Thanks to my share-all approach to social networking, it's no secret that I eat pretty darn healthy. It's also been made known that I breast feed and have an extremely limited diet because of it. My problem is that I absolutely love food. I actually enjoy having to plan out each meal, because thinking of strange but healthy concoctions to make is just fun. Unfortunately, most of the items on my "allowed to eat" list don't leave me very full, and I struggle trying to fill the void appropriately.
Because I have been racking up my running mileage, I've started keeping track of the calories I burn while exercising, and also the calories I eat throughout the day. This is because if I don't eat up to 500 extra calories a day, my milk supply would not only be lacking in nutrition, but also has the possibility of drying up. And as excited as I am about this half marathon I'm training for, nursing my baby is my number one priority right now, and so, every calorie I burn, I have to eat back - and then some.
What I hate is how much research I've done. There is a different opinion on everything, and if I could I would go back to just eating when I'm hungry and not worry about the protein-carb-fat contents. One specialist suggests eating more protein at snacks and meals to help keep you fuller longer, and another claims that the body stores extra protein as fat. Nuts have all sorts of mixed opinions; some say you can eat up to 500 calories in nuts per day before it starts to effect your weight because of their "good" fats and the way your body metabolizes and uses them, and others say to never eat more than a serving size because of their high calorie and fat content. WHAT'S A GIRL ON A LIMITED DIET TO DO? Fruits and veggies simply don't always cut it, if I eat too much protein it will allegedly turn to chub, and my serious addiction to almonds make it impossible to stick to the miniscule serving size of 1/4 cup.
Luckily as a runner, carbs are - and need to be - a huge part of my diet. Unfortunately for me, most of the carbs I love (cereal, bread, english muffins, bagels) contain milk or soy ingredients. Whole wheat pasta is still a-go, and I keep trying to find new recipes involving rolled oats, quinoa, and brown rice.
I'm stuck in such a catch-22. I need to eat enough calories to produce adequate nutrition for Hannah, but I'm so wildly limited in what I can eat. If I eat enough proteins and fats to fill me up and help rack up my calorie count, I'm getting about 3x what my body needs. If I somehow manage to fill my calorie void with fruits, veggies and whole grains, I feel starving. Other days I feel just fine but will have 600 calories to eat before bed, and basically force myself to eat when I'm not even hungry. I try to eat the same things every day, both to make sure I'm eating things that won't upset Hannah, but also to help my body adjust to such an extreme diet; but where my activity changes daily, so does my appetite.
But, with that said, and in an attempt to get back to my usual positive outlook - it's all temporary. She'll only nurse for about 5 more months, and this is all a small price to pay for what's best for my baby. 7 down, 5 to go. It's worth the struggle and effort to be able to run - something I love... and use to keep my sanity ;)
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
The "Gotta Do It" Attitude
Attitude is everything - a saying that I've heard countless times from countless sources, but oh how true it is. You truly are in full control of your mind, and it's funny how a change of attitude can completely alter your outlook.
Nearly 3 years ago when I began realizing how unhappy I was with Lyla's father, the thought of leaving plagued my mind with nothing but negative thoughts. "I'll have to move back home" "I'll have to do it all on my own" - these thoughts kept me there longer than I wanted to be. Until one day it just clicked - "I gotta do it" I told myself. From that day forward, that's exactly what I did - moved forward and just did what I had to do. I never sulked in how much more difficult things may have temporarily been, because this was my decision and I simply had to do what I had to do.
Fast forward 3 years when my husband is changing careers, and I'm put back into a similar mindset situation. When Eric began the application process to become a CO, I pretty much put the thought on the back burner, knowing that it took months - even up to a year - for the process to be completed. As paperwork and tests slowly but surely were checked off the list, reality started to come into play. I was totally and utterly negative about the whole thing. Knowing he'd be low on the totem pole, working nights and weekends, and commuting at least 30 minutes each way daily, SUCKED. It was hard to think of having our nightly family dinners and time together after the girls were in bed, come to an end.
An end of the year budget put a temporary freeze on the hiring, and we didn't know how long it would last. But then Eric got the call that he had been accepted into the academy. The excitement in his voice was infectious. I knew right then and there I had to stop thinking of myself, thinking of what would be harder, and simply be a supportive wife, and change my attitude. This change became much easier when we found out his academy would be second shift, allowing time for my exercise in the morning (no more headlamp night runs!), and having Eric home with us for 2 meals instead of 1, even if he would miss dinner. I also focused on the extra time I could have with Lyla after Hannah was in bed - time that was preciously mine and Eric's before, that I could now put to use giving Lyla a little TLC; reading books, chatting in bed, or watching a show. And, for the first time since Hannah has been born, this schedule will buy me back a little "me" time. I can go to bed at 7pm with my kids if I want, and not feel guilty about missing out on time with hubby, I can pick up a book for the first time in months, watch a movie, or simply catch up on stuff around the apartment that I never seem to get to. You don't realize how precious time is until you have kids, and even more so once you have two. It may seem like these are small things to get excited about, but it's enough to fuel a positive mindset to create my own happiness and be there for my husband.
So yes, dinner-bath-bed time are mine to tackle alone, and the endless task of getting Hannah to bed, and back to bed, and back to bed again, are mine as well. But I'm up to the challenge, and that same empowering feeling I had 3 years ago... I just gotta do it.
Nearly 3 years ago when I began realizing how unhappy I was with Lyla's father, the thought of leaving plagued my mind with nothing but negative thoughts. "I'll have to move back home" "I'll have to do it all on my own" - these thoughts kept me there longer than I wanted to be. Until one day it just clicked - "I gotta do it" I told myself. From that day forward, that's exactly what I did - moved forward and just did what I had to do. I never sulked in how much more difficult things may have temporarily been, because this was my decision and I simply had to do what I had to do.
Fast forward 3 years when my husband is changing careers, and I'm put back into a similar mindset situation. When Eric began the application process to become a CO, I pretty much put the thought on the back burner, knowing that it took months - even up to a year - for the process to be completed. As paperwork and tests slowly but surely were checked off the list, reality started to come into play. I was totally and utterly negative about the whole thing. Knowing he'd be low on the totem pole, working nights and weekends, and commuting at least 30 minutes each way daily, SUCKED. It was hard to think of having our nightly family dinners and time together after the girls were in bed, come to an end.
An end of the year budget put a temporary freeze on the hiring, and we didn't know how long it would last. But then Eric got the call that he had been accepted into the academy. The excitement in his voice was infectious. I knew right then and there I had to stop thinking of myself, thinking of what would be harder, and simply be a supportive wife, and change my attitude. This change became much easier when we found out his academy would be second shift, allowing time for my exercise in the morning (no more headlamp night runs!), and having Eric home with us for 2 meals instead of 1, even if he would miss dinner. I also focused on the extra time I could have with Lyla after Hannah was in bed - time that was preciously mine and Eric's before, that I could now put to use giving Lyla a little TLC; reading books, chatting in bed, or watching a show. And, for the first time since Hannah has been born, this schedule will buy me back a little "me" time. I can go to bed at 7pm with my kids if I want, and not feel guilty about missing out on time with hubby, I can pick up a book for the first time in months, watch a movie, or simply catch up on stuff around the apartment that I never seem to get to. You don't realize how precious time is until you have kids, and even more so once you have two. It may seem like these are small things to get excited about, but it's enough to fuel a positive mindset to create my own happiness and be there for my husband.
So yes, dinner-bath-bed time are mine to tackle alone, and the endless task of getting Hannah to bed, and back to bed, and back to bed again, are mine as well. But I'm up to the challenge, and that same empowering feeling I had 3 years ago... I just gotta do it.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Half Marathon!
3 miles has always been my comfort zone when it comes to running. Starting with cross country in high school and continuing all the way up to a few months ago, I always felt satisfied with my work out as long as I ran a good 5k; until recently when I ran 4, then 5, then 6, and now 7 miles with the same minute-mile and with minor difficulty. Basically, I realized that yes, I'm a beast.
A half marathon has always been a distant goal for me, and I pretty much just made excuses for myself as to why "right now" wasn't the right time. Some excuses I'd like to think were legit, like knee surgeries and having babies. But otherwise I sort of just basked in the boo-hoo's of my poor mechanics and told myself the 13.1 wasn't possible. Well, now having 7 miles under my belt at a 7:15 minute-mile pace, I'm starting to see just how possible it is. From here on out, all I can do is be smart about my training, adjust it as necessary to my bum knees & hip, and hope for an injury-free course to the race.
Later, 5k.
A half marathon has always been a distant goal for me, and I pretty much just made excuses for myself as to why "right now" wasn't the right time. Some excuses I'd like to think were legit, like knee surgeries and having babies. But otherwise I sort of just basked in the boo-hoo's of my poor mechanics and told myself the 13.1 wasn't possible. Well, now having 7 miles under my belt at a 7:15 minute-mile pace, I'm starting to see just how possible it is. From here on out, all I can do is be smart about my training, adjust it as necessary to my bum knees & hip, and hope for an injury-free course to the race.
Later, 5k.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Missing Each Other
Weekends are generally the only time Eric and I truly get to spend with each other and our girls, since during the week we spend our time juggling dinner bath and bedtime by the time he's home from work. But these past several weekends have been jam-packed with side jobs and family gatherings (all time spent away from my hubby) - and the next few weekends aren't looking any better.
Eric has his psych evaluation this coming weekend, in Worcester, and I'll be home for a girls-weekend with my nieces for an overnight. The following weekend is my best friend's first dress fitting for her wedding (!!!), and since I am a giant child about driving into the big city with my baby in tow, the easiest option for me is to stay at my moms and hitch a ride to Boston from there. Easy, yes. But it proposes yet another weekend away from Eric.
Funny how you can live with someone, spend your whole day texting and talking to them, have dinner with them, share child-duties with them, and yet miss them so much. Between his long work day and my day at home with the 2 girls, by the time bedtime rolls around, we're ready for bed, too.
Once these next couple of weekends are through, I'd like to say we'll catch a break, but then the holiday plans begin. Marriage with both parents divorced is a recipe for 3 or 4 separate celebrations, which can take up the whole month.
I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed with all we have to do, and also with how little time we're spending together. Especially with Eric starting his corrections officer academy next month which will throw our schedule through hoops, and again when he gets a job and is working 2nd or 3rd shift.
Just hoping we can find some calm in all the chaos, and settle into all the new schedules and changes the best we can. And finding some time to grab a sushi roll would be fab ;)
Friday, September 7, 2012
Lovin' Love
My marriage to Eric has taught me many things, like how to be selfless, and trust that your needs will be met by each other. But the biggest thing it has taught me is how to never settle for less than you deserve.
My husband is wonderful. He really is. Everyday, we kiss good morning and good night, hello and good bye, he is constantly telling me how beautiful he thinks I am, even right after returning from a run or rolling out of bed. He is always willing to help when I need it, and is supportive in everything that I do. The thing I admire him most for is his ability to back down in an argument or disagreement in order to meet eye to eye and work it out faster. We can both be extremely stubborn and set in our ways, so our ability to be vulnerable with each other to work through something is a great feeling. I think our first year of marriage has set a strong foundation for the years to come.
In pervious relationships, if there was something I didn't like or that made me unhappy, I just kind of thought "well, no one's perfect. This is the way it's going to be and I have to deal with it" - so not true. Sure, no one's perfect, but there is such a thing as a perfect match. I wasn't perfect for my ex's and Eric wasn't perfect for his, but for each other? We just fit. We just work. I am grateful everyday that I didn't settle for anything less than the happiness I have now.
My yoga teacher once said that if you are being grateful, there is no room in your mind for stress. Anytime I feel overwhelmed or stressed out, I focus on my two beautiful, healthy daughters and my amazing marriage, and everything stills. Everything is okay.
There's no doubt we'll face hard times, but I welcome the challenge, knowing that we'll make it through and come out even stronger. I'm so glad I didn't settle. I'm so glad I married for the right reasons. If something doesn't feel right, it's probably not. If you wish someone would change, they probably won't. I love my marriage for what it is; imperfections and all. From bedtime pillow fights to working through difficult situations, I'm glad it's with him.
My husband is wonderful. He really is. Everyday, we kiss good morning and good night, hello and good bye, he is constantly telling me how beautiful he thinks I am, even right after returning from a run or rolling out of bed. He is always willing to help when I need it, and is supportive in everything that I do. The thing I admire him most for is his ability to back down in an argument or disagreement in order to meet eye to eye and work it out faster. We can both be extremely stubborn and set in our ways, so our ability to be vulnerable with each other to work through something is a great feeling. I think our first year of marriage has set a strong foundation for the years to come.
In pervious relationships, if there was something I didn't like or that made me unhappy, I just kind of thought "well, no one's perfect. This is the way it's going to be and I have to deal with it" - so not true. Sure, no one's perfect, but there is such a thing as a perfect match. I wasn't perfect for my ex's and Eric wasn't perfect for his, but for each other? We just fit. We just work. I am grateful everyday that I didn't settle for anything less than the happiness I have now.
My yoga teacher once said that if you are being grateful, there is no room in your mind for stress. Anytime I feel overwhelmed or stressed out, I focus on my two beautiful, healthy daughters and my amazing marriage, and everything stills. Everything is okay.
There's no doubt we'll face hard times, but I welcome the challenge, knowing that we'll make it through and come out even stronger. I'm so glad I didn't settle. I'm so glad I married for the right reasons. If something doesn't feel right, it's probably not. If you wish someone would change, they probably won't. I love my marriage for what it is; imperfections and all. From bedtime pillow fights to working through difficult situations, I'm glad it's with him.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Easier Said Than Done
Recent events have put my newfound mindfulness to the test, and it's definitely been a struggle. Who knew that getting yourself to a calm, clear-headed state of mind could be so difficult, when it sounds so soothing and natural?
Last night and all throughout today, my anxiety has been a roller coaster ride. Between Lyla's first day of school and her father suddenly wanting to re-involve himself in her life, I've had lots on my mind within a very short time frame. Each time I begin to feel my heart race or tears well up, I try to become "Momma Zen" by acknowledging how I am feeling, and then taking steps to calm myself down through gentle breathing and little "pep-talks". I remind myself that I cannot control certain situations, and that I shouldn't clog my mind with thoughts of possible scenarios which I cannot change, or prevent.
Easier said than done.
I may find a minute or two of relief from these thoughts, fears, and anxiety, just to slowly slip back into my own thoughts of the inevitable. I have pits, where I focus on the negative: no, this isn't what I want and peaks, where I find some peace: I can do this, it will be okay.
So I lit some candles, put on a little DMB, and got out of my own head.
Don't focus on what you cannot change
Everything happens for a reason
You are the one controlling your emotions
Chanting inside my head, over and over again until my heart is beating at a normal rate.
Breathe
I'm realizing that I create my own anxiety by remembering the past, and focusing on the "what ifs"
I have to stop doing this.
Again, easier said than done.
Somehow, these thoughts continue to creep back in and plague my mind.
Inhale belly rise, exhale belly fall
I can't change the past. I can't predict the future. All I can do is focus on today, and appreciate the breaks I can find from my own mind - even minimally.
It's a process. And a difficult one. But I'll always continue to work towards mindfulness to better myself. No one wants a stressed out mother, wife, daughter, or friend. I can be the best me I can be by continuing to practice an empty mind. I'll struggle today for an easier tomorrow.
Ben Wants Back In
And now for the post about what's really causing most of my anxiety this morning...
Last night as I was preparing Lyla's things for her first day of preschool, "Ben McPherson" pops up on my phone. A text message, asking to talk about Lyla.
Great.
After nearly a year and a half of not seeing her, talking to her, and barely asking about her, he's now choosing to reconnect with his daughter.
It's bittersweet. Of course I want Lyla to have a relationship with her biological father, because it will (hopefully) save her a world of hurt, anger, and questions in the future as she grows older. But I couldn't help feeling selfish about it. She's just starting school; I have to give her up for 9 hours a week, and now potentially even more time if he chooses to re-establish visitation? I don't want to have any less time with her than I do now. It's not fair. But, putting my own feelings aside, I need to think of what's best for my daughter, and I think having some relationship with Ben will, again - hopefully, be a good thing.
As kindly as I could, I explained how he was a complete stranger to her. She knows that he exists, but that's pretty much it. And he has no idea who she is anymore, either. He's missed out on half of her life, literally, and a child changes a lot from 18months to 3 years old. I told him that if he is serious about coming back into her life, that it's all or nothing. He needs to do it right. He needs to re-establish a relationship with her gradually, and he needs to respect me and Eric when the "where did you go? why haven't you seen me?" questions come out of my toddler's curious mind. As much as I've had my choice words about Ben, never have they been said to or in front of Lyla. Knowing that he could come back into her life, I didn't want her to hate him, or be scared to eventually go with him. Eric and I chose not to talk about him, and if she ever asked, we would tell her he was at work. The last thing I want is for Ben to tell my toddler that it was my fault he didn't see her.
I am worried about the whole thing, though. Lyla is one of the most sensitive little kids I've ever seen, and it would kill me to see someone hurt her. I warned Ben that he better never, ever do this to my little girl again if he walks back in.
He tried explaining why he hadn't seen her for this long, talking about how he had a lot going on and how it was hard when he and I were not getting along - factors I'm sure made it difficult, but quite frankly, I didn't care to hear about them - and told him so. No excuse for 16 months of not seeing your own child.
I learned from our last experience to not do, say, or sign anything without my lawyer's advice, and even though he's upset that we can't settle this on our own, I need to protect Lyla. When I told him this he told me I was treating him like an "axe murderer". Yeah, exactly. Or, I don't want to get screwed like I did the last time we went to court and see my little girl get caught in the middle. So, my lawyer will be leading me through this mess, and hopefully we can civilly work something out with Lyla's best interest in mind.
I'm dreading it. I want her all for myself. I don't want to share. I don't feel like he's done anything to deserve any time with her. I'm angry. I'm sad. But that's all about me. When it comes to Lyla, I have to put all of this aside. Hopefully my new studies of yoga, meditation and exercise can help me through it with a clear head and low anxiety.
But for now, all I can do is wait for my lawyer's signal, and go from there. I can't stress over what I cannot change or what I have no control over, and this, unfortunately, is one of those things.
Last night as I was preparing Lyla's things for her first day of preschool, "Ben McPherson" pops up on my phone. A text message, asking to talk about Lyla.
Great.
After nearly a year and a half of not seeing her, talking to her, and barely asking about her, he's now choosing to reconnect with his daughter.
It's bittersweet. Of course I want Lyla to have a relationship with her biological father, because it will (hopefully) save her a world of hurt, anger, and questions in the future as she grows older. But I couldn't help feeling selfish about it. She's just starting school; I have to give her up for 9 hours a week, and now potentially even more time if he chooses to re-establish visitation? I don't want to have any less time with her than I do now. It's not fair. But, putting my own feelings aside, I need to think of what's best for my daughter, and I think having some relationship with Ben will, again - hopefully, be a good thing.
As kindly as I could, I explained how he was a complete stranger to her. She knows that he exists, but that's pretty much it. And he has no idea who she is anymore, either. He's missed out on half of her life, literally, and a child changes a lot from 18months to 3 years old. I told him that if he is serious about coming back into her life, that it's all or nothing. He needs to do it right. He needs to re-establish a relationship with her gradually, and he needs to respect me and Eric when the "where did you go? why haven't you seen me?" questions come out of my toddler's curious mind. As much as I've had my choice words about Ben, never have they been said to or in front of Lyla. Knowing that he could come back into her life, I didn't want her to hate him, or be scared to eventually go with him. Eric and I chose not to talk about him, and if she ever asked, we would tell her he was at work. The last thing I want is for Ben to tell my toddler that it was my fault he didn't see her.
I am worried about the whole thing, though. Lyla is one of the most sensitive little kids I've ever seen, and it would kill me to see someone hurt her. I warned Ben that he better never, ever do this to my little girl again if he walks back in.
He tried explaining why he hadn't seen her for this long, talking about how he had a lot going on and how it was hard when he and I were not getting along - factors I'm sure made it difficult, but quite frankly, I didn't care to hear about them - and told him so. No excuse for 16 months of not seeing your own child.
I learned from our last experience to not do, say, or sign anything without my lawyer's advice, and even though he's upset that we can't settle this on our own, I need to protect Lyla. When I told him this he told me I was treating him like an "axe murderer". Yeah, exactly. Or, I don't want to get screwed like I did the last time we went to court and see my little girl get caught in the middle. So, my lawyer will be leading me through this mess, and hopefully we can civilly work something out with Lyla's best interest in mind.
I'm dreading it. I want her all for myself. I don't want to share. I don't feel like he's done anything to deserve any time with her. I'm angry. I'm sad. But that's all about me. When it comes to Lyla, I have to put all of this aside. Hopefully my new studies of yoga, meditation and exercise can help me through it with a clear head and low anxiety.
But for now, all I can do is wait for my lawyer's signal, and go from there. I can't stress over what I cannot change or what I have no control over, and this, unfortunately, is one of those things.
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