Something I always find strange when I talk to Lyla's father is how little he asks about her. He'll call for one legal reason or another, and then shoot the shit about his life plans as if we're best friends who need catching up. But not one question about Lyla. At most, I'll get a "tell Lyla I said hi" at the end of our conversation, but nothing more. No interest in what she's doing, how she's growing, or her in general whatsoever. It's one thing to go 15 months without seeing her, but to act like she doesn't exist bothers me more than ever.
As annoying as it may have been when he was constantly texting to ask for pictures or asking to talk to her, to be honest in some way I preferred it, because despite my care-less feelings towards him, at least it showed that he still cared about Lyla. However, now that it has been so long since they've spoken and he is merely a vague memory to Lyla, it's better that he doesn't all of a sudden want to pick up where he left off; I think that would be confusing and traumatic for my 3 year old sensitive girl. Still, the thought lingers that he can choose to come back whenever he wishes, but despite the fact that it's been over a year since he's last seen her, I actually believe he thinks of himself as a good father.
Ben has always been obsessed with money. He worked all hours of the day, and spent all he made instantly. He may love making money but he loved spending it more. Ever since our split in 2010, he's paid weekly child support, and before this, he opened a trust fund for Lyla which he planned to be her college fund. In one of our recent conversations, he explained how her fund has tripled since he started it in 2009, and still plans on putting it towards her future schooling. He talked about money the whole conversation, and even though it was indirectly about Lyla, he still managed not to mention her directly once. Since he's so money-driven, I truly believe that because he pays child support and has this fund in place for her, he thinks this makes him a good father.
Eric and I could care less about this trust fund. Sure, it could be beneficial to us down the road, but this is money from a man who has made zero effort to be in his daughter's life, and she's only 3. Who knows what the next 15 years will bring. To us, this money doesn't exist. But the way Ben talks about it is as if he's some sort of fatherly God. He was so excited to tell me how much he had saved up for her, and yet he doesn't even know her anymore.
Providing financially doesn't make you a father. Everything Eric is doing: playing, teaching, disciplining and loving - those are things that make you a dad - and a good one. We could be broke and homeless and it wouldn't make Eric any less of a father to Lyla. But not seeing her for this length of time, and sending a check every month does not define you as a parent, because you aren't one.
Every now and then Lyla will ask about Ben, but recently she has declared Eric as her daddy. If you ask her who "dad" is, she'll say Eric, though she still chooses to call him Eric, or most recently "Papa" - a Beauty and the Beast influence. At this point, she knows Ben exists, but that's pretty much as far as it goes. I hope that even if he does choose to reenter Lyla's life someday, that she will recognize what it means to be a real parent, and love and respect Eric for all he's done and is doing AS her dad - even if down the road she develops a relationship with her biological father.
Once again, I can't predict the future, and I have no idea whether Ben will come back, flake out completely, or continue to think he's doing alright by providing financially. But whatever happens, Lyla has Eric, and she's so unbelievably luck for that - we both are. You can't put a dollar sign on fatherhood. It's priceless.
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