Reassuring

There is no better reassurance than happiness. For every moment in my day that i feel truly happy, I am proud of myself for making the life decisions that I did. I could look back and be embarrassed or ashamed about parts of my past, but like I've blogged before, I don't think I'd be where I am today without the mistakes, lessons learned, or decisions made.

I feel this reassurance most with my husband. Not only is it a great feeling to know that I have a happy, loving marriage, but it's a constant pat on the back for the tough decision of leaving Lyla's father. Then, I wanted nothing more than Lyla's parents to be together: live together, raise her together. Now, I know that a parent is not defined by blood or biology, and that I am not a bad person for "breaking up her family" as I've previously been blamed for. Mind you, the one who did that blaming has not seen my beautiful daughter in over a year - ahem. I occasionally think back to how unhappy I was, and how forced everything felt. It makes me beyond appreciative of what I now have with Eric; how naturally everything comes, even the most simple things, like being nice to each other or helping out. I feel so lucky to go to bed each night and wake up each morning truly happy, and I can't help but be proud of myself for getting myself here.

If you want reassurance of your parenting, in my case, all I have to do is listen in on Lyla playing. I'll often hear her scolding a stuffed animal for screaming, and then explaining how to use an indoor "boice", or placing a doll in time out because "she's not being a good 'wistener'". I absolutely melt when she's polite, though. Sometimes I'll ask her if she'd like a snack, or more or something, and she'll reply "umm...no thank you mommy, but thank you for asking me" ...gush. And then there are the less kind, but awesomely funny times, like when she tells the dog to KNOCK IT OFF when he's barking.

Even when I was little, I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I would always play house, and imagine what it would be like. I knew I wanted to be a young mom, too - I always said I'd have my first at 21 - so when I had Lyla at 20, it wasn't that far off my "plan", minus the whole right-person-husband factor. So now, when Eric comes home from work to his wife and kids, it's surreal. I can't believe after years of wondering that I'm finally here, doing what I always knew I wanted to do, and absolutely in love with it. It took a lot of hard work, tough decisions, and acceptance of my past to get where I am today, but the happiness I now have is the best reassurance I could ask for.

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