Back to Work

Today, for the first time since our honeymoon, Eric has gone back to work. I'm so excited for him, because he was going stir crazy at home after going from working 40 hour weeks to attending story time and playing dress up with me and Lyla. He's installing solar panels, which is the new "fad", and its a local job so he won't be spending 3 hours commuting like he was with his previous job. I thought I'd burst into tears once he returned to work, since I had been feeling so homesick, but actually, it couldn't have come at a better time.

Our new apartment is ready to go; fresh coats of paint on everything, floors are refinished, and everything is clean enough to eat off of. So luckily, while Eric is busy at work, I can keep myself busy at home; packing, organizing, and taking trips back and forth from our current place to our new one. Not to mention, the forecast for the week is in the upper 40s, so I'll be able to eat up the day with trips to the playground and time spent outdoors. I'm also keeping myself busy by constantly being on the job hunt; I'm lucky to have taken such a turn for the better and feel well enough to massage through my pregnancy. Now if I can only find somewhere accommodating to work!

La la la...

Old Friends

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My friend Joanna came to visit for lunch this afternoon, and being able to catch up with her was amazing. However, I found myself throwing the same pity-party I've been having about feeling homesick once she went home.

Joanna and I became close when I was about 7 months pregnant with Lyla. She is my close friend Michaela's older sister, and when I moved into my first apartment, she lived upstairs. We quickly developed a friendship by chatting during these long walks we'd go on, and she was a great help once little Lyla was born - she was the reason I was able to shower. Couldn't have made it through those first several months without her!

When she walked through the door this afternoon, we immediately picked up where we had left off; catching up on work, relationships, future plans, etc. It was nice to just be myself for a change and talk to someone as me, Lauren: the friend, mother, and story teller I always have been, instead of the new girl. This all made me realize that as much as I am looking forward to creating a life for myself here in Fairhaven, that I really just miss those old friends who already know your stories, and who can share anything with you. And of course I also realize that as I make new friends, these qualities will all be found in them in time, too. Just getting there is so difficult.

I still have all my "old friends", of course. But it's the fact that they can't swing by for a quick visit, or grab a cup of coffee that has me feeling so far away. Now visits have to be planned way in advance, and are usually a day long event - which, is fine, but it's not the same as knowing they're down the street, either.

Eric, being the supportive husband that he is, has talked to me several times about moving to Worcester together, but it's me who really wants to give Fairhaven a chance. I fear that if I were to run back home, I'd never leave. Not that it would be the end of the world to buy a house and raise my children in or near Worcester, but I would feel like I failed at moving away. Not to mention, Worcester isn't what is used to be anymore; all my close friends have moved away to Boston or other surrounding areas for school or work, my dad is back to working part time, and my mother moved to Maine. So, even though I would have the comfort of being familiar with the city, that's pretty much it. Although, it IS where all my friends would come home for holidays and family visits...(my head loves to play this vollyball game...)

So, we have decided that I will give Fairhaven a fair chance; I'll give it a couple years. Lyla will be in school, allowing me to interact with more parents, I will hopefully be working, allowing me to socialize with coworkers, and it will give me more time to get established. And if after all that, it's still a struggle, when it comes time to buying a home, we may look back towards Worcester. I could have more job opportunities there since I know more people, and I would have more free-day-care options, too. So, we'll see. Only time will tell.

But for now, it was fabulous to catch up with an old friend, even if it did leave me missing home a bit more. 

Eager for Court

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Not only am I anxious to get Ben back to court to get all the money he owes me, but I am beyond anxious to get full custody of Lyla. A thought that plagues my mind on a daily basis is what would happen if I were to die. Dramatic, yes. But how unfair is our court system that if something happened to me, even though Lyla has not seen her father in 9 months, lives with Eric and I, and has been raised by us both in a stable, loving, healthy environment, that she would automatically go to Ben. Blood is thicker than water, yes, but since when does blood decide what is in my daughter's best interest?

Especially now, where she has lived in Fairhaven for a year, is closer with Eric's family than she is with my own, will soon have a little sister, will go to school here, have friends here...Ben can still rip her away with one signiture from everything she knows. I would be rolling in my grave having to watch her be raised in day cares, on fast food, and in a smoke filled house. This thought drives me absolutely crazy!

Ben has made no attempt to see Lyla since May of 2011; over 9 months and counting. Every now and then he'll send me a text saying "when can I see my daughter", to which I reply "whenever you want", but he never actually follows through with anything. For the longest time I put off letting him talk to her on the phone or see pictures of her, because in my mind I'm thinking: If you want to hear her voice or see what she looks like, then come see her damn it. But, after talking to Eric's aunt who works for a law firm, she advised me to allow the holiday phone calls and occasional pictures as long as he was being civil. Little did he know, Lyla doesn't know who he is anymore, and when he called on Christmas, all he got was a quick "merry christmas" before she tossed the phone back my way.

I really have no interest to have any sort of relationship with him. I told him I'd only be talking to him if he asked for a specific time and date to see Lyla, hoping it would avoid the never ending "why don't you let me see my daughter" text messages. Fail. Once a month or so he will ask for a picture, and then go on his usual rant of how I never let him see her, or talk to her, or even let him know how she's doing. ...Hello!? Did he not hear me say to come over and see her anytime? One of his pre-holiday text-wars was pretty humerous; he claimed that I am insane, and he does not feel safe with Lyla being alone with me. He claimed to insinuate a psych evaluation the next time we are in court, and that if I do not keep him informed on how Lyla is, he will send police to my house to check. When I told Eric this, we both contemplated calling the Fairhaven Police ourselves and sending Ben what we know would be an excellent report...but decided against it.

It's scary, though, to know that since he still has shared legal custody, he can walk through that door and back into her life at anytime. And just to be clear, it's not that I don't want him involved. I just don't want him SOMETIMES involved. If he's going to be her dad, then do it; see her, call her, make the effort. If not, then step aside and allow us to move on with our lives. He knows he has us dangling by a string with all this, and he loves it. Me gaining full custody would still allow him to develop a relationship with Lyla if he wishes, it would just put me in the driver seat. I wouldn't have to allow over nights or holidays, or any of the things he doesn't deserve. I wouldn't have to call him with every doctors trip or school function; things would be a lot easier.

He really doesn't know what he wants. He went from saying that Lyla wasn't his, to him wanting full custody; to him wanting to give up his parental rights, to "when can I see my daughter" text messages. Dealing with the constant unknown is exhausting. I hope we reach a point soon where we can return to court and get the rest of this settled. If he does choose to give up his rights again at any point (which I can see happening if I win full custody), then I will be quick to give up my child support and do a single parent adoption (or to have Eric adopt her) to get him the hell out of here. If things go the other way and he wants to re-establish a relationship with Lyla, then we'll just have to take it one step at a time.

Lyla deserves the best. Some people say that having her biological father involved would be what's best for her, but Ben has done nothing to prove that to me. He has put his anger with me infront of a relationship with his daughter, he has ignored safety issues that I had brought up with him (regarding her car seat), he has given her food that I repeatedly told him upset Lyla's stomach. He always returned her smelling of smoke and she would scream bloody murder whenever she was passed over to him for his visitation. With that said, I do not know what went on behind closed doors; for all I know they had the best time and her time was spent doing things that were age-appropriate and in some ways intellectually stimulating. However, knowing how his family raises his 3 (now 4) half brothers (in front of a tv, literally, all day) and based on Lyla's behavior when she went with him and came home, I have solid reasons to believe otherwise.

To me, the best thing for a child is stability. And right now, Ben has nothing to do with that word. Me and Eric ARE Lyla's stability, and it's hard to know that with one door bell ring, all of that can change. 

More Kids?

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Even though this baby is still 4 months away from being born, I've had so many people ask me if we plan on having more. If you asked me a couple of months ago, I said no on the impulse of feeling so sick and tired. Now if you ask me, I still say no, but am not sure that's so likely.

When the thought of having more kids comes into play, my immediate thought is how eager I am to work. I graduated from massage therapy school in 2008, and became pregnant with Lyla within weeks. From there, the struggles of pregnancy, a new born, and an unhappy relationship prevented me from doing nearly any massaging. Then, it was leaving Lyla's father, moving in with my mother, falling in love with Eric and planning a wedding that prevented me from doing anything more than part-time. And now? Pregnant again. It's partially my fault, the non working part, that is, because I declared from day one that my children would never be put into a day care. So aside from working part time for the last 2 years (where I brought Lyla with me), I stayed home and devoted all my time and attention to raising my daughter. Now, come May, she will be old enough to begin pre-school which would have given me the chance to work, but again, pregnant. And due one month after she is elligable for school. As happy as I am to be expecting again, it will be another 3 years before I could begin to work part-time as a massage therapist, and another 5 or 6 before a full time position, when both of my children will be in full-day school. So with me being Mrs. Eager when it comes to work, I think I would go crazy to add yet ANOTHER 5 or 6 years onto my already haulted work-time by having a 3rd child. However, I have never really given massage therapy a fighting chance before now, and for all I know doing a few home visits during the week and working at a gym or spa on weekends would be fulfilling enough for me, and still allow time at home to raise my children. Who knows, only time will tell.

Another factor? No birth control for me. I have a tiny heart murmur, and for some reason, birth control makes it go wild causing chest pain, and a numbness in my left arm - weird, right? Doctors couldn't tell me exactly what causes it; all they know is that all symptoms go away when I went off birth control. And because I was on a low-dose no hormone pill to begin with, my doctor wasn't willing to experiment to see what did and didn't give me a heart attack, and therefore, I just don't take it. Eric and I learned the hard way last fall that condoms aren't always reliable, and that the morning after pill doesn't work. So what are we to do? We don't think we want more children, and yet preventing it hasn't worked in the past. Eric always jokes that he doesn't see me "not getting knocked up" in the next 20 years. I suppose this one is in God's hands.

And then there's money. Women who want but don't have children have asked me what you can do to prepapre for a baby, and I always say the same thing: you'll never be prepared enough, you just have to be willing to make all the necessary sacrifices once you do become pregnant and a mother. However, with our 2nd child on the way and future talk of more, finances have definitely come into play. A 3rd child would mean that we, the parents, would be out numbered. It also means another college fund, more difficult outtings, more expensive vacations, etc. I always talk about how less is more; I fear that adding more children to the mix will cause Lyla and (soon to be) Hannah to miss out on certain things in life because we couldn't afford them; art, gym or sports classes, vacations, the school of their dreams, a nice home... However, I'm also the biggest advocate of the phrase "everything happens for a reason" so, if #3 does come along, I'm sure we will make it work and make sure that our children have the best lives possible.

So, more kids you ask? We really just have no idea. 

Slowly Adjusting

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I'm not sure if it's because Spring is soon ahead, but I'm starting to feel better about living here. I've began applying for massage jobs at my gym and a spa on the Cape, and even if they don't work out, just the possibility keeps my head up; it also feels pretty good to have my resume together and to get out there and just apply. I also started taking Lyla to story time at our town's library, so that gives us something to do once a week and allows Lyla to play with other kids while I can have some "grown up talk" with other moms. And, I'm finally starting to get the hang of where I'm going around here. Normally, Eric drives most places and I don't pay much attention to the directions. But I've taken initiative to drive more places on my own to learn the ins and outs of this little town and it's surrounding areas. And yes, I'm even becoming less afraid of the formerly dreaded GPS. So all those things combined have made me feel a bit more comfortable and "at home".

However, I'm sure my mood will take a turn for the worse next week when Eric returns to work full time for the first time since late Septmeber. Even now I find myself counting the hours until he's home from working on the apartment or back from the gym; what am I going to do in this cold weather when he's gone for over 8 hours a day? Yikes. It's definitely hard having your husband be your only real friend where you're living, but hopefully something more will come from these story time meetings and new-found road trips. Is it so hard to find someone my age who is married, or has a child, or doesn't want to drink or get high all the time? I suppose this is one of the negative aspects of having children so young - it's hard to connect with people your own age. The concept of "making friends" at nearly 23 years old is just odd. I'm thinking maybe I should put out a WANTED add: "Need a friend for gossip, exercise, parenting, and hanging out. If you feel you qualify for any or all of these necessities, please contact Loser-Lauren".

Wompwomp. Once again, I'm ready for Spring :) 

Spring? Hello?

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Still struggling here in Fairhaven, the random warm days make me feel oh, so much better. I believe that a good amount of the home-sickness I am experiencing has a lot to do with the fact that it's winter. And an odd winter, at that. It's barely snowed, and when it's not snowing it's too cold to play outside. But every once in a while, the crazy New England weather will throw a glimpse of Spring our way with a beautiful sunny day in the 50s. On these days, I am so focused on being outside and soaking up that vitamin D that, alone or not, I am enjoying myself and some quality outdoor playtime with my stir-crazy toddler. Luckily, she's just like her momma and absolutely loves to be outside. She'll walk with me in the stroller for an hour, and then still want to stop at a playground, color with chalk, and play catch. I am not a winter girl by any means; maybe I would be if I had gotten into a winter sport, but with my joints all out of whack, it never really worked out for me. Therefore, winter to me just means cold, stuck-in-the-house, and bored. I'm pretty sure I've utilized every indoor activity there is to do with a toddler; coloring, painting, fort building, blanket rides, baking, experiments...the list goes on. The groundhog ruined it all for us by declaring another 6 weeks of winter. THANKS, groundhog.

If I could move out of state, I would in a heart beat. Southerland, here I come. However, complications with Lyla's biological father prevents that dream from becoming a reality, but hopefully someday...

Luckily, tomorrow is one of those "Spring days" - predicted at sunny and 50 degrees. I'm like a kid on Christmas thinking of all my possiblities; early morning run, walk to the library for story time, picnic lunch outside...and that's all before nap time! I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am THRILLED with my due date. I couldn't be happier to be having a late spring time baby and get through those first few months with the warm weather to keep me company during the day. Eric and I have talked about scheduling after the baby, and immediately we both talked about taking Lyla to the park to play most nights *Let the dream-scene begin* Eric and Lyla playing tag and tossing a ball back and forth while I sit on the swings with our newborn. Ahhhhh, perfect. Me? Homesick? Nooooo...

Anytime, Spring. Keep these warm days coming! 

Soaking it up

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With this baby girl due 4 months from now, I've been taking advantage of each and every day I spend with Lyla. It's hard to believe that she'll no longer be the baby. I could stare at her little face all day, and I have been as much as possible. I constantly notice myself lost in amazement of the little girl she's grown into in these short two and a half years. We've recently taken out her baby book again in order to help her further understand my pregnancy and what's to come when baby Hannah arrives, and it just floors me how fast the time has gone by. It's the advice I've heard from every parent that has crossed my path: enjoy it now, because before you know it they'll be all grown up. That was hard to believe in those first few months of getting no sleep, barely finding time to eat and shower, and watching the clock drag by. I used to think "GOOD, grow up already and let me sleep!"...but now? Now I cannot believe that she will be 3 years old this summer. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was pregnant with her? Giving birth to her? Using those little rubber spoons to feed her? Apparently not, since she can now carry on an entire conversation with you, use the potty, help me cook... So cudos, other advise-giving-mothers, IT'S TRUE.

It also makes me feel a bit crazy to be starting all over again. I now have a child who is nearly out of diapers and sleeping through the night; the two milestones I have been dreaming about since she was born. And now, just as life got a bit easier, we've signed ourselves up for those endless nights once again. On the brightside, I cannot wait to be doing it again, and just for that reason: again; I've done it before. I won't have those first time mommy-jitters, I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel of those long nights, I know the nursing will one day end and I can be free from the food-source-role that keeps you from doing nearly anything for yourself. "I know" ...this phrase has helped ease a lot of the nerves I get from doubling my child-load. Though every child will be different, at least this time I have some idea of what I'm doing, and will be able to just enjoy my children and watch them both grow together.

I cannot wait to add Hannah to our family, but for now, it's just me and my Lylagirl, and I'm soaking up every single moment.