About 3 years ago, newly heartbroken Lauren signed up for a dating website sponsored by facebook. The goal was never to actually meet someone, but to make myself aware of the fact that there were other fish in the sea. So, day after day I would log onto this site, and listen to the flood of compliments from guys half way across the country. And even though I didn't know these people, and they certainly didn't know me, it definitely lessened the blow of my recent break up. I started to think to myself, Hey, these guys seem really nice, and I'd have no chance of meeting someone 3,000 miles away, so, I limited my search to MA. And then I met Ben.
I don't think I really cared about anything at that point but creating this image of myself, happy and uneffected by the breakup. I wanted everyone to think I was fine, and the only way I knew how to appear that way was to be in another relationship. What better way to prove you're over someone, right? So after nearly 3 months of ineternet and phone chats, I took a co-worker along and made the trip to meet Ben and his family.
This was a period of time I like to refer to as "party Lauren".
The night was filled with drinking games, shot-taking, cigarette smoking, and unwise decisions. It seemed like such a good time (translation: escape), I decided to make this trip with my co-worker several times. I really started to convince myself that I liked this Ben guy, even though every hang out was anything but sober.
2 weeks later when I missed my period, reality set in.
Then when those 2 pink lines showed up on the test that Thanksgiving, it set in even more.
Now I REALLY had to sell the "Lauren is so happy" show. Tickets anyone? I spent months talking so highly of Ben, and our relationship, and how this must be meant to be, even though inside I was burning with fear because once the alcohol wore off, I slowly realized that there wasn't all that much I liked about the father of my future child. But I had a show to do. I tossed out the "L" word, we moved in together, and we had our beautiful baby girl, Lyla. At this point, it was no longer about the show, since the hurt from my breakup was long gone, and the love for my child was growing by the minute. I wanted my child's parents together so badly, that I too began to believe I was happy. I would look around at all the other couples who had problems, and I would think I was so lucky.
It took me a while to realize that I had to constantly compare my relationship to abusive ones, or dead-beat-dad ones, or the broken ones, just for me to feel happy. I slowly came to terms with the fact that I don't belong with Ben, and that I had been leading everyone, including myself, on. But now came the fear of leaving. I thought of Lyla having to split birthdays and holidays for the rest of her life. I thought of her not seeing her daddy everyday. I thought of me having to move back in with my mom or dad. So many negative thoughts went through my head that for the longest time I just pushed them away, and telling myself it was impossible. I remember actually wishing that Ben would hit me because it would give me a reason to leave. That's when I really knew I had to get out; I wanted him to hurt me? Just to be able to leave? I was stronger than that. So, after 19 months of "dating", I left.
He was confused, as I expected him to be; he was a main role in my play. The difference was that I was the one doing all the acting. He accused me of cheating and giving up, which was expected, but the truth was plain and simple; I was not happy. And although there were many things I did not like about Ben, I could not change who he was and I don't blame who he was, he was just not the one for me.
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