Mixed Feelings

The shock factor certainly has not worn off yet. I've been a blur of emotions, teeter tottering between confused, sad, angry, and oddly enough - happy. Ben and I have had several previous arguments where he would complain about the hardships of being a parent; paying child support, driving for visitation, how she never stops crying for him. I finally reached a breaking point and said that thing I'm not supposed to say: the low blow; I told him that he is more than welcome to give up his rights if being a parent was "too much" for him, and that all of his parenting hard ships would disappear. I just never in a million years thought he would actually do it. And now that he has firmly stated that this is his ultimate decision, I now have a brain filled with questions and fears, endlessly spinning.
If his motive for doing this is to save a quick buck, I'm not sure if that's exactly how it will go down. From what I understand, the court has to agree to Ben giving up his rights, including child support payments. And, the only way for this to happen is for A) Eric to adopt Lyla, or B) for us to be financially stable without the added income of child support. Ben is aware of the fact that Eric would indeed adopt Lyla, but he is not aware that if he is still forced to pay, we will put the adoption on hold and simply make Eric a legal guardian once married. Now, my fear in all of this is that if and when Ben learns he still has to pay, that he'll think "Oh, well in that case, nevermind. I'll still be Lyla's dad and see her, I might as well if I'm forced to pay" ...this thought fills me with pure hatred. And knowing how Ben puts money first in the past, this is a very good possibility.
The anger in me feels that if at any point in time he was willing to give up his daughter forever, he doesn't deserve to have her in his life. It's even more unfair that the judge could very well rule in his favor; nothing is set in stone until he legally signs her over to me, and without that signiture, she is still his, and he still has rights to see her. This, I hate. My plan? I plan to barter with Ben. Offer to pick up her health insurance and to take less child support, and in return, I want permission to change her last name once Eric and I are married, and I never want him to have the right to visitation ever again. This may sound harsh, but after a year of thinking that Ben being in Lyla's life was the best thing for her, I've finally put my foot down and am admitting that it's not. He doesn't deserve the honor of her having his last name. Eric and I will be married in September, and hope to have children of our own. We plan to raise Lyla and our children together as a family, and I think that all members of this family should share the same last name. This is probably more important to me than the option of Eric adopting Lyla; he is a wonderful father figure and will be the best step dad; a new birth certificate and signed piece of paper will make no difference in how he raises her. But the name? That's very important to me. And as far as Ben not having legal rights to see Lyla again, he deserves that. He was willing to give her up entirely when he thought it would save him a quick buck so if he's going to have to pay, but less, he should feel no different.
As much as his decision was hard to take, as the days go on I find myself more at peace with what the future will hold without Ben in our lives. No more verbal abuse, no shared holidays, no long drives for visitation, no split parenting. It will just be Lyla, Mommy, and "Ekka", as she calls him; we are her family, and we will be the best one for her.
As for Ben, I hope that as this decision sets in, and as time goes on, he will stop putting the blame on me, and truly realize that this is what is best for his child. Parenting isn't for everyone, and it's certainly anything but easy, especially when you're doing it alone. He's decision is only one he can make; not a lawyer, not a family member, not a friend, not even I can force this decision on him. I hope one day he can realize that as hard as it is to admit, that he really just wasn't the best parent, and that although tough, he made the best decision for her.
Eric had asked me the other night, "what gives him the right to even have more kids someday?", and I didn't know how to answer. But I guess, the only thing I can hope is that he learns from all of this. I hope when if he does choose to have more children that he will know what it entials, and be prepared. No child deserves to go through what Lyla has with her biological father. I'm just so lucky that she's still young, and will never remember all the back and forth, all the court visits, all the tears shed. She'll simply know that she has a caring, loving, happy family with Eric and I, and we will never give up on her.