Love for Food

Since Hannah was about 2 weeks old, I have had to stop eating all dairy products, and somehow, eating less has made me have a much deeper appreciation for food. Maybe it's all the labels I'm now forced to read, or the added fruits, veggies, whole grains and lean meats I've had to add to my diet in order to consume an adequate amount of nutrition, but I'm more intrigued now than ever.

Over the last 8 weeks, I've tried a few new things: rice milk, coconut milk, soy yogurts, endless seed & nut combos, quinoa...etc. Not only did I learn that I liked these things I had never tried, but that I felt better eating them. I've learned new balances of complex carbs & proteins from sources other than dairy. Most importantly - I've learned to control my energy levels through food: carbs in the morning to jump-start the day, with snacks of fruit & nuts throughout the day for a natural sugar & protein boost. Eric and I have also started to cut out all carbs after dinner, and try to be done snacking by 8pm. I feel fabulous, but I'm sure that also comes from the fact that I can't indulge in my usual frozen yogurt and chocolate desserts.

I've also realized what a food-rut we live in. I now have this vibrant list of snacks that I consume, but meals? Not so much. Marinated chicken one night, turkey burgers the next, then a "breakfast-for-dinner" night, and nights where we'll just have sandwiches or soup & salad. Healthy, yes, but the same thing every week? Also, yes. BORING! The truth is, I'm a cooking-scaredy-cat. Once I do it once, I'll be fine - but it's getting myself to try something new that's tough. And once I do, it gets added to our rut-list, like when I decided to try stir-fries: now I make the same stir-fry with pretty much the same ingredients each time. We even have a croc-pot that Eric won 2 years ago that we have never used - everyone yells at me for this, since it is supposedly the easiest way to cook and try new things. Yup. We're croc-pot virgins.

I'm hoping to turn all this around with my sudden interest in new foods. Gonna break out the croc-pot, put our new juicer to good use, and clear the cob webs off our several cooking books that have never been opened. I absolutely love to eat, and even though I don't do much, I love to cook. It's sort of part of my job expectation as a mother and wife, so I'd better get crackin'. Looking forward to continuing to try new things, and learn to break out of my cooking fear...

...even though chicken is currently marinating for dinner. I'll start tomorrow ;)

The power of food is pretty awesome. Being able to control your mood, your energy, and your health through diet is fabulous.

Social Media Judgement - quick note

Everyone uses Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites differently - from music promotion to sharing how bad your breath was when you woke up that morning - everyone's got something to share, and even more-so, everyone's got something to say about these updates. 

I find it amusing when I see posts like "no one cares what you ate for lunch" - probably true, but these sites are for people's personal use, and they can post whatever the hell they want. I'm sure every time I post a blog about how happy I am, I have a fair-share of people who think "alright, we get it already". Or, when I post my many pictures of my girls, you may think "you're a mom, Lauren, we get the picture". Now, given, I am an open book, and will "check-in" where I go, update what I'm doing, and share my activities with the world, so I may be a bit biased to these judgements. On the other hand, I've definitely been fed up with a few girls' "I think pouty-faces are cute" or "photos-of-myself-in-the-mirror" pictures, but instead of complaining, I deleted them so I wouldn't have to see them anymore. 

You're not forced to read everyones posts, so if you don't like 'em, don't read 'em. 

:);) xo

Living in a Bubble

Ever find yourself in a place where things are so good that you're scared of any sort of change? Well, I'm here now. We've all adjusted to being a family of 4, Lyla's tantrums seem to be calming down, Hannah has settled into a more than manageable routine, and Eric and I continue to thrive as a couple. What could go wrong? Talk of a new job and buying a house sure could. 

Eric has applied to be a correction's officer, and the application, schooling and training portions can take months. I understand his career change, since as an electrician he can be laid off at any given moment, and that's not very reassuring when you have a wife and two children to support. However, it's one of those jobs where you start out low and the totem pole, working 3rd shift and weekends, and work your way up to more reasonable hours. For me, this means sleeping alone at night and tip-toeing around the house during the day while he sleeps - no easy task with little ones romping around. I've also seen way too many scary movies and SVU episodes to feel comfortable sleeping without him; the recent break in of Eric's truck doesn't make me feel any better. And for Eric, this means (more than likely) broken sleep, and a serious time-adjustment on his days off. He's worked nights - even overnights - before, and it was difficult to adjust to. We made it through then and we'll make it through now, but until it happens I'm basking in our little perfect routine where my husband is home for the day at 3:30 and snuggles in with me at night. 

And then the house-talk. Ah, yes. Of course I would love to own a house of our own in the future, especially since paying rent for our apartment is in essence just throwing away money instead of working towards something, like a mortgage, but the thought is still scary. Right now, everything is so easy: something breaks, we call the landlord; not our problem, not our money, not our job. With a house? It's all us - or more than likely, Eric. Maybe the problem here is that I actually like spending time with my husband. And while I have no problem with him going out with friends for a drink, the thought of having to share him with a house with endless work to be done and things to be fixed just makes me realize how much less time we will have to spend together. Back off, house, he's mine. (Is it normal to be jealous of a non-existent house? Hmmm...) 

I want to capture this time we're in right now, put it in a bubble and just stay in it forever. Even though a lot about the future excites me, like watching the girls grow and seeing what new beginnings we'll encounter, it still makes me nervous to rock the boat when things are going so well. 

Ah, this thing called life. Lets see what you have in store for us. 

Comfortable Being Me

I feel like a good amount of my life has been spent comparing myself to others, and basing my decisions on those around me. Especially in high school, I would take note of what others were wearing, watching, and doing, and I would be in a constant game of follow the leader. Even after becoming a mother, I was determined to be "one of those" who would always have my hair & make-up done, be well dressed, and have my husband come home to a wife doing the dishes in 6 inch heels. All this seemed so appealing after seeing it be done in the movies and even with a few friends with kids; but I finally stopped looking around and trying to be someone else, because slowly but surely, I became more comfortable just being me.

Lesson 1: I am not a girly-girl. Day to day, you will see me in yoga pants, sports bra, racer back tank, and either flip flops or sneakers. This is a simple one: they're comfortable. Not to mention, if I'm already dressed to run, I have no excuse not to go for one when hubby gets home from work. I'll take Nike and Puma over Coach and Armani any day. Lucky for me, Eric tells me that he finds me most attractive when I'm run-ready; sure, the tight running capris play a strong roll, but taking good care of myself is a more attractive quality than someone who spends hours getting ready each day only to apply more and more make up and hair, and look less and less like the real you.

Lesson 2: It's not all or nothing. "Dressing up" to me can be anything from adding a pair of chunky earrings to my messy-bun & jeans look, to heels, dresses and curls. Fun? Yes. Daily preference? Absolutely not. I do, however, love a lil' mascara and eyeliner - even with yoga pants. But my hair? Impossible. Not only is it outrageously thick and unmanageable from having a baby 8 weeks ago, but it's too damn hot to blow dry and straighten this mop. I was not blessed with totally straight or beautifully curly hair: I've got the inbetween; waves. Good for a beachy look, perhaps, but not so much for a shower-and-go-natural one. Therefore, I live in messy buns and braids. And hey, as a mother of 2 who plans on exercising later that day, that's just fine with me. I may be no Posh, but I make a great Sporty Spice.

Truly being comfortable with yourself obviously goes a lot deeper than the clothes you wear, and here's where I go back to my over-expressed topic: happiness. Not only am I lucky to have Eric who supports me no matter what, but I am lucky to have the ability to be happy with myself - and this took years. I kissed my past goodbye, looked forward to the future, and focused on the present. I take good care of myself by eating right and exercising. I focus nearly all my energy into mothering my 2 girls to the best of my ability, and I stay truly honest and genuine in everything I do. That alone makes me feel great about myself - nothing to hide (as anyone who reads my blogs will know, I'm an open book); I love giving to others without the expectation of receiving something in return, and I try not to half-ass anything. I feel like right now in my life, I am the best person/wife/mother I can be, and I couldn't be any of those things without self acceptance and happiness.

I no longer feel like I have to compare myself to anyone - I am 100% comfortable being me, yoga pants and all.

The Little Things

Before Eric I had 3 or 4 "serious" relationships, and now having been married for almost a year, the biggest difference I see in my relationship with Eric in comparison to the others comes from the smallest things; things as easy as being nice to each other, and being thoughtful. We definitely have our moments, or days, where we feel tired or stressed and will be a bit more testy, but after being together for 2 years, married for nearly 1, and having two kids to raise, our ability to remain kind to one another truly amazes me at times.

Eric never stops surprising me. Sometimes I'll be dealing with both kids and assume he is on the couch on his phone or laptop, and without even really knowing, I'll get an attitude towards him; only to go into the kitchen to find that the dishes are being put away and the oven pre-heated for dinner. It takes little moments like this for me to step back and scold myself for assuming anything else. It also makes me gush over how appreciative and lucky I feel to have a husband who is such a great help. There are mornings where I want to scream because his breakfast dishes are sitting in the sink, and others where I went to bed with a sink-full of dinner dishes and wake up with them washed and put away. It may be a small gesture, but when I wake up with him gone off to work, and the dishes are done, it's as if he left me a dozen roses; just taking a few moments out of his morning to make my day a little easier, and show me that he was thinking of me. And when he's home from work, if there's ever a time that I'm sitting down with my feet up, he'll grab them and give them a rub. Even just for a few minutes, but it's so thoughtful and feels amazing after rocking a newborn and chasing a toddler all day.

I try and return the favor to the best of my mother & wife abilities; I'll have the baby fed (or bottle made) when he's home from work so she won't scream for him when I go for my daily run, I'll have his work and gym clothes for the following day washed and put away, I'll have a dinner plan waiting, and if I have any ounce of energy left once the girls are asleep - I'll give him a back massage. Each thing small, but they're thoughtful and make his day just a bit easier.

I know I often blog about how happy I am and how lucky I feel - but it's true, and I find that these little gestures towards each other make for a happy foundation in our marriage. I told Eric the other day that it means more for him to help me fold the laundry than it would if he brought home flowers or chocolate from work. Although, you can never go wrong with chocolate, either ;)

Honesty

I attended a wedding with my mom and dad for a family friend when I was younger, and as with most weddings there was a fair share of alcoholic beverages being served throughout the reception. At this age, I began to realize that alcohol wasn't a good thing, and became very concerned with when and how much my parents drank. I asked my mom how many glasses of wines she had, and she gave me her usual "2 glasses" response. But when I asked my dad, I'll never forget that instead of lying or ignoring the question, he put down his beer and held up 6 fingers. I'll never forget how I felt that moment - I felt respected because I knew my father was being honest with me. There wasn't even a hint of anger at the fact that he was more than likely intoxicated after those 6 beers, because at that point all that mattered to me was his honesty. 

I tell this story often when honesty comes up in conversation, and I'll never forget how good it made me feel to have been told the truth - and how terrible it feels to be lied to. Lyla's father lied to me often, from where he was going to smoking cigarettes. It was the worst feeling, and I felt myself often sneaking around checking his phone, facebook, or peeking through the curtain when he took the trash out. I hated it, and often hated what I found even more. What's worse, is that even when he was caught in a lie, he would pile lies on top of it to try and get himself out of it, when all he truly did was dig himself a bigger hole. What he never understood, and what I explained time after time again, was that no matter how upset I would be at the choices he made, I will always be 10x's more upset if he lied about it. I constantly had my guard up, and often felt disrespected. It was not a good way to feel in a relationship. 

I take these feeling into consideration daily in both my marriage and my parenting. Yes, I'll still tell my children that there is a Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny, which yes, is technically lying, but I'll take the blame for that later to give them a magical childhood now. But as far as lying to Eric goes, I can't even use his razor without feeling guilty and the need to tell him - which he never cares about, but I'd feel wrong or like I was sneaking around if I didn't mention it. And that's just with the use of a razor blade. I can't imagine ever seriously lying or hiding something from him. I always want him to have the feeling of respect that I felt from my dad that day at the wedding throughout our entire marriage, and never want him to feel betrayed through my dishonesty. I think our honesty is one of the major factors of our marriage's happiness. We speak our minds truthfully, which can sometimes lead to tiffs and arguments, but they are resolved within minutes with each of us respecting the other. Respect and honesty come hand-in-hand, and I am grateful to have that every day with Eric. 

I believe that our honesty with each other will set good examples for our girls, too. I experienced sneakiness and lying throughout parts of my childhood, and even when I wasn't directly involved, I knew it was wrong and it left me feeling uneasy. I'd rather have my children see Eric and I express our honesty with each other, even if that means directly dealing with a problem rather than taking the easy way out to ignore it. It will only show them the love we have for each other and how important respect and honesty are. I've seen lots of couples choose to not approach a subject or attack a problem because they want to "keep the peace", but it seems to always build up and surface at one point or another - usually in uncontrolled outbursts, which are harder to work through and can be much more damaging - especially to eavesdropping children. If something is bothering me, Eric is the first person I want to go to, even if he is part of the cause. Who wants to keep something in when talking it through will only make you feel better and strengthen your relationship? I feel best about our marriage after we overcome a problem - I feel confident, loved, and stronger afterwards. It reflects on our children, too, to be able to see us work through things as parents so comfortably and efficiently together.  I can only hope that they will find it just as important and apply it to relationships in their lives - both with us as parents, friends, and future relationships (yikes!) 

If you really love someone, show them with honesty; from expressing something that they may have done to upset you, to admitting that you may have looked through their emails. The honest relationships will always come out on top. 

Reassuring

There is no better reassurance than happiness. For every moment in my day that i feel truly happy, I am proud of myself for making the life decisions that I did. I could look back and be embarrassed or ashamed about parts of my past, but like I've blogged before, I don't think I'd be where I am today without the mistakes, lessons learned, or decisions made.

I feel this reassurance most with my husband. Not only is it a great feeling to know that I have a happy, loving marriage, but it's a constant pat on the back for the tough decision of leaving Lyla's father. Then, I wanted nothing more than Lyla's parents to be together: live together, raise her together. Now, I know that a parent is not defined by blood or biology, and that I am not a bad person for "breaking up her family" as I've previously been blamed for. Mind you, the one who did that blaming has not seen my beautiful daughter in over a year - ahem. I occasionally think back to how unhappy I was, and how forced everything felt. It makes me beyond appreciative of what I now have with Eric; how naturally everything comes, even the most simple things, like being nice to each other or helping out. I feel so lucky to go to bed each night and wake up each morning truly happy, and I can't help but be proud of myself for getting myself here.

If you want reassurance of your parenting, in my case, all I have to do is listen in on Lyla playing. I'll often hear her scolding a stuffed animal for screaming, and then explaining how to use an indoor "boice", or placing a doll in time out because "she's not being a good 'wistener'". I absolutely melt when she's polite, though. Sometimes I'll ask her if she'd like a snack, or more or something, and she'll reply "umm...no thank you mommy, but thank you for asking me" ...gush. And then there are the less kind, but awesomely funny times, like when she tells the dog to KNOCK IT OFF when he's barking.

Even when I was little, I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I would always play house, and imagine what it would be like. I knew I wanted to be a young mom, too - I always said I'd have my first at 21 - so when I had Lyla at 20, it wasn't that far off my "plan", minus the whole right-person-husband factor. So now, when Eric comes home from work to his wife and kids, it's surreal. I can't believe after years of wondering that I'm finally here, doing what I always knew I wanted to do, and absolutely in love with it. It took a lot of hard work, tough decisions, and acceptance of my past to get where I am today, but the happiness I now have is the best reassurance I could ask for.

<3