Ever think that something that you may never forget could be something that other people involved may not even remember? I can't tell you how many times a friend has asked me if I remember a certain thing I had said or to recall an experience, and I either completely forgot about it until just mentioned, or don't remember it at all. For me, something I will never forget is from elementary school, and is one of the saddest thoughts and memories I have. It's something so small, and probably not remembered by the other person involved, but it's something I'll never forget.
My dad always walked me to my bus stop before school every morning. I would always sit on the side of the bus where my dad was visible outside, and we would always wave to each other as the bus lurched and headed down the street. On this one particular day, I was upset with my dad for whatever childish reason. I got on the bus, sat in my usual seat, but as the bus began to drive away and my dad waved from the street corner, I looked the other way and didn't wave back. I don't think the bus hit the bottom of the street before I immediately regretted my decision to be stubborn, and couldn't have felt worse. I was brought to tears with the thought of my dad waving to me that day, and to this day it's something I still feel horrible about. Funny how something so small & subtle can stick to you like this, haha :) Sorry dad! *waves*
Friday, March 30, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
2nd baby nerves
A lot about being pregnant for a 2nd time calms me: the fact that I've done this before sets my mind at ease, and raising Lyla has shown me that there is the light at the end of several tunnels - the newborn phase, nursing phase, terrible 2 phase...you get the picture. However, the unfamiliar - doubling my child load - is scaring me a bit more as my due date quickly approaches.
I think I worry most about me and Eric. When I feel this way, I tend to think I'm crazy since I've done it before with someone who I wasn't in love with and who didn't give me nearly as much support as Eric does. However, I see how the two of us can get when we get minimal sleep; it's not pretty. Not much gets done with two grumpy parents and a needy toddler. Now throw a newborn into the mix? No longer will we wonder if Lyla will have a rough night, but be sure of the fact that we'll be woken every couple of hours. On top of that, Eric will have to go to work full time on that same minimal sleep, and come home to 2 kids who crave some one-on-one attention, while I stay at home and try to fit Hannah's needs into Lyla's schedule, and keep us all as sane as possible. The good thing is that Eric and I talk about this fear frequently. All we can do is plan for the worst and hope for the best. We talk about being aware of the other persons exhaustion and not just our own, which is easier said than done when he walks through the door and all I want is his help, when all he wants is a 10 minute break from his long day.
Eric has also recently taken a test to be a corrections officer; after years of being laid off every few months as an electrician, he wants a steadier job. This one offers an amazing pension, pay, and benefits. The hours he'll likely receive on the other hand...not so amazing. It's nearly guaranteed that he will be working nights and weekend shifts. So, he will be around more during the day, but for most of that time he will be sleeping, and when it comes time for me to sleep (or get little of...) he won't be there to coach me through those frustrating nights or help with Lyla - who still loves to wake up at least once for a sip of water. I'm not sure how I'll handle doing it all on my own at night; it's much easier during the day when I can have strong coffee to keep me going, not so easy when you're functioning half asleep and juggling 2 children. Fortunately (for me), it can take up to a year for him to land a job there, and if this is the case I'm sure I'll feel confident in a schedule at that time, and be less nervous to handle the household alone come nighttime. Otherwise, it'll be survival mode for me!
I also worry about Lyla. I worry that my exhaustion will leave me less tolerant of her; my usual tactics of talking her through her temper tantrums and explaining "why" to her a thousand times may turn into ordering more time outs. I also worry about her reaction to the baby. So far, all she talks about is being mommy's helper with the baby, and being able to teach her to walk, talk, and share toys. But when reality sets in that she went from getting all of mommy's attention to half, I worry how things may be. She will act more needy, possibly regress in the potty-training department, who knows. And me, with the little sleep I'll be getting, will probably be stretching my patience level pretty thin. The last thing I want is for her to resent her sister because of how mommy's been acting since her birth.
All I can do is prepare for the worst; a method I used when I was pregnant with Lyla. I told myself she would never sleep (ever), would always cry, would have trouble eating - any negative thought about newborns I burned into my head as the only way it was going to go. This may sound horrible, but I think it made my entrance to parenthood a bit easier. When Lyla did have especially rough nights, or experienced a bit of colic, I was prepared for it. And when she was a sweet little baby, sleeping, cooing, smiling...I appreciated it even more. I turned out pretty lucky with Lyla because she was a fairly easy baby. But, knowing that every child is different, I've decided to stick to my "newborns are the worst" mind set this time, too. All the same thoughts I had with Lyla, with the added "Lyla will start to wake more often during the night" and "Eric will get put on the night shift the day after I have the baby". At least I'll be prepared.
Realistically, I know we'll be okay. It won't be easy and it will be a huge adjustment going from one to two. I also know that no matter how many parents I talk to or how many books I read, nothing can prepare me for the arrival of this baby until she's actually here. So, I'm walking into having two children blind, but with a plan: I plan to keep Lyla's schedule as normal as possible, and make Hannah's adjustments accordingly. After all, Lyla IS the one with the schedule, and Hannah is not. I plan to do all the same things with Lyla that I do now, like trips to the library, cooking dinner, reading books and tubby-time. And when she starts school in the fall, I will have my one-on-one time with little-miss. Hopefully Eric and I will learn to manage 2 children, and each other, on little sleep, and remain strong by talking through everything. We really do have a great marriage and I am lucky for that. Despite these nerves and fears, I look forward to watching our family grow.
I think I worry most about me and Eric. When I feel this way, I tend to think I'm crazy since I've done it before with someone who I wasn't in love with and who didn't give me nearly as much support as Eric does. However, I see how the two of us can get when we get minimal sleep; it's not pretty. Not much gets done with two grumpy parents and a needy toddler. Now throw a newborn into the mix? No longer will we wonder if Lyla will have a rough night, but be sure of the fact that we'll be woken every couple of hours. On top of that, Eric will have to go to work full time on that same minimal sleep, and come home to 2 kids who crave some one-on-one attention, while I stay at home and try to fit Hannah's needs into Lyla's schedule, and keep us all as sane as possible. The good thing is that Eric and I talk about this fear frequently. All we can do is plan for the worst and hope for the best. We talk about being aware of the other persons exhaustion and not just our own, which is easier said than done when he walks through the door and all I want is his help, when all he wants is a 10 minute break from his long day.
Eric has also recently taken a test to be a corrections officer; after years of being laid off every few months as an electrician, he wants a steadier job. This one offers an amazing pension, pay, and benefits. The hours he'll likely receive on the other hand...not so amazing. It's nearly guaranteed that he will be working nights and weekend shifts. So, he will be around more during the day, but for most of that time he will be sleeping, and when it comes time for me to sleep (or get little of...) he won't be there to coach me through those frustrating nights or help with Lyla - who still loves to wake up at least once for a sip of water. I'm not sure how I'll handle doing it all on my own at night; it's much easier during the day when I can have strong coffee to keep me going, not so easy when you're functioning half asleep and juggling 2 children. Fortunately (for me), it can take up to a year for him to land a job there, and if this is the case I'm sure I'll feel confident in a schedule at that time, and be less nervous to handle the household alone come nighttime. Otherwise, it'll be survival mode for me!
I also worry about Lyla. I worry that my exhaustion will leave me less tolerant of her; my usual tactics of talking her through her temper tantrums and explaining "why" to her a thousand times may turn into ordering more time outs. I also worry about her reaction to the baby. So far, all she talks about is being mommy's helper with the baby, and being able to teach her to walk, talk, and share toys. But when reality sets in that she went from getting all of mommy's attention to half, I worry how things may be. She will act more needy, possibly regress in the potty-training department, who knows. And me, with the little sleep I'll be getting, will probably be stretching my patience level pretty thin. The last thing I want is for her to resent her sister because of how mommy's been acting since her birth.
All I can do is prepare for the worst; a method I used when I was pregnant with Lyla. I told myself she would never sleep (ever), would always cry, would have trouble eating - any negative thought about newborns I burned into my head as the only way it was going to go. This may sound horrible, but I think it made my entrance to parenthood a bit easier. When Lyla did have especially rough nights, or experienced a bit of colic, I was prepared for it. And when she was a sweet little baby, sleeping, cooing, smiling...I appreciated it even more. I turned out pretty lucky with Lyla because she was a fairly easy baby. But, knowing that every child is different, I've decided to stick to my "newborns are the worst" mind set this time, too. All the same thoughts I had with Lyla, with the added "Lyla will start to wake more often during the night" and "Eric will get put on the night shift the day after I have the baby". At least I'll be prepared.
Realistically, I know we'll be okay. It won't be easy and it will be a huge adjustment going from one to two. I also know that no matter how many parents I talk to or how many books I read, nothing can prepare me for the arrival of this baby until she's actually here. So, I'm walking into having two children blind, but with a plan: I plan to keep Lyla's schedule as normal as possible, and make Hannah's adjustments accordingly. After all, Lyla IS the one with the schedule, and Hannah is not. I plan to do all the same things with Lyla that I do now, like trips to the library, cooking dinner, reading books and tubby-time. And when she starts school in the fall, I will have my one-on-one time with little-miss. Hopefully Eric and I will learn to manage 2 children, and each other, on little sleep, and remain strong by talking through everything. We really do have a great marriage and I am lucky for that. Despite these nerves and fears, I look forward to watching our family grow.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Happiness
In the Sex & The City movie, there was always one line that has stuck out to me: the girls are discussing their love lives and how often they feel happy, and one shares that she feels happy everyday; maybe not ALL day everyday, but, everyday. Previously, this stuck out to me because I was envious. I had never been in a relationship where at some point each and everyday, I felt happy. But now, it sticks out to me because I HAVE found this.
Even on days where we argue, Eric and I are quick to talk things over and work through them. Our ability to do this makes me appreciate him more than ever, and reflect on just how thankful I am to have him as a husband. Before we got married, we made a pact to never go go bed angry; my feeling is that if you go to bed upset, you wake up even more angry that you slept with your backs to each other all night, and the argument continues longer than it needs to. Instead, we problem solve. You have to in a marriage. You have to express your hurt or concern, but also let your guard down and put yourself in the others shoes. You need to come up with a solution and be willing to sacrifice. It's only been just over 6 months for us, and we have managed to do this well so far. I can only hope that this will become a form of habit and that we will be able to make it through whatever life throws our way. It'll sure come in handy in the next several months when sleep deprivation gets in the way of our daily lives.
It really is nice to feel happy everyday - even if its not ALL day everyday.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Comparisons
I always found it interesting that we all use other people to compare ourselves to constantly. These comparisons are either to make us feel better or worse about ourselves: "It doesn't matter that I skipped the gym today, so&so hasn't been in a week", "Why can't I look like her?". Why do we do this to ourselves? These people we are comparing to have nothing to do with who we are or the choices we make, so why even make the comparison?
In my opinion, the only important comparison you can make is to yourself; past and present you. Only you can learn from the mistakes that you have made. I am constantly looking back on my teenage life with such regret, but it also makes me hold my head a bit higher for where I am today, and the person I came out of those mixed up years being. But again, there is the perfect slot for comparison - "my party days weren't so bad when you think of how bad so&so's were..." Sure, this thought is comforting for a good 30 seconds, but again, it has nothing to do with me, the decisions I made or the lessons I learned from them.
Comparison comes from a place of insecurity in most cases - there is always going to be someone out there who is making a worse decision, or who is better off than you. If we feel guilty about something we have done, or poorly about something about ourselves, these other people are always going to be there to make us feel better or worse. Perhaps we need these people to keep our sanity.
Food for thought.
In my opinion, the only important comparison you can make is to yourself; past and present you. Only you can learn from the mistakes that you have made. I am constantly looking back on my teenage life with such regret, but it also makes me hold my head a bit higher for where I am today, and the person I came out of those mixed up years being. But again, there is the perfect slot for comparison - "my party days weren't so bad when you think of how bad so&so's were..." Sure, this thought is comforting for a good 30 seconds, but again, it has nothing to do with me, the decisions I made or the lessons I learned from them.
Comparison comes from a place of insecurity in most cases - there is always going to be someone out there who is making a worse decision, or who is better off than you. If we feel guilty about something we have done, or poorly about something about ourselves, these other people are always going to be there to make us feel better or worse. Perhaps we need these people to keep our sanity.
Food for thought.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Fortunate
As I get older, health and fitness are becoming a bigger part of my life than ever, but I was lucky enough to have an early start on the process.
With both my parents being marathoners, I was raised in a household where exercise was just an ordinary step in their daily routine, as well as incorporated into healthy activities with me -such as hiking, biking, and walking the dog. I was also raised on the "protein, carb, and vegetable" meal plan, which I believe built the foundation for my uber-healthy eating habits today. Now, that's not to say my parents left no wiggle room; I still had my fair share of McDonalds fast food and candy bars throughout my childhood, just more moderated.
I ran my first "race" when I was about 6 years old; it was a lap around Elm Park, and I came in 3rd overall, and first girl. Mind you, at 6, that didn't mean much since half of my competitors ran to their mommy's when they saw them on the side lines, or ran after a leaf in the wind. But, I still like to think of myself as some sort of young champion. I ran here and there for fitness growing up, but it wasn't until high school that I did it competitively - which was short lived once I needed 2 knee surgeries and suffered a fractured hip.
Once I became pregnant with Lyla, my real health-nut-self kicked in. I went overboard with my servings of fruit, veggies, whole grains, protein, you name it. If it was good for the development of my baby, I ate it; even seaweed salads. I kept up the health food after having her for several reasons; nursing, losing the baby weight, and to keep me feeling energized to keep up with the demands of this new little life (and that extra-shot expresso helped, too).
I began running again the summer I met Eric; my joints seemed to have rebounded after having Lyla - they seemed relieved to not be carrying that extra 30lbs any longer, and allowed me to run for exercise comfortably. We even raced my brother and father in the Fairhaven Father's Day 5k last summer. Not to brag, but, I won.
Now pregnant with my 2nd, my eeating habits are more strict than ever. I add tofu to all my smoothies, wheat germ to all my cereal, and eat plenty of fatty, omega-3 rich foods daily. I've also added yoga and some light pilates to my 3-day-a-week gym routine. And, keeping up the moderate splurging I was brought up with, I have a cookie here or piece of chocolate there throughout the day - all natural, of course ;)
I've never felt better, and am very fortunate to have been brought up with such good eating and exercise habits. It has paved the way for a healthy life style for both me and my family for life. Lyla loves her veggies, and I can't help but smile when I ask her what she wants to eat, and she responds with things like "lentil soup!" or "crackers with hummus!".
Thanks, mom & dad :)
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Lauren, the brat-child
After just writing a blog about what great memories I have with my family, I'm reminded of how many horrible memories I have with my friends, mainly because of spoiled little ol' me, myself, and I.
I don't even know how my best friend Sarah and I have stayed best friends for nearly 23 years now. I have the guiltiest childhood memories with her of me being a total and utter brat. A few memories in particular:
As kids, we would often play house, and argue over who would play the Mommy role and the Baby role. Time after time if I didn't get to play the one I wanted, I would threaten Sarah with the idea of me going home (oooooooh), and Sarah would normally give in and I would get my way. Until this one day where Sarah and her brother Brendan decided to say "okay, fine, go home then". I think I made it half way down the stairs before I turned around and waved my white flag. "Fine, I'll be the Mom....GOSH".
Another time I remember so crisply was after a trip to McDonalds. Sarah and I each got milkshakes to accompany our super-healthy big Macs. Me, being the brat that I was, happened to notice that one milk shake was filled up more than the other. When Sarah (slow motion, imagine) went to sip from the straw of the filled one, ("Noooooooo") I grabbed it right out of her mouth, took a sip, and ran into the house to eat my Big Mac victoriously. I have actually felt so badly about this shake-snatch that YEARS later when Sarah was sick, I brought her a McDonalds milk shake and asked them to fill it to the very top.
And for some grand reason, she stayed friends with me. She was just my Maid of Honor in my wedding, and is the God Mother of Lyla and soon to be Hannah, too.
All parents say that they don't want their children to end up like they were, and I can say more than ever that I agree with this statement; not even for the high school party phase, but the early childhood total brat phase too. Not that my parents did a bad job necessarily, but I was definitely spoiled. I hope that I can tone down the spoiled brat in Lyla that every child turns into at one point or another. Or, i just hope that she has great friends like me ;)
I don't even know how my best friend Sarah and I have stayed best friends for nearly 23 years now. I have the guiltiest childhood memories with her of me being a total and utter brat. A few memories in particular:
As kids, we would often play house, and argue over who would play the Mommy role and the Baby role. Time after time if I didn't get to play the one I wanted, I would threaten Sarah with the idea of me going home (oooooooh), and Sarah would normally give in and I would get my way. Until this one day where Sarah and her brother Brendan decided to say "okay, fine, go home then". I think I made it half way down the stairs before I turned around and waved my white flag. "Fine, I'll be the Mom....GOSH".
Another time I remember so crisply was after a trip to McDonalds. Sarah and I each got milkshakes to accompany our super-healthy big Macs. Me, being the brat that I was, happened to notice that one milk shake was filled up more than the other. When Sarah (slow motion, imagine) went to sip from the straw of the filled one, ("Noooooooo") I grabbed it right out of her mouth, took a sip, and ran into the house to eat my Big Mac victoriously. I have actually felt so badly about this shake-snatch that YEARS later when Sarah was sick, I brought her a McDonalds milk shake and asked them to fill it to the very top.
And for some grand reason, she stayed friends with me. She was just my Maid of Honor in my wedding, and is the God Mother of Lyla and soon to be Hannah, too.
All parents say that they don't want their children to end up like they were, and I can say more than ever that I agree with this statement; not even for the high school party phase, but the early childhood total brat phase too. Not that my parents did a bad job necessarily, but I was definitely spoiled. I hope that I can tone down the spoiled brat in Lyla that every child turns into at one point or another. Or, i just hope that she has great friends like me ;)
Making Memories
Growing up, I have the fondest memories of times with my father and grandfather. My dad and I would go bowling or ice skating together, and as I got older we shared common interests like running and hiking, which we loved to do together. My grandfather and I would always take a trip to the candy store, go fishing, ride bikes (well, I would ride up and down this one hill, while he watched). Having such great memories myself, I can only hope to create new ones for Lyla and soon to be Hannah.
Last year, I began to celebrate Lyla's half-birthday (February 5th, 6 months before her actual birthday). The idea I had with this was to always bake a cake, and decorate it into 2 halves - why not have an excuse to eat cake one more time a year, eh? And as she grows older, I can be "corny mom" who cuts everything in her lunch box that day in half, and just acknowledge the day.
I really hope that both Lyla and Hannah continue to develop a strong, special relationship, with not only me, but with Eric. With the baby due less than 4 months from now, we've talked about what our schedules will be like. Since Hannah will be born at the tail end of Spring, there have been lots of talk about taking the girls to the park once Eric gets home from work; he and Lyla can toss a ball around the field while I sit on the swing and look on at our little growing family (aww, how cliche). But I truly hope this happens; these can be the great things Lyla remembers about having a newborn sister, and also her one-on-one time with Eric, since it may be a bit neglected after learning to share Mommy.
I also hope Lyla continues to stay close with her grandparents. She has such a special bond with not only my parents, but Eric's parents too. Eric's mom, especially, took to her quickly since her 3 children had none of their own, and she has always wanted to be a grandmother. Lyla would never know that her "Gramma-Dre" isn't her biological grandmother. I am so grateful for the relationship they have established. She will go from having no grandchildren to having 3 in a matter of a year, with both myself and Eric's sister now expecting. I know that even with the addition of these two little ones, and the needs of Amy's baby who will be born at least 6 weeks premature, that Lyla will always have the best memories and special bond with Eric's family.
Lyla and my mother have an especially close bond; they talk on the phone daily, they spend time together every few weeks, and she is without a doubt one of Lyla's favorite people. Eric and I are always joking that it's because she is the cliche grandmother; doesn't let her cry, gives in to anything she wants, and is always stocked with goodies. Lyla loves to visit her home in Maine and spend time on the beach finding seashells and sea glass. I know that these are traditions my mother is sure to keep up and it will always be something Lyla looks forward to and looks back on with fondness.
Grampy's house is always one of Lyla's favorite places to visit. She loves to play with Petey (the dog) and Jami (the cat), and have her spoiled-time of Barney videos on repeat. Her and my dad also often watch little programs on the computer; spending time YouTube-ing sesame street and other clips. I get a kick out of listening to them both crack up laughing together. And in the warm weather, Grampy's pool is always one of Ly's favorite places to be, especially with her cousins.
I couldn't be more grateful for all these great & growing relationships Lyla has with our family. I only hope that she has the best memories in life, and cannot wait to be a part of creating them with her and her baby sister.
Last year, I began to celebrate Lyla's half-birthday (February 5th, 6 months before her actual birthday). The idea I had with this was to always bake a cake, and decorate it into 2 halves - why not have an excuse to eat cake one more time a year, eh? And as she grows older, I can be "corny mom" who cuts everything in her lunch box that day in half, and just acknowledge the day.
I really hope that both Lyla and Hannah continue to develop a strong, special relationship, with not only me, but with Eric. With the baby due less than 4 months from now, we've talked about what our schedules will be like. Since Hannah will be born at the tail end of Spring, there have been lots of talk about taking the girls to the park once Eric gets home from work; he and Lyla can toss a ball around the field while I sit on the swing and look on at our little growing family (aww, how cliche). But I truly hope this happens; these can be the great things Lyla remembers about having a newborn sister, and also her one-on-one time with Eric, since it may be a bit neglected after learning to share Mommy.
I also hope Lyla continues to stay close with her grandparents. She has such a special bond with not only my parents, but Eric's parents too. Eric's mom, especially, took to her quickly since her 3 children had none of their own, and she has always wanted to be a grandmother. Lyla would never know that her "Gramma-Dre" isn't her biological grandmother. I am so grateful for the relationship they have established. She will go from having no grandchildren to having 3 in a matter of a year, with both myself and Eric's sister now expecting. I know that even with the addition of these two little ones, and the needs of Amy's baby who will be born at least 6 weeks premature, that Lyla will always have the best memories and special bond with Eric's family.
Lyla and my mother have an especially close bond; they talk on the phone daily, they spend time together every few weeks, and she is without a doubt one of Lyla's favorite people. Eric and I are always joking that it's because she is the cliche grandmother; doesn't let her cry, gives in to anything she wants, and is always stocked with goodies. Lyla loves to visit her home in Maine and spend time on the beach finding seashells and sea glass. I know that these are traditions my mother is sure to keep up and it will always be something Lyla looks forward to and looks back on with fondness.
Grampy's house is always one of Lyla's favorite places to visit. She loves to play with Petey (the dog) and Jami (the cat), and have her spoiled-time of Barney videos on repeat. Her and my dad also often watch little programs on the computer; spending time YouTube-ing sesame street and other clips. I get a kick out of listening to them both crack up laughing together. And in the warm weather, Grampy's pool is always one of Ly's favorite places to be, especially with her cousins.
I couldn't be more grateful for all these great & growing relationships Lyla has with our family. I only hope that she has the best memories in life, and cannot wait to be a part of creating them with her and her baby sister.
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