Really!?

"Are you going to let me see my daughter or no?" ...This is the text message I received from Lyla's father last night after 3 weeks of no contact; our last conversation being that he wanted to sign Lyla over to me and give up his parenting rights.

Knowing that responding would only lead to the same conversation I've had with him countless times, I stormed around my apartment exclaiming "Really!? Really, is he serious!?" while Eric contacted his aunt who works for a lawfirm for further direction. My blood was boiling, but not responding could lead to him claiming I was actually preventing him from seeing Lyla, and be used against me in court, I decided to sent a nonchalant response of "I never prevented it". As just as I assuned, this lead to the usual accusations of me breaking the court order, turning his daughter against him, "brainwashing her" to hate him, and so on.

"Why do you want to kick me out of Lyla's life so bad?" ...he's the one who wanted to give her up!
"I can't afford the ride there" ...maybe he should have thought of his daughter before he bought that $30,000 car?
"If you're not ganna let me see her I'll sign her over" ...again, I'm not preventing anything, and if he's willing to do this, then he doesn't deserve her anyway.

And just to prove how absolutely frustrating and all over the place these conversations with Ben can be: By the end of our texting-war, Ben said he's never giving up his daughter, and was trying to accuse me of abuse so that he can have full custody.

He tried to scare me, by saying things like "you're no mother of the year, you don't even know what i have on you!" To which I respond that I know he has nothing, and that he doesn't scare me in the least. And the abuse thing? To me, is just funny, because I rarely raise my voice to that little girl.

He then told me he was going to see her tomorrow and demanded I meet him half way. Again, a conversation I've had countless times, that if I were speaking instead of texting, would sound totally monotone: "no ben you broke the court order and so i am no longer required to meet you by orders of my lawyer" ...practially one long word at this point rather than a sentence. And when I told him, again, that he was more than welcome to come get her from her home in Fairhaven, his response was "really? I thought u said I didnt deserve to be in her life?" ...Really, Ben? I am so tired of these games of his.

I have been nothing but consistant with my responses to this ridiculousness, stating facts from our court agreement and sending reminders about what is in Lyla's best interest. He's the one who goes back and forth between saying he wants a paternity test and wants to sign her over, to him taking her away from me for full custody...but I'm the one who he says needs a "psycologest" as he says?

Another back-n-forth example was why he didn't give me is work schedule on time, as the court ordered. He first started by saying that it was a dead season at work, and that there was no way to know his schedule, and then went on to claim he sent it to me the minute he got his hands on it. Neither in which are true. I told him that if he knew he was going to be unaware of his schedule the following week, he could have easily called and told me that, just as if he were to call me WITH his schedule, but he didn't. And as far as him "always" sending me his schedule? I have received only one email from him with it.

I just feel lucky to have saved every email, and every text, so that I will have proof in court when he tried to pull these outrageous accusations. I also felt it necessary to share with people; A) so I can share my frustration, and B) so that people can just see what he is doing to me and our daughter. I have no doubts that I am the best mother I can be, and also, that I have the world to back me up on it. I can do nothing but think of what is in Lyla's best interest, and when I tried explaining this to Ben, is when he chose to end the conversation.

To make matters worse? Lyla got to talk to Ben yesterday. Her face lit up as she said "Hi Daddy!! Daddy wears a hat", and it broke my heart. Even more when I held her and she begged me to see him, and when I said "we can't right now", she shrugged her shoulders asking "maybe later?" and this began the waterworks. Now, I know that if she saw him after 2 months she wouldn't do well with him, seeing how the last time he saw her it was only for a few hours because he couldn't get her to eat or stop crying; and that was only after one week of missed visitation. But the fact that she was just saying she wanted to, made me so sad for her.

Ben needs to make a choice. Be in her life consistantly, or get the fuck out (pardon my french). This upsets me more than anything, to see this little person who I love more than anything in this world, unknowingly effected by something pertaining so greatly to her life. It's not fair, what he's doing; all this back and forth. If he wants in, he needs to make the effort. If not, he needs to let us move on with our lives. I have to admit, that at this point I am pushing for him to just sign her on over, or atleast give up his legal visitation. I was looking forward to not having to share my daughter on holidays, and to have her all to myself. But, selfish reasons aside, I was looking forward to not having to see Lyla's face when Ben had to work on a visitation day, or went weeks without seeing her because he couldn't afford the gas money. I was looking forward to getting such a poison out of her life for good, and now that this may not happen, is the most suffocating feeling. You want to protect your child, but when the harmful one is the biological and legal father, there's nothing I can do. And so, I am stuck.

....Really, Ben, really?