Fear of Flying

It's amazing how becoming a mother has the ability to change your views on nearly everything. For instance, before we booked our honeymoon in Cancun, I had never had a fear of flying; if the plane went down before, it was just me. But now? The plane goes down, or I go missing in Mexico, and my daughter's life will change dramatically. And although these are far-fetched fears, it's hard to do anything that would even have a 1% chance of putting my child's life through such turmoil; mainly because it seems no matter what I write in my will, or how hard my family fights, she will end up with her biological father, Ben. The thought of this nearly caused me to forget the honeymoon all together.

It's so unfair, that although he has wished to give up his rights, and although he hasn't seen her in nearly 4 months, that because she is simply biologically linked to him, he gets rights over anyone else in our family who sees her daily; who knows the things she likes and how she acts. Who knows her favorite songs, books, and games. Who knows HER. And for this, I think our court system is pretty (bleepin) messed up. How is it in my daughter's best interest to be put in day care all day everyday while he works his 60 hour/week shifts? Or to be raised in a household where 24 hour tv and smoking are okay? I'll tell you right now, if anything does happen to me and he gets her, I will be rolling in my grave.

As a mother I feel that no one will ever be good enough for my girl. Hell, even sometimes I don't feel like I'm good enough for her. But I do all I can to make sure she's eating healthy, read to daily, plays outside, watches limited tv, and also has down time. I guess I feel that no one will put in such an effort with her since they will never be her mother, and I know that a life with Ben will mean junk food, no bed time, and the tv-babysitter.

But regardless, we leave for cancun in 17 days, because I know I can't live my life in fear. Though it has definitely taken away from some of the excitement I should be feeling to have quality time with my new husband in a different country. And even if it doesn't do anything in the long run, I do plan to write a will. And I do hope that all my friends and family, if the worst is to happen, will fight to the death for that child. She deserves nothing but the best.