I know that these are traditions my mother is sure to keep up and it will always be something Lyla looks forward to and looks back on with fondness.

Grampy's house is always one of Lyla's favorite places to visit. She loves to play with Petey (the dog) and Jami (the cat), and have her spoiled-time of Barney videos on repeat. Her and my dad also often watch little programs on the computer;  spending time YouTube-ing sesame street and other clips. I get a kick out of listening to them both crack up laughing together. And in the warm weather, Grampy's pool is always one of Ly's favorite places to be, especially with her cousins.

I couldn't be more grateful for all these great & growing relationships Lyla has with our family. I only hope that she has the best memories in life, and cannot wait to be a part of creating them with her and her baby sister.

Pregnancy is Scary

It's absolutely amazing what the body can do. I am in constant "aw" of how despite from eating well and exercising, I have to do nothing at all but sit back and watch my belly grow; my body takes care of the rest, naturally. However, the lack of control is also very scary to think about.

At the beginning of my pregnancy, I experienced bleeding on several occasions, one time where they were unable to find the baby's heart beat. I was put on bed rest twice, but only for one day each time. At these moments, all I wanted was to be able to peak inside my belly and see if everything was okay. Somehow, going to the doctor once a month doesn't seem like nearly enough. Something happens nearly everyday to leave me worried: was that box I just lifted too heavy? Am I really not supposed to reach for things on the top shelf? Is Lyla sitting on my belly hurting little Hannah? It's been a day since I've felt her move...is everything alright in there?! It's terrifying. Day by day, truckin' along, just assuming everything is peachy until the next doctor visit, then you start all over again until next month's visit. And you're never really in the clear until that baby is out, breathing, and declared healthy.

And then there's the totally unexpected. My sister in law Amy is 28 weeks pregnant, and her water began to break today. Now, she will be hospitalized for the next 6 weeks, but could go into labor anytime between now and then. I can't imagine how she's feeling.

As for me, all I can do is continue to do all the right things; eat pregnancy appropriate foods, keep up with my exercise routine, and pray for the best. Sometimes I feel like I'm pushing my luck having a second child, where my pregnancy with Lyla was perfection and she was born full term, totally healthy, and has been the best little kid. But I can't fear what I can't control, and can only hope that things will go smoothly from here on out. Grow little Hannah, grow!

(10lbs down, 20 to go!)

Never Enough

As I'm sure most parents feel, I want nothing but the best for my little girl (soon to be girls). I have our day down to a science, making sure that I limit TV as much as possible to leave the day open for arts and crafts, puzzles, reading, etc...but somehow I'm constantly left feeling like it's never enough - like I could always be doing more. 

At one point in everyday I start to feel like a lazy parent; each morning she watches a couple shows on disney/nick junior, and just before dinner we always let her pick out a movie to watch. Her choices vary from Sesame Street, Baby Einstein, and Winnie the Pooh for the most part; all fairly educational, but I'm always second guessing myself at this "movie time". Is it bad that I've made a daily movie a habit instead of a treat? We totally could have colored a few more pictures during that time, or have read a few more books...but then I also know that every child needs their own down time too. The same goes for babysitters. Her only babysitters her whole life have been family, and knowing that Lyla has a love for movies has become a habit here, too. Now, given, I'd rather her be happy watching a movie or 2 while Eric and I go on a date or run some errands, but I can't help but feel like she's missing out on quality "bonding" or playtime. So, once again, knowing that when these occasions come up she'll be in front of the TV for the duration of the time, I spend extra time burning energy and playing throughout the day. 

Realistically, I know I'm doing enough as a parent. I include her in nearly all my daily activities - including cooking, she is always learning new things - from shapes and numbers to how things work, and she is the happiest little girl, always laughing and smiling. She's also rarely bored; she can sit there and play with one toy or paint a picture for 45 minutes at a time, and simply move to the next thing without a fuss. I think a lot of her need to be entertained comes from ME having that need more than her. I guess as a mother, you never want to look back and regret anything. So, I bust my ass everyday to be the best mother I can be, but there's always going to be a feeling that I can be doing more. 

Back to Work

Today, for the first time since our honeymoon, Eric has gone back to work. I'm so excited for him, because he was going stir crazy at home after going from working 40 hour weeks to attending story time and playing dress up with me and Lyla. He's installing solar panels, which is the new "fad", and its a local job so he won't be spending 3 hours commuting like he was with his previous job. I thought I'd burst into tears once he returned to work, since I had been feeling so homesick, but actually, it couldn't have come at a better time.

Our new apartment is ready to go; fresh coats of paint on everything, floors are refinished, and everything is clean enough to eat off of. So luckily, while Eric is busy at work, I can keep myself busy at home; packing, organizing, and taking trips back and forth from our current place to our new one. Not to mention, the forecast for the week is in the upper 40s, so I'll be able to eat up the day with trips to the playground and time spent outdoors. I'm also keeping myself busy by constantly being on the job hunt; I'm lucky to have taken such a turn for the better and feel well enough to massage through my pregnancy. Now if I can only find somewhere accommodating to work!

La la la...

Old Friends

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My friend Joanna came to visit for lunch this afternoon, and being able to catch up with her was amazing. However, I found myself throwing the same pity-party I've been having about feeling homesick once she went home.

Joanna and I became close when I was about 7 months pregnant with Lyla. She is my close friend Michaela's older sister, and when I moved into my first apartment, she lived upstairs. We quickly developed a friendship by chatting during these long walks we'd go on, and she was a great help once little Lyla was born - she was the reason I was able to shower. Couldn't have made it through those first several months without her!

When she walked through the door this afternoon, we immediately picked up where we had left off; catching up on work, relationships, future plans, etc. It was nice to just be myself for a change and talk to someone as me, Lauren: the friend, mother, and story teller I always have been, instead of the new girl. This all made me realize that as much as I am looking forward to creating a life for myself here in Fairhaven, that I really just miss those old friends who already know your stories, and who can share anything with you. And of course I also realize that as I make new friends, these qualities will all be found in them in time, too. Just getting there is so difficult.

I still have all my "old friends", of course. But it's the fact that they can't swing by for a quick visit, or grab a cup of coffee that has me feeling so far away. Now visits have to be planned way in advance, and are usually a day long event - which, is fine, but it's not the same as knowing they're down the street, either.

Eric, being the supportive husband that he is, has talked to me several times about moving to Worcester together, but it's me who really wants to give Fairhaven a chance. I fear that if I were to run back home, I'd never leave. Not that it would be the end of the world to buy a house and raise my children in or near Worcester, but I would feel like I failed at moving away. Not to mention, Worcester isn't what is used to be anymore; all my close friends have moved away to Boston or other surrounding areas for school or work, my dad is back to working part time, and my mother moved to Maine. So, even though I would have the comfort of being familiar with the city, that's pretty much it. Although, it IS where all my friends would come home for holidays and family visits...(my head loves to play this vollyball game...)

So, we have decided that I will give Fairhaven a fair chance; I'll give it a couple years. Lyla will be in school, allowing me to interact with more parents, I will hopefully be working, allowing me to socialize with coworkers, and it will give me more time to get established. And if after all that, it's still a struggle, when it comes time to buying a home, we may look back towards Worcester. I could have more job opportunities there since I know more people, and I would have more free-day-care options, too. So, we'll see. Only time will tell.

But for now, it was fabulous to catch up with an old friend, even if it did leave me missing home a bit more. 

Eager for Court

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Not only am I anxious to get Ben back to court to get all the money he owes me, but I am beyond anxious to get full custody of Lyla. A thought that plagues my mind on a daily basis is what would happen if I were to die. Dramatic, yes. But how unfair is our court system that if something happened to me, even though Lyla has not seen her father in 9 months, lives with Eric and I, and has been raised by us both in a stable, loving, healthy environment, that she would automatically go to Ben. Blood is thicker than water, yes, but since when does blood decide what is in my daughter's best interest?

Especially now, where she has lived in Fairhaven for a year, is closer with Eric's family than she is with my own, will soon have a little sister, will go to school here, have friends here...Ben can still rip her away with one signiture from everything she knows. I would be rolling in my grave having to watch her be raised in day cares, on fast food, and in a smoke filled house. This thought drives me absolutely crazy!

Ben has made no attempt to see Lyla since May of 2011; over 9 months and counting. Every now and then he'll send me a text saying "when can I see my daughter", to which I reply "whenever you want", but he never actually follows through with anything. For the longest time I put off letting him talk to her on the phone or see pictures of her, because in my mind I'm thinking: If you want to hear her voice or see what she looks like, then come see her damn it. But, after talking to Eric's aunt who works for a law firm, she advised me to allow the holiday phone calls and occasional pictures as long as he was being civil. Little did he know, Lyla doesn't know who he is anymore, and when he called on Christmas, all he got was a quick "merry christmas" before she tossed the phone back my way.

I really have no interest to have any sort of relationship with him. I told him I'd only be talking to him if he asked for a specific time and date to see Lyla, hoping it would avoid the never ending "why don't you let me see my daughter" text messages. Fail. Once a month or so he will ask for a picture, and then go on his usual rant of how I never let him see her, or talk to her, or even let him know how she's doing. ...Hello!? Did he not hear me say to come over and see her anytime? One of his pre-holiday text-wars was pretty humerous; he claimed that I am insane, and he does not feel safe with Lyla being alone with me. He claimed to insinuate a psych evaluation the next time we are in court, and that if I do not keep him informed on how Lyla is, he will send police to my house to check. When I told Eric this, we both contemplated calling the Fairhaven Police ourselves and sending Ben what we know would be an excellent report...but decided against it.

It's scary, though, to know that since he still has shared legal custody, he can walk through that door and back into her life at anytime. And just to be clear, it's not that I don't want him involved. I just don't want him SOMETIMES involved. If he's going to be her dad, then do it; see her, call her, make the effort. If not, then step aside and allow us to move on with our lives. He knows he has us dangling by a string with all this, and he loves it. Me gaining full custody would still allow him to develop a relationship with Lyla if he wishes, it would just put me in the driver seat. I wouldn't have to allow over nights or holidays, or any of the things he doesn't deserve. I wouldn't have to call him with every doctors trip or school function; things would be a lot easier.

He really doesn't know what he wants. He went from saying that Lyla wasn't his, to him wanting full custody; to him wanting to give up his parental rights, to "when can I see my daughter" text messages. Dealing with the constant unknown is exhausting. I hope we reach a point soon where we can return to court and get the rest of this settled. If he does choose to give up his rights again at any point (which I can see happening if I win full custody), then I will be quick to give up my child support and do a single parent adoption (or to have Eric adopt her) to get him the hell out of here. If things go the other way and he wants to re-establish a relationship with Lyla, then we'll just have to take it one step at a time.

Lyla deserves the best. Some people say that having her biological father involved would be what's best for her, but Ben has done nothing to prove that to me. He has put his anger with me infront of a relationship with his daughter, he has ignored safety issues that I had brought up with him (regarding her car seat), he has given her food that I repeatedly told him upset Lyla's stomach. He always returned her smelling of smoke and she would scream bloody murder whenever she was passed over to him for his visitation. With that said, I do not know what went on behind closed doors; for all I know they had the best time and her time was spent doing things that were age-appropriate and in some ways intellectually stimulating. However, knowing how his family raises his 3 (now 4) half brothers (in front of a tv, literally, all day) and based on Lyla's behavior when she went with him and came home, I have solid reasons to believe otherwise.

To me, the best thing for a child is stability. And right now, Ben has nothing to do with that word. Me and Eric ARE Lyla's stability, and it's hard to know that with one door bell ring, all of that can change. 

More Kids?

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Even though this baby is still 4 months away from being born, I've had so many people ask me if we plan on having more. If you asked me a couple of months ago, I said no on the impulse of feeling so sick and tired. Now if you ask me, I still say no, but am not sure that's so likely.

When the thought of having more kids comes into play, my immediate thought is how eager I am to work. I graduated from massage therapy school in 2008, and became pregnant with Lyla within weeks. From there, the struggles of pregnancy, a new born, and an unhappy relationship prevented me from doing nearly any massaging. Then, it was leaving Lyla's father, moving in with my mother, falling in love with Eric and planning a wedding that prevented me from doing anything more than part-time. And now? Pregnant again. It's partially my fault, the non working part, that is, because I declared from day one that my children would never be put into a day care. So aside from working part time for the last 2 years (where I brought Lyla with me), I stayed home and devoted all my time and attention to raising my daughter. Now, come May, she will be old enough to begin pre-school which would have given me the chance to work, but again, pregnant. And due one month after she is elligable for school. As happy as I am to be expecting again, it will be another 3 years before I could begin to work part-time as a massage therapist, and another 5 or 6 before a full time position, when both of my children will be in full-day school. So with me being Mrs. Eager when it comes to work, I think I would go crazy to add yet ANOTHER 5 or 6 years onto my already haulted work-time by having a 3rd child. However, I have never really given massage therapy a fighting chance before now, and for all I know doing a few home visits during the week and working at a gym or spa on weekends would be fulfilling enough for me, and still allow time at home to raise my children. Who knows, only time will tell.

Another factor? No birth control for me. I have a tiny heart murmur, and for some reason, birth control makes it go wild causing chest pain, and a numbness in my left arm - weird, right? Doctors couldn't tell me exactly what causes it; all they know is that all symptoms go away when I went off birth control. And because I was on a low-dose no hormone pill to begin with, my doctor wasn't willing to experiment to see what did and didn't give me a heart attack, and therefore, I just don't take it. Eric and I learned the hard way last fall that condoms aren't always reliable, and that the morning after pill doesn't work. So what are we to do? We don't think we want more children, and yet preventing it hasn't worked in the past. Eric always jokes that he doesn't see me "not getting knocked up" in the next 20 years. I suppose this one is in God's hands.

And then there's money. Women who want but don't have children have asked me what you can do to prepapre for a baby, and I always say the same thing: you'll never be prepared enough, you just have to be willing to make all the necessary sacrifices once you do become pregnant and a mother. However, with our 2nd child on the way and future talk of more, finances have definitely come into play. A 3rd child would mean that we, the parents, would be out numbered. It also means another college fund, more difficult outtings, more expensive vacations, etc. I always talk about how less is more; I fear that adding more children to the mix will cause Lyla and (soon to be) Hannah to miss out on certain things in life because we couldn't afford them; art, gym or sports classes, vacations, the school of their dreams, a nice home... However, I'm also the biggest advocate of the phrase "everything happens for a reason" so, if #3 does come along, I'm sure we will make it work and make sure that our children have the best lives possible.

So, more kids you ask? We really just have no idea.