Religion

Quite frankly, I've always had lots of questions regarding religion. I've gone back and forth over the years, from totally unsure to reading the bible word for word. I was raised catholic, but not strictly. My family attended church occasionally, and everything religious felt very forced and unnatural. And now at 23, I'm right where I've always been - confused.

Right after I had Lyla was a time I'd consider my most religious. I thought "wow, there must be a God, this beautiful child is proof". I began to attend church weekly, reading the bible, and asking catholic friends loads of questions. But somehow, each time I spent time with a friend or family member who was less than religious, I always took two steps backwards. I would second guess my beliefs, and have more questions than ever. And I still do.

Take those who are gay, for example. People are born gay, it is not a choice. And supposedly, God creates all people, meaning that he created them, too. So, why would God create a gay man, and then teach people that it is "wrong" or "unnatural"? And on top of that, deny them their equal rights as a human to marry the person they love? Sure, they cannot have biological children together, but there are some man-woman couples who cannot either, and even others who choose not to. It's heartbreaking to hear of families who practically disown their own child because they came out as gay. As a mother, I will love my girls no matter what direction life takes them, and I will support who and what they love.

Our wedding was one of the worst experiences I have had with the church. I felt judged because I had a child out of wedlock from a previous relationship, we were looked down upon because we didn't attend church regularly, and a great deal of pressure was put on us to become confirmed - which neither Eric and I are. Shouldn't God be grateful that I brought a child into this world, and not focus on the fact that she may have not been planned or with a person I was in love with? I love her and do my best to raise her. Isn't that what's important? Isn't being spiritual and believing in God more important than how often you attend church? It's hard to commit yourself to a religion when you're constantly feeling judged or put down for decisions you've made. I find that each time I get re-involved with the catholic religion, I leave feeling poorly about myself, my past, and my beliefs.

Lyla was baptized when she was 3 months old. This was during the time I considered myself "most religious", and felt good about welcoming my daughter into the world of God. This ceremony was her entry way to heaven someday, which was a much better thought than anything else in terms of the after life. And today, we have a meeting at the church for Hannah's baptism. Although Eric and I are currently quite confused and unsure of where religion will take us, we wanted to leave the door open for our girls, and so, we're choosing to have Hannah baptized in a Catholic church - the one where we were married. I'm hoping to have a better experience, since Hannah was a product of love and marriage. I'm hoping to be able to focus on the possibilities for our baby girl, and not be frowned upon by our lack of church attendance.

Our girls can choose whatever path in life they want, and we will be 100% supportive. But as for us, we are just utterly confused on what to believe right now.